I found myself praying last night, asking God to open my heart to this new little boy.
I've prayed for him before; I've prayed that I'd be able to love him and that I'd accept him as my own. I've prayed that I wouldn't look at him and always be angry, hurt, or resentful toward him for a circumstance that isn't even remotely his fault. And I really meant it...
But now it's different.
Maybe it's because my hurt isn't quite so raw and what was complete fury has dulled down into an occassional wave of sheer irritation (and anger). Maybe the fact that I'm not quite so raw emotionally is allowing me to really 'feel' the challenge of asking God to help me love this kid like he's my kid.
As I prayed last night, I felt the resistance that wants to take root and that wants me to NOT pray for this son or his life.... I gotta be honest about that... i didn't really think it would be so tough, loving this kid. I mean.. It's who I am inside. Kids is my thing. Loving them is easy. It's what I do, what I've always done...
But this time... I cant say that my natural bent toward children is enough. I cant even fake it. I dont want this baby to be part of my family. Not that I'm not sure he's a lovely kid. Not that I'm not positive he'd be easy to love and that I'd eat him up under different circumstances. I get all that and I'm sure that if he had been on the scene like the other two (the youngest of which turns 9 today!!!), I'd be as in love with him as I am with them.
But that's not real life. And that's not how it went down. So....
That leaves me to pray real hard and beg God to do something in me so that this baby never feels the sting of my pain. I dont want that for him. I dont want it for his daddy. I dont want it for his brothers or myself. I dont want to treat him badly - or even indifferently. Like it or not, baby boy is now part of my life and my future...
(LOL, I'm sitting here typing, listening to Donnie McClurkin. And the only thought I had as I typed that last line is: 'WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS?!' That's a mess! )
His daddy is looking for the way to fix it. I saw it the other night. Things were different. He was different. Trying to feel it out to see just how open the door is and just how much of this I've told other people. Bless his heart; if only he understood God has been on his side the whole time in all this. Because, save for the few women that I trust the most, noone knows exactly what's happening with us. Not a soul. I've maintained that privacy because I knew in my heart we weren't done and hadn't really made a final choice.... Guess it's a good thing...
But now, now that he's wanting to fix it... that means I need to start the work of accepting and embracing. The Lord spoke to me months ago to 'leave room in my heart for C'... my thought was, he's a kid. a baby. why would it be THAT hard? ... yeah....
The Lord has also reassured me that I will be able to love him, that I will love him as my own son and that I wont always see his daddy's betrayal and his mother's.... all that I see her as.... Again, my bottom-line thought was 'push come to shove, one look and a few minutes - one hint of toddler sweetness - and i'll be a goner. Because well. He's a kid. And if he's as loveable as his brother was at that age, it'll be instant.' ... but... maybe not.
This apparently is gonna take some work on my part - and some work IN me on God's part.
I've never believed that relationships can't recover from infidelity. I've never believed that that one thing should necessarily be a deal-breaker. And I've always believed that if there were a child as a result and a couple had a fighting chance of making it, the child had to be embraced not just as the betrayer's kid, but as THEIR kid.
I still believe that. Even more so now. For a couple reasons: 1)No kid should be deprived of a parent intentionally. It's not the baby's fault that whichever of his parents didn't choose to honor their relationship and grown ups should never make a kid pay the price for their failuers. 2) I don't believe any real healing takes place if you DON'T accept the kid. It's not healthy to live in that land of make believe. Outta sight, outta mind is not always a true thing. And emotionally it just allows you to stay broken inside.
Not to mention the fact that I'd have no respect for him at all if he didn't care for his son. ESPECIALLY since he already has one kid w/this chick. It would be the height of triflin' to be a father to one and ignore the other, just for the sake of peace with me. And it would be the height of triflin' on my part to be ok with such a foolish way of dealing with a LIFE - an innocent one at that.
All that said, it's either embrace baby boy or be triflin' by my own standard.
My struggle is not so much him. It's what his presence represents. I'm really having to ask God to allow me to see him as a blessing and as a gift. Because he really, in a lot of ways, does represent beauty from ashes. But a constant reminder of a period in our relationship where there was a constant, calculated betrayal... he also is representative of that.
Not to mention that I now have to put up with five EXTRA years of his mama's concentrated presence in my life.
*rollin my eyes*
I'm not even gonna lie. I'm nowhere NEAR ready to be all holy on this one. The best I got right now is that I'm asking God to work it out so that I can make my peace with this part of this road, cuz well... Just let me keep it real. H is forgiven for the lack of integrity and the total betrayal of all this. For lots of reasons, it was expected, and for even more reasons, it probably NEEDED to happen. I can accept that. But this baby... well... i dunno just how forgiven he is for that just yet...
One thing's for sure. God's gonna have to remove the pain of all this pretty completely for me to be able to look at this kid on a regular and see anything but ... grown-up mess...
For crying out loud, where is that Love Dare book? That lesson on forgiveness, I think I need to revisit. *geez*. Matter of fact, I think I might need to print it, frame it, and put it up on my wall. Cuz apparently, I'm gonna need a reminder, for a minute. A good, LONG minute.
Lord, You've done all the rest. I'm trusting You to do this too....
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