Heads or Tails

I seem to have lots of words lately. I know. It's been months since I've done any real regular posting. Apparently Im making up for lost time.

Im sitting here listening to various different songs and remembering all the reasons why they are on this particular playlist... They make me smile; the reasons are unique and they say something signifcant about the story at that moment in time.

And then I start thinkin about things. And stuff. Stuff related to things. And I wonder... I just wonder.

I suppose what I'm really trying to do is process my heart right now. But the thing is, I just dunno how to articulate all that's goin on in me or around me. Not at all. One minute I'm chillin. The next minute I'm anxious and almost overwhelmed. One moment may be all hunky-dory. But then. Somethin' happens and that happy moment passes.

It's all really strange for me. I feel pretty bi-polar right now (no offense to anyone who really IS bi-polar).

Im accustomed to being able to control my emotions... But. Not so much right now. Because I genuinely cant even anticipate them. Which is drivin' me nuts.

Although I do hafta say that I'm glad this is happening now. Not any sooner or any later. Because either of those two things would probably have landed me on the news, trynna explain why i did it. 'Mr.Officer, you dont understand. What had happened was... ' Ha! GREAT VISUAL! :D

It's not that I dont know what I know. I know the deal. I know that this is so important. I know it's gon' be fine. I know it's get through-able. (yeah i made that up)

It's just that's it's inconvenient and irksome at best.

I'm re-evaluatin', self-evaluatin', and probably just generally over-evaluatin'.

And then God talks to me and I can go one more round. But then.

We start the crazy all over again.

*sigh* how's this for processing?

ok ok. so that i can stop sounding all psycho and stuff, I'm outta here.

have a great weekend ya'll.

Ro

Why I'm Bloggin' This...

All this raw emotion...

I know this has gotta seem a really public way to deal with a really private hurt... except for the fact that this blog is probably the most private place i have in my life right now... Its the place where I can say what I will, where I can be brutally honest w/myself about my feelings and not be worried that someone is gonna find my words and peruse them like it was meant for their personal entertainment or enlightenment. Because as brutal as I am here and as honest and frank as I can be, I am not unaware that not everyone processes information my way and that not everyone - even people who love me and know me best - can take my frankness as it's usually meant...

See, the thing is this. I'm conflicted. Not as much now as I was earlire today, but still. I make no promises... My emotions are raw... as much is obvious by my posts... But even in that emotional pit, I cannot say that I want truly to hurt my H. Because no matter what we're facing, my heart for him is still protective and still wants to keep him from hurt - at the hands of anybody, and especially me. As rough as that last post was, it just needed to leave my head so that I could start working through it and accepting what's in front of us.

But in my heart of hearts, I would never utter words to him that I know would cut him to the quick, no matter how much anger resides inside. Because at the end of the day, I truly DO want this to be fine. I truly DO want to look back and see how beautifully God has worked this all out. I truly DO want the promises God's made for us and to us...

Somewhere along the line in all this, I've lost the proper respect. I've lost confidence in him and a real trust. I want those things to be re-established. With all my heart, I want them to be re-established. And so does he.

We both want this to be ok. We both want to get beyond this. And I supposed that in some circles, that would mean saying all the stuff to him in my heart. But that's not what's best for either of us right now... Beause as much as I need to process this and be able to genuinely look him in his eyes and tell him it's alright, he needs to know that he hasn't lost all respect in my sight...

I can convey lots of things to him in lots of other ways, but at the end of the day, my words matter... and I'd rather been seen as disrespectful here where it can be easily erased, than to present such an image of disrepsect and disregard for his heart and his hurt to him and add yet another hurdle for us to jump.

Truly, his hurt matters to me. As much as I'd love for it not to, it does.

But my hurt matters too, and it needs an outlet that will give me release and protect us from unacknowledged venom in my own spirit.

In all this, I know H's character. I know that his heart is being molded and shaped. I see God answering prayers I've been praying over him, us, our families for years. This situation gives way to a lot of things and serves as the start for a lot of transformation in a lot of lives & hearts - including ours. It truly will be a blessing in the end...

I'm willing to accept that...

Just bear with me as I get there.

I promise that not every post will be as harsh as that last one -hopefully that one will be the only one of it's kind... I just really need the freedom not to be anything or anybody but me right now. I need to not have to look a certain way or speak a certain way or live up to a certain standard of righteousness. Cuz I'm as human as anybody else, and for all the wisdom and insight, all the grace and strength God's given me, I'm still as susceptible to hurt and brokenness as anybody else. And right now, that's just where I am.

I expect much of myself emotionally. One of my fatal flaws.So I've decided to give myself a pass here. And just let myself be for the moment. It is what it is; when God's ready I'm guessin He'll give me something new. But for right now. It just is what it is. And I'll count it a victory that I haven't run away. Harsh words in an anonymous forum as opposed to relationship-destroying words spoken in hostility and bitterness.I'll take that, and I'm sure that given the option H would too. Cuz at the end of the day, all the matters is that when I am with him, I am what he needs me to be. It matters that I can love him. It matters that I can look at him with compassion. It matters that he can experience the part of me that is sure of God's power to fix this circumstance.It matters that I can give him the grace of not being the angry girl that showed up here today; whatever it takes to get rid of her and to allow the me that God has fashioned with such care tolive, that's what I'll do - angry posts and all. =)

I appreciate ya'll caring for us and praying. I appreciate being supported and loved. It's holding me up right now and I'm grateful.

love ya'll.

Ro

Intruders

INTRUDER... all of em. That's what they are.

I struggled at first...

'God, I cant do that. This isn't right... Not if blah blah blah blah blah...'

'Rosheeda do not give up your position. Do not allow ... blah blah blah blah blah ... to take from you what I have already given.'

Then it dawned on me. Of all the players in this game right now, I am NOT the intruder here. I  am not the one on somebody else's turf. I am not the one lieing to someone that I'm supposed to love and encouraging them to throw their lives away. I am not the one wreaking havoc. And I DO NOT have to respect those who are.

I DO NOT have to hand back what God has given to me.

Because I am not the intruder here. I'm no interloper. I'm no Jezebel. I'm no liar or thief. I'm not a deciever or a destroyer.

I am not the enemy here.

I didn't walk all up in somebody else's house to bring mess and destruction, but they have surely tried to run ALL UP IN MINE.

That being the case, I dont need to get out. THEY DO. I dont need to step aside to let them ransack my house. THEY need to back it up. ALL the way up and ALL the way outta what's mine.

I'm not wrong to stand up and take my place beside my man. I'm not wrong to protect my interests in this.

My daddy would say 'it's better to be smart than proud.'

God says 'be shrewd but innocent.'

There is a way to do this, a way to influence this thing, even while it looks like I'm just falling back.

There is a way.

And it's not dishonest or deceptive. Nor is it disrespectful to what's been asked of me.

I FINALLY get it!

"DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR POSITION. Stay put and hold your position."

Makes total sense. Because the only way I can really honor what I've been asked to give is to not give up my position. That thing that's been asked of me, that support that has been the request in all this, can only come from the fact that I am who I am to him. Nobody else can be that or fill those shoes. They might try. But at the end of the day, that's all me.

"Stay put and hold your position."

DUH!

God told me this from the start, but in light of all the rest, it feels unnatural. And it is. But it certainly is right...

Ok God. I get it now. I totally get this now.... yes Sir.

Amen.

My Profile Pic

I never made an official announcement but I have a new neice.

That sweet little thing in my pic would be my little gum-drop. Because my brother may not want his baby's name plastered all over the internet, I'll just call her GumDrop for now. She is 3 1/2 months old and just a beautiful as she can be.

Isn't she just precious, people?

CLAY... formerly known as 'Chu'

He now has a new name for blogging purposes. I don't share his real name here, because well, he doesn't know about this spot and he might not like his name all over the web when I finally share it with him.

Chu is a derivative of his name, but isn't something that rolls off my tongue easily, so I thought he needed a change.

Clay is much more fitting, for a couple of reasons:

1 - he actually is the color of sun-baked red clay dirt.
and
2- he is currently being shaped & molded. Just like clay.

So, for now, until I get another brilliant idea, Clay is his new name.

Ro

Rain

Did you know that rain represents God's Glory?

Pretty cool, huh?

Ro

Every Season - Nicole Nordeman

This is a great song. One that I have loved from the first moment I heard it several years ago.
Enjoy!

every evening sky, an invitation to trace the pattern stars
and early in july, celebration for freedom that is ours
and i notice You in childrens games
in those who watch them from the shade
every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

and even when the trees have just surendered to the harvest time
forfeiting their leaves in late september and sending us inside
still i notice You when change begins
and i am braced for colder winds
i will offer thanks for what has been and whats to come
You are autumn

and everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep
wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath
and still i notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted glass
even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

and everything thats new has bravely surfaced
teaching us to breathe
what was frozen through is newly purposed
turning all things green
so it is with You and how you make me new, with every seasons change
and so it will be, as You are recreating me
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring

Whoever Said

love doesn't hurt...

LIED.

It does. And maybe that isn't a bad thing.

Hear me out on this one.

Love is an exquisite thing. It is the greatest experience there is. But it is not perfect and does not come without it's own set of challenges.

And that is because you are talking about a relationship between two completely separate people.

Then to make matters worse, you start trynna become one and you have a never-ending process where there are bound to be some growing pains.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not cynical about love. I just think we ought to teach this thing the right way.

If love were easy or did not involve some level of pain, then 1 Corinthians 13 would not be a necessary part of Scripture.

I think I'm going to go thru that passage of scripture here until we've covered them all.

I think we'll start this week.

Ro

KESHA!!!!!

THANK YOU for being my person.

I love you and I'm really grateful God gave you to me at this point in my life. You're a wondeful gift, precious friend of mine. =)

Isaiah 43:1-21

NIV

1 But now, this is what the LORD says—

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the LORD, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

Cush [a] and Seba in your stead.

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give men in exchange for you,

and people in exchange for your life.

5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'

and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

7 everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made."

8 Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,

who have ears but are deaf.

9 All the nations gather together

and the peoples assemble.

Which of them foretold this

and proclaimed to us the former things?

Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,

so that others may hear and say, "It is true."

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,

"and my servant whom I have chosen,

so that you may know and believe me

and understand that I am he.

Before me no god was formed,

nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,

and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—

I, and not some foreign god among you.

You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he.

No one can deliver out of my hand.

When I act, who can reverse it?"

14 This is what the LORD says—

your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:

"For your sake I will send to Babylon

and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians, [b]

in the ships in which they took pride.

15 I am the LORD, your Holy One,

Israel's Creator, your King."

16 This is what the LORD says—

he who made a way through the sea,

a path through the mighty waters,

17 who drew out the chariots and horses,

the army and reinforcements together,

and they lay there, never to rise again,

extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

18 "Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.

20 The wild animals honor me,

the jackals and the owls,

because I provide water in the desert

and streams in the wasteland,

to give drink to my people, my chosen,

21 the people I formed for myself

that they may proclaim my praise.

Daring to Love

My man is just amazing.

I've watched him over the last 18 months grow in ways that I so wanted but didn't expect.

Then it felt like we took two giant steps backwards at the first of the year. And I was at my breaking point. Not speaking. Not respecting. Not cherishing. Not gracious. Not forgiving. Not much of anything God called me to be.

Just mean and mad.

And then God challenged me to learn to love His way.

I was NOT a happy camper. Not even a little bit. Because our problems? They were not due to my bad attitude. Not at all. They were due to HIS bad decisions. My attitude didn't help, but it surely didn't start it and I really felt like I had every reason to be HOT and to show it for once in our lives.

God said otherwise. He was gentle, but firm in His requirements. Absolutely unwavering. Everyting I watched was love - loving even when you are the one being hurt. Loving simnply because He says so.

Then I watched Fireproof, finally. And was ready to just gag.

And then the Lord says, do the Love Dare.

I was not thrilled, but I was willing to obey because we were falling apart and I needed a way to regain my footing. I needed to see God do somethin' in us - in me.

Day 1. Not bad. Day 2. ok. Day 3. NOT EVEN.

I was unhappy. Seriously unhappy. And the emotional dam I seem to always have went ahead and broke. And then I broke.

Day 4. ok. Day 5. Then it got tough. But this time instead of getting mad, I got to the business of praying and being obedient. And listening.

And then it dawned on me. I was not the only one hurting. Maybe the hurt he was feeling had been tied to circumstances of his own making, but the fact is that whether or not he EARNED his hurt feelings because of his behavior, my responsiblity to love him did not change.

Doesn't matter that I was good and tired. Doesn't matter that the things that he felt were negatives on my part were, in large part, a result of some things that seriously needed attention on his part.

None of that mattered.

Because love always endures. Always hopes. Never fails.

Love is not a option or a feeling I was given. It is an instruction we are ALL given. And even beyond an instruction, it is a gift. One we receive when we accept Christ - and as such, one we are called to give to eachother because He gave it to us.

How absolutely humbling.

And as I looked into my king's face that day - day 5 of the Love Dare - it was so absolutely painful to me that I had failed to give him what has been so freely given to me...

But from that day, things started to change. The Love Dare was no longer just because God said I had to; it became a willing endeavor, because I never want to be the cause of his pain in that way again. I never want him to not feel like his heart is safe with me.

I have been amazed. That small concession to actively engage has reaped gigantic rewards. Trust is real between us. Real trust. Not just trusting him to be faithful or trusting him to tell me the truth, but trusting eachother with the hard stuff. The stuff that's deep down inside that you just don't think u really want to share. But somehow you figure out you do. And we've finally gotten here.

Really beautiful.

We really have come a long way from Day 1 - he and I both. Tolday is Day 37 and I wouldn't have traded these last few weeks for anything.

The Love Dare is a good thing.

A good thing indeed.