I'm Really Just an Ordinary Girl...

You know, I have a friend who said to me that I'm an example of what God can do with an ordinary life if we'll just let Him. And then someone else has also spoken to what an example I am...

I am so appreciative of their hearts for me and of the fact that they see something in me reflective of God at work. Appreciative and humbled.

They're words made me think, though.

Because my girl who commented on the ordinary life thing... she's so on point.

I really AM just an ordinary girl who's life God has chosen to use for Himself, in what is fast becoming an extraordinary way.

There's nothing really special about me, except for the way God has graced me to love Him. Otherwise, I'm just the girl next door, ya know?

And really, I liked it there. I liked the anonymity. I liked the fact that I could fade into the background. I aspired to what I consider the greatest of lives: being a good wife and mom and being able to take care of parents and grandparents and enjoy grandkids and such, as life evolves.

This truly is the stuff my dreams were made of...

But this business of 'yes' to God. It's changed all that...

And even now, even this far into the game, I still dont always know how I feel about that...

I mean... I really just don't know.

This season of my life... i'm so weary of it all. I really am. But I cherish it so much. Because I've truly become... so much more than I thought I'd ever be....

God has shown me things and revealed things in me and for me that I would've never dreamed of ... matter of fact, a lot of it, I still can't wrap my head around.

My pastor has said lots of times that when God calls us, it is most always to something much bigger than ourselves. I never really knew how true that was til God gave me a vision the year before I stopped running from Him. He was planting seeds even then that have taken root deeper and deeper over the last few years.

It's so much bigger than me. And I am always a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of what He's got in store...

Even in my personal life, He just keeps re-iterating to me that all that He HAS allowed so far and IS allowing now, is to equip me for the work He's called me too... More and more I find people who are drawn to me for reasons I can't explain; but then God pretty quickly reveals why and I'm always floored and humbled by what He's doing...

I feel so ill-equipped. So under-qualified. So not-ready for  all this...

Just...really freaking overwhelmed an awful lot of  the time these days.

I ask God often why He'd pick me to live this life, why everything has become such a thing of this crazy unorthodoxy. He's given lots of answers, but the one that probably floors me the most is this one: "I knew you would obey."

... what exactly do u say to that?

I mean, i can't really take credit for that. Because had I known that obedience meant divorcing myself from the things I've held dearest to my heart for my future and my life, I can't say that I would have ever said 'yes' to God.  He just happened to be smarter than me (duh!) and allowed circumstances to leave me with really no other option than obedience.

This really wasnt my doing, at all, on any level. Not even in realizing that in positioning me for 'yes', God was answering prayers He put on my tongue when I was 20 years old...

I have a friend who has said that faith really is a gift of God, like all other spiritual gifts. And ya know, when she first said it, i didnt' really understand it, but as I sit here and consider what my life is and just how much a statement of faith it's become, I have to agree with her. Because I had no way of knowing that what I was praying went well beyond what I had in mind when I opened my  mouth to speak. And, to this day, I have no idea exactly how I have believed or accepted all that's happened and become my life the last few years. I mean really. The only explanation is that it's been a gift from God, this ability to believe Him in spite of what I see or how I feel or how little sense it makes to my finite mind.

God calls it unorthodoxy. I call it ... unexplicable...

And honestly, in this moment (and lots of other moments along the road), I also call it unwanted.

But in the same instant, in the same breathe, I also call it amazing and surprisingly alluring - maybe even a bit intoxicating and heady, because at the end of the day I really am still just that ordinary girl that God is gracing to live out an extraordinary relationship with Him...

There's not a thing uncommon about me, but for the fact that I need to see God's word in a practical way. I'm not a blind follower. I'm not a blind truster. I'm not a blind anything. Even in situations that I know will cause me pain or struggle, I want to know going in as much as I can so that I can face it head on and determine up front whether or not I'm gonna do it.

I dunno. I guess all this came up because both yesterday and today saw me up at a ridiculous hour, talking to God about this current  unorthodoxy He's aked me to live. And I'll admit. God said plenty that I absolutely cannot refute or ignore. But He also said plenty that I absolutely do not find appealing about the next steps in this process.

Due in large part to the fact that I'm not sure I can do what He's asking.

Forgiving? Alright. Moving forward with this? Not enthused, but... alright. Letting him lead me? Probably not. Opening my heart up absolutely? Not even a fan. Believing in him? uh.... well.... Trusting him? I'm not even goin there....

I know it sounds mean. I know it probably even sounds petty if you dont have a clue what I'm talkin about or why I'm finding it so unpalateable. But trust me when I say, I'm being a lot more gracious that I could've expected from myself, for sure. Because the consequences of this are far far far reaching. And even when the sting of this finally dies down, my reality - OUR reality - is forever different. Forever colored by a situation I never even wanted TO BEGIN WITH. One I asked him many many times to protect us FROM. And one he swore up and down was not EVEN AN ISSUE.... Well... it's an issue. And it's one I'll have to live out with him, apparently, EVERY DAY.

... my feelings are all over the map... and the only thing I could ask God, the only thing I could think of to say - because I'm fully aware that instead of being unbiblical, what being asked of me is COMPLETELY in line with His Word - the only thing I could think to say is: 'Lord, WHO DOES THIS?!'

and in the brokenness and tears of the last couple mornings, i find myself longing for the time in my life before I figured out that God is extremley real and relevant. I was unaware of lots of things and I would've felt no conviction then for doing what I so desperately want to do now. I would've had no qualms about doing what SEEMED right - because I was too unaware of God's unorthodoxy to have even begun to believe that He would WANT my life to look like it looks right now.

I just find myself longing for that time in my life where I was unassuming and unaware and just maybe not so conflicted inside...

Because no matter what, in moments like this one, seasons like this one, times where the other choice is the EASIER one by far, I can't help but realize one of the most humbling things in the world about myself:

In spite of God's extraordinary work in my life, at my core and in my heart, I am still just an ordinary girl who's greatest aspiration is to live a blissfully 'ordinary', relatively unencumbered, laid back, ORTHODOX life.

My only prayer for my life was that I'd be a good daughter, wife and mom. That I'd love God and that He'd be pleased.

I just really didn't know THIS is what it would take to be all that...

Lord, I really wanna tell You 'yes' this time... But I'm not there yet. I'm just not ready. I'm workin on it... but... gimme a minute on this one, will ya? Thankyou and Amen.

Him... Me... Us...

It seems like I post so seldom lately. And really it's not for lack of something on my mind. Just the desire to blog seems to ebb here lately more than flow.

I've been in this season of learning, and so much has been between me and Chu, about me and Chu and I just haven't wanted to give that yet. But I can say that my heart seems to have opened wide up with him lately, and his with me. And it seriously is the sweetest thing ever.

I have wanted so long to find refuge in him. It seemed like that would just never come. And I really struggled with that.

Honestly, there have been a lot of things that concern us that I've struggled with for a good while.

Don't get me wrong. I love him. Always have. And he's always loved me. But we had really made a mess of things and even though I know what the Lord has said, it has certainly not always looked good for the hometeam.

This year started off with me goin back and forth about whether or not I really wanted this - whether I could really deal with all that he brings to my life. If u were reading around this time last year, it is obvious by my last few posts that our relationship has been a huge source of contention between me and my people.

But God said so.

And quite frankly, I doubt I could've walked away if I had tried.

And so I didn't try. I figured that I had done crazy stuff in every other part of my life - that NOBODY thought was good or right (or even from God - but that's another post for another day), so why the heck not follow Him and be alone in this one too.

Outside my salvation and decision to serve the Lord with my life, that decision has been probably the single best decision of my life. More impactful than anything else I have ever done or will ever do.

Truly I've learned he's God's best for me.

God's grace is so real to me when I look at him. When I think about the way we began and where we are now, I am left speechless.

Our relationship is nothing short of a testimony to God's faithfulness and the impact our actions have on others.

Obedience has been better than sacrifice - and I'm sure it will continue to be.

This journey we're taking together is phenomenal and I can say that I am privileged to be his.

Just tought I'd share.

I'll be back - probably sooner, rather than later!

Chocolate & Milkshakes

1. Sunshine - I love the way it feels on my face
2. Patience - Because I'd be crazy without it
3. Maturity - Who knew I had actually grown since the last go round?
4. Chocolate *smiles* - my favorite treat
5. Wisdom - Left to myself... yeah...
6. Humility - Pride costs too much. I'm learning to appreciate the whole humble thing.
7. Grace - let's not even go there.
8. Mercy - Please see number seven. *raised eyebrow*
9. Milkshakes *grins* - combine it with number 4 and you have a winner!
10. Honey *yum*

How's that for a quick easy list today?

go see Jill!

Archive MeMe

Michele over at Testimony & Truth has this meme up on her blog. I thought it would be fun to go back and find different posts, so I decided to join in. I won't tag anybody, but if you want to join in, please feel free! And leave a comment to let me know you've played along.

Rules:
Link 1 must be about family. Link 2 must be about friends. Link 3 must be about yourself. Link 4 must be about something you love. Link 5 can be anything you choose.

So. Let's get to sharing.

Family: We all know that my family and I have a love/love-you-but-i-wanna-hurt-you kinda relationship. *smiles* Enjoy.

Friends: Jenn is my girlie. My main chick. She was the reason this post came to be. And my other friends too.

All About Me: LOL, that would be the whole derned blog, but this post should do nicely.

Love: He is the color of clay dirt. Thus, his name is Clay (not really, but for the purpose of the blog) Anyway. I digress.

Some Serious Thoughts I've Shared: Ihad forgotten about this post, but it gives a real glimpse into my heart. Enjoy!

Enjoy! It was pretty sweet to go back and re-visit myself.

Blessings
Ro

Pride

Pride. It has been my companion since I was a little girl. And it has gotten me into plenty of trouble.

I never really realized until I started trying to love the Lord just how much pride kept me from genuine relationships. Or just how much I missed out on personally because I was too proud (too into my own 'somebody-ness') to just relax and take things for what they were.

Since I've begun my blogging journey, I've posted often about the humbling the Lord has begun in my life and my heart. And I've gotten better, but I still really have a long way to go.

One of the major testing grounds has been work, for me. As things beging to shift with my work situation, I find myself faced with a situation very similar to one I left 2 years ago. The stakes are higher now; I'm in a most excellent position with this company. I love my job. When I started here, I had two bosses - brothers and partners. I love them both. And then this new thing came along and we are headed very rapidly back to where I was two years ago.

And it makes me uneasy.

I was told several weeks ago that my past would try to re-enter and that I needed to remain steadfast and obedient. Little did I know it would come this way. Former boss: arrogant, condescending and very resentful of me. I could say blue and he'd say green. But if someone else said blue, it was all good. Things between he and I escalated to the point where he was working to fire me. Thankfully, my response was one where my ego didn't take over and when I left it was by my choice (and God's instruction) and not at my former employer's hand.

Fast-forward to today. And you have much the same situation, except the company is much smaller, but headed in a very 'corporate' direction and the boss with whom I have the conflict is one of my sisters. And ya'll it really is a hot mess.

I already do not want to be part of anything 'corporate'. It is not my style, nor my personality. I don't do well with too much drama and too much conflict. And I certainly don't want my days filled with contention because my confidence and ability is frowned on as 'uncooperative' - especially seeing as how it is my 'uncooperativeness' that will keep us all outta harms ways.

SO UNFAIR. I'm praying. Asking the Lord what to do, how to respond, if I really HAVE been uncooperative - because you guessed it. My pride has wanted to really act a fool. And I have had a really hard time keeping that baby sleep. My attitude has gone south, my face shows all my business and I'm just seriously not up for this foolishness.

And then comes Jesus. And His Daddy. They got some other things in mind. *raised eyebrow*

I end up being admonished regarding pride in my life. And feeling like I'm being asked to just be walked all over because I'm being told very clearly to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. SHE'S trippin, and I'M the one being corrected. THEHECK????

'But Lord, I'm not wrong. She's gonna mess it up and then I'mma be the one to get the blame for HER mistake.'

'Rosheeda be obedient. I will take care of her.'

'Lord, I'm real sick of all this. I thought I was finally getting a break. I don't want to fight anymore - for anything else. Isn't it time out for all that?'

'I Am taking you to the next level professionally.'

'I don't even WANT a next level. All I wanna do is get married, have some babies and be a wife and momma. Seriously, that whole professional ambition thing passed my by a looooong time ago.'

'Trust Me. My ways are not your ways. My time is not your time.'

Frustrated, mad and really not understanding why any of this is as messed up as it is. Yep. That's me.

Then it dawned on me: PRIDE. It needs to be broken. AGAIN. In a significant way. Ugh. Will I EVER be done with this lesson? Because really, I understand - at least in part - the whole 'next level' thing. Don't want to, but I do...

So. I guess that just like all those other times, I need to trust God's ways and let Him have this thing too.

I am learning that everything boils down to trust. If I trust God, pride really does not have to be an issue - because it is a defense mechanism for me. If I believe God is who He says, then it should be easy for me to be quiet and submit to this process too, right? Yeah, but for my humanity, maybe so. As it stands right now: not really.

It is such a struggle for me that even this post is hard to type. I feel very vulnerable when I cannot defend myself and right now I feel wide open to an attack that I can't counter.

And it is made harder because I look at her and I see me. I see the very obvious arrogance and haughtiness that was such a part of my presentation for so long. I see the true lack of confidence that really is the driving force behind the pride. The idea that she has something to prove and that she is not gonna let anyone take advantage of her or look down on her or hurt her. I see the lack of self-awareness and the fear of what she'll find out about herself if she lets her gaurd down. I see the refusal to concede because it means she loses face. She's put up all this fight and done all this carryin' on, only to be proven wrong -but she can't back down now. Because then she's showing weakness and that just won't do. The need and desire to be loved and accepted - but the fear that no matter what she does, she'll never receive what she longs for so much. There is so much in her face, in her eyes. Rebellion - but not because she feels like she's entitled. Because she feels like it's the only way to make her mark, to be seen as special.

And as I see all this, my heart breaks for her because I know this place. With the exception of having something to prove, she is me. And I know what was REALLY goin' on inside me when all that everybody else saw was a judgemental, self-righteous, uber-critical, overly anal, high-strung, critical, mean witch. Cuz I mighta come across that way, but my real deal was that I was afraid. I had never felt good enough and I didn't know that I could be imperfect and still be loved. So I assumed rejection was what I would ultimately experience and I had to make sure that, at all costs, there was never any reason to throw me away. It was totally lost on me that my imperfection is exactly what makes me special. The things about me that are 'quirky' are the things that make me, me.

The more I embrace that truth, the more pride falls away and the more it is replaced by compassion. And really, that's my hope for Chocolate Drop. That she would embrace her personal truth and discover her value for herself. That she would like herself and just be easy with who she is - even if she IS a little messed up. That's alright. Just makes the ride that much more interesting.

And so, I guess having said all this, I can now honestly surrender this one to the Lord and rest in Him. I can accept that this is not about me and that He will work this out in His way and His time for His own pleasure.

So Lord, I give. I'll do this thing til You say otherwise. I'll be easy and trust You. I'll be obedient and let You fight this out for me. And I will take Your position on Chocolate Drop and not glory in her failure, but rejoice in the refining and transforming that comes as a result of You doing Your thing.

I'm sorry and I give.

Great People

After the great rant of 08 (from a few days ago), I've gotten lots of love. Thanks you guys for praying for me. The comments and/or emails made me really feel special. Jill and Xandra, I really respect you guys for what I see your characters to be and I appreciate being cared for enough for you to pray for me - even though you don't know me from Adam (another of my Granny's sayin's) :0).

Yep. You people ROCK!

Blessings, ya'll.
ro

Another Granny-ism

'Baby you can't both be in high-gear. Somebody's got to take the low gear.'

*sigh*

I would really do well to remember this.

Lord,

Please soften my heart. You know your kid and my ability to bite my tongue. This is new territory for me - for us both - and I need some help. As You teach me to respect Chu properly, as You answer my prayers for him, please help me to hold on to the fact that your grace is sufficient for me - for us. I need You. Make me look like the wife You have created me to be for this man. Fix ME. Soften my heart to love Chu in the way that pleases you. Soften my heart to his leadership. Help me not to resist this learning season as he begins to understand what headship looks like for him as a man, and as a husband to me. We are both afraid of failing, both afraid of messing things up. Help us Lord to cling to You harder than ever. Soften my man's heart to Your Will and Your Ways. And soften my heart to my man's needs. I'll take the low gear. I'm sorry.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thankful Thursday... My Promisekeeper

Hey! I haven't done this in a long time, but I thought I'd join in today.

God keeps His promises. I have shared little of my REAL personal story, but there is someone that I love deeply who has struggled with many many dark things. This weekend he said to me that someone who has known him for many years looked at him and told him that he knows there is a God. He asked the guy why and this man said to him 'Man, if you can turn your life around, anybody can. There HAS to be a God.'

This transformation in his life has been one of the 'impossible' things God promised me. That someone who has known him at his lowest place sees God working in him now - that is more than worth a post!

Luke 1: 37 "For nothing is impossible with God."

Check out SUM for more of this.

Love ya'll.
Ro

Thankful Thursday - Stretching & Awakening

What am I thankful for today?

A fresh perspective. This is a huge time of transition for me. And the Lord is stretching me and allowing me to seek Him out in a new way. One that overwhelms, if I really consider what He's requiring of me, but one that leaves me SO excited to see what He will do w/this level of obedience.

I love knowing that He is confident in my ability to be stretched this way. It's just like a parent cheering you on. Knowing you can do it, even when YOU don't know you can do it. It melts my heart knowing that my Daddy trusts me with the things of importance to Him this way.

It's like I'm yawning, stretching, WAKING UP and running into that land He told me he would give to me. I'm refreshed. Like I'm coming back to life.

I love Him. And I'm thankful He loves me back.

It's About That Time...

The urge in me to run away is so strong. And I think i'm gonna give myself permission to do that. Just for a few days. Just for a little while. I need time alone away from everything and everybody. Just me and God.

Because lest we're unclear, this is not just about me and H.

I have sick family at the moment too. They're tag-teaming us. My grandfather has been in the hospital for a month and will be in a rehab-hospital for ANOTHER month. My grandmother has also been sick. Took her to the doc got meds and seemed to be getting better. But is NOT getting better. I'm not even staying @ home right now - which is probably a blessing due to the current OTHER situation. *sheesh*, but which is also a stress in and of itself - because I'm helping to grandma-sit, and THAT is more than a notion.

Work. We wont even begin to discuss that. Not at all. Not EVEN at all.

This emotional place, while it might have come to a head because of the situation w/H, is really all about EVERYTHING.

ALL THIS WORK. All this time. All this growth. And all this sacrifice. For it to look, at this point, like things are going BACK to what it was at the start of all this.

I said 'yes' and my life fell completely apart. The whole floor was pulled from under my feet. And I struggled then to hold it together. Failed miserably in a lot of ways. And two years in, was so depressed that I was just ready to quit life altogether. But God did something. He protected me. I know in my heart that He had a constant guard around me to keep the spirit of suicide from me.That place lasted for a while. Much longer than I'm comfortable recalling.

And now, two years LATER. It's all falling apart. AGAIN. The SAME way it did at first. And I'm reeling from it. Staggering to get to my feet and just hold it together somehow. And fighting this onslaught of emotion with all I got.

I stood at the hospital this morning, lookin outside talking to God. And I finally got down to what's so painful here. I said  yes to Him, believing life would get better and understanding that I had a price to pay for the choices I had made before. That price was high, but I figured, you know... I had chosen wrong so going back to the places where i made wrong turns and in effect doing it over really made sense, however uncomfortable or inconvenient it was. I could accept that.

But now? Four years later?  "Yes" still looks like this? It's all still falling apart. All that obedience and all that surrender and sacrifice and what-not. And it still ends up falling apart... All around me. Excpet that now, the stakes are higher than they were then. Because then I had some sort of life. But now. Now I have nothing at all. Because I GAVE IT ALL UP. Everything. Everything.

I gave it ALL up to follow the Lord.

And however strong I might be, I am not super-human. Nor am I immune to the effect of this on my spirit. Becaue in truth, I have not stood under my own strength in quite some time. And now I am beyond aware that the ONLY thing holding me together is God. He has put something in me, surrounding my spirit that won't let my mind fall apart. But my emotions. They're gone. Outta there.

And for me to admit that is a HUGE statement. Because me and emotions, we don't even kick it that strong.

This last blow. It's not about H. It's about the fact that it all looks like I stepped back in time to four years ago. Then, i wasnt so invested in this. Then, losing most of this stuff wouldn't have hit me so hard. But now? Now, I'm fully vested in all this. And losing anything more, be it a man a job or another relationship, its just too much. Flat-out. It's too much.

And every door, every out. God has LOCKED. I cant find a way to run away in this if i tried. Because God just wont open the door to provide the means of escape. Which is all I care to do in this space of time.

I miss me. I miss my own genuine laugh and excitement about life and the possibilities. I miss my beautiful brown eyes MINUS the sadness and seriousness that seems to always be present in this season. I miss being a person who can relax without fear of something else traumatic happening. I miss not having to fake my way through most things emotionally. I miss not always feeling broken and not always feeling like people can look at me and see the mess that is my life. I miss not wanting to hide because I'm ashamed. I miss the places where I genuinely was not uncomfortable or uncertain of me. I miss the me that made some sort of reasonable sense and that made decisions that didnt leave me feeling at the mercy of something I couldn't see or perceive. I miss not having this ridiculous responsibility and all the uncertainty and discomfort that comes with accepting it.

I miss my freedom.

And yeah i know. I have a NEW freedom in Christ. That's all good.

But.

I miss my freedom to live my OWN life. Because at least then I had the illusion of security and safety. At least then, what I had was comfortable.

Cuz all this constant discomfort; this constant risk-taking and stretching and change. This is not what I had in mind. Not at all.

I just miss that space in time where this constant breaking was not my reality. Genuinely I do.

And that's ridiculous. And contrary to God's word. Because He says in Ecclesiates NOT to long for things that were, because we can never know what that road would've  held.  Throughout scripture He says to press forward.

But so help me. Right now. I dont want to press anywhere, excpet far far away.

I have realized in the last two weeks that death is infinitely preferable to insanity. Because death is absolute. And for me, it would be life. A life free of all this that I'm muddling my way through right now. I'd be free. And in a real way, I'm craving that.

But insanity, to live locked up in one's own mind... in one's own pain and brokenness. And to do so indefinitely, until maybe the pieces reconnect somehow and allow you to regroup? That is something that I can't fathom. Not at all.

And because this is where I am - a genuine true reflection of my heart in this moment and a real understanding of just how broken inside I am right now - I am taking some kind of break.

I wanted to check out for a few days (or so) when all this started. But God said, "Not yet. You will need it more later than you do right now.'

I woke up this morning and the only thing I heard was 'I am going to allow you to leave.'

Later I heard 'now you need it.'

And the height of my own ridiculousness is that the part of me who pushes myself beyond what seems to be the limit in most things, has the audacity to think that maybe it isnt time yet. I know. I'm questioning my stability under all this, but I have the nerve to wonder if the timing is wrong... But even as I type this, I'm hearing 'You need to be alone with Me.'

So. I'm checkin' out sometime soon. Maybe even this coming weekend. HOPEFULLY this coming weekend. For as many days as I can manage it. Until I have really been with God. He wants to speak and I really need to hear.

And even if He's silent the whole time, even if all I do is sleep and pray and cry. Even if that's ALL that I do, the respite from real life and all the responsibility that comes with it will be welcome.

It will be more than welcome...

I Wondered...

when I'd really get angry about all this foolishness.

Last night I found out.

So we're having this conversation. He brings up this current situation. So I say honestly what I feel. And then he wants to start trynna put his paw all down. LIKE I BROUGHT THIS FOOLISHNESS INTO OUR LIVES.

So not a good move on his part. Not at all.

*be warned. this is a rant. i know what's right. I know what God says. But i need to get these words outta my head before they lead me to act like myself instead of trying to act like Christ.*

We've dealt with this same thing, to varying degrees for a long time. And now, because he gets his feelings bruised he makes an impulsive decision with serious far-reaching consequences. Instead of honoring my rights, I'm trynna honor God's will for us in this. And instead of him appreciating the support - and acknowledging that what he's really due is a whippin' - he comes at me like he's ENTITLED to my understanding.

OH BUT FOR JESUS. And I'm so serious about that statement. OH BUT FOR JESUS.

I know he's hurt. I know he's frustrated. I know he's tired. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

NEWSFLASH: WE'VE BEEN DOIN THIS TOGETHER. Which would mean that, last I checked, you are not hurt tired or frustrated alone. Not even a little bit.

Yet and still you are the only part of this dynamic duo that should freely speak his piece?! Nah, bro. Wrong answer. You might wanna try again. Because this road - the road where I am silent and I am expected to accept foolishness as righteousness?! That is NOT the road I'm travelin'. And by now,he should really know this. I grew up that way and it took me a long time to put that mess aside and find myself and a voice that was balanced and confident. I flatly refuse to repeat that cycle. On any level.

And I'm not sayin that silence isn't golden sometimes. Because it surely is. But when you make a choice that affects my life - my future, it is NOT the time for me to shut up so you can feel like a man. GET OVER IT. Cuz surely, you should not expect that you are free to indulge your bruised ego, at the cost of my well-being.

I know this seems like a bash. But it isn't. My anger does nothing to lessen my love. If i didn't love him, i wouldn't care at all what he did. But I do, and more than it not being good for me, it is most definitely not good for him.

I'm just sayin'. If I gotta take a big-girl pill and walk this out with God's heart for all the folks involved in this ridiculousness, then most certainly I should be able to expect him to do the same - especially since it is HIS choice that has us in this place.

yeah yeah yeah. I know that love doesn't love only when it's honored. i got all that. but it doesn't change a thing about how i feel right now.

At this moment i'm angry and over it. At this immediate moment, i'm good to wash my hands and walk away and let him fix this foolishness on his own - if he can.

Or, at least i WOULD BE ok with it.

Except for that pesky thing of trying to really be truly obedient to this commitment God asked me to make a long time ago.

So. I'm gonna keep walkin. and I'm gonna keep processing this. And giving it to God. Because if not, he is oh so OUTTA HERE.

*grace Rosheeda.Remember grace.*

*repeating over and over to myself: grace. grace. grace.*

On the off chance that anyone wants to advise me, I'm closing comments for this post. Cuz while I appreciate all the insight, I'm not searching for an answer. God's given me that. I just need a safe place to be emotionally honest.

It's not about my feelings. It's about my victory.

I know that.

But the feelings are still there and ignoring them wont do us any good.

later.

*p.s. dont be surprised if i come back Monday with something totally not angry and all full of God's p.o.v. - Remember in my last post I openly admitted to being a bit bi-polar in my response to all this.

bye ya'll.
ro

Thank You Lord

Wow.

It's been a long week people. I'm thankful that it's almost over. And I'm thankful that God showed up and righted some things that were wrong.

He keeps showing me His Sovereignty.

Gotta Love It!

Go see Iris!

Follow The Leader

Remember a long time ago, when I told you some change was on the horizon around these parts? Well, I think we're comin' up on that time.

Notice the new Scripture on the sides of the blog. Notice the lessons in trust, the talk of vulnerability, hard conversations. All that goodness.

Oh and let's not forget taking low-gear instead of high.

*sigh*

There is so much learning goin' on around this camp.

And this post is about some more of that.

What I have come to believe about marriage and becoming one is this:

It doesn't just begin from the moment you walk down an aisle, stand in front of a room full of people and proclaim your undying love and devotion. Marriage really and truly seems to me to be a choice of the heart and the spirit. There is a commitment to a future and a life together well before you say I do. You purpose inside that this is the path you are to walk and you want to walk it together. So you begin learning how. You start making that adjustment in your thinking and your decision-making. You start learning to be inter-dependent in small ways, so that when you DO take that walk, you are at least not completely shell-shocked.

And that process has started in my own little world. Actually, it's been under-way for a while now, but in the last few weeks things have kicked into a bit of a higher gear.

I'm finding that more and more in my prayer time or my talks with the Lord, He's instructing me to 'follow Chu's lead.' Which for Little-Miss-Independent is more than a notion.

'Trust him.'

'Honor his request and trust Me to work it all out.'

It's an interesting place to be, to say the least. And one that I'm honestly pretty excited about. The changes in him that I alluded to earlier this week all have to do with truly solidifying our relationship dynamic, with him being in the lead and me being willing to let him.

One of those areas is provision and my work. I know my own desires regarding work, but it never dawned on me that just maybe he had a perspective on my work and the position it takes right now, as opposed to the one he'd LIKE for it to take...

We've talked previously about my own feelings as far as working and all that good stuff and our perspectives were on totally opposite ends of the spectrum. I knew what I believed the Lord has said to me. And I knew Chu wasn't trynna hear it. So I left it alone and decided to just pray about it and let it go until later. Besides... it doesn't even really matter to me til we have kids anyway, so no big.

Well, we start talking about work and finances and all those things a week or two ago and unbeknownst to me, he has been thinking. And he has a plan. Has made an executive decision, to some extent. And as I'm listening, I'm thinkin' 'Lord is it time for this just now?' I'm preparing my rebuttal and thinkin' of the gentle way to shoot that whole plan right on down.

Then I realized that it wasn't a question. Not at all. He only phrased it as an idea to put it out there. Because you see, he doesn't make suggestions. He makes decisions that masquerade as suggestions. And really, even though I was wanting to shoot it all down I don't have a legitimate reason to resist what he's asking.

What is comes down to is this: his mindset is transitioning, just like I've been asking. The things that I would expect to see in order to be comfortable enough to start this whole process are the very things that he's showing to me. And the real question is not whether or not I like what Chu wants, but whether or not I trust him to have made a wise choice. And more than that, do I trust the Lord to do just what He's told me He would - which is to work it all out.

So, as I've been thinking this thing out and praying my way through it all, I've had to recognize one really big thing about myself: I don't have an issue with his position on the matter, his solution, or the reason behind it. I actually agree with his position AND the reason behind it. I just have to make my peace with accepting the solution. I have to recognize that it is born of a heart that loves me and that wants me to be happy and content, no matter what.

And in that recognizing, I've had to decide to be obedient. To honor his request and let the Lord work it all out. To simply trust Chu on this one.

I don't know that I see the how of it just yet. Nor do I know that there is truly a need for this change right now. But I do know that the how will come. And the fact that it is being done simply out of desire, on his part? Well... that's just incredibly sweet to me.

Chu has managed to earn a whole new level of respect on this one and my confidence in him has risen a notch or two.

It is nice to see the fruit that comes from obedience in our relationship. It's a pretty special feeling to watch the Lord answer my prayers. Prayers that I've prayed for years for my husband. Chu may not be perfect, but he's being perfected daily and he continues to start looking more and more like the man I've prayed for.

How can I not honor that?

More To Remember

Love frees the spirit to soar, because it allows its object to grow past situations and pain that would otherwise destroy its essence...

more reflective stuff...

And Once Again... Just One More Post

To My Sweet Man:

My heart beats for you.

We've endured so much. Seen so much. Battled so hard.

There is so much between us, and we've had so much to overcome, but Love, we've come a long way.

Words cannot express the depth of my heart for you right now and the burden God has given me on your behalf. You have been a teacher and a friend and it means everything to me that in spite of a lot of things, our Lord gave us an opportunity to properly appreciate the blessing of our relationship.

You are, at this moment, blissfully unaware of the morning's events; as I faced the same battle we faced two years ago at this same time, I realized something: I can't make you apologize forever for the things that have caused me pain. I can't hold you emotional hostage for things that are long over and done. In some ways, I'm guilty of that. And I'm sorry.Truly I am.

There is so much that is beautiful about you. So much that makes my heart smile...

I count it a rare, beautiful privilege to learn about God's love for me as He teaches us to love eachother.

I pray that our relationship is characterized by grace;that we love each other well and freely for as long as we both shall live and that we build a legacy for generations to come of uncommon love, grace, and relationship.

All my heart, all my love, with every breath that I take.
rosheeda

In A Strange Moment....

... this is what God gave me...

2 Thessalonians 1:5 (New International Version)

5All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering.

yeah... g'nite...

God's Mercy

He protects me so often from what I do not realize is lurking in the shadows, waiting to assail me and destroy. His mercy is evident in my life in a tremendous way.

If it were not so, I cannot imagine who or where I'd be.

I'm one grateful chick.

Go see Iris and share why you are thankful.

It is Not About Me... SHEESH God!!!!!

My friend Lynn has written two posts over on her blog this last week, namely this one and this one, that have profoundly convicted me of my attitude in all this.

See, the night before the earth shattered, my uncle out of nowhere spoke to me about a season in  his and my aunt's marriage where he almost threw away the life they had. And he gave me more insight as to things that happened just before they actually got married. At that point, none of this stuff about baby boy or even the fact that H had been with this chick had been revealed. Not yet. It was literally the night before it all came out.

My uncle told me that night 'please dont be so selfish as to think its about you. It's about the legacy God wants to establish for all the little rosheeda jr's and other people in your life.' And this came AFTER he said to me 'don't do what's natural.do what's right. if you want to see God work in a super way, you have to function in an unnatural way. It's not that it doesn't feel right, it just doesn't feel natural. Becaues it is not always natural to do what's right.'

All this and he had no idea why and no real reason to tell me any of what he did that night. Neither of us knew what was comin next. Imagine my shock the next day...

Anyway. Back to the conviction...

Lynn's posts.... cant even describe the profound impact and the deep, allbeit gentle, chastisement of my heart.

The pain I've felt. It has been profound and I have been completely furious. So much so, that I have not been at all interested in what's best for anybody in this. Not even me. Because, in my own mind, what's best is me moving on so that I can get past this hurt inside. But God has been really really plain that to leave would be destruction for us both. That's a tough - and bitter - pill to swallow. Because how can such exquisite pain be best?

But knowing Lynn's story, reading Lynn's posts, it reminded me that I have been praying for H's family as long as I have been praying for him. Their futures are affected by my choices. I was reminded that all sorts of things are at work that I cannot see. I was reminded that I have asked God to allow H's family - and mine - to see him transform and me blossom and us together defy everybody's expectations so that He is revealed in our story. I asked God for this. I asked for the gift, privilege, and responsibility of this journey with H. And I'm wrong to be so angry that I don't see past my pain to his good... our good.... THEIR good...

I asked God for a unique, exquisite, undeniable work of His hands in our relationships. I want better for us that status-quo. I want more for us that kinda happy. I want far greater in our relationship than 'it'll do'... I want as close to bliss as we can find here on earth. I want an uncommon friendship and an uncommon intimacy. I want a oneness so strong and so absolute between us. I want ten years and more kids and more bills from now to look at him and feel as drawn and as connected and as united as I've felt. I want us to never lose sight of what God has done in us and to always have a marker to know that we've come face to face with God and survived. I literally want us to always revel in the gloriousness of God's work in us.

And for any of that to be, we both need to have real true reason to appreciate what God's given. It's easy in relationships to forget. It's easy to lose sight and to let life get in the way. But God can give everything I've asked and more.

The opportunity to be a reflection of God's greatness is so amazing here. But I've thumbed my nose because the road isn't easy. I've been tempted to turn tail and run because it costs so much.  I've wanted to throw all this work away because H has proved to be as human as I knew he was from the start.

Pride has always been my struggle. And now is no different. God's been showing me that little by little. Pride has played a huge part in my displeasure with all this. Cuz the truth is, I haevn't been faithful. It just didn't result in a kid and it was at a time in our relationship when I was not at all interested in what God wanted for us; I was bent on my own way and my own plans. I gave no thought to the fact that maybe H saw a future with me. I just knew that I wasn't interested in seeing one with him. I've failed too. It may not have been made known to him, but I've failed just as completely as he has.

And if the tables were turned, he loves me enough that leaving wouldn't be an option. In my heart, no matter what I WANT to say, I believe he'd stay. We'd fight. He'd be mad. It wouldn't be easy. But in spite of his hurt and brokenness, he'd stay.

I'm no better than him in this. And beyond all that, this is not about me.

Which also leads to babyboy. The way to see him is not as a reflection of his daddy's failure. The way to see him is as a reminder of God's unmitgated grace, faithfulness, and favor to us. Every time I look at that face, I will be able to see the beauty of the work of God in our relationship. He is a reminder that God is sovereign and just and that all things work together for good. That God always accomplishes His purposes in our lives and that He can do everything but fail. This boy will remind me that Love fails not and that God answered every prayer of my heart by allowing this season to be as full as it has been of all the various pieces and emotions.

Beauty for ashes is really what this is and God's glory will be undeniable when it's all said and done.

.... God sure does have a way of making His point...

Lord, I'm sorry. Yes. Everything. You are everything and You can have everything. I will embrace C and I will love - and respect - H. Just help me to keep my eyes on You as the rest of the road reveals itself. Amen.

Because I Want To Remember

Last night felt... right...

safe

protected

sincere

uncontrived and uninhibited

He wanted me near him. And I wanted to be.

We slept. Soundly.

Rested.

And each in our own way, started to surrender to our hearts.

Cozy.

Comfortable.

Honest.

It just felt... right...

Normal and like what it should be...

Just this overwhelming sense that his arms is exactly where I belong. And he felt it too.

And that's enough for now.

The rest I want to savor. It's sweet and it's soothing.

Proof that God is doing something in this.

I just want to remember. That's all.

Last night is worth remembering..

Heads or Tails

I seem to have lots of words lately. I know. It's been months since I've done any real regular posting. Apparently Im making up for lost time.

Im sitting here listening to various different songs and remembering all the reasons why they are on this particular playlist... They make me smile; the reasons are unique and they say something signifcant about the story at that moment in time.

And then I start thinkin about things. And stuff. Stuff related to things. And I wonder... I just wonder.

I suppose what I'm really trying to do is process my heart right now. But the thing is, I just dunno how to articulate all that's goin on in me or around me. Not at all. One minute I'm chillin. The next minute I'm anxious and almost overwhelmed. One moment may be all hunky-dory. But then. Somethin' happens and that happy moment passes.

It's all really strange for me. I feel pretty bi-polar right now (no offense to anyone who really IS bi-polar).

Im accustomed to being able to control my emotions... But. Not so much right now. Because I genuinely cant even anticipate them. Which is drivin' me nuts.

Although I do hafta say that I'm glad this is happening now. Not any sooner or any later. Because either of those two things would probably have landed me on the news, trynna explain why i did it. 'Mr.Officer, you dont understand. What had happened was... ' Ha! GREAT VISUAL! :D

It's not that I dont know what I know. I know the deal. I know that this is so important. I know it's gon' be fine. I know it's get through-able. (yeah i made that up)

It's just that's it's inconvenient and irksome at best.

I'm re-evaluatin', self-evaluatin', and probably just generally over-evaluatin'.

And then God talks to me and I can go one more round. But then.

We start the crazy all over again.

*sigh* how's this for processing?

ok ok. so that i can stop sounding all psycho and stuff, I'm outta here.

have a great weekend ya'll.

Ro

Why I'm Bloggin' This...

All this raw emotion...

I know this has gotta seem a really public way to deal with a really private hurt... except for the fact that this blog is probably the most private place i have in my life right now... Its the place where I can say what I will, where I can be brutally honest w/myself about my feelings and not be worried that someone is gonna find my words and peruse them like it was meant for their personal entertainment or enlightenment. Because as brutal as I am here and as honest and frank as I can be, I am not unaware that not everyone processes information my way and that not everyone - even people who love me and know me best - can take my frankness as it's usually meant...

See, the thing is this. I'm conflicted. Not as much now as I was earlire today, but still. I make no promises... My emotions are raw... as much is obvious by my posts... But even in that emotional pit, I cannot say that I want truly to hurt my H. Because no matter what we're facing, my heart for him is still protective and still wants to keep him from hurt - at the hands of anybody, and especially me. As rough as that last post was, it just needed to leave my head so that I could start working through it and accepting what's in front of us.

But in my heart of hearts, I would never utter words to him that I know would cut him to the quick, no matter how much anger resides inside. Because at the end of the day, I truly DO want this to be fine. I truly DO want to look back and see how beautifully God has worked this all out. I truly DO want the promises God's made for us and to us...

Somewhere along the line in all this, I've lost the proper respect. I've lost confidence in him and a real trust. I want those things to be re-established. With all my heart, I want them to be re-established. And so does he.

We both want this to be ok. We both want to get beyond this. And I supposed that in some circles, that would mean saying all the stuff to him in my heart. But that's not what's best for either of us right now... Beause as much as I need to process this and be able to genuinely look him in his eyes and tell him it's alright, he needs to know that he hasn't lost all respect in my sight...

I can convey lots of things to him in lots of other ways, but at the end of the day, my words matter... and I'd rather been seen as disrespectful here where it can be easily erased, than to present such an image of disrepsect and disregard for his heart and his hurt to him and add yet another hurdle for us to jump.

Truly, his hurt matters to me. As much as I'd love for it not to, it does.

But my hurt matters too, and it needs an outlet that will give me release and protect us from unacknowledged venom in my own spirit.

In all this, I know H's character. I know that his heart is being molded and shaped. I see God answering prayers I've been praying over him, us, our families for years. This situation gives way to a lot of things and serves as the start for a lot of transformation in a lot of lives & hearts - including ours. It truly will be a blessing in the end...

I'm willing to accept that...

Just bear with me as I get there.

I promise that not every post will be as harsh as that last one -hopefully that one will be the only one of it's kind... I just really need the freedom not to be anything or anybody but me right now. I need to not have to look a certain way or speak a certain way or live up to a certain standard of righteousness. Cuz I'm as human as anybody else, and for all the wisdom and insight, all the grace and strength God's given me, I'm still as susceptible to hurt and brokenness as anybody else. And right now, that's just where I am.

I expect much of myself emotionally. One of my fatal flaws.So I've decided to give myself a pass here. And just let myself be for the moment. It is what it is; when God's ready I'm guessin He'll give me something new. But for right now. It just is what it is. And I'll count it a victory that I haven't run away. Harsh words in an anonymous forum as opposed to relationship-destroying words spoken in hostility and bitterness.I'll take that, and I'm sure that given the option H would too. Cuz at the end of the day, all the matters is that when I am with him, I am what he needs me to be. It matters that I can love him. It matters that I can look at him with compassion. It matters that he can experience the part of me that is sure of God's power to fix this circumstance.It matters that I can give him the grace of not being the angry girl that showed up here today; whatever it takes to get rid of her and to allow the me that God has fashioned with such care tolive, that's what I'll do - angry posts and all. =)

I appreciate ya'll caring for us and praying. I appreciate being supported and loved. It's holding me up right now and I'm grateful.

love ya'll.

Ro

Intruders

INTRUDER... all of em. That's what they are.

I struggled at first...

'God, I cant do that. This isn't right... Not if blah blah blah blah blah...'

'Rosheeda do not give up your position. Do not allow ... blah blah blah blah blah ... to take from you what I have already given.'

Then it dawned on me. Of all the players in this game right now, I am NOT the intruder here. I  am not the one on somebody else's turf. I am not the one lieing to someone that I'm supposed to love and encouraging them to throw their lives away. I am not the one wreaking havoc. And I DO NOT have to respect those who are.

I DO NOT have to hand back what God has given to me.

Because I am not the intruder here. I'm no interloper. I'm no Jezebel. I'm no liar or thief. I'm not a deciever or a destroyer.

I am not the enemy here.

I didn't walk all up in somebody else's house to bring mess and destruction, but they have surely tried to run ALL UP IN MINE.

That being the case, I dont need to get out. THEY DO. I dont need to step aside to let them ransack my house. THEY need to back it up. ALL the way up and ALL the way outta what's mine.

I'm not wrong to stand up and take my place beside my man. I'm not wrong to protect my interests in this.

My daddy would say 'it's better to be smart than proud.'

God says 'be shrewd but innocent.'

There is a way to do this, a way to influence this thing, even while it looks like I'm just falling back.

There is a way.

And it's not dishonest or deceptive. Nor is it disrespectful to what's been asked of me.

I FINALLY get it!

"DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR POSITION. Stay put and hold your position."

Makes total sense. Because the only way I can really honor what I've been asked to give is to not give up my position. That thing that's been asked of me, that support that has been the request in all this, can only come from the fact that I am who I am to him. Nobody else can be that or fill those shoes. They might try. But at the end of the day, that's all me.

"Stay put and hold your position."

DUH!

God told me this from the start, but in light of all the rest, it feels unnatural. And it is. But it certainly is right...

Ok God. I get it now. I totally get this now.... yes Sir.

Amen.

My Profile Pic

I never made an official announcement but I have a new neice.

That sweet little thing in my pic would be my little gum-drop. Because my brother may not want his baby's name plastered all over the internet, I'll just call her GumDrop for now. She is 3 1/2 months old and just a beautiful as she can be.

Isn't she just precious, people?

CLAY... formerly known as 'Chu'

He now has a new name for blogging purposes. I don't share his real name here, because well, he doesn't know about this spot and he might not like his name all over the web when I finally share it with him.

Chu is a derivative of his name, but isn't something that rolls off my tongue easily, so I thought he needed a change.

Clay is much more fitting, for a couple of reasons:

1 - he actually is the color of sun-baked red clay dirt.
and
2- he is currently being shaped & molded. Just like clay.

So, for now, until I get another brilliant idea, Clay is his new name.

Ro

Rain

Did you know that rain represents God's Glory?

Pretty cool, huh?

Ro