Counting The Cost

All morning long, me and the Voice... knowing there's something that I need to be working thru... But not wanting to. And it's making me not want to be near people...

'God. I'm trying. I'm really trying to be here and present. Really I am. And I know that I've taken him down this same road and all, but when I did this, it wasn't because of... I wasn't.... not then anyway... and I certainly didn't... '

"So because your sin was hidden, that makes it different?'

"God I'm not saying that... and I know I needed to be sure of some things too, but I didn't do it like this... I'm just sayin'... how checked in can I be when I can't trust that the earth isn't gonna shatter again. I'm trying, I promise... I just... I'm strugglin' to get there because I feel like.... and .... "

"So because the things you did weren't made known to him at the time, the reason you pulled away, his hurt then was less than your hurt now?"

"So not fair God.... Even with that, even if he knew, it's not just this... and my reasons for checkin out then, the reasons for my distance... if ...."

"Have you considered that he may have had similar reason?"

At which point, I just stopped talking. Because that still, small voice was relentless and I was losing. And this was just today. Mid-day, when I finally let myself settle down enough to really connect.

And irony of all irony? Mid... whatever this was... he calls me for some randomness... and wants to take a long lunch... to hang out... was planning to just duck outta work and come get me so that i could go with him to take care of some business.

.... is all I have to say about that....

And that voice again.... 'it is not what it appears. you do not have all the details. he wants you to see him stand up. he's being a husband. he's making an effort. he wants you to see him take ownership of his choices and do the work of rectifiying them.'

At that point, i really was just done.

I'll just be honest. At the heart of it is this: i just dont wanna do this.

How bout that.

I know he's trying. I see the effort. I recognize the work and the chance he's taking by opening himself up to my rejection. Really I do. But. Um.You know... well.. when I'm alone and can sit and think. I just dont want to.

But then i hear his voice or see his face and at least for that stretch of time, i think that mabye i'm getting over this. That just maybe I DO want to...

Except for that pesky desire to run away.

Yeah. It's still here.

What I realized sometime during this day is that what I feel has so little to do with H. This situation was just the fastest way to highlight what's really happenin' in me.

The real unmitigated truth is that I want to be carefree.

I dont want the responsibility of a husband and children. I knew up front that I was walking into a ready-made family. And I didn't expect it to change -obviously. In fact, I fully expected it to become a greater responsibility... And I was ok with that... Until now.

I don't want the weight of what God has called me to as a woman, nor do I want the weight of what He's called me to as a the other 1/2 of this couple. I don't know all the details, but I know enough to know that the responsibility is huge.

And I just dont' want it.

And I felt this way even before H was on the scene. Which is why I consulted God in the following way: "God, I wnt to do xyz. This looks good to me. Is this ok?", and then withouth waiting for an answer proceeded to do what MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT, because afterall... It looked perfect!

I wont even lie and say I didnt' know. I knew. In my spirit, I knew. I just didn't know what was gonna happen if I took the risk of surrendering. So I didn't. And I didn't rest not one day during that period of time between defiance and God yankin' my chain. Not one day.

Which, in and of itself, should be reason enough now to not flatly defy God. Because this time, I know. I know full well. I wasnt' quite able to count the costs the first time I said no. But this time... I can count it. I AM counting it. Which is exactly why all I wanna say is NO.

Had the last four years of seriously encountering God not happened, I might feel differently. But that first yes has cost so freakin much, on so many levels... I just don't know that knowing what I know now, I can give this one a yes. The individual pieces of this next season? Maybe.But as a whole. I'm not sure about that.

I think i said in my post from the other day that I don't want the freedom to choose right now, because I truly don't know what my choice will be. I'd love to be the 'Godly' woman so many people think I am and say without a doubt that I'm in it 100% as God reveals more and more to me.... but I can't. Because I just genuinely don't know if I want to give up anymore of me to this process of sanctification in my spirit.

Better than anybody - no matter what people have said or what they think and no matter what judgements have been made on my life - better than anybody else, i KNOW what this has cost me. I KNOW on every level how difficult and how frightening and draining and humiliating and unending all this has been for me. I KNOW. And because I know, I don't know that I'm willing to say 'ok God. Even in light of the pain of this current process, I'm gonna say yes and sign on for the extended ride on the surrender train.' I just am not sure I can do that and mean it.

I'm only 32 and I feel far older. Which is exactly how I felt when God asked me at 25 to stop doing my own thing and let Him work. I wanted so much to just be able to be a normal 20-something and not have to be the responsible one or the wise one or the one everybody looks to for everything. I just wanted for once in my life to be carefree...

At 32, I'm mature enough to know that at this point in life, carefree looks a LOT different than it did at 25. For sure. But I also know that what God is doing in me is not common - which is something I DIDN'T know before. Not at all.

I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I dunno about continuing it either.

After all this. Right now what I see plainly is the COST of this next season. The things I've been praying over my children - the ones who are here already and the ones who are not. The things I've prayed over H. The things I've prayed for me.

I SEE the result of my praying in my life and in H. I know in a way that H doesn't just how much prayer has to do with how hard life has been for him. Do I regret it? Nope. Do I wanna commit to doing this with him or a lifetime? Not sure about that one. 

 Do I know it's good for my kids for me to give them to God that way? Yep. Do I WANT to give them to God this way? In my heart of hearts, yes... But do I want them to pay the price we're paying? Nope.

In His word, God says to count the cost and then take up our crosses and follow Him.

Well... I'm counting... and hopefully I'll be following too...

but... i just dont know about this...  I just really dont know...