The last few days, a stark realization has hit me: I am not the same woman as when this all started.
A tremendous freedom has come of this for me. I have been more my full self this last several months than at any other point in our whole relationship.
The difference is pretty astounding to me and I'm really not even sure where it's come from or why it's surfacing so clearly now. I mean, maybe it's the fact that this has forced me to really dig deep and face some things in me that I had yet to deal with. Or maybe it's that I just feel inside me that this place for us is do or die and that he needs to be able to make an informed decision as to what he wants and how that really looks - at least in regards to who I am and the way that I do business.
I've kept so much of my heart under lock and key, in large part because of insecurities that existed before him and that have been exacerbated BY him. And the things that have been so guarded have been things that are both good and bad - both things that make it easy to love me and things that make you want to pull your hair out .... even so far as the way that i USUALLY deal with conflict...
What I'm finding is that that spunky, fiesty, bold, sometimes brash chick has decided to show up again in full force. And I love it. Because she isn't obnoxious or rude or hateful or mean. She's just honest and genuine and candid and all or none. She's committed, she's dedicated, she's brave, she's sensitive, she loves hard and she, just by her general disposition, demands the same things of the people in her life.
My girls have always known this chick. My family, well... they're my fam. Who knows her better?! H? Well, he's met her on occassion. But it's been rare. Her appearances have been few...
There has been so much brokenness in me and so many shifting sands that I just haven't had the courage or the strength to take the risk - in the right way - of introducing H and my real self properly.
But now, the two are meeting face to face and it's interesting to watch the subtle changes in our relationship. The blow-out I wasn't sure we'd recover from? (We'll call it WWIII going forward)... That was his first real introduction. And it was baptism by fire. I remember sitting there thinking, 'he bought this one... he had to have seen it coming... ' but then it dawned on me that he didn't. He'd never really had reason to believe me when I said that if I was pushed hard enough and far enogh I'd come out swinging (not literally. ha!). Really. If I hadnt' been so angry at the time, that whole scene would probably have had me doubled over laughing - because his face registered shock and amazement time and time again at the things that left my mouth...
But then as we started recovering from WWIII, he was equally as astonished by the candid (and gentle), firm way I dealt with that moment between us. It wasnt another battle, but I wasn't willing to own his failure just for the sake of peace. I expected him to take responsibilty. I invited him to be loved and to rest in my heart, but i expected him to step up emotionally - if nothing else.
I remember laying next to him thinking 'does he think that fight was the end?' And I also remember thinking 'he has to know that it's gonna take more than that...' It was a wierd moment. Gratifying in a way because I knew that he finally had started to grasp that he cant take for granted that he's in control or that I'll always be meek and mild and quiet. If nothing else, this is teaching him that I am far less predictable than he's given me credit for. And also overwhelming because it allowed ME to recognize that I have a lot more power than I'VE given myself credit for. And that fact is teaching me to own what I need and be honest in what I desire from him and for us...
So much was said that night... things that I would never have said before now. And they made all the difference in the world...
And in the conversations since then, there has been this marked difference. Even in the way we interact. Transparent. Candid. Sometimes a little more intimidating than others. But we're getting there...
I've loved that part of the process so far, but the last few days I've really been thinkin' on how different I am inside - and on how it is and will show up in our relationship. I wonder if he really knows that who he left is not really who he has the option of returing to. I wonder if he realizes that in many ways that will be a great thing for him - for us - because this chick is a lot less inhibited and a lot more expressive. There's a huge benefit to the fact that I'm just not the same woman anymore.
But there's also the real concern that, well... i'm not the same woman. That woman who would let things go just to avoid the fight... she might surface sometimes, but it won't be nearly as frequent as it has been - and it won't be out of bitterness; it's simply that accountability and respect need to be alive and well between us. That person who would fight back because she refused to be mistreated... she's not gonna be there. I mean, the fight in me is alive and well. But the place it comes from has nothing now to do with refusing to be mistreated and EVERYTHING to do with wanting authenticity and unity between us. I've been a peackeeper; but this chick he's got the option of returning to, she's a peaceMAKER.
There's lots more I could say... But it all boils down to the fact that in this process I've begun to really come into my own and I have no intention or desire of going back to what we had before. I want much much more for us.
And I hope he does too, because the fact that I am not the same woman means that he cannot be the same man...
"As you change, he will change."
Those words have proven true over the last few years; let's hope they prove true in a way that blows both our minds over the next few months - cuz if ever there was a time that those words needed to live, it would be now...
