He Was My Hosea...

I guess I'm not done.

I'm convicted now.

I was workin up on really being self-righteous in my last post. Because I've already said that it's grace that it's not me bringing this to bear.

That's the difficulty with something like this. Neither party can typically REALLY be all that mad when u look from God's POV. Becaue if we're honest with ourselves, we've been given unmerrited grace, on at least one occassion when our conduct deserved a lot less.

He's not doing this to hurt me.

I understand that. I really truly do.

And he feels all sorts of things that he'd love to share but that he's too afraid to say for fear of me exploding on him.

And I understand that too.

Frankly though, i'm not so pissed about the situation. I'm more upset with that fact that he didn't give me a chance to have a say in the way it affects he & i...

One of my friends had a great point when I said that to her, that I was mad that he waited so long to tell me about this... 'Everyone has a breaking point.'

She's right. We all do.

And maybe it's wholly irrational to expect that he would trust me so much that he would sit me down and say 'baby i need to tell you something. I dont know what's gonna come next. I dont know if you will forgive me or be willing to work through all this, but...blah blah blah blah.'

But for real, that's what I wanted of him. Honestly. Because at this point I've accepted so many things that he just KNEW i'd never ever work beyond. Surely he had an idea he could take the risk in this one.

Or maybe that's exactly why he didn't want to take the risk. Because there has been so much and he just didn't see how there could be anymore.

Who knows. Maybe he was right at the time. Maybe a couple of months ago when all this came to light for him wasnt the right time to tell me. Because just maybe I would've exploded on him. Just maybe I would've written it all off and washed my hands. Maybe he was right...

This is all such a jumble of emotions and feelings and concepts and  things.

And spiritually it's just such a streching and a testing of my REAL commitment to Christ and to H.

On the one hand, it seems so unfair that I'm convicted in this. Because this situation really does rest with him. It really does...

But then, on the other hand, I all can hear as I type is God countering all my talk of having given up so much with how much I've gained on a personal spiritual level. And much of that is in direct relationship to our relationship.

So how can I really feel justified in my hurt? How can I really feel justified in my displeasure?

Since God has given me the amazing privilege of viewing this w/eyes beyond the natural, how can I really say that I'm over it? That I'm done and not interested in walking it out anymore? How can I say that? Because God is letting me see Him work. He's giving me that.

So how is it right for me to be all mad and what-not?

The answer is that it's probably not right. Not at all...

A few years ago, this was me. My reasons were different, but God's purpose was the same. This was me. And he was the one coming to me saying 'you're taking away half my heart.' I remember that morning. It was before church on a Sunday and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. Just didn't think we could do it. We weren't honoring God and I needed to get myself together. That I loved him but God had to be number one.

I broke his heart that day the way he broke mine a few weeks ago. And mine too.

But I did what I knew was best right then.

And he did what a man in love does. He came back.

Time and again. He came back. He fought for me. He fought ME for me.

He was patient. He was relentless. He kept coming back.

And I struggled,cuz I had some unfinished business. I had to tie those ends up. I had to know beyond a doubt that what was past really was past. I loved H. Had been in love from almost the start. But... there was that loose end. It had to be tied...

He never asked. He bore that pain and he never questioned me on the real reasons why. He simply came back.

'We're just goin thru something. We are what that is, but I'll wait for you to figure that out. I love you so much it scares me.'

He woudln't leave. That's where my heart started turning. Even as I sent him away the last time, told him I needed him to not come back not at all... Even then,  I prayed 'God, he can't come back again. If he does, I can't send him away.'

I broke both our hearts that day the way he broke mine on Monday.

I cried for days. And I'm sure he did too.

But it was in that time, during that last heartbreak that God showed me the truth of the unfinished business. That indeed, it was finished and I was free to move on from it fully.

And as He released me from that old thing, He simultaneously sent me back to H.

He had respected my wishes and he stayed away. I had to go to him this time.

He ignored me at first. The weekend of my 28th birthday. I had a leadership retreat for work that weekend and I called him right before i got to the hotel. And while I was there.

No call back. I was scared to death that just maybe he wouldn't talk to me ever again in life.

A week or so later I tried again. This time he called me back.

He heard me out. But he wasn't convinced.

We talked when I got home... It was a hard conversation. He asked me why. 'Why do you want me to come back now? You sent me away. You asked me to leave. Now all of a sudden you want me back. What's different?'  I answered... 'life isn't right without you. it's just not right. i dont feel safe. it doesnt feel whole or good. i need you. i miss you. i love you. i want you. i'm sorry. i know i hurt you. i'm sorry. Will you come see me? Can we talk about it?'

He agreed. And even in that moment, he had already made up his mind to come back. Spoke with the authority of a man speaking to his woman. But he was conflicted. Just like I am now. He was conflicted.

He showed up. We talked. Got tired and decided to lay down. Just wanted to be close. He was exhausted. Fell asleep as soon as his head found a pillow, with me layin' in his arms wide awake. Thinkin. I guess i must've stirred. Woke him and he tried so hard to be available so we could talk some more - i'm a verbal processor (duh). Told him it wasnt necessary. That we didnt need to talk it out. Just wanted to be there in that moment where I knew I was safe. All i said was 'remember when i asked you one time why u thought u were supposed to be superman for me? why u thought u were supposed to carry the weight of my world on your shoulders? you said to me because that's my job. i'm supposed to do that....' his answer... 'i remember that...'  my answer... 'i finally believe you can'...

I lay there a little bit longer but couldnt sleep. Slipped out to sit and talk with God. Didn't even know he realized why I'd do that. I had started doing it months before. Went to the living room, found my corner on the couch and prayed. Asked God to order our steps and let us do it His way this time and not our own. Went back to bed; he was awake. Asked me what was wrong, if i was ok, could i just not sleep?... told him i was fine. Asked me if i was praying. Told him yeah. Found my spot in his arms and finally fell asleep...

Still conflicted. Because he was hurt. Called him one day at work. no big deal. Just left a message @ the front desk. All it said was 'I love you'... he knew it was me. Showed up a few days later. All he said was ' I got your message where you said you love me.'

I knew in that moment that we were gonna be ok. I knew then that he wasn't conflicted anymore. And he did too. We never talked about it. It just was. Because it was right. It was us and it was right.

He didnt' know it, but he took the same risk with me then that he's asking me to take with him now... God guided me then. I have to trust that God is guiding him now.

He didnt' withdraw his heart, his love, or his affection from me then. Nor did he take his friendship. He simply held on to what his heart said was right. Love didn't fail then.

I need to trust that it wont fail now. I need to give him the same respect and the same commitment now that he gave me then. He bore his pain alone. He dealt with his hurt outside our situation and he made himself available to me, even at the risk of rejection.

He doesn't know it, but the refusal to let me go is what won me over. His persistent pursuit of me. His vulnerable tender heart is what ultimately made me say yes and go back.

And maybe it's time I tell him some of this. Maybe it's time i let him know that rather than being mad, i understand... Because really, i do understand.

He's already one up on me. In his way, he asked me to stay...

He was my Hosea first.

Now it's my turn...

Maybe I need to take a page from his book and love him relentlessly.

It worked once... it'll work this time too.

Lord,

You gave me grace and he received me back with open arms. Make the grace of my heart true. Take the pride Lord. Take the burdensome pain and let me see this the way he saw me then. Help him to remember like You're helping me to remember. Love won then. Please let it win now. Put the words that bring life on my lips, Father. Remove the wall in my heart and my spirit.Open  it up wide. Leave it open wide for him. Let him come face to face with You as I learn to love him relentlessly, even as I came face to face with You when the roles were reversed. Our love is Your love. And Your word says that what You do cannot be undone. Lord let it not be undone. Let him be won not be bold speech but by steady trust and commitment and genuine friendship.  Lord please meet me in privae. Help me to deal with me outside our situation so that when we're together it's not uneasy and it's not full of things that make genuine relationship impossible. Uncommon friendship God. We need it. And we both want it. Be our bridge. Live for him like You lived for me. Thank you for the peace of remembering. And the grace of forgiveness. I love You Lord.  Please forgive me.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Let's Just Have Some Hilarity, Shall We?

So, has anybody ever done something you were told they'd do, but didn't really expect them to follow-through with?

And then when they did it, did they do it big?

And when it happens you are so shocked, you just don't know what to do?

Yeah?

Glad I'm not alone. I'm so tickled I can barely stand it. Good grief, Project Ack-Right is availing much! Well, that and a WHOLE BUNCHA prayin.

Good grief!

byeee!
Ro

More On This Thing of Falling...

Unfettered relationship.

God gives it to us.

There are no restrictions from Him or with Him that are not of our own doing... Meaning that although we may displease Him, His forgiveness is full and immediate and infinite. There may be consequences and all, because of what we choose, but relationally, there is never a time where God withholds His love from us.

Not even when, by all rights, He should...

Which is an absolutely convicting thought for me. Since for the last couple of days I have been given wisdom that I know is of God and that I know I should not  (and apparently CANNOT ignore).

Because the thing with falling is this: falling means letting go.

And in some twisted human way, i've not been quite ready to do that.

I'd like to nurse my wounds, so to speak.  But here's the thing. I cant nurse my wounds and walk in love. The two are mutually exclusive... And the former is not God-honoring or God-pleasing.

It dawned on me a few days ago that I'm grieving. And I think that's made harder because the grief isn't one where I leave a tangible thing behind. My grief is for desires, hopes, dreams, personal expecations. And the fact that I grieved so many of those things not so long ago for such a long period of time doesn't make it any easier in this place.

But, with that being said, just like the letting go I had to do as I grieved the transition of some of my favorite people from time to eternity, I have to do that same letting go now. I have to trust God now like I trusted Him then. Even though I didnt understand why I had to lose my grandparents, I knew that God was sovereign. I knew that His Will could never be wrong and that there was never anything better. I knew, whether or not I understood, that God's way was the safest, best, wisest way there was. And I learned to live in a new normal. I learned to walk in their home and not expect to see their faces or hear their voices. I learned that life didn't stop and that it wouldn't always hurt to be without the only 'normal' I had ever really known...

Them leaving set all our lives on totally different courses. It brought pain, true enough. And challenge. But it also brought change and freedom and growth. In many many ways, it allowed us to live.

And this is the same for me. This changes everything I hoped for. I had already realigned my hopes once based on the package not fitting and the plan not being anything like my plan... I made the adjustment. Because I trusted God. It has not been the easiest road or even a desireable one in most respects. But I believed God when I chose to follow Him instead of me...

I had hoped that all the price had been paid, that the last death of my own hopes had come to pass. But this situation. It showed me different. Not only had the last death not come to pass, there was to be more than one more death in my heart as a result of what God in His Absoluteness saw fit to allow. There have been things that I held dear, values and such, that have been shattered in this. I had gotten over not having any real 'firsts' ... but I longed for and looked forward to the 'next times' being ours... And that isnt how it's workin'.  The things that most women look forward to in relationships, the times where it legitimately gets to be all yours and it's not selfish to want those moments... for me, for us, that's not what it is. It will be more sacrifice and more crucifixtion and more hurt. The moments that really are reserved as 'ours' now become some sort of faith statement, as opposed to the times to be shared and enjoyed by the people who love us and who we love the most.

The life that was to be lived relatively unfettered by anymore of either of our pasts.. Well.. that's not happenin. It is now fettered. And that's a grief for me. Because the sort of ties that H brings, I dont bring. The sort of history. It's not my history. And it brings questions to me... All the things that are firsts for me, that are NOT firsts for him... will he be excited with me or will he think my excitement foolish? The thing I want most in the world, will he not want that because well he's been there and done that... three times over?

Everything's changed. Everything's somethin I had not prepared for and dont want to prepare for now. Everything is different.

Everything I had finally allowed myself to hope for and look toward as reward for letting so much die so long ago has become something more or less than I desired. And of all that I feel, that's the part that hurts the worst.

Those desires and hopes are the reasons I dont want to fall. Because falling means letting go of the last of the things I have held dear.

And if i fall... if i let go... I have to accept the changes and challenges and growth this is meant to bring. And I have to be willing to walk in unfettered relationship with H - even though his choices leave us unable to live our life without the fetters of some far-reaching consequences.

Quite frankly, the side of me that is oh-so-human has no interest in making such a sacrifice. Or risking a new journey down a harder road than the one we've walked so far....

I'm grieving because the Father is requiring me to allow the last of what I hold in my heart to die.

But I want to heal, so the new normal that death brings needs to be allowed to live.

I want us to survive, and more than that I want us to thrive. So the fetters... I need to see them as opportunity and beauty instead of constant reminders of his betrayal, dishonesty, and disrespect.

and I know that I have a choice. But I really dont. I chose long ago to follow the Lord. I chose long ago to love Him with my life. So. I'm choosing to let my self die. Because other things need desperately to be allowed to live.

That being said, it's time to let my grief rest. It's time to fall and love. It's time to take the risk and accept the consequences. It's time to find the blessing in the hurricane and to allow my man to emerge as a MAN in my sight. It really is time to open the door back and welcome him to find his way in.

New normal or not, consequences or not, shaky legs or not... this can be a blessing if I let it.

And I want to let it.

Lord,

I'm willing to fall. I just need You to renew my heart and my mind. I need You to transform my thoughts and make them Yours. And God, I need to see You do the same in H. I need to see his love for me live and breathe and prevail. I need to see him walk in courage and wrestle with You like Jacob instead of continuing to take the easy road and sacrificing my heart in the process.  I need to see him fight, Lord. I'm fighting with everything in me to stand and trust. I need to see him pick up his bed and walk. He wants healing. He wants more. But he lays like an invalid on a stretcher and waits for someone to carry him to his blessing. Father I'm begging You. Command him to pick up his bed and walk. You say he will answer You as you call his name. Lord, call his name. You say i need to see us live as much as him. Lord show me. Let me see. PROVE IT. Let me see him get up and walk. Let me see him be more than anybody - including me - has ever given him credit for being. I know that I cant bargain with You; I dont want to bargain... Friend to friend... You've asked me to give up every desire of my heart and to allow the start of our future to be a statement of faith. I'm giving You that. I'm surrendering. Because I trust You. And I'm asking You to require him to do the same. Require him to make a statement of faith by leaving what everybody else thinks is a marvelous life because You've spoken to him that his life is with me. God, You have asked a tremendous price of me. And I've paid it. Love has led me to pay it. I need to see him sacrifice. I need to see him work. I need to see him take the risk of maturity that is necessary if he is ever to experience full life with You - and with me. And if he will not be this man, I am asking You, begging You, to release me from him and from us. Heal my heart dear Lord. Heal my pain. Lay my grief to rest. Allow me to fall. And allow him to fall with me.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Ten Things - And I Need This Today

With no ado:

1. Thanks Lord for Worship. You give me that when I have nothing else.
2. Thanks for Music. If I did not have music, much of the time I would probably not have the words to pray.
3. Faithfulness. You alone are God and that is enough.
4. Your Patience. Because having me for a daughter is, I'm sure, a very trying thing.
5. Peace. You do wonders in this area for a very high-strung person.
6. Gentleness. So many times I deserve harsh correction. Most often I do not receive it.
7. Favor. You have always given me so much in relation to situations and outcomes. I'm grateful.
8. Passion. It makes me chase You harder.
9. A heart to know You well. It allows me to discern more clearly than I would ever have been able to do otherwise
10. Who You are. 'I AM that I AM.' And that is enough for me.

Go visit Jill and have some linky fun with us, k?

Ro

My Relationship With Christ

Lest anybody think that I am a saint, I figure maybe I should just share openly that I am such a sinner...

I talk so openly about my walk with the Lord because He has done such a life-changing work in me these last few years.

I know that a lot of people get the impression that me and God have some sort of unique closeness and that it can be a little off-putting, but really... well... we're just really good friends. There's nothing so different about my relationship with the Lord than about my relationship with my best friend - except that He's perfect. He and I talk and just really spend time together. That's all.

The question I'm most frequently asked is how to hear the Lord. How do you discern His voice? How do you know you're hearing Him and not you? And honestly, all I can tell you is: get to know Him. The best way to learn to hear Him is to get to know Him.

I can't pinpoint anytime where I finally just started hearing Him. I can mention the first time I remember hearing Him, but I'm sure I heard before and I just didn't count it as the Lord's voice. I have always been sensitive spiritually. Just the heart He's given me. And unknowingly, my grandmother cultivated that recognition in me. The Lord called me as a child. I've always been different, not quite with the crowd but much more a leader and recognized that I cared to be (or to acknowledge). People seem to be drawn to me and I seem to just naturally be able to meet some need in/for them. As I've matured, I understand that the Lord is the one meeting the need; He's just using me.

If anything makes my relationship with Abba unique, it is simply that I seek Him. Fully. I have experienced enough of doing it my own way to know that it's a waste of my time and an invitation for destruction internally. When I finally got that, I started just talking to Him, trusting Him to hear me. And one day, He started talking back. But not until I was really ready to start getting to know Him. And then, He started talking consistently - at first through others mostly, then more and more to me directly. The more I sought, the more He spoke. Jeremiah 29:13 lived for me. Still does.

I'm all or none, so committing to Him was just that. A full-fledged all of myself commitment. And then He started changing me. And because I'm a practical learner, for me, He has been a practical teacher. He gives a direction. I follow it. Once I obey, He shows me how it all lines up. If it doesn't sound right, I ask Him to confirm it. And He does. And then I obey.

Just like a rebellious kid, I have those times when I'm not feeling it. And I act like the kid I am. I talk back, I question, I fight and try to avoid - but my heart belongs to Him and He always waits me out and draws me back. He reminds me of the emptiness of my own way and the futileness of fighting His Will.

I've learned that He's sovereign. I've learned that He's smarter than me and wiser, too. And I know that He loves me. So I made the choice to answer His call and let Him do His thing. Once I started running TO Him instead of FROM Him, He started revealing Himself in all kinds of ways. He truly became my passion and my life. He became my Father, my Master, and my Friend. When I gave myself to Him, He met me where I was.

He started talking and He hasn't stopped. And all I really did for that to happen was to start listening.

So I guess my advice to anybody who would ask me how to hear God more clearly is simple: LISTEN.

At This Moment

I just wanna be in his arms... at this moment.... i just want to rest there and know that it's safe...

I'm just ready to be done with this road. Ready to be finished and free of this part of the journey at least...

And that's all I got for the day... that's really all...

Counting The Cost

All morning long, me and the Voice... knowing there's something that I need to be working thru... But not wanting to. And it's making me not want to be near people...

'God. I'm trying. I'm really trying to be here and present. Really I am. And I know that I've taken him down this same road and all, but when I did this, it wasn't because of... I wasn't.... not then anyway... and I certainly didn't... '

"So because your sin was hidden, that makes it different?'

"God I'm not saying that... and I know I needed to be sure of some things too, but I didn't do it like this... I'm just sayin'... how checked in can I be when I can't trust that the earth isn't gonna shatter again. I'm trying, I promise... I just... I'm strugglin' to get there because I feel like.... and .... "

"So because the things you did weren't made known to him at the time, the reason you pulled away, his hurt then was less than your hurt now?"

"So not fair God.... Even with that, even if he knew, it's not just this... and my reasons for checkin out then, the reasons for my distance... if ...."

"Have you considered that he may have had similar reason?"

At which point, I just stopped talking. Because that still, small voice was relentless and I was losing. And this was just today. Mid-day, when I finally let myself settle down enough to really connect.

And irony of all irony? Mid... whatever this was... he calls me for some randomness... and wants to take a long lunch... to hang out... was planning to just duck outta work and come get me so that i could go with him to take care of some business.

.... is all I have to say about that....

And that voice again.... 'it is not what it appears. you do not have all the details. he wants you to see him stand up. he's being a husband. he's making an effort. he wants you to see him take ownership of his choices and do the work of rectifiying them.'

At that point, i really was just done.

I'll just be honest. At the heart of it is this: i just dont wanna do this.

How bout that.

I know he's trying. I see the effort. I recognize the work and the chance he's taking by opening himself up to my rejection. Really I do. But. Um.You know... well.. when I'm alone and can sit and think. I just dont want to.

But then i hear his voice or see his face and at least for that stretch of time, i think that mabye i'm getting over this. That just maybe I DO want to...

Except for that pesky desire to run away.

Yeah. It's still here.

What I realized sometime during this day is that what I feel has so little to do with H. This situation was just the fastest way to highlight what's really happenin' in me.

The real unmitigated truth is that I want to be carefree.

I dont want the responsibility of a husband and children. I knew up front that I was walking into a ready-made family. And I didn't expect it to change -obviously. In fact, I fully expected it to become a greater responsibility... And I was ok with that... Until now.

I don't want the weight of what God has called me to as a woman, nor do I want the weight of what He's called me to as a the other 1/2 of this couple. I don't know all the details, but I know enough to know that the responsibility is huge.

And I just dont' want it.

And I felt this way even before H was on the scene. Which is why I consulted God in the following way: "God, I wnt to do xyz. This looks good to me. Is this ok?", and then withouth waiting for an answer proceeded to do what MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT, because afterall... It looked perfect!

I wont even lie and say I didnt' know. I knew. In my spirit, I knew. I just didn't know what was gonna happen if I took the risk of surrendering. So I didn't. And I didn't rest not one day during that period of time between defiance and God yankin' my chain. Not one day.

Which, in and of itself, should be reason enough now to not flatly defy God. Because this time, I know. I know full well. I wasnt' quite able to count the costs the first time I said no. But this time... I can count it. I AM counting it. Which is exactly why all I wanna say is NO.

Had the last four years of seriously encountering God not happened, I might feel differently. But that first yes has cost so freakin much, on so many levels... I just don't know that knowing what I know now, I can give this one a yes. The individual pieces of this next season? Maybe.But as a whole. I'm not sure about that.

I think i said in my post from the other day that I don't want the freedom to choose right now, because I truly don't know what my choice will be. I'd love to be the 'Godly' woman so many people think I am and say without a doubt that I'm in it 100% as God reveals more and more to me.... but I can't. Because I just genuinely don't know if I want to give up anymore of me to this process of sanctification in my spirit.

Better than anybody - no matter what people have said or what they think and no matter what judgements have been made on my life - better than anybody else, i KNOW what this has cost me. I KNOW on every level how difficult and how frightening and draining and humiliating and unending all this has been for me. I KNOW. And because I know, I don't know that I'm willing to say 'ok God. Even in light of the pain of this current process, I'm gonna say yes and sign on for the extended ride on the surrender train.' I just am not sure I can do that and mean it.

I'm only 32 and I feel far older. Which is exactly how I felt when God asked me at 25 to stop doing my own thing and let Him work. I wanted so much to just be able to be a normal 20-something and not have to be the responsible one or the wise one or the one everybody looks to for everything. I just wanted for once in my life to be carefree...

At 32, I'm mature enough to know that at this point in life, carefree looks a LOT different than it did at 25. For sure. But I also know that what God is doing in me is not common - which is something I DIDN'T know before. Not at all.

I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I dunno about continuing it either.

After all this. Right now what I see plainly is the COST of this next season. The things I've been praying over my children - the ones who are here already and the ones who are not. The things I've prayed over H. The things I've prayed for me.

I SEE the result of my praying in my life and in H. I know in a way that H doesn't just how much prayer has to do with how hard life has been for him. Do I regret it? Nope. Do I wanna commit to doing this with him or a lifetime? Not sure about that one. 

 Do I know it's good for my kids for me to give them to God that way? Yep. Do I WANT to give them to God this way? In my heart of hearts, yes... But do I want them to pay the price we're paying? Nope.

In His word, God says to count the cost and then take up our crosses and follow Him.

Well... I'm counting... and hopefully I'll be following too...

but... i just dont know about this...  I just really dont know...

1 Corinthians 13

I was not going to participate today, because I'm not really all that excited some things right now.

But as I've sat here, I realize that I have something to be thankful for. I might be sulking right now spiritually but the fact is that He loves me. In my mad moment yesterday, He proved that He is 1Corinthians13. He loves me. Imperfect, unsure, struggling me. He loves me.

I'm thankful.

Because I need that.

Go check out Iris.

The Next Phase - Embracing The Kid

I found myself praying last night, asking God to open my heart to this new little boy.

I've prayed for him before; I've prayed that I'd be able to love him and that I'd accept him as my own. I've prayed that I wouldn't look at him and always be angry, hurt, or resentful toward him for a circumstance that isn't even remotely his fault. And I really meant it...

But now it's different.

Maybe it's because my hurt isn't quite so raw and what was complete fury has dulled down into an occassional wave of sheer irritation (and anger). Maybe the fact that I'm not quite so raw emotionally is allowing me to really 'feel' the challenge of asking God to help me love this kid like he's my kid.

As I prayed last night, I felt the resistance that wants to take root and that wants me to NOT pray for this son or his life.... I gotta be honest about that... i didn't really think it would be so tough, loving this kid. I mean.. It's who I am inside. Kids is my thing. Loving them is easy. It's what I do, what I've always done...

But this time... I cant say that my natural bent toward children is enough. I cant even fake it. I dont want this baby to be part of my family. Not that I'm not sure he's a lovely kid. Not that I'm not positive he'd be easy to love and that I'd eat him up under different circumstances. I get all that and I'm sure that if he had been on the scene like the other two (the youngest of which turns 9 today!!!), I'd be as in love with him as I am with them.

But that's not real life. And that's not how it went down. So....

That leaves me to pray real hard and beg God to do something in me so that this baby never feels the sting of my pain. I dont want that for him. I dont want it for his daddy. I dont want it for his brothers or myself. I dont want to treat him badly - or even indifferently. Like it or not, baby boy is now part of my life and my future...

(LOL, I'm sitting here typing, listening to Donnie McClurkin. And the only thought I had as I typed that last line is: 'WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS?!' That's a mess! )

His daddy is looking for the way to fix it. I saw it the other night. Things were different. He was different. Trying to feel it out to see just how open the door is and just how much of this I've told other people. Bless his heart; if only he understood God has been on his side the whole time in all this. Because, save for the few women that I trust the most, noone knows exactly what's happening with us. Not a soul. I've maintained that privacy because I knew in my heart we weren't done and hadn't really made a final choice.... Guess it's a good thing...

But now, now that he's wanting to fix it... that means I need to start the work of accepting and embracing. The Lord spoke to me months ago to 'leave room in my heart for C'... my thought was, he's a kid. a baby. why would it be THAT hard? ... yeah....

The Lord has also reassured me that I will be able to love him, that I will love him as my own son and that I wont always see his daddy's betrayal and his mother's.... all that I see her as.... Again, my bottom-line thought was 'push come to shove, one look and a few minutes - one hint of toddler sweetness - and i'll be a goner. Because well. He's a kid. And if he's as loveable as his brother was at that age, it'll be instant.' ... but... maybe not.

This apparently is gonna take some work on my part - and some work IN me on God's part.

I've never believed that relationships can't recover from infidelity. I've never believed that that one thing should necessarily be a deal-breaker. And I've always believed that if there were a child as a result and a couple had a fighting chance of making it, the child had to be embraced not just as the betrayer's kid, but as THEIR kid.

I still believe that. Even more so now. For a couple reasons: 1)No kid should be deprived of a parent intentionally. It's not the baby's fault that whichever of his parents didn't choose to honor their relationship and grown ups should never make a kid pay the price for their failuers. 2) I don't believe any real healing takes place if you DON'T accept the kid. It's not healthy to live in that land of make believe. Outta sight, outta mind is not always a true thing. And emotionally it just allows you to stay broken inside.

Not to mention the fact that I'd have no respect for him at all if he didn't care for his son. ESPECIALLY since he already has one kid w/this chick. It would be the height of triflin' to be a father to one and ignore the other, just for the sake of peace with me. And it would be the height of triflin' on my part to be ok with such a foolish way of dealing with a LIFE - an innocent one at that.

All that said, it's either embrace baby boy or be triflin' by my own standard.

My struggle is not so much him. It's what his presence represents. I'm really having to ask God to allow me to see him as a blessing and as a gift. Because he really, in a lot of ways, does represent beauty from ashes. But a constant reminder of a period in our relationship where there was a constant, calculated betrayal... he also is representative of that.

Not to mention that I now have to put up with five EXTRA years of his mama's concentrated presence in my life.

*rollin my eyes*

I'm not even gonna lie. I'm nowhere NEAR ready to be all holy on this one. The best I got right now is that I'm asking God to work it out so that I can make my peace with this part of this road, cuz well... Just let me keep it real. H is forgiven for the lack of integrity and the total betrayal of all this. For lots of reasons, it was expected, and for even more reasons, it probably NEEDED to happen. I can accept that.  But this baby... well... i dunno just how forgiven he is for that just yet...

One thing's for sure. God's gonna have to remove the pain of all this pretty completely for me to be able to look at this kid on a regular and see anything but ... grown-up mess...

For crying out loud, where is that Love Dare book? That lesson on forgiveness, I think I need to revisit. *geez*. Matter of fact, I think I might need to print it, frame it, and put it up on my wall. Cuz apparently, I'm gonna need a reminder, for a minute. A good, LONG minute.

Lord, You've done all the rest. I'm trusting You to do this too....

It Has To Matter...

there are so many ways this post could start. But the truth is, there are so many thoughts in my head, there is no telling what will actually end up on this page by the time I'm done typing.

Friday night was ... akward ... and incredibly difficult. But now, I can most vividly recall only two things: how he looked as he was leaving and how he kissed me goodnight.

And all I can think about is that there is so much of our communication that is unspoken... how, whether or not we speak what we feel, we run the risk of being misunderstood... how there is no perfect way to communicate; but how there are some things we can't fake. There are some feelings we can't hide or supress or resist. Love, fear, doubt, pain, desire, weariness. In the most intimte of relationships, there are just some feelings you can't hide or fake or resist. They just spill out. Beause some bonds won't let them stay locked away...

I think that sometimes maybe what we DON'T say is more important than what we DO say. Sometimes it has to matter more the things that are strong enough to tether us together, rather than the things that are uncomfortable enough to tear us apart.

Sometimes... Sometimes we need to not talk.

Sometimes we need to recognize and behave with the clear knowledge and intimate wisdom to know that the words in our heads and hearts need not always make it past our lips. Because sometimes, those words cant be taken back and the damage cant be undone.

Sometimes the intangibles are the only things that matter.

The expression on his face... it needs to matter to me... the way he kissed me good night... it needs to matter to me.

They've gotta matter - or we are not gonna survive.

And when the fog is clear, in the moments after the hurricane... I want us to survive.

I genuinely want us to survive.

I look foolish. That's a given right now. That I'm not speaking my  mind to him on some really deep, in your face, you need to know how I feel, this is your fault kinda way - although it would probably be extremely theraputic for me - also looks foolish. I"m clear on that... but I guess that at this stage in the game, it's par for the course.

But more than looking foolish, in my spirit I believe that holding my tongue in this place is probably the wisest thing I can do, and the greatest grace I can extend. Because really. There is no need for me to rub salt in the wound... not his and not mine. It just doesn't serve any purpose...

God has recently challenged me to assign responsiblity for this challenge properly so that I can begin to feel some measure of compassion toward Beloved... And Im coming to realize that the only way that's gonna happen is if i allow the intangibles to matter more than his failure to articulate the words I'd like to hear at this point.

So... I'm gonna let them matter. I'm gonna let my guard down and love him to the best of my ability. The intangibles matter. As of right now. They matter.  His love for me matters. His pain matters. His need of grace and security... those things matter. His need to be desired by me, it matters. His need to know that he can come back. It matters.

God, I"m letting it matter. Allow me to feel compassion. Allow me the grace to extend grace. Give us another chance to get Friday right. This is the place in our relationship where he's always been better at it than me. Better at taking the risk when it really matters. Something in him just comes alive. He's a fighter and I love that about him. He's passionate and bullheaded and determined when he wants something. He goes for it and it doesnt matter the cost. And that's not always a bad thing. Not when it comes to love. I want to be that way right now. I want to give him that same fight. As much as Friday hurt, he at least took the risk. I missed the mark. And I'm sorry. Please give me a chance to just take the risk. Please break down the wall around my desire for him and my willingness to let him in beyond just the surface. Let our friendship and our love live.  Lord let there be a crazy syncronicity between the two. And let it override every thing that wants to see us fail. Restore what we've lost God. Allow us to forget how we've failed eachother and to remember the things that really matter. Help me be brave enough to walk this new road. Help me to trust myself enough to forgive and to trust him enough to respect the forgiveness he receives. I choose You. Give me the grace to be the woman You are requiring right now. I love you Lord and I choose You. Amen.

Worth Noting

A friend posted this on my f/b wall. I find it extremely comforting to me... because God has been telling me to wrestle with the angel thru this whole thing. Her words are so on time... Just had to post here to re-read.. because I think it's definitely worth remembering...

"Those who trust God are those whose faith permits them to risk wrestling with Him over the deepest questions of life. Good hearts are captured in a divine wrestling match; fearful, doubting hearts st...ay clear of the mat. The commitment to wrestle will be honored by a God who will not only break but bless. Jacob's commitment to wrestle with God resulted in the wounding of his thigh. He would never again walk without a limp. But the freedom in his heart was worth the price of his shattered limb."

Dan Allender

Sweet... Really Really Sweet

Yesterday.... well... I dont even know if I have all the words. Church was as powerful as I hoped it would be - more so actually. I NEEDED a worship experience. And that's exactly what God gave, times 2. He spoke to me during that time in a way I haven't experienced in months. His Spirit led me to words and passages of scripture that I had been given before and took me beyond them to reveal a new place in our situation in light of the fuller understanding. He addressed prayers in those passages that nobody has ever known I've prayed. And He gave me confidence in where things stand now and what my responsibility is toward things.

Finally. I know that I'm free to just go with the flow and relax. I have felt this feeling only one other time before. And it was after a lengthy battle in a friendship. I woke up one morning and I just knew by the atmosphere and in my spirit that I had been given victory and that all I had to do from that day was walk out the revelation... I just needed to live and all the rest would come. No more crazy praying and that place of intense battle. God had answered and all that was left was the spiritual making its way to the natural.

Between Saturday rehearsal and Sunday worship (and not to mention the sermon - because THAT was taken from a story in scripture that a friend had shared with me that God had revealed to her a few days ago for H... can i just say WOW?!)... anyway, between those two events, the feeling above is EXACTLY how i feel now.

It took a minute to sink in, though... Me and H had made plans to spend the afternoon together and well... I wasn't so keen on it - not because I didnt want to see him, but because part of me (ok, lemme tell the truth, NONE OF ME) sees the wisdom in making myself so available to him, seeing as how in my mind that is me telling him it's ok to straddle the fence and do this back and forth thing... Natural feeling, right? Well, I verbalized it to God and for the first time in a while, what He spoke to me wasn't something that soothed me. It was something that held me accountable to the fact that I'm not God so I can't possibly know best..

"I haven't asked you to understand My way. It doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense to you. What matters is that I've said it's best. All you need to know at this point is that My way is always right. Your only responsibility here is to obey."

That pretty much did it for me. It meant, know your place little girl... and that is exactly what I figured I needed to do.

So I did.

And we had a great time.

And the things that God had shared with me about how that time would be spent very plainly came to pass.

It was... sweet... really really sweet...

We're being given something very new and it isn't lost on me that we BOTH are resting in and on that newness between us... It's this really amazing blend of the season of relationship when  you have gotten past like, and even deep affection, to the place where you know you truly are experiencing love for one another combined with the security and the comfort, in many ways, of a relationship that has been seasoned and where first love has turned into something abiding and strong and spirit-deep between you...

Nothing short of amazing. Seriously.

I left him yesterday saying , Lord I want to want to again. Please make me want to again.

It would seem that restoration is starting - in both his heart and mine.

That makes me happy inside.

Truly truly happy inside.

Before and After

I can't believe it took only TWO hours to totally, irrevocably change FIVE YEARS of growth!

I got my first relaxer at 9 and i have no clue how that felt. But at 32, it somehow feels... well... i dunno. Kinda like the rest of my life right now.... Good bad or otherwise, there's no goin back. It is a drastic change, just like everything else. And it will take work to make sure it's a positive change - just like everything else.

As I looked at my pics, the few where you see my full face, I look like a little girl w/my natual hair. With it straightened, all I see is 'woman'. And maybe that was the reason this change feels so right and so true to me right now.

I was not grown at 25. I may have been an adult. But certainly, life had not done the work it has done now. I was mature enough to do grown-up things. But there was another component of that that I just had not grasped. But God... and life has never been the same.

The last six months has sent me reeling, but it's also pulled me fully into my own as a woman.

Months ago, when I first felt the start of change, I said to God that I wasnt sure I was ready, I didn't feel ready. He said to me that one collaborative set of events would happen that would prove just how ready I am to move into this new season.

Lo and behold, between all this madness with H and my grandparents being ill and this thing of work and all that the last few months has dumped in my lap, somehow (grace), I've stood back up and I feel a confidence and a strength that I didn't know was inside me.

God told the truth. I'm ready.

And somehow that inward change ties w/the outward ones...

sooooo... so that I can have picture proof that I actually WAS natural for a few years, here we go:

BEFORE:

the only style I could do, forever! my ponytail!

ponytail from the front. i have no idea what I was smirking at.

not a great pic, but my twistout from this past weekend! my LAST twistout!

sideview of my twistout. cant tell her, but the definition was GORGEOUS!

AFTER:

first pic of my first relaxer in 5 years! (ignore the clothes and such. seriously)

Tierany did a GREAT job!

Ok. So. Now that I have my photo documentation, we can get bck to regularly scheduled blogging!

I haven't told or shown my family yet. I'm just gonna show up. My parents will jump for joy - especially my dad. He'll feel like his kid is back, in some very real way. And that's ok. Because the stuff on the inside, the things I most wanted him to embrace and accept, he has and he does. He had even made his peace with the hair. And although I didn't do this for anyone but me, I totally get how such a physical switch coupled with all the other shifting coulda thrown him off, so now maybe it wont feel like we're such strangers anymore.

And if we get that back, then that blessing alone is worth this surprisingly bittersweet way I feel inside....

Finally

I dont need 'pen to paper' to process this whole situation...

After having a conversation with my person, it sparked a conversation with my Jesus. After which I began to give in a little more to this 'yes' action.

Then today I had a conversation with another of the four that is my innermost circle, where we both concluded that I need to get over myself and get over being angry at God and H so that life can move forward, however that's supposed to look.

So. I'm throwing myself a 'BYE BYE ANGRY GIRL' party.

A little at a time. However long it takes. I'm going to face these feelings with myself. I'm going to give them to God and face them with Him. Then I'm going to give myself permission to let them go and trust God like I know I should.

I have 12 balloons. Lord knows I hope it will only take the twelve that I have. Each feeling gets its own balloon and date. I write it on the balloon and send it off to nevernever land.

I'm starting tonight. And I know it's late. But since me and H are apparently seeing eachother tonight, I need to start now...

*sigh*

BALLOON ONE: 'BYE BYE ANGRY GIRL' 4-16-10

I have a right to feel however I feel in this. But I do not have the right to allow my feelings to become self-righteous unjust anger. I've been headed that direction and that isn't acceptable. No person or circumstance gets to dictate my behavior or response to it/them. So. I have been angry and it has been justified. Now it's time to let go of the anger so that God can continue the healing process that He has already begun in me.

I have honored my feelings. I have honored my heart. It is safe to release this angry chick that has taken up residence in my body. She can leave and the real me can emerge. Because the real me is strong enough to stand up and face her life, such that it is, head-on and with God's guidance and comfort. I've worked hard not to be this person. And I dont have to accept her. So I wont.

BYE BYE ANGRY GIRL. You are no longer welcome to take up residence in my spirit.

Lord, do with this as You will. I will trust You and I will allow You to work this out.

Amen.

The Truth

I JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFE.

that is all.

<=============== ro exits stage left.

My Random Thanks for Today

Ok. I almost forgot, but I'm on it now!

1. Sunshine and sping. It makes me all happy
2. Growth - it feels like I can finally fit my shoes! :0)
3. Birthday cake - and the fact that one piece was enough.
4. The privilege of doing things for my grandparents. I get to serve my momma's parents like I served my dady's and that is precious to me.
5. Yard work! This is helping a sista's efforts to get fine.
6. Start of a new season in my own little world. It really is just a sweet little dose of greatness
7. My uncle is going into the military. I'm proud of his maturity and thankful for his confidence in the way he's choosing to live his life.
8. Kaki, our Boxer - she is just a big ball of doggie love.
9. My silly friend who has a birthday today and is pouting because I didn't wish him happy b-day at dark o'clock. HA! I know he cares. :0) (ok, so it was apparently LAST THURSDAY, but what's a few days between friends???)
10. LOL I'm thankful that today is Tuesday and I'm not rejoicing because it's one day closer to Friday. I'm feeling better in general and it's just pretty freakin' excellent!

Now. Go visit Jill and share, good people!

Thank God He's Patient

Patience.

This is not a character trait that comes naturally to me.

It is infact, a very difficult, very constant lesson in my life.

In this season of learning God in a new way, one of the things He keeps re-iterating to me is that I need to be patient, both with Him and with my favorite man.

This weekend, I failed. I was not patient. With either one. In fact, I was a brat and made some pretty *far from right* assumptions. Then I had the NERVE to want to be offended when I was called on it.

As I was walking into my office this morning, it clicked clear as a bell just how patient He is with me and all of my foolishness and finger-pointing, and 'but, Lord's...

Poor God. His head really should hurt some days after dealing with me. But He just waits. Beause He knows that He's gonna get what He wants out of me, no matter what. He's gonna have His way. So He can wait.

And what that translates as to me is this: I know His word. I know His promises to me. One of them is that I will have the desires of my heart. And since that's the case, I really can just wait. Because I know I'm gonna get what I want, no matter what. I'm gonna have it, His way. So I might as well just relax. I can wait.

I'm thankful that He's patient. Because if He responded to me like I respond to other people... I can only imagine.

Iris has more of this goodness. Pop over and visit.

Relationships & Other Things

It is now 1:17am on Sundy morning and I'm wide awake, having just hung up with Jenn. Even before we started talking, I had been thinking about her and relationships I have with other people too. I spent time reading her blog tonight and reflecting on what we've experienced together.

I did the same thing with Chu last night.

I have done the same thing with my relationships with my immediate people. Mom, Dad, Brother. I've done the reflecting thing.

And what I've come to realize is that we are tied to eachother in ways that we can't begin to understand. Oh, we think we make decisions that are good for us.We think we are the only ones who bear the consequences of some of the things we do, or don't do. But that isn't true. We are all so connected that we will ALWAYS impact eachother, no matter what choices we make.

It touches me in a way that I can't even begin to express that there is someone who loves enough to ask the Lord that they be able to love me right, better, differently, more than they already do. Because that's a lot of lovin'. That I'm so loved that the only adequated description is SISTER. For us both. Because well, anything less, just doesn't do what we have any sort of justice.

It touches me deeply that a man I only just met, sees something in me that makes him love me. He doesn't see it that way, but the way that he has championed me and required things of Chu, on my behalf - having just met me - that is love. He loves what is truly good for his cousin, and because he loves him, he also loves me.

It heals old hurts and wounds that my brother is so in love with me that he has finally learned that real love takes risks. He was willing to risk our relationship if it meant speaking up and telling me his heart for me. And although I wasn't so thrilled about some things, it does me good to know that I have a relationship with my brother that is drowned in a love and a understanding that can only exist between siblings.

It gives me confidence to know that Chu loves me so much that he's willing to learn me. Willing to step back from all the other things that come up and to step up, however clumsy it is sometimes. He loves me enough that he's willing to take the correction from another man, to protect the investment he's made in me.

My parents. They love me. Good, bad, right, wrong or indifferent. They love me. For all our disagreeing. For all the animosity. For all the walls we've got between us right now, they love me.

The one thing all these relationships have in common is that they each directly impact my life. In many ways most of them will never know. Their words, their actions, their support, their understanding, their opposition. It all leaves an indelible impression...

Soul ties... Spirit ties... We are all bound to each other. What we speak, what we do, attitudes we perpetuate. We affect each other.

'What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.'

Whether we are married, siblings, parents, children, friends, blood, or might-as-well-be-blood, we are obligated to treat the soul ties we are given with respect. We are instructed not to tear apart what the Lord sees fit to join. We have responsiblity to handle eachother lovingly and with the respect of the cross in mind.

We are called to honor each other as the body. I think that in our humanity, sometimes we manage to skew the concept of 'honoring'. For parents, honor means that their children obey. No matter what. At all costs. When what they should really be seeking is to see their children be obedient to the Holy One. For siblings, honor means that we tolerate eachother's life choices no matter what - when what we really should be doing is holding eachother accountable to reaching for God's best. For friends, honor seems to mean supporting even the most foolish of things, in the name of loyalty - when what honor should REALLY look like, is saying 'I know this is tough. I'm on your side. But what does the Lord say? I don't have an opinion. What does the Lord say?'

We have misunderstood and grossly misused the term 'honor'; We have lost sight of what 'respect' truly is.

As I consider my relationships, I can honestly say that the decisions I have made over the course of the last stretch of time have been ones that have honored those that I love. I have truly learned respect to and for those with whom I have soul ties. I have had to work hard at times to keep my focus and to really give the sort of honor to them that I believe glorifies the Lord. And I have had to regroup and repent along the way. But I have come to know that honor is the code among the Family. We just have to choose God's perspective and not our own - becuase the concepts of honor we hold vs. God's view are totally opposing perspectives.

My challenge to you is that you really consider what 'honor' and 'respect' mean to you. Then seek God on what it means in His eyes. Compare your answers. And then repent of any wrongdoing and allow Daddy to begin to change in you what doesn't reflect a heavenly perspective.

It's worth the work and the breaking. And your relationships will be better for it.

Ro

Do I Really Have to Give Them Up Too?

I've got a great circle of friends. And within that circle, there is an even smaller circle of absolute confidants. These women love me and they know me. Very well. They are the ones who can think of my name and know there's something wrong. They are the ones who can feel it when they need to call me. They are the ones who know when I say I'm ok, but I'm not really ok.

These are the women I tell my secrets. They are the ones that I run to and that I rest with and cry with and pray with when I cant do it alone. They literally are the bests of the bests. One I've had since high school, one since college, one for a couple years now and one for only about a year - maybe less (and she's one of the two that I truly know I can tell anything to.)

Except. This secret is different.

My instinct is to protect H at all costs in this. He needs it. He's asked me for it. And seriously. I'm givin' it.

My friends... they love me. They know me. They trust me. But this is a bit much for most, if not all, of them to understand or accept. They may (or may not) see God in this. But that doesnt change that I'm not made of steel and I'm in need of the love they have for me.

I was leary at first, but these women are the ones that I cant hide my heart or hurts from. And they dont get it.

I sure wish they did.

I finally told the last one today. And that was just the straw that broke the small emotional grip that I have had. I had been able to to not tell her any of it until today. But today. I had to tell her... Me and her, we've been thru some things. And our friendship has endured a lot of things. College was fun because of her friendship. We've grown differently, separately, and spiritually at a significantly different rate. But she's my girl. She knows my heart. She knows my caution. She knows my love. How hard and deep it runs when I finally give it room to breathe. She KNOWS.

And today, she wants to protect me. She wants to beat him down. And she wants me to run far far away. And it's only natural that I do just that.

But I can't. Two nights before this happened, God told me thru someone 'do what's right, not what's natural.' What's right is to love him. What's natural is to leave him to himself.

Enough said.

I had to tell my friend that I'm not walking away, not now and not unless God shows me something different.

And I had to realize that maybe in this I've lost some respect in her sight. Maybe, just maybe, I'm sacrificing her confidence in my judgment...

This coming on the heels of yesterday. Where there was a conversation with my girl from high school. Where she gave me her honest heartfelt, not meant to be hurtful opinion. Not 'so much about him' but 'about the situation'. Well. Since him and the situation can't be separated at this point, that really was a not really believeable attempt at making it gentler to rebuke me. And I found myself at a loss for words. All I could say for the life of me is 'i appreciate that'. Meaning, I appreciate the concern. But then I had to share more. Then I had to reveal my heart more. Then I had to give a little more insight. And hope against hope that she doesn't write me off as a foolish woman.

"God is not the author of chaos. If it's right it should be smooth. I know you know this waaaaay way way way deep down. I just think you're having a hard time letting go and I'm not sure why."

Now. I know that wasn't meant to hurt me. It was meant to give me pause. But it felt like a very cold dose of water in the face. Because she knows me. She should know me. I dont give my heart easily, freely, or foolishly. I am not now, nor have I ever been a fan of unnecessary emotional pain. I think waaaay too far ahead to purposely set myself up to get hurt. She should know these things. She should know that if I'm doing this, then it is not without consideration or guidance.

But apparently not. And that makes me sad. Because, at the end of the day, when this is all said and done, can I really hold her so close without wondering for the rest of forever how she really feels about me and my H? Does this mean we lose the relationship ultimately, because she can't see God at work in this - because God hasn't called her to know Him in this particular way & situation?

The other two. I know they love me. We've known eachother for a lot shorter time but they know me best. They understand my relationship with God a little better. One is walking a very similar road, so she has a real good idea what 'stay' really truly looks like - even when everything and everybody says go. The other. She just knows God. She loves Him. And she knows that I love Him. She knows that I'm looking for Him and seeking Him and trying with all my might to hold on to Him in the middle of something I cannot begin to explain. They might not really get it, but they definitely get me.They know that my first impulse was to be done, but that my next action was to talk to God and truly seek Him in this. They know this.

Of the four, I'm not worried that I'll lose the last two. But I am a little worried that they think i'm foolish. Because before me and God got so well acquainted, I woulda thought a woman who told me this was foolish. Not for lack of compassion. But for lack of understanding. I love them. So that frightens me and makes me sad.

God has taken me down a road that I never wanted to walk. He has asked me to do things I never wanted to do. He has made scripture live for me in ways I never imagined He would. And I see that as beautiful. Even in this, I see it and it is beautiful.

I just wish they could see it too. I just wish I could know that they dont think less of me. I just wish that I wasnt so afraid of losing the 4 women who's love I need the most in the world right now.

And if two of the four are reacting with open disapproval now, and this is the circle that knows me best, what happens when this thing has to be shown outside just the small circle? What happens in the larger circle? What happens in the family circle? Because it will have to come out eventually.

We've our whole relationship been unders this shadow of disapproval - and for some valid reasons. But God called me to stay and to trust Him. And just when things are finally settling down and some heart change is finally happening, we have this thing that can just blow that right out the water...

My prayer last night, i meant it. That this hurts, but that I'm not gonna close my heart because I fear the judgement and the rejection. I'm choosing life. And I'm choosing us.

But I still desperately desire not to have to sacrifice my circle.

 

I still in my heart of hearts, want their confidence in me and their respect.

 

And none of this is to say that they're not Godly women. They most definitely are. None of this is to say that I'm more Godly than them. I'm not certainly not. Our roads are just different. God has just called me to walk a different road. A very different one. One that's very difficult to observe and really truly understand.

 

I hope I'm not souding self-righteous. I certainly don't mean to.

 

I just wish that they got it. I wish they understood it better. I wish they could see what I see...

 

I wish this season didnt cost so damn much and I wish I didn't have to pay such a high price for the life God's promised.

 

I wish a whole lotta things, but I guess at the end of the day, all that really matters is that my ultimate desire is to honor God and serve Him with my life and my all and my best.

 

My greatest wish in life is to reflect Christ.

 

And I guess that if that means losing people's respect, then I wished for that too...

Grace Upon Grace Upon Grace.... Hopefully Not EVER Again

Today has been a day full of ... stuff ... i guess. That's the only way to describe it.

I slept but apparently I didnt rest. I've committed to facilitate something but that only makes this hurt worse. So I haven't really done what I should... Trying to be who I've awlays been w/H, but masking my pain is just really almost impossible. We managed to hold a conversation and it sound fine; but it felt all off. The under current... the fact that we are really trying to talk around an elephant the size of Texas... that face that no matter the outcome of this, we CAN'T ignore this elephant. We've gotta adress it and all the babies it has managed to make - lest we go thru all this only to end up back at square one.

This morning was a lot of talking on God's part.

This afternoon was an unshakeable fear on my part.

This evening has been a ton of sadness and very near tears. Except that I'm at my grandparents' home for a while, and so crying for no reason on their sofa is not really an option. Because that means telling them what's up. And I'm not ready to do that yet.  And I honestly wish like I hell i didn't have to do it EVER AT ALL.

My music selection has changed. And if you know me, you that's vital info. Music is like prayer for me. Preparation and warning too. I always know what's before me based on what song God gives me. Been that way for a while now....

The fact that it has changed is great. Because the one was for me to just be focused enough on God to not completely lose it in the first weeks of this. And it did that.

But the new one. Now I'm able to worship. Now I'm able to talk back to God. Before, I could only listen. But now. Now I can actually talk back. I guess that's a plus...

God seems to be answering all the questions in my heart that I'm just not brave enough to ask... i had a dream last night. One that I have had once before, except there were a few slight differences this time. But neither was reassuring. Not at all. And I knew after I read what the Holy Spirit put on my heart this morning just exactly what God was telling me.

Romans 9: 9-16

9For this is the word of promise: "(A)AT THIS TIME I WILL COME, AND SARAH SHALL HAVE A SON."

10(B)And not only this, but there was (C)Rebekah also, when she had conceived twins by one man, our father Isaac;

11for though the twins were not yet born and had not done anything good or bad, so that (D)God's purpose according to His choice would stand, not because of works but because of Him who calls,

12it was said to her, "(E)THE OLDER WILL SERVE THE YOUNGER."

13Just as it is written, "(F)JACOB I LOVED, BUT ESAU I HATED."

14(G)What shall we say then? (H)There is no injustice with God, is there? (I)May it never be!

15For He says to Moses, "(J)I WILL HAVE MERCY ON WHOM I HAVE MERCY, AND I WILL HAVE COMPASSION ON WHOM I HAVE COMPASSION."

16So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who (K)runs, but on (L)God who has mercy.

I actually read much more than this. On down to the part that talks about the promise to Hosea as well.

Suffice it to say, God answered my question. Nobody gets to unchoose what He has already chosen. And that's wonderful. Truly it is. Because there are so many people that have influence right now on H and so many voices other than God that have influenced the ridiculousness of this whole everlovin' situation that it has just really unsettled me to think that all that is gone on and I'm the Lone Ranger over here, believing God for nothing short of a miraculous change in H's mindset right now.

But still. How long am I supposed to navigate this water? If you've struggled w/a relationship-devastating thing and had to try and work thru it while putting the other person first, thereby dealing with you on your own, then you know what I mean here. I'm supposed to be all into him and all aware and sensitive and inviting and affectionate and... normal... and beyond ... right now. But every word comes out over a lump in my throat. Every laugh is a laugh designed to soothe him but to  hide my own tears. Not that the laughs aren't genuine. They are. But they are also a facade for me. Every question is thought of first to avoid asking the ones that will break the resolve in me to follow through on supporting his soul-searching right now. And the ones I really want to ask, the things I really want to say, the conversation I really want to pursue, we pretend it's not there. Because he just can't handle it right now.

It's all about his needs.

And that pisses me off. Because it's NOT all about him. Not anymore. NOT AT ALL. I'M the one who will bear this with him. I'M the one who looks like a silly thing for holding on to him AND this. As usual, I am the one who when it's all said and done cares enough and believes enough in him to take the risk and bear his shame as my own.

But that doesn't matter. Because it's still all about his needs.

But uh. Hello. What about my needs in this thing? What about those?

I know God takes care of me. I know He is all I need and all that. But the fact is, if H isn't here to meet some of those needs in moments when my heart is crying for comfort, then why the heck bother with this?! I know it's not right to feel that way. I know its selfish, in fact. Because he's hurting too. Just as badly as I am, and maybe more. 

But there's a part of me that says 'SO WHAT' to that. Because I didnt choose this. He did. I'm not asking him to accept something that's not ever gonna go away. He's asking it of me. And he would say he's not. He would say 'just do you for a while. let me do me. and we'll get back to us'. But the fact is, I dont have that luxury. And that's not what he's asking. He's asking me to understand. To let him work it out. And hoping against all hope that I dont wake up one day and realize exactly how messed up this all is and tell him I'm out.

He would be right to be hoping that way. And he'd be smart to keep on praying that that's not how this goes down.

I mean WTH?! I dont even have the freedom to be angry about this, because that's not what HE needs right now. BLAH to that.

God's grace is so covering me right now. I'm so wearing it like a veil. I'm grateful beyond words. Because the calm and the general ability to fake it with most people is outside my own reach. I feel God's strong grip on my heart. I feel His tight hold of my spirit and His great love holding me ever so close to His heart. I feel the spiritual energy around our situation and I know He's working. And I know He's allowing that only because I need it. I need it desperately...

I'm sure hoping God moves quickly to work this out; because it's becoming more and more work everyday to get up and to think but not think and to wait and do nothing but hope and pray and trust what I cant see and not fear because of the things that I know are working against us. The people & the evil.

I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm sad. I'm lonely. And I'm clinging to God for real.

Poor Hosea. He had to have been given a GREAT reward, because God ask a tremendous thing of him.

That's what I get for wanting to understand God's word differently. This is what I get for wanting His word to be alive and real and true and active in my life. This is what I get for wanting Him with a wild abandon. This is what I get for wanting to see God do wonderous things in my life.

I give up everything I desire. And in return I get to live out Hosea's story.

Maybe I am mad. But not at H. Maybe who I'm really  mad at is God. And I know that's wrong. But it's honest. Maybe I'm really mad at Him because WHY WOULD YOU ASK THIS OF ME?! After all the rest of this. And after all the sacrifice of ME for HIM why would you ask this last thing of me?

Why, God? Just... WHY?!

And maybe mad isn't even the word. Maybe hurt is the most appropriate word for this. Because I feel betrayed. And yet again I feel cheated. There are not many things between us that can be first time experiences, on either part unfortunately. But this... this was supposed to be the thing WE got to enjoy together next. Without all the extra mess. Now. Yet again. There is another something that can't be 'ours'.

Dude. I'm so over this. I just want to go hide out and sleep until God does whatever He's gonna do. Or at the least, take a page from my man's book and put his foolish words to the test and just 'do me for a while'.

Then at least maybe he'd undertstand the impact of his carelessness and his selfishness and his thoughtlessness in this thing. Maybe an object lesson would be useful to show him how off all this really is. Maybe if he had to accept on some level what he's asking me to accept, he'd see the absolute ridiculousness of it all.

Or maybe I just need to hush now. Because only a fool desires to be angry. God says that somewhere in Ecclesiastes.  And this outpour is leading me down a road to an unrighteous indignation - which is not at all what this situation needs.

I'll probably be back tomorrow. Hopefully in a much calmer state. But maybe not.

Grace upon grace upon grace.

I hope to never have to live out those words in this way with him on any level ever again in our lives.

Not ever.