Thankful Thursday - Stretching & Awakening

What am I thankful for today?

A fresh perspective. This is a huge time of transition for me. And the Lord is stretching me and allowing me to seek Him out in a new way. One that overwhelms, if I really consider what He's requiring of me, but one that leaves me SO excited to see what He will do w/this level of obedience.

I love knowing that He is confident in my ability to be stretched this way. It's just like a parent cheering you on. Knowing you can do it, even when YOU don't know you can do it. It melts my heart knowing that my Daddy trusts me with the things of importance to Him this way.

It's like I'm yawning, stretching, WAKING UP and running into that land He told me he would give to me. I'm refreshed. Like I'm coming back to life.

I love Him. And I'm thankful He loves me back.

It's About That Time...

The urge in me to run away is so strong. And I think i'm gonna give myself permission to do that. Just for a few days. Just for a little while. I need time alone away from everything and everybody. Just me and God.

Because lest we're unclear, this is not just about me and H.

I have sick family at the moment too. They're tag-teaming us. My grandfather has been in the hospital for a month and will be in a rehab-hospital for ANOTHER month. My grandmother has also been sick. Took her to the doc got meds and seemed to be getting better. But is NOT getting better. I'm not even staying @ home right now - which is probably a blessing due to the current OTHER situation. *sheesh*, but which is also a stress in and of itself - because I'm helping to grandma-sit, and THAT is more than a notion.

Work. We wont even begin to discuss that. Not at all. Not EVEN at all.

This emotional place, while it might have come to a head because of the situation w/H, is really all about EVERYTHING.

ALL THIS WORK. All this time. All this growth. And all this sacrifice. For it to look, at this point, like things are going BACK to what it was at the start of all this.

I said 'yes' and my life fell completely apart. The whole floor was pulled from under my feet. And I struggled then to hold it together. Failed miserably in a lot of ways. And two years in, was so depressed that I was just ready to quit life altogether. But God did something. He protected me. I know in my heart that He had a constant guard around me to keep the spirit of suicide from me.That place lasted for a while. Much longer than I'm comfortable recalling.

And now, two years LATER. It's all falling apart. AGAIN. The SAME way it did at first. And I'm reeling from it. Staggering to get to my feet and just hold it together somehow. And fighting this onslaught of emotion with all I got.

I stood at the hospital this morning, lookin outside talking to God. And I finally got down to what's so painful here. I said  yes to Him, believing life would get better and understanding that I had a price to pay for the choices I had made before. That price was high, but I figured, you know... I had chosen wrong so going back to the places where i made wrong turns and in effect doing it over really made sense, however uncomfortable or inconvenient it was. I could accept that.

But now? Four years later?  "Yes" still looks like this? It's all still falling apart. All that obedience and all that surrender and sacrifice and what-not. And it still ends up falling apart... All around me. Excpet that now, the stakes are higher than they were then. Because then I had some sort of life. But now. Now I have nothing at all. Because I GAVE IT ALL UP. Everything. Everything.

I gave it ALL up to follow the Lord.

And however strong I might be, I am not super-human. Nor am I immune to the effect of this on my spirit. Becaue in truth, I have not stood under my own strength in quite some time. And now I am beyond aware that the ONLY thing holding me together is God. He has put something in me, surrounding my spirit that won't let my mind fall apart. But my emotions. They're gone. Outta there.

And for me to admit that is a HUGE statement. Because me and emotions, we don't even kick it that strong.

This last blow. It's not about H. It's about the fact that it all looks like I stepped back in time to four years ago. Then, i wasnt so invested in this. Then, losing most of this stuff wouldn't have hit me so hard. But now? Now, I'm fully vested in all this. And losing anything more, be it a man a job or another relationship, its just too much. Flat-out. It's too much.

And every door, every out. God has LOCKED. I cant find a way to run away in this if i tried. Because God just wont open the door to provide the means of escape. Which is all I care to do in this space of time.

I miss me. I miss my own genuine laugh and excitement about life and the possibilities. I miss my beautiful brown eyes MINUS the sadness and seriousness that seems to always be present in this season. I miss being a person who can relax without fear of something else traumatic happening. I miss not having to fake my way through most things emotionally. I miss not always feeling broken and not always feeling like people can look at me and see the mess that is my life. I miss not wanting to hide because I'm ashamed. I miss the places where I genuinely was not uncomfortable or uncertain of me. I miss the me that made some sort of reasonable sense and that made decisions that didnt leave me feeling at the mercy of something I couldn't see or perceive. I miss not having this ridiculous responsibility and all the uncertainty and discomfort that comes with accepting it.

I miss my freedom.

And yeah i know. I have a NEW freedom in Christ. That's all good.

But.

I miss my freedom to live my OWN life. Because at least then I had the illusion of security and safety. At least then, what I had was comfortable.

Cuz all this constant discomfort; this constant risk-taking and stretching and change. This is not what I had in mind. Not at all.

I just miss that space in time where this constant breaking was not my reality. Genuinely I do.

And that's ridiculous. And contrary to God's word. Because He says in Ecclesiates NOT to long for things that were, because we can never know what that road would've  held.  Throughout scripture He says to press forward.

But so help me. Right now. I dont want to press anywhere, excpet far far away.

I have realized in the last two weeks that death is infinitely preferable to insanity. Because death is absolute. And for me, it would be life. A life free of all this that I'm muddling my way through right now. I'd be free. And in a real way, I'm craving that.

But insanity, to live locked up in one's own mind... in one's own pain and brokenness. And to do so indefinitely, until maybe the pieces reconnect somehow and allow you to regroup? That is something that I can't fathom. Not at all.

And because this is where I am - a genuine true reflection of my heart in this moment and a real understanding of just how broken inside I am right now - I am taking some kind of break.

I wanted to check out for a few days (or so) when all this started. But God said, "Not yet. You will need it more later than you do right now.'

I woke up this morning and the only thing I heard was 'I am going to allow you to leave.'

Later I heard 'now you need it.'

And the height of my own ridiculousness is that the part of me who pushes myself beyond what seems to be the limit in most things, has the audacity to think that maybe it isnt time yet. I know. I'm questioning my stability under all this, but I have the nerve to wonder if the timing is wrong... But even as I type this, I'm hearing 'You need to be alone with Me.'

So. I'm checkin' out sometime soon. Maybe even this coming weekend. HOPEFULLY this coming weekend. For as many days as I can manage it. Until I have really been with God. He wants to speak and I really need to hear.

And even if He's silent the whole time, even if all I do is sleep and pray and cry. Even if that's ALL that I do, the respite from real life and all the responsibility that comes with it will be welcome.

It will be more than welcome...

I Wondered...

when I'd really get angry about all this foolishness.

Last night I found out.

So we're having this conversation. He brings up this current situation. So I say honestly what I feel. And then he wants to start trynna put his paw all down. LIKE I BROUGHT THIS FOOLISHNESS INTO OUR LIVES.

So not a good move on his part. Not at all.

*be warned. this is a rant. i know what's right. I know what God says. But i need to get these words outta my head before they lead me to act like myself instead of trying to act like Christ.*

We've dealt with this same thing, to varying degrees for a long time. And now, because he gets his feelings bruised he makes an impulsive decision with serious far-reaching consequences. Instead of honoring my rights, I'm trynna honor God's will for us in this. And instead of him appreciating the support - and acknowledging that what he's really due is a whippin' - he comes at me like he's ENTITLED to my understanding.

OH BUT FOR JESUS. And I'm so serious about that statement. OH BUT FOR JESUS.

I know he's hurt. I know he's frustrated. I know he's tired. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

NEWSFLASH: WE'VE BEEN DOIN THIS TOGETHER. Which would mean that, last I checked, you are not hurt tired or frustrated alone. Not even a little bit.

Yet and still you are the only part of this dynamic duo that should freely speak his piece?! Nah, bro. Wrong answer. You might wanna try again. Because this road - the road where I am silent and I am expected to accept foolishness as righteousness?! That is NOT the road I'm travelin'. And by now,he should really know this. I grew up that way and it took me a long time to put that mess aside and find myself and a voice that was balanced and confident. I flatly refuse to repeat that cycle. On any level.

And I'm not sayin that silence isn't golden sometimes. Because it surely is. But when you make a choice that affects my life - my future, it is NOT the time for me to shut up so you can feel like a man. GET OVER IT. Cuz surely, you should not expect that you are free to indulge your bruised ego, at the cost of my well-being.

I know this seems like a bash. But it isn't. My anger does nothing to lessen my love. If i didn't love him, i wouldn't care at all what he did. But I do, and more than it not being good for me, it is most definitely not good for him.

I'm just sayin'. If I gotta take a big-girl pill and walk this out with God's heart for all the folks involved in this ridiculousness, then most certainly I should be able to expect him to do the same - especially since it is HIS choice that has us in this place.

yeah yeah yeah. I know that love doesn't love only when it's honored. i got all that. but it doesn't change a thing about how i feel right now.

At this moment i'm angry and over it. At this immediate moment, i'm good to wash my hands and walk away and let him fix this foolishness on his own - if he can.

Or, at least i WOULD BE ok with it.

Except for that pesky thing of trying to really be truly obedient to this commitment God asked me to make a long time ago.

So. I'm gonna keep walkin. and I'm gonna keep processing this. And giving it to God. Because if not, he is oh so OUTTA HERE.

*grace Rosheeda.Remember grace.*

*repeating over and over to myself: grace. grace. grace.*

On the off chance that anyone wants to advise me, I'm closing comments for this post. Cuz while I appreciate all the insight, I'm not searching for an answer. God's given me that. I just need a safe place to be emotionally honest.

It's not about my feelings. It's about my victory.

I know that.

But the feelings are still there and ignoring them wont do us any good.

later.

*p.s. dont be surprised if i come back Monday with something totally not angry and all full of God's p.o.v. - Remember in my last post I openly admitted to being a bit bi-polar in my response to all this.

bye ya'll.
ro

Thank You Lord

Wow.

It's been a long week people. I'm thankful that it's almost over. And I'm thankful that God showed up and righted some things that were wrong.

He keeps showing me His Sovereignty.

Gotta Love It!

Go see Iris!

Follow The Leader

Remember a long time ago, when I told you some change was on the horizon around these parts? Well, I think we're comin' up on that time.

Notice the new Scripture on the sides of the blog. Notice the lessons in trust, the talk of vulnerability, hard conversations. All that goodness.

Oh and let's not forget taking low-gear instead of high.

*sigh*

There is so much learning goin' on around this camp.

And this post is about some more of that.

What I have come to believe about marriage and becoming one is this:

It doesn't just begin from the moment you walk down an aisle, stand in front of a room full of people and proclaim your undying love and devotion. Marriage really and truly seems to me to be a choice of the heart and the spirit. There is a commitment to a future and a life together well before you say I do. You purpose inside that this is the path you are to walk and you want to walk it together. So you begin learning how. You start making that adjustment in your thinking and your decision-making. You start learning to be inter-dependent in small ways, so that when you DO take that walk, you are at least not completely shell-shocked.

And that process has started in my own little world. Actually, it's been under-way for a while now, but in the last few weeks things have kicked into a bit of a higher gear.

I'm finding that more and more in my prayer time or my talks with the Lord, He's instructing me to 'follow Chu's lead.' Which for Little-Miss-Independent is more than a notion.

'Trust him.'

'Honor his request and trust Me to work it all out.'

It's an interesting place to be, to say the least. And one that I'm honestly pretty excited about. The changes in him that I alluded to earlier this week all have to do with truly solidifying our relationship dynamic, with him being in the lead and me being willing to let him.

One of those areas is provision and my work. I know my own desires regarding work, but it never dawned on me that just maybe he had a perspective on my work and the position it takes right now, as opposed to the one he'd LIKE for it to take...

We've talked previously about my own feelings as far as working and all that good stuff and our perspectives were on totally opposite ends of the spectrum. I knew what I believed the Lord has said to me. And I knew Chu wasn't trynna hear it. So I left it alone and decided to just pray about it and let it go until later. Besides... it doesn't even really matter to me til we have kids anyway, so no big.

Well, we start talking about work and finances and all those things a week or two ago and unbeknownst to me, he has been thinking. And he has a plan. Has made an executive decision, to some extent. And as I'm listening, I'm thinkin' 'Lord is it time for this just now?' I'm preparing my rebuttal and thinkin' of the gentle way to shoot that whole plan right on down.

Then I realized that it wasn't a question. Not at all. He only phrased it as an idea to put it out there. Because you see, he doesn't make suggestions. He makes decisions that masquerade as suggestions. And really, even though I was wanting to shoot it all down I don't have a legitimate reason to resist what he's asking.

What is comes down to is this: his mindset is transitioning, just like I've been asking. The things that I would expect to see in order to be comfortable enough to start this whole process are the very things that he's showing to me. And the real question is not whether or not I like what Chu wants, but whether or not I trust him to have made a wise choice. And more than that, do I trust the Lord to do just what He's told me He would - which is to work it all out.

So, as I've been thinking this thing out and praying my way through it all, I've had to recognize one really big thing about myself: I don't have an issue with his position on the matter, his solution, or the reason behind it. I actually agree with his position AND the reason behind it. I just have to make my peace with accepting the solution. I have to recognize that it is born of a heart that loves me and that wants me to be happy and content, no matter what.

And in that recognizing, I've had to decide to be obedient. To honor his request and let the Lord work it all out. To simply trust Chu on this one.

I don't know that I see the how of it just yet. Nor do I know that there is truly a need for this change right now. But I do know that the how will come. And the fact that it is being done simply out of desire, on his part? Well... that's just incredibly sweet to me.

Chu has managed to earn a whole new level of respect on this one and my confidence in him has risen a notch or two.

It is nice to see the fruit that comes from obedience in our relationship. It's a pretty special feeling to watch the Lord answer my prayers. Prayers that I've prayed for years for my husband. Chu may not be perfect, but he's being perfected daily and he continues to start looking more and more like the man I've prayed for.

How can I not honor that?

More To Remember

Love frees the spirit to soar, because it allows its object to grow past situations and pain that would otherwise destroy its essence...

more reflective stuff...

And Once Again... Just One More Post

To My Sweet Man:

My heart beats for you.

We've endured so much. Seen so much. Battled so hard.

There is so much between us, and we've had so much to overcome, but Love, we've come a long way.

Words cannot express the depth of my heart for you right now and the burden God has given me on your behalf. You have been a teacher and a friend and it means everything to me that in spite of a lot of things, our Lord gave us an opportunity to properly appreciate the blessing of our relationship.

You are, at this moment, blissfully unaware of the morning's events; as I faced the same battle we faced two years ago at this same time, I realized something: I can't make you apologize forever for the things that have caused me pain. I can't hold you emotional hostage for things that are long over and done. In some ways, I'm guilty of that. And I'm sorry.Truly I am.

There is so much that is beautiful about you. So much that makes my heart smile...

I count it a rare, beautiful privilege to learn about God's love for me as He teaches us to love eachother.

I pray that our relationship is characterized by grace;that we love each other well and freely for as long as we both shall live and that we build a legacy for generations to come of uncommon love, grace, and relationship.

All my heart, all my love, with every breath that I take.
rosheeda

In A Strange Moment....

... this is what God gave me...

2 Thessalonians 1:5 (New International Version)

5All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering.

yeah... g'nite...

God's Mercy

He protects me so often from what I do not realize is lurking in the shadows, waiting to assail me and destroy. His mercy is evident in my life in a tremendous way.

If it were not so, I cannot imagine who or where I'd be.

I'm one grateful chick.

Go see Iris and share why you are thankful.

It is Not About Me... SHEESH God!!!!!

My friend Lynn has written two posts over on her blog this last week, namely this one and this one, that have profoundly convicted me of my attitude in all this.

See, the night before the earth shattered, my uncle out of nowhere spoke to me about a season in  his and my aunt's marriage where he almost threw away the life they had. And he gave me more insight as to things that happened just before they actually got married. At that point, none of this stuff about baby boy or even the fact that H had been with this chick had been revealed. Not yet. It was literally the night before it all came out.

My uncle told me that night 'please dont be so selfish as to think its about you. It's about the legacy God wants to establish for all the little rosheeda jr's and other people in your life.' And this came AFTER he said to me 'don't do what's natural.do what's right. if you want to see God work in a super way, you have to function in an unnatural way. It's not that it doesn't feel right, it just doesn't feel natural. Becaues it is not always natural to do what's right.'

All this and he had no idea why and no real reason to tell me any of what he did that night. Neither of us knew what was comin next. Imagine my shock the next day...

Anyway. Back to the conviction...

Lynn's posts.... cant even describe the profound impact and the deep, allbeit gentle, chastisement of my heart.

The pain I've felt. It has been profound and I have been completely furious. So much so, that I have not been at all interested in what's best for anybody in this. Not even me. Because, in my own mind, what's best is me moving on so that I can get past this hurt inside. But God has been really really plain that to leave would be destruction for us both. That's a tough - and bitter - pill to swallow. Because how can such exquisite pain be best?

But knowing Lynn's story, reading Lynn's posts, it reminded me that I have been praying for H's family as long as I have been praying for him. Their futures are affected by my choices. I was reminded that all sorts of things are at work that I cannot see. I was reminded that I have asked God to allow H's family - and mine - to see him transform and me blossom and us together defy everybody's expectations so that He is revealed in our story. I asked God for this. I asked for the gift, privilege, and responsibility of this journey with H. And I'm wrong to be so angry that I don't see past my pain to his good... our good.... THEIR good...

I asked God for a unique, exquisite, undeniable work of His hands in our relationships. I want better for us that status-quo. I want more for us that kinda happy. I want far greater in our relationship than 'it'll do'... I want as close to bliss as we can find here on earth. I want an uncommon friendship and an uncommon intimacy. I want a oneness so strong and so absolute between us. I want ten years and more kids and more bills from now to look at him and feel as drawn and as connected and as united as I've felt. I want us to never lose sight of what God has done in us and to always have a marker to know that we've come face to face with God and survived. I literally want us to always revel in the gloriousness of God's work in us.

And for any of that to be, we both need to have real true reason to appreciate what God's given. It's easy in relationships to forget. It's easy to lose sight and to let life get in the way. But God can give everything I've asked and more.

The opportunity to be a reflection of God's greatness is so amazing here. But I've thumbed my nose because the road isn't easy. I've been tempted to turn tail and run because it costs so much.  I've wanted to throw all this work away because H has proved to be as human as I knew he was from the start.

Pride has always been my struggle. And now is no different. God's been showing me that little by little. Pride has played a huge part in my displeasure with all this. Cuz the truth is, I haevn't been faithful. It just didn't result in a kid and it was at a time in our relationship when I was not at all interested in what God wanted for us; I was bent on my own way and my own plans. I gave no thought to the fact that maybe H saw a future with me. I just knew that I wasn't interested in seeing one with him. I've failed too. It may not have been made known to him, but I've failed just as completely as he has.

And if the tables were turned, he loves me enough that leaving wouldn't be an option. In my heart, no matter what I WANT to say, I believe he'd stay. We'd fight. He'd be mad. It wouldn't be easy. But in spite of his hurt and brokenness, he'd stay.

I'm no better than him in this. And beyond all that, this is not about me.

Which also leads to babyboy. The way to see him is not as a reflection of his daddy's failure. The way to see him is as a reminder of God's unmitgated grace, faithfulness, and favor to us. Every time I look at that face, I will be able to see the beauty of the work of God in our relationship. He is a reminder that God is sovereign and just and that all things work together for good. That God always accomplishes His purposes in our lives and that He can do everything but fail. This boy will remind me that Love fails not and that God answered every prayer of my heart by allowing this season to be as full as it has been of all the various pieces and emotions.

Beauty for ashes is really what this is and God's glory will be undeniable when it's all said and done.

.... God sure does have a way of making His point...

Lord, I'm sorry. Yes. Everything. You are everything and You can have everything. I will embrace C and I will love - and respect - H. Just help me to keep my eyes on You as the rest of the road reveals itself. Amen.

Because I Want To Remember

Last night felt... right...

safe

protected

sincere

uncontrived and uninhibited

He wanted me near him. And I wanted to be.

We slept. Soundly.

Rested.

And each in our own way, started to surrender to our hearts.

Cozy.

Comfortable.

Honest.

It just felt... right...

Normal and like what it should be...

Just this overwhelming sense that his arms is exactly where I belong. And he felt it too.

And that's enough for now.

The rest I want to savor. It's sweet and it's soothing.

Proof that God is doing something in this.

I just want to remember. That's all.

Last night is worth remembering..

Heads or Tails

I seem to have lots of words lately. I know. It's been months since I've done any real regular posting. Apparently Im making up for lost time.

Im sitting here listening to various different songs and remembering all the reasons why they are on this particular playlist... They make me smile; the reasons are unique and they say something signifcant about the story at that moment in time.

And then I start thinkin about things. And stuff. Stuff related to things. And I wonder... I just wonder.

I suppose what I'm really trying to do is process my heart right now. But the thing is, I just dunno how to articulate all that's goin on in me or around me. Not at all. One minute I'm chillin. The next minute I'm anxious and almost overwhelmed. One moment may be all hunky-dory. But then. Somethin' happens and that happy moment passes.

It's all really strange for me. I feel pretty bi-polar right now (no offense to anyone who really IS bi-polar).

Im accustomed to being able to control my emotions... But. Not so much right now. Because I genuinely cant even anticipate them. Which is drivin' me nuts.

Although I do hafta say that I'm glad this is happening now. Not any sooner or any later. Because either of those two things would probably have landed me on the news, trynna explain why i did it. 'Mr.Officer, you dont understand. What had happened was... ' Ha! GREAT VISUAL! :D

It's not that I dont know what I know. I know the deal. I know that this is so important. I know it's gon' be fine. I know it's get through-able. (yeah i made that up)

It's just that's it's inconvenient and irksome at best.

I'm re-evaluatin', self-evaluatin', and probably just generally over-evaluatin'.

And then God talks to me and I can go one more round. But then.

We start the crazy all over again.

*sigh* how's this for processing?

ok ok. so that i can stop sounding all psycho and stuff, I'm outta here.

have a great weekend ya'll.

Ro

Why I'm Bloggin' This...

All this raw emotion...

I know this has gotta seem a really public way to deal with a really private hurt... except for the fact that this blog is probably the most private place i have in my life right now... Its the place where I can say what I will, where I can be brutally honest w/myself about my feelings and not be worried that someone is gonna find my words and peruse them like it was meant for their personal entertainment or enlightenment. Because as brutal as I am here and as honest and frank as I can be, I am not unaware that not everyone processes information my way and that not everyone - even people who love me and know me best - can take my frankness as it's usually meant...

See, the thing is this. I'm conflicted. Not as much now as I was earlire today, but still. I make no promises... My emotions are raw... as much is obvious by my posts... But even in that emotional pit, I cannot say that I want truly to hurt my H. Because no matter what we're facing, my heart for him is still protective and still wants to keep him from hurt - at the hands of anybody, and especially me. As rough as that last post was, it just needed to leave my head so that I could start working through it and accepting what's in front of us.

But in my heart of hearts, I would never utter words to him that I know would cut him to the quick, no matter how much anger resides inside. Because at the end of the day, I truly DO want this to be fine. I truly DO want to look back and see how beautifully God has worked this all out. I truly DO want the promises God's made for us and to us...

Somewhere along the line in all this, I've lost the proper respect. I've lost confidence in him and a real trust. I want those things to be re-established. With all my heart, I want them to be re-established. And so does he.

We both want this to be ok. We both want to get beyond this. And I supposed that in some circles, that would mean saying all the stuff to him in my heart. But that's not what's best for either of us right now... Beause as much as I need to process this and be able to genuinely look him in his eyes and tell him it's alright, he needs to know that he hasn't lost all respect in my sight...

I can convey lots of things to him in lots of other ways, but at the end of the day, my words matter... and I'd rather been seen as disrespectful here where it can be easily erased, than to present such an image of disrepsect and disregard for his heart and his hurt to him and add yet another hurdle for us to jump.

Truly, his hurt matters to me. As much as I'd love for it not to, it does.

But my hurt matters too, and it needs an outlet that will give me release and protect us from unacknowledged venom in my own spirit.

In all this, I know H's character. I know that his heart is being molded and shaped. I see God answering prayers I've been praying over him, us, our families for years. This situation gives way to a lot of things and serves as the start for a lot of transformation in a lot of lives & hearts - including ours. It truly will be a blessing in the end...

I'm willing to accept that...

Just bear with me as I get there.

I promise that not every post will be as harsh as that last one -hopefully that one will be the only one of it's kind... I just really need the freedom not to be anything or anybody but me right now. I need to not have to look a certain way or speak a certain way or live up to a certain standard of righteousness. Cuz I'm as human as anybody else, and for all the wisdom and insight, all the grace and strength God's given me, I'm still as susceptible to hurt and brokenness as anybody else. And right now, that's just where I am.

I expect much of myself emotionally. One of my fatal flaws.So I've decided to give myself a pass here. And just let myself be for the moment. It is what it is; when God's ready I'm guessin He'll give me something new. But for right now. It just is what it is. And I'll count it a victory that I haven't run away. Harsh words in an anonymous forum as opposed to relationship-destroying words spoken in hostility and bitterness.I'll take that, and I'm sure that given the option H would too. Cuz at the end of the day, all the matters is that when I am with him, I am what he needs me to be. It matters that I can love him. It matters that I can look at him with compassion. It matters that he can experience the part of me that is sure of God's power to fix this circumstance.It matters that I can give him the grace of not being the angry girl that showed up here today; whatever it takes to get rid of her and to allow the me that God has fashioned with such care tolive, that's what I'll do - angry posts and all. =)

I appreciate ya'll caring for us and praying. I appreciate being supported and loved. It's holding me up right now and I'm grateful.

love ya'll.

Ro

Intruders

INTRUDER... all of em. That's what they are.

I struggled at first...

'God, I cant do that. This isn't right... Not if blah blah blah blah blah...'

'Rosheeda do not give up your position. Do not allow ... blah blah blah blah blah ... to take from you what I have already given.'

Then it dawned on me. Of all the players in this game right now, I am NOT the intruder here. I  am not the one on somebody else's turf. I am not the one lieing to someone that I'm supposed to love and encouraging them to throw their lives away. I am not the one wreaking havoc. And I DO NOT have to respect those who are.

I DO NOT have to hand back what God has given to me.

Because I am not the intruder here. I'm no interloper. I'm no Jezebel. I'm no liar or thief. I'm not a deciever or a destroyer.

I am not the enemy here.

I didn't walk all up in somebody else's house to bring mess and destruction, but they have surely tried to run ALL UP IN MINE.

That being the case, I dont need to get out. THEY DO. I dont need to step aside to let them ransack my house. THEY need to back it up. ALL the way up and ALL the way outta what's mine.

I'm not wrong to stand up and take my place beside my man. I'm not wrong to protect my interests in this.

My daddy would say 'it's better to be smart than proud.'

God says 'be shrewd but innocent.'

There is a way to do this, a way to influence this thing, even while it looks like I'm just falling back.

There is a way.

And it's not dishonest or deceptive. Nor is it disrespectful to what's been asked of me.

I FINALLY get it!

"DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR POSITION. Stay put and hold your position."

Makes total sense. Because the only way I can really honor what I've been asked to give is to not give up my position. That thing that's been asked of me, that support that has been the request in all this, can only come from the fact that I am who I am to him. Nobody else can be that or fill those shoes. They might try. But at the end of the day, that's all me.

"Stay put and hold your position."

DUH!

God told me this from the start, but in light of all the rest, it feels unnatural. And it is. But it certainly is right...

Ok God. I get it now. I totally get this now.... yes Sir.

Amen.

My Profile Pic

I never made an official announcement but I have a new neice.

That sweet little thing in my pic would be my little gum-drop. Because my brother may not want his baby's name plastered all over the internet, I'll just call her GumDrop for now. She is 3 1/2 months old and just a beautiful as she can be.

Isn't she just precious, people?

CLAY... formerly known as 'Chu'

He now has a new name for blogging purposes. I don't share his real name here, because well, he doesn't know about this spot and he might not like his name all over the web when I finally share it with him.

Chu is a derivative of his name, but isn't something that rolls off my tongue easily, so I thought he needed a change.

Clay is much more fitting, for a couple of reasons:

1 - he actually is the color of sun-baked red clay dirt.
and
2- he is currently being shaped & molded. Just like clay.

So, for now, until I get another brilliant idea, Clay is his new name.

Ro

Rain

Did you know that rain represents God's Glory?

Pretty cool, huh?

Ro

Every Season - Nicole Nordeman

This is a great song. One that I have loved from the first moment I heard it several years ago.
Enjoy!

every evening sky, an invitation to trace the pattern stars
and early in july, celebration for freedom that is ours
and i notice You in childrens games
in those who watch them from the shade
every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

and even when the trees have just surendered to the harvest time
forfeiting their leaves in late september and sending us inside
still i notice You when change begins
and i am braced for colder winds
i will offer thanks for what has been and whats to come
You are autumn

and everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep
wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath
and still i notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted glass
even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

and everything thats new has bravely surfaced
teaching us to breathe
what was frozen through is newly purposed
turning all things green
so it is with You and how you make me new, with every seasons change
and so it will be, as You are recreating me
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring

Whoever Said

love doesn't hurt...

LIED.

It does. And maybe that isn't a bad thing.

Hear me out on this one.

Love is an exquisite thing. It is the greatest experience there is. But it is not perfect and does not come without it's own set of challenges.

And that is because you are talking about a relationship between two completely separate people.

Then to make matters worse, you start trynna become one and you have a never-ending process where there are bound to be some growing pains.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not cynical about love. I just think we ought to teach this thing the right way.

If love were easy or did not involve some level of pain, then 1 Corinthians 13 would not be a necessary part of Scripture.

I think I'm going to go thru that passage of scripture here until we've covered them all.

I think we'll start this week.

Ro

KESHA!!!!!

THANK YOU for being my person.

I love you and I'm really grateful God gave you to me at this point in my life. You're a wondeful gift, precious friend of mine. =)

Isaiah 43:1-21

NIV

1 But now, this is what the LORD says—

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the LORD, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

Cush [a] and Seba in your stead.

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give men in exchange for you,

and people in exchange for your life.

5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'

and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

7 everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made."

8 Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,

who have ears but are deaf.

9 All the nations gather together

and the peoples assemble.

Which of them foretold this

and proclaimed to us the former things?

Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,

so that others may hear and say, "It is true."

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,

"and my servant whom I have chosen,

so that you may know and believe me

and understand that I am he.

Before me no god was formed,

nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,

and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—

I, and not some foreign god among you.

You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he.

No one can deliver out of my hand.

When I act, who can reverse it?"

14 This is what the LORD says—

your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:

"For your sake I will send to Babylon

and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians, [b]

in the ships in which they took pride.

15 I am the LORD, your Holy One,

Israel's Creator, your King."

16 This is what the LORD says—

he who made a way through the sea,

a path through the mighty waters,

17 who drew out the chariots and horses,

the army and reinforcements together,

and they lay there, never to rise again,

extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

18 "Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.

20 The wild animals honor me,

the jackals and the owls,

because I provide water in the desert

and streams in the wasteland,

to give drink to my people, my chosen,

21 the people I formed for myself

that they may proclaim my praise.

Daring to Love

My man is just amazing.

I've watched him over the last 18 months grow in ways that I so wanted but didn't expect.

Then it felt like we took two giant steps backwards at the first of the year. And I was at my breaking point. Not speaking. Not respecting. Not cherishing. Not gracious. Not forgiving. Not much of anything God called me to be.

Just mean and mad.

And then God challenged me to learn to love His way.

I was NOT a happy camper. Not even a little bit. Because our problems? They were not due to my bad attitude. Not at all. They were due to HIS bad decisions. My attitude didn't help, but it surely didn't start it and I really felt like I had every reason to be HOT and to show it for once in our lives.

God said otherwise. He was gentle, but firm in His requirements. Absolutely unwavering. Everyting I watched was love - loving even when you are the one being hurt. Loving simnply because He says so.

Then I watched Fireproof, finally. And was ready to just gag.

And then the Lord says, do the Love Dare.

I was not thrilled, but I was willing to obey because we were falling apart and I needed a way to regain my footing. I needed to see God do somethin' in us - in me.

Day 1. Not bad. Day 2. ok. Day 3. NOT EVEN.

I was unhappy. Seriously unhappy. And the emotional dam I seem to always have went ahead and broke. And then I broke.

Day 4. ok. Day 5. Then it got tough. But this time instead of getting mad, I got to the business of praying and being obedient. And listening.

And then it dawned on me. I was not the only one hurting. Maybe the hurt he was feeling had been tied to circumstances of his own making, but the fact is that whether or not he EARNED his hurt feelings because of his behavior, my responsiblity to love him did not change.

Doesn't matter that I was good and tired. Doesn't matter that the things that he felt were negatives on my part were, in large part, a result of some things that seriously needed attention on his part.

None of that mattered.

Because love always endures. Always hopes. Never fails.

Love is not a option or a feeling I was given. It is an instruction we are ALL given. And even beyond an instruction, it is a gift. One we receive when we accept Christ - and as such, one we are called to give to eachother because He gave it to us.

How absolutely humbling.

And as I looked into my king's face that day - day 5 of the Love Dare - it was so absolutely painful to me that I had failed to give him what has been so freely given to me...

But from that day, things started to change. The Love Dare was no longer just because God said I had to; it became a willing endeavor, because I never want to be the cause of his pain in that way again. I never want him to not feel like his heart is safe with me.

I have been amazed. That small concession to actively engage has reaped gigantic rewards. Trust is real between us. Real trust. Not just trusting him to be faithful or trusting him to tell me the truth, but trusting eachother with the hard stuff. The stuff that's deep down inside that you just don't think u really want to share. But somehow you figure out you do. And we've finally gotten here.

Really beautiful.

We really have come a long way from Day 1 - he and I both. Tolday is Day 37 and I wouldn't have traded these last few weeks for anything.

The Love Dare is a good thing.

A good thing indeed.

Look at God

You know what? I haven't done a thankful post in a long time. But today, I feel a bit compelled to join in.

Last year was rough. And I really do mean ROUGH. This year is starting out significantly better. Which is my first thankful.

God has been showing me some things since the first of the year that just blow me away. Something I've been praying for for seven years is starting to materialize. I realized that the first part - which is a miracle in itself - has happened. Everything else will flow in due time. I'm thankful. You just have no idea.

My word for the year is 'release'. In my work life, that process is well underway. God is opening a new door, but working it out so that my loyalty cannot be dismissed. He is showing me that He does all things well and that He is indeed a promise-keeper. I'm beyond thankful on this one.

Preparation. So much has gone in and so much has been endured. And God has been good to give me a heads-up for a lot of it. He's doing that again; giving me word NOW for what's to come, so that it can be hidden in my heart and drawn on at the appointed time. My God is so beautiful. And I'm thankful

This list could go on and on and on, but I'll stop here. I've missed ya'll! I'll do this more often!

head to Lynn's blog to join in.

Love you.
ro

Shame & All That

I was talking to my person yesterday and I mentioned the shame part of this thing and she said something so very insightful... Outside your family and your closest people, who really has to know? People know so little about the two of you in general that most people will never know the reality of this unless you tell them. And even with your family, how much do you really have to share. All they will know is that it's there. They wont know when you found out how you found out or any of that, unless you tell them.

She made a great point. And it stayed with me all evening and night and on into this morning.

Add to that the fact that I have a circle of women that God gave me pretty shortly after I started this blog as friends and a support system. As a matter of fact, I met one of my best friends through this group.

(See a set-up comin in this? Yeah. I didnt either at first... )

I was brave enough to ask them to pray in general yesterday. But I wasn't brave enough to share the whole story.

Even as I typed, I heard the Father say 'I have given them to you for support. Allow them to support you.' And like the wonderful women they are, they rose up with wisdom and encouragement that just blessed my soul.

This morning I heard again 'let them support you.' So. I took the risk. I shared all of it. Gave them details and specifics. These women, i know they are prayer warriors. I know they seek God. I know that they know God in the unorthodoxy of life. And God said let them in. So I did...

As I was typing, putting it all out there for everybody to know, God showed me something... The only way this will be a shame that we have to bear is if we treat it as such. Is this situation a result of sin? Yes. But is the end result truly something of which to be ashamed? Not at all.

It dawned on me as I was typing and feeling fear and uncertainty and all those things about sharing such an intimate personal part of my heart, that the only power this situation will carry is that that is ascribed to it by me.

Shame is only as powerful as you allow it to be.

This situation is no different than anyother one we've faced. Not really. I've taken the same position in this relationship all along: you dont have to like it. You dont have to agree. You dont even have to understand. But at the end of the day, you need to accept it and respect it. Cuz if I can get over it, and I'm the one in it and ultimately paying whatever cost for it, then surely you can.

This is the same. People make mistakes. Bad choices. There are countless personal indiscretions all across the board in all our lives and none is any worse or any better in God's sight. And they all cost somebody something somewhere. But that doesnt take away from the fact that we are each worthy of love and of experiencing God's absolute best for our lives.

I'm no better than H. Who, exactly, am I that should think myself to good to work this out? Who, exactly, am I that I should believe I have a right to be too tired, too done, too... whatever... to extend the same grace and offer the same love and take the same joy in healing that has been extended, offered, and taken in me?

I'm outta line. This is not a shame. But my attitude. My conduct. If it doesn't line up, it most definitely will be.

What satan means for evil God means for good.

No weapon formed against us shall prosper.

Love never fails.

This battle is not against flesh and blood. And as much as I have resented H seeing me as the enemy, I need to stop seeing his people that way. They are not the enemy. The spirits at work in & through them, THEY are the enemies. And they won't be defeated by my own pride, hurt, and bad attitude. The greatest weapon we have is Love. It's in Ecclesiastes somewhere.

Satan knows me. He knows my arrogance. He knows my history. He knows my fear of rejection. He knows my pride. He isn't playing for just one life. He wants the whole shebang.

Romans 5:19-21 'For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so alas through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous. The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, GRACE INCREASED ALL THE MORE, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign THROUGH righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

The direction to me is nothing complicated: Know who You are. Stay firm. Be righteous. Love your husband.

I have asked God to credit my faith as righteousness. Obedience is a by-product of that.... and based on this passage obedience leads to righteousness, which allows grace to increase and to reign so that God's eternal work can be made manifest.

God is doing an eternal work. Of all the players here, the most important choice any one of us can make is righteousness. So... in as much as I can choose. In as much as my choice matters, I choose righteousness. And I pray that through that choice on my part, the many would be made righteous in this and that eternal life would come to them that have yet to recieve the gift of God's love.

I am no better than my husband. God's grace was enough for me and it's foolish of me to not believe that it's enough for H.

Yeah. I'm getting over myself.

When The Rubber Meets The Road... You'll Know You're Ready

"She needs to be loved beyond her failure, by someone who understands how profoundly changed they are because God loved them that same way."

This is real life.Where rubber meets the road.

God has also said to me repeatedly, and at varios times 'let your light so shine before men...'

Didn't really get it. But now maybe it's becoming clear.

I need to live what I've learned, live who I've become. And I need to do it out loud and in color.

It's no good to learn God's truth - to have a personal revelatory and experiential understanding of Truth - and then to hide it under a bushel until it's 'safe' to put it on display.

The time when truth most matters is when it's pitch black around you. That's when it's most clearly evidenced. That's when you know how bright and strong and real it really is. Not in the light when all  u gotta do is breathe and everything seems all sunshine-y and beautiful.

There's something about darkness that forces you to search for that switch. Frantically. Unrelentingly. Until you find it. Because if you dont find it, it'll take you FOREVER to find your way outta that room!

Simple enough, right?

Except that this light is internal and in order for it to shine,  you have to choose to let that switch (that is faith) come on and take center stage.

The more you use it, the brighter it gets. Just like a muscle. When u exercise it, it gets stronger and stronger.

"Rosheeda, let your light so shine..."

Don't talk about it, be about it. Anybody can talk a good game. But real faith puts the rubber to the road.

It allows itself to mature and to breathe the breath that gives it fresh life and deep roots.

This is character-strengthening and heart-tranforming. This whole process. That's what it's been about.This whole journey. All this work and all this pain.

I'm watching it collide in this space in time. God told me it would be this way, that in one colossal set of events I'd know I was ready for what He's asking. I see it now. I see it in the last few days of hashing all this out and just letting Him speak to my heart. That post last night. I'm realizing the truth of what He's done - what He's doing. The privilege that He's giving me by allowing me to play such an intimate intricate role in someone else realizing God's love for them and His desire to give them abundance.

I get it. 

I'm ready. 

I'm not thrilled about how it's gone down or how it's come to light, but really. As much as this kinda responsibility has always unsettled me, I know now that God made me for this. He knew what He wanted of me and for me before the foundations of time. He knew how i'd feel and what it'd take. He knew the stress it would bring and the war it would raise inside me. And He knew that at the end of the day, I'd do it because He asked. He knew I'd do it with my all and in spite of my fears and doubts. He knew how it would look and how it would end. He knows. 

If I or we weren't ready for all of this, He wouldn't have appointed it to come pass at this time in my life or H's. This is not about him or me. It's about what God wants to do and the part He's asking me to play.  

I am ready. H is ready. That we are making our way thru this road of MUD and still somehow holding tight to eachother and pushing for dear life to see this thru, it proves that.

He's called us for such a time as this.  He's called ME for such a time as this.

God ordained this season in my life and our relationship and He is not clueless. He's in control. Was at the start and is at this very moment.

He knew. He knows.

It's really time for me to believe Him and let my faith live so that we can make our way outta this darkness and into the light of a beautiful brand new day and way of life.

I dunno who, but I'm sure that there's at least one other someone on the face of the earth who has followed God this way and paid a high price up-front but the end result was beyond their wildest dreams. They didn't get there by bemoaning the sacrifice. They got there by accepting it and believing God enough to obey, trusting Him enough to press into Him, and knowing Him well enough to know when to rely solely on His voice and nothing/noone else's.

They let everything they had learned in the shelter of His wings surface when it was time to let the rubber meet the road.

They were willing to be a beacon of light even though the may or may not have felt 'ready' to walk in the call to shine.

So then. I guess it's time that I act like I know who God is. Little by little... Maybe I'm finally making some headway in all this....