You're Free. Now Choose Again.

Ugh.

I feel like God is testing me. And He probably is.

This authenticity thing. 

oh boy.

It's almost like God has allowed this door to open so that He can prove to me who I really am at this point. Which is all good, except... I dunno the answer.

I mean. I know that I needed to get to the place inside me where I could really be honest w/myself and God and even H about all this. That's not a bad thing at all.

But now, I'm faced with this unexpected turn of events. The more I've surrendered myself to this process this week, the more I see the freedom that I can take right now. I mean really. It is what it is, right? The instruction was to stay.... I'm still here....

But uh... cant that be on my terms?When it's convenient for me? Can't I still be here and even be checked in - only I do what I want outside the time we spend together? I mean... I'm strong enough to not compromise us in any real way, right? I deserve the time to breathe, right? Some 'me' time. Even H says I need it, right?

This authenticity thing... It apparently has the potential to go terribly wrong.

God told me a week or two ago that I would need to be making some choices as to whether or not I would keep on following Him. I would have the opporutnity to choose my road again.

So like, really. In light of the stronghold being broken and the new sense of freedom in my spirit, I am getting a literal do-over here. This is pretty much all the way back to the place where God called me to choose Him or me the first time. And I did it partially. H was the place where God gave me an opportunity to choose Him. H was the right choice, made with the wrong heart, attitude and perspective. God kept showing me, and I kept rejecting it out of hand because it didnt fit MY desires and MY idea of waht was best.

We're back here again. Who can really be shocked?!

And I can very literally do the same thing all over again: make the right choice with the wrong heart, attitude and perspective. I can take advantage of the bond between us and the fact that he'll work hard enough for the both of us to hold on to what we have. Just like I did then.

Or I can make the right choice on every level and choose God fully, instead of a little bit of God with a LOTTA BIT of me.

The glaring difference is that then, I didn't do the things I did with the knowledge that I have now.

But now. Now I know better. And now I'm being called to choose from a place of freedom, rather than of bondage.

The question on the table is this: do you get your freedom, only to squander it and go back to living with a worldly mentatlity? Or do you get your freedom and choose the slavery of righteousness?

"Will you put Me away now and live your own life, or will you follow Me still and fully commit to the life I have for you?"

I mean. Since you put it that way, Lord...

Out of all that I'm tempted with right now, this has been the most appealing. And I need to give it up before I ruin my own life.

A wise woman builds her house but a foolish one tears it down with her hands.

In all the pleasure of self-discovery and freedom, the reality is that I was not set free to do my own thing. God hasn't released me from my fears and bad choices only to have me live life on my own terms.

... God has such a way of making things plain....

H just called me. We talked for a second. He said 'I called you last night, about x number of times.'  I responded saying that I saw the last couple of calls, but that my battery had died and I didnt have my charger to call back. Which, was kinda true. My battery was NEARLY dead and it would've died pretty much as soon as I answered. But... I didnt answer the phone because I really just didnt want to be bothered...

His response to my response was to start to say something, but then catch himself and just say 'ok'. Meaning he doesnt believe me. Meaning that he feels like whatever I was doing, I just blew him off...

As we hung up, God gave me an image of him. He's tired. Sweaty and worn out like he just finished the race of his life. And he's broken.

"He's trying to make his way back... "

And the only thought I had was, don't hurt him on purpose. Don't mistreat him.

"Dont reject his efforts."

I'm wrong. This whole set of feelings I've had the last couple of days. They're wrong. It is NOT what it is.

"You cannot on be partially vested. You are committed in full or not at all, but to only check-in partially is to hurt him. You cannot expect him to walk in maturity if you are unwilling to fully engage."

In that moment, I made my decision.

I wont hurt him. We've done way too much of that. We've been waay too careless with eachother - for whatever the reason. And what God is doing is much too precious to throw it away for something as foolish as an unanswered phone call.

Alright God. Your way. And Your way alone. Not a little bit of You and a lotta bit of me. No partial check-in. I'm here. Present and fully engaged. I'm sorry.

Oh boy. The irony of it all....

oh boy...

Trust*Submission*My Wierdness

Chu is the first and only man that I have ever had in my life that has allowed me to find the courage enough to see him as trustworthy. He has endured my distance and my coldness and my total lack of expectation - at least of anything worth having. And even in the times where he has met my expectation of UTTERLY failing, he has gotten up, dug his feet in and gotten back to the business at hand... And all of this proves to me that he is trustworthy. My heart is safe with him. And this, I have worked really hard to grow into...

Just when I get comfortable... BAM ... here comes some more growth. *rollin' my eyes waaaaaaaaaay too hard*

I gotta learn how to submit? Not really feelin' that. We won't even go there with the conversation between me and the Lord on this one. Just know: HE WON.

I followed the direction and let Chu dictate the flow of things over the weekend. And considering that this is in direct relationship to my miffed-ness with him last week, we all know this did not taste sweet going down for me. HOWEVER, for him it seems to have unlocked some door internally. That man started speaking like he intends to be the head of somebody's household *coughcough* and I sat and listened in sheer amazement at the fact that he seemed to grow like FIFTY FEET TALL in 30 seconds flat. And it was in that moment that I realized what I am being called to do is not just to do what he tells me to do, or to let him have the last say because that's really his right position, but I am being instructed (and please note, I did not say 'asked' or 'encouraged') to trust that man with my life.

Now, I have always known that submission is just a matter of whether or not I trust him and more than that, whether or not I trust Him with my life. It has been all good to learn all that in theory. I have sat thru marriage classes plenty of times and all this has been drilled into my head countless times - but seriously it was all good, LONG AS IT DIDN'T APPLY TO ME. Now that I am having to begin applying all this head-knowledge, I'm finding that my heart is a very reluctant student.

More and more we are talking about building a life together and as exciting as that prospect is for me, it is overwhelmingly nerve-inducing. Seriously. I break out in a cold-sweat (not really, just being dramatic). The very idea of that sort of one-on-one all up in my business all the time-ness is jus a BIT much for my not very public,unaccustomed to sharing or having to do what somebody tells me to, loner self.

I discovered this weekend that submission is about so much more than just accpeting his authority &/or input; it really is about trust. It is a matter of whether or not I trust him to care for me fully, whether or not I trust him to know me - really know me - intimately and still like me, let alone still love me, whether or not I trust him to see me in all of my un-pretty glory and still think I'm sexy. (He's seen ugly clothes and even seen ugly hair, but tied up hair? DO RAGS and satin caps people, and other 'before I'm semi-puttogether' mess? NOT EVEN.) And we will not even discuss the idea of goin to the bathroom with him in the same house. SO SERIOUS. *tmi, maybe?* Wondering if he will be so grossed out at the un-ladylike things that he has so far been spared, that it'll send him packin', and trusting that none of that foolishness really matters to him and all that DOES matter is the life we share.

Some of this is silly I know, but it's real and honest and in the course of the time we spent together this weekend and last night, all of it dawned on me in a very fresh, real, new way...

But I guess I'd rather tackle this mountain of trusting him fully than live a life that does not include him at all... So it's on to conquer the beast, people!

bye,

PS - Don't be surprised if you see more and more of this mess. *Rolling my eyes* I have to work thru it somehow and it doesn't sound as babyish if I blog it, as it would if I were to oh... i dunno... tell Chu how I'm feelin. *sheesh. I liked it better when I didn't care what a man thought.*

Ten Thing Tuesday

So. Mrs. Brownstone, over at XBox Wife, is hosting this meme.

The way it works is this: you list ten things that are a blessing to you today, already. No matter what time. (Head over to Jill's spot and read the whole post.) Click the link to X-Box Wife in this post and leave your link in the comments on her post, the Hostess with the Mostest. And be sure to read the other people's comments too!

My Ten Things Today:

1. This morning I woke up ready to face this day head on.
2. I was able to tackle some really big things in my life before it got too busy today.
3. I realize today that I WANT- truly want - what the Lord has for me.
4. I realized this morning that love doesn't have to look any one way to be right. It just has to be real and rooted in the Lord.
5. Today I got a sweet good morning i/m from a sweet friend.
6. I gave myself license to just RELAX and be...
7. I got a chocolate twist and chocolate milk for breakfast! Yum!
8. I managed to uncover my inner 'ride-or-die' chick!
9. Today I found my voice. ( to sing, to speak, to pray)
10. I have warm, comfy clothes on because I can dress however I wanna, for my work. YAY, me!

This is a great me-me, Jill!

Today was sorta serious, but it won't always be that way.

For more, head over to Jill's spot. (And by the way, glad you're back girl!)

Wrestle With The Angel

The question He has not answered: God, why would you let this happen? Why would you do this to me?

The question He HAS answered: God, there must be something more than just him drawing close to You and surrendering his will to Yours. What do You want from me in all this? What are You trying to teach me? What lesson do I need to learn here?

His answer: You need to know that I AM bigger than people and their choices. You need to know My power even in the most difficult of circumstances. You need to know that I Am faithful to keep My word.

"God I'm tired. I'm hurting and I'm tired."

"Wrestle with the angel, love."

"But how? I don't understand? How do I do that?"

"Fight for your family."

"DUDE! What does that mean? Am I just slow or am I purposely not getting this?What's with all these hidden answers?"

"My answers are always direct."

"But I dont have anymore fight left in me. I'm over this. I'm done. I'm not doin this God."

"Wrestle with the angel."

...

So. We wrestled.

All day. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth we went.

'God, I can't do this. I just... I cant do this. I dont want to do this. I love you God but You've asked too much. I just ... no. Just no. I can't. .... but God, I love you. I want to serve You. I want so much to please You. I want to be able to do this. ... But this is just too much. Too much sacrifice. Too much to give up. Too much pain. I can't face this. I cant' do this. ... Everything. Everything God. I've given You everything. And now You require this too? Everything God... I want so much to honor You. My life, I want so much to live it for You... '

And so it went. Until finally all I could say was... 'I'm broken inside. I know that You're  holding the linch-pin in place and that if You pull it out, i'm gonna sink to the bottom of this pit and just lay there and die inside. Because I'm not strong enough for anymore. I don't have anymore. I am at the end of me. There is nothing left. No more fight. Nothing. God. I love you.You gotta do something because I can't do it on my own. I need You to do something in this. Because I dont wanna be in that pit. I dont want to die. I want to live, God. I am at the end of my sanity. Please don't let me fall.'

His answer: "Well done. Breakdown brings healing. No lie of satan will bear fruit in your spirit... life will overwhelm you and not death... love fails not.... you have resisted the enemy and I will give you rest ...'

So again... Yes Lord. Because at the end of the day, that's the only choice there really is. Yes is the only option. At least for me, anyway.

I'm Singing...

'Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your name.
'Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your glorious name.
'You give and take away. You give and take away.
'My heart will choose to say Lord blessed be Your name.'

Is all I hear in my head right now.

...

God You've been good to us. Thankyou Father for Your grace and Your mercy. You do give and take away and no matter what, we will bless Your name. Make us ready. Give us peace.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Can I Just Run Away?

I wanna hide out. I NEED to hide out.

Wow.

I just had this conversation I had NO BUSINESS having.

I need a time out.

Lord, please let me take a time out soon?

Now I see why I cant just vanish. I would so not respect what God's asked of me. I wouldn't even try.

I'm having this conversation KNOWING i'm wrong and KNOWING i dont even want it. I just want to not hurt.

This stupid ish is how stuff gets all  messed up even worse.

DUDE.

I need to take a step back. It has been a long time since I hurt so badly that all I want is a way to make it stop.

A very long time.

Woooow. God's grace. He just made that real.

Very real.

Ok. I'm gonna be quiet now and do some serious talking to Jesus. Cuz this.... I obviously need it.

Job & His God

I am one of those people who prays boldly. And I ask for difficult things, not really knowing what I'm asking until well after I've asked.

One day, quite a while ago, after quitting my job , I prayed something like 'Lord, if you want me to be a modern day Job, so be it. I'll do it because I love you enough to endure it.' All I was really TRYING to say was that I would endure the hardship I saw very clearly headed my way. I was certainly not really begging God to allow Satan a hand at everything BUT my life.

As it turns out, God took me literally. And with the exception of my health (well... in any severe way), He allowed access to my whole life, except... well... the living part.

I'm not exaggerating. It may not have been taken in as dramatic a way (freak accidents like houses caving in on ALL his kids and such), but literally everything I had worked so hard for I lost. And I do mean everything - except what I took when I moved back home, which amounted to a very few pieces of clothes, a couple pair of shoes, and a basket of stuffed animals.

Some would have called this my wilderness, but it hasn't been. My wilderness had happened years prior, and had really come to an end just before this current ride got wild. I left the wilderness and found my way to God's heart. And THEN He proceeded to take me on the ride of my life. It has been amazing.

When I prayed that day, in honesty, I had an idea what I was doing - what I was asking Him to allow. But I could no more have stopped myself asking than I could stop breathing...

I am a 'show me' kinda girl. I need to see. I need to experience. I want to know first hand. I'd heard so long how Scripture can live and how God is the Living Word and all that. I wanted to find out for myself. So I asked. And I continued to ask, even when the asking didn't always seem to be advantageous. And He showed me...

To say this has been a hard season is an understatement. And to say that I would do it all over again would be a bold-faced lie. Because if I had it to do again, I would ask God to PLEASE find a less painful way of coming to know Him.

Now. That being said... I wouldn't trade this season for anything. I have never experienced such a rich awareness of His presence in my life and I have never enjoyed such a deep intimacy at any other time.

In this season I have come to know God for myself. I have come to know that He speaks, if we care to listen. I have to come to understand that His ways aren't mine; nor are His time or His thoughts. In fact His ways, time and thoughts are higher than mine. Just like He said.

I have come to know that wisdom to God is truly foolishness before man. I've lived that scripture again and again.

I've come to learn to be content with little, just like I was content with much.

I've begun to accept that God isn't always to be understood, but He IS always to be obeyed.

And more than any of that, I've come to know how very deeply He loves me. I've come to see myself in a new light, because He loves me like I've never grieved His heart. And on top of all that, He's been taking me down the marvelous path of learning to love others.

Wow.

He's made me some promises. Made them pretty early in this journey. And at first I wanted Him to keep them because I obeyed. Then I wanted Him to keep them because I was tired. Then I wanted Him to keep them because He made them. Then I wanted Him to keep them RIGHT NOW. Because really. This has been a long road.

And then. Maybe a week or two or so ago, things start happening. I started seeing prayers being answered little by little. More and more each week. Then this weekend He said to me that this week would be full of blessings. I thought, yeah ok. If that's anything like it's been in the past, what You are calling a blessing will probably not feel that way.

But lo and behold, this week has been full of blessings. Started Saturday and has continued from there.

It would seem that the restoring process is starting slowly but surely...

I used to wonder why when God was speaking to people in Scripture He'd say 'the God of your fathers' and stuff like that instead of calling Himself 'your God' when He was in direct communication... WhatI have concluded is that God knows that until we go thru something that truly allows us to know Him for ourselves, He is not really our God.

I can say now that He is my God.

I can say how very loving and kind and just and faithful He is.

Even in waiting on some things to come to pass, I can say now that He IS faithful.

And now, I can also say that I want Him to keep His promises for no reason other than that others need to see Him be glorified in extravagant ways. I want to see these things come to pass because people need to know how very real He is.

How very real He's always been.

Job and His God had something special, and God was glorified in Job's testing.

And I hope that my God can say the same about what we have. I hope that He has been glorified in this season. And I KNOW that He'll be glorified in His promise keeping.

... I guess maybe it's not so bad bein' a 'show me' girl after all.

It's been well worth the pain to experience the mountaintop.

Love ya'll & I'll be back.

Ro

A Blessing In Disguise Indeed

I sat for some of my favorite kids yesterday, which always gives me a little bit of free time. Because they are still young enough to nap. So during that time, I sat down and really just started talking to God, telling Him the truth of the things in my heart and of my desires.

I had gone to bed the night before, talkin to God, trying to give Him my fears, doubts, and failures like He asked of me. Woke up still feeling like I hadn't quite finished that task, but feeling better than I had in many  many days.Got dressed to go keep the kiddos and ... there began some real transparency with me and God...

One of the things God has been saying to me since this started is that He calls me friend. But I had no idea how that tied in here. Because I have felt like what He's requiring is more Master that Friend. But He has kept calling me friend in all this. And one of my four, the second of the two that I know has my back and supports my obedience, said to me a few days ago, it's ok for you to ask God for what you want. It's fine that you're really working to be selfless and put the best interests of others ahead of your own heart and desires, but this is not meant to be one-sided. It's ok to say to God that you need to see H give back the same thing you are being and have been required to give to him. Which was so significant for me, because during our conversation God had also impressed on me to speak my heart to Him and to do it with boldness and fearlessness - which has also been the prayer of my other ride-or-die chick in all this. And never mind that God has told me the same thing since this started: "pray boldly and honestly. dont worry about perfect words. Just give Me your heart. I will do with it what I mean to be done in this situation."

FINALLY, as I talked with Debs and we prayed together, I started to get the boldness thing. Then the posts from Tuesday and Wednesday emerged and God started showing me what He was doing in ME in all this. And I started to get the honesty thing. And then the fullness of what God is REALLY asking me to do here hit me, and with it, the realization that it is perfectly fine for me to expect an awful lot more than just H's faithfulness in all this. It is perfectly fine for me to expect him to be every bit the man I've been asking God for since I first started learning what it is to obey Him and to talk with Him and make my requests known. And it doesn't make me selfish or immature or any of that - which I wouldn't have thought of others in this situation. I just have thought it of myself.... yes i know how ridiculous it is, THANKYOU VERY MUCH. =)

Because let's be honest here for a minute. God has asked me to sacrifice a SIGNIFICANT set of desires to walk in this relationship. He has asked quite a bit in many many ways. And I have done it because I love Him and because I fear Him. But I have NOT done it to be some sort of martyr for the cause. Not at all. I have not been so obedient and so faithful and so prayerful and so meek and so ... any of what I've been ... to reap only a man who manages to be faithful. I have been all those things because a) pleasing God matters to me and  b) I want God's best for my life and my children; I want the promises He makes for generations to come. Faithful is NOT enough. Because it's not what I asked and it's not what God's promised. He's promised EXCELLENCE. Anything less is unacceptable.

But up until yesterday, I had not been bold enough to say that. I had been too shaken and too rattled to speak up and hold both God and H accountable in all this. Too tired and too hurt and too unsure. But real talk, i'd rather be alone than take back a man who doesn't have the gumption to get himself together and chase the life he wants and is called to live. Because I fully intend to have mine. I fully intend to keep on runnin this race. H is more than welcome to join me. I want it more than anything else, aside from salvation for our children and intimacy with God. But that's between him and God, and I cannot force him to do not one blessed thing. I CAN however call to account what God has promised. And I CAN remind Him of the years I spent praying specifically for things in a husband and father - because I have never desired to submit myself to a man who would  not be good to me and who would not lead me spiritually.

DUH!!! This is where I get to choose!

I have some power in this! I have some authority here! I can speak God's word. I can remind Him of His promises to me. I can ask Him to remember the prayers he put on my tongue at 21 years old for a husband I had yet to even know. I can ask Him to remember the promises He's made to me over the last four years, promises He started speaking to my spirit when He told me to go back to our relationship. I do NOT have to take the position of a foreigner here. I am not supposed to abdicate my position. And that has nothing to do with H and EVERYTHING to do with God. DUUUUUUH! My position in Him, the relationship that we share, the intimacy and the friendship between us allows me to come to Him in all honesty and basically say 'Hey God! Remember me? I know we're better than this. I know You're not just gonna leave me stuck out here. I did all this on the strength of You, Your word, Your promises. So I need You to make some things happen. I need You to show up. I need You to come through.'

I DO get a say. I am not at anyone's mercy in this. I just need to remember all the stuff that God has taught me through this season and act like I know who I am in Him.

My uncle told me this the day before the floor fell from under my feet. I believe he said, 'Remember that you have been given authority in heaven, on earth, and under the earth. You need to know when to use it and how to walk in it.'

Seems that this would have been the whole point of facing myself and God on His terms... Understanding my relationship with God, really recognizing my position spiritually unlocked the door to walk in the authority He's given to me.

I sat on the sofa as the babies napped yesterday and I talked to my God.  Nothing formal. Nothing eloquent. Just honest and true. I gave Him my heart. I used the privilege of our friendship. Seriously. I said 'God, friend to friend.... I will obey as a daughter and as a slave... but friend to friend, this is what's in my heart. This is how I feel . This is what I've asked and I really expect that as a friend those things will be honored...' And I started to remind Him, as He brought it back to my heart, all of the things I prayed for specifically in a husband and a man. I gave myself permission in those moments to be genuine and true to me. Authenticity took root. And confidence in myself and my desires and God's plans for me along with it.

Lo and behold. This would be the first fruit of the blessing in disguise. Pain has given way to spiritual clarity and a better understanding of the relationshp God has allowed me to share with Him. Every ounce of newness that has been worked in me these last few years has risen to the top, and that new woman - the one who knows and loves herself, the one who expects the best and believes the best - she is awake! She's alive! Far from killing me, this is helping me to live. I'm LIVING. And it is a wonderful wonderful feeling in the midst of an uncomfortable situation. I'm truly learning to live.

And between H and I... what can I say... we're blossoming beautifully. Our friendship is so strong right now and so apparent. After I posted Tuesday and Wednesday, I felt literally in my spirit like the gap between us had been closed. And as we started talking again yesterday, it was the strangest thing... I sense the change in him. He's behaving toward me like a friend and a partner. Playful and easy. No tension and no distance. He's asking things of me that one asks their person. Take care of this for me. Check on that for me. Would you do... ? And it's not out of a sense of entitlement. It's a genuine sense of comraderie and trust between us now. No barriers and no road blocks... Even today. More of the same, but way deeper than just a friendship. I sensed our foundation, how strong and solid it is, how it's all in tact and totally established. And now, FINALLY, how our friendship is being rightly established.

My mind is blown. What satan has meant for evil God really is using for good. Far from pushing us apart, this is bringing us closer together. There is a new trust, a new respect, a sense of oneness between us....

I'm almost in tears. God is establishing us in righteousness just like I've asked. Everything that's gone before is over and done. This is a whole new thing. God is doing a whole new thing. And watching it unfold is just something beyond me.

A blessing in disguise indeed.  INDEED.

I've finally found my long lost bff. And that just makes my heart sing...

Thank you God. A blessing in disguise... I appreciate You. I dont take for granted what You're doing. I'm grateful. Beyond grateful. And thankful. And excited.Finally. I'm excited. You are keeping Your word and I am in awe of You. I dont know what's next. But I do know that what You've done so far is worthy of praise and worship an adoration. Thank you Lord that You call me friend. Thank you for my high position and for teaching me how to use it. Thank you for the collision course H and I are on, the one leading us right to the center of Your will. All I can say is thank you Lord. I love you.We are learning to love You together. Thank you for the truth; Thank you for the fire and the proving. Prepare H's spirit for what's coming and do in his heart as You desire to bring about Your will in his life and his walk with You. Pleae keep remembering me. Please keep calling me friend.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.