Monday was my 33rd birthday.
I gotta admit, I was not looking forward to it. But it turned out to be pretty great - in large part because of a great friend who insisted that a birthday is something to celebrate. Between celebrating her day with her and then her making the point to make sure we celebrated my day too, it was great.
But then it got better. Because I got to spend time with my man.
Now. The first big deal is that i actually WANTED to spend the evening with him.
See, when we werer out celebrating my girl on Saturday I sent a random message saying I was out w/friends, wishing he was there and missing him. Even told him I love him.
Totally not who I am.
But I sent it. And he answered. And somehow his day worked out Monday so that he had plenty of time to talk with me ALL DAY LONG. Literally from about 9 in the morning til he left work at 8 that night. We had a really good, really lengthy, really personal conversation. No lulls, no blank spots. Easy and comfortable... like you'd think it should be anyway.
I did dinner w/Kesha and then he and I met up. Now. This is where a good day turned into something totally beyond my expectations...
In the last few months, H and I have been learning to talk and really be friends. We've been figuring eachother out in some fundamental ways and I've thought that was great. But I've still been leary of more serious convos and of ANY thing that leaves me vulnerable w/him. But this night, there was something brewing in my head and I just had to get it out. Random question, very tentative. But it was out there by then. His answer was, if i felt that way, I'd tell you. Things are good. It's good. I'm happy with it...
But that wasn't what i REALLY wanted to ask... HOWEVER. His answer was pretty straightforward so I was like... I'll leave it alone... And again. God comes with 'Don't be timid. Talk to him, Love.' So... I ventured out again... And asked the question i REALLY wanted an answer to. His answer was, yeah I do. And his expression was, why would you ask that.So i explained more fully and he said 'do you want an honest answer?'.... i was prepared to have my feelings hurt. But his answer blew my mind: Nothing's wrong. There's nothing you've done or haven't done. I'm just tired... You and I, things are good. Dont feel that way. Matter of fact, my plan tonight was... but I'm just tired...
There was more in there - as a matter of fact - that he's had this same convo w/that other one... But his response to that was that he found it amusing, because what she wants from him, in his words, he never wants with her. But that same convo w/me, his response was an immediate effort to reassure and to put away his tired to be what I needed.
Immediately God spoke to my heart "I told you it wasn't what you thought. I will not allow you to be hurt beyond what is necessary to accomplish My Will. I told you that I would not allow him to compromise you. I will not allow him to give to anyone else what is only for you."
In the beginning, I prayed many many things, one being that God wouldn't let us be compromised in any personal, too difficult for me to get over way and the other was that he would not desire ANY connection w/this other chick but that he would recognize what we have and honor it.
That his response to the SAME convo was night and day, that his desire for 'us' is alive and well but that his desire for her is non-existent, that he would extend himself beyond his own need of rest to fulfill my need of connection.. all that was proof-positive to me that God heard me and that even when I cant see it, even when i have to just trust that God is doing ... something... He's protecting me - my heart, my spirit, my confidence in this life He's calling me to. He's making it so that the desire for things outside us just doesn't exist.
I needed that. I needed to know that God was being faithful and I needed to know that H's heart is for me. I needed to know that he wasn't giving it away...
In spite of a series of lousy choices, I know beyond a doubt that his heart is mine. It's for me. It desires the beauty of us. I'm not in this alone. It's not me by myself trying to hang on and let things resolve themselves. I'm not the only one in love here...
I had been asking God the last few weeks to show me something so that I know this isn't standing still and that I'm not biding my time only to be completely broken in the end. I NEEDED to see what God had been doing...
He spoke to me last week that it was 'time to create the storm that would release H from this situation' and as I was headed home Monday night He spoke again: 'This is the start of the storm. I know you haven't understood the way I've instructed you to love H. I know it hasn't made sense. But your conduct, your love toward him draws him in because his heart can rest with you. Contention would only push him away. The more you walk in love, the more he sees clearly the difference between you and his current situation. Continue to love him and watch what I do next.'
Something was restored in my heart that night. We are making our way back to one another. It's been a long road, but finally I feel some peace that things will be ok. It was just so ... normal... so right... sitting talking, enjoying eachother's company, relaxing like we can only do with eachother. Like things are coming full circle,except better than when they fell apart.
I got home... God said to me: "I've shown you. I've shown you. You have obeyed. Now I want you to believe Me."
And finally. I am beginning to be able to make the choice to believe. I have obeyed. Because what other choice was there, really?... but now... now maybe I can truly rest in grabbing hold with both hands, holding on for dear life, and doing the hardest thing of all: BELIEVE.
Fear is falling away and doubt with it. I am able to pray again. I finally have words. And my prayers are changing to ones of acceptance on all sides of the fence and unity as we stand. I'm praying beyond the moment. I'm not asking anymore for God to fix it. I'm asking for him to help us to heal and to move forward as we deal with the aftermath. I''m confident in some way that I wasnt before....
I was talking with a friend yesterday and I shared with her that my biggest fear in this has been that I can't compete with the world. Not even a little bit. It's just not who I am. It's never been who I am. This other chick has represented everything about his old life that he misses and that I'm not and won't accept for our life. His hunger for so long has been the world and it's fruit. Because it's easier than living for Christ. And even before I started growing spiritually, my heart wasn't for those things. So needless to say, as I've grown the last few years, there has been a great divide between us and my faith has been an source of contention. So when all this happened, all I could think was 'I can't compete with that. I can't be that woman who accepts anything he chooses to do. I can't be that woman who doesn't require more than money and a warm body at night. I just cant be her. And I can't compete with the chick who's willing to let him be mediocre. That's not my heart; not my desire; not even my intetion.'
And because he seemed bent on that life and those ways, I felt hopelessly unable to stand and trust that God would prevail in this...
But Monday night... on my 33rd birthday... it finally clicked: I dont have to compete. That I am who I am and that God has put in him a heart that is hopelessly drawn to the spirit inside me is enough. God is in control. He's sovereign. Lord over all. And there is nothing we can do to change what He purposes. The very fact that I can't compete is exactly where the advantage lies. Things are simple with me. Far easier and less complicated than forever striving and forever chasing wind. Sometimes the best way to fight, the only way to fight, is just not to fight at all. Because the lack of fight lets truth reveal itself.
My way in this would only have destroyed. Nothing would've been salvaged. It would've felt better, would've been easier. But the cost would've been far too great.
God's way... It's giving life and it's transforming futures. His way is higher than mine. Better. Perfect. Right. And I am more than grateful.
I needed Monday. I NEEDED it. So desperately. I needed it.
And I'm thanking God that He was faithful and merciful enough to give it to me.
Now maybe some real healing can begin...
