Do I Really Have to Give Them Up Too?

I've got a great circle of friends. And within that circle, there is an even smaller circle of absolute confidants. These women love me and they know me. Very well. They are the ones who can think of my name and know there's something wrong. They are the ones who can feel it when they need to call me. They are the ones who know when I say I'm ok, but I'm not really ok.

These are the women I tell my secrets. They are the ones that I run to and that I rest with and cry with and pray with when I cant do it alone. They literally are the bests of the bests. One I've had since high school, one since college, one for a couple years now and one for only about a year - maybe less (and she's one of the two that I truly know I can tell anything to.)

Except. This secret is different.

My instinct is to protect H at all costs in this. He needs it. He's asked me for it. And seriously. I'm givin' it.

My friends... they love me. They know me. They trust me. But this is a bit much for most, if not all, of them to understand or accept. They may (or may not) see God in this. But that doesnt change that I'm not made of steel and I'm in need of the love they have for me.

I was leary at first, but these women are the ones that I cant hide my heart or hurts from. And they dont get it.

I sure wish they did.

I finally told the last one today. And that was just the straw that broke the small emotional grip that I have had. I had been able to to not tell her any of it until today. But today. I had to tell her... Me and her, we've been thru some things. And our friendship has endured a lot of things. College was fun because of her friendship. We've grown differently, separately, and spiritually at a significantly different rate. But she's my girl. She knows my heart. She knows my caution. She knows my love. How hard and deep it runs when I finally give it room to breathe. She KNOWS.

And today, she wants to protect me. She wants to beat him down. And she wants me to run far far away. And it's only natural that I do just that.

But I can't. Two nights before this happened, God told me thru someone 'do what's right, not what's natural.' What's right is to love him. What's natural is to leave him to himself.

Enough said.

I had to tell my friend that I'm not walking away, not now and not unless God shows me something different.

And I had to realize that maybe in this I've lost some respect in her sight. Maybe, just maybe, I'm sacrificing her confidence in my judgment...

This coming on the heels of yesterday. Where there was a conversation with my girl from high school. Where she gave me her honest heartfelt, not meant to be hurtful opinion. Not 'so much about him' but 'about the situation'. Well. Since him and the situation can't be separated at this point, that really was a not really believeable attempt at making it gentler to rebuke me. And I found myself at a loss for words. All I could say for the life of me is 'i appreciate that'. Meaning, I appreciate the concern. But then I had to share more. Then I had to reveal my heart more. Then I had to give a little more insight. And hope against hope that she doesn't write me off as a foolish woman.

"God is not the author of chaos. If it's right it should be smooth. I know you know this waaaaay way way way deep down. I just think you're having a hard time letting go and I'm not sure why."

Now. I know that wasn't meant to hurt me. It was meant to give me pause. But it felt like a very cold dose of water in the face. Because she knows me. She should know me. I dont give my heart easily, freely, or foolishly. I am not now, nor have I ever been a fan of unnecessary emotional pain. I think waaaay too far ahead to purposely set myself up to get hurt. She should know these things. She should know that if I'm doing this, then it is not without consideration or guidance.

But apparently not. And that makes me sad. Because, at the end of the day, when this is all said and done, can I really hold her so close without wondering for the rest of forever how she really feels about me and my H? Does this mean we lose the relationship ultimately, because she can't see God at work in this - because God hasn't called her to know Him in this particular way & situation?

The other two. I know they love me. We've known eachother for a lot shorter time but they know me best. They understand my relationship with God a little better. One is walking a very similar road, so she has a real good idea what 'stay' really truly looks like - even when everything and everybody says go. The other. She just knows God. She loves Him. And she knows that I love Him. She knows that I'm looking for Him and seeking Him and trying with all my might to hold on to Him in the middle of something I cannot begin to explain. They might not really get it, but they definitely get me.They know that my first impulse was to be done, but that my next action was to talk to God and truly seek Him in this. They know this.

Of the four, I'm not worried that I'll lose the last two. But I am a little worried that they think i'm foolish. Because before me and God got so well acquainted, I woulda thought a woman who told me this was foolish. Not for lack of compassion. But for lack of understanding. I love them. So that frightens me and makes me sad.

God has taken me down a road that I never wanted to walk. He has asked me to do things I never wanted to do. He has made scripture live for me in ways I never imagined He would. And I see that as beautiful. Even in this, I see it and it is beautiful.

I just wish they could see it too. I just wish I could know that they dont think less of me. I just wish that I wasnt so afraid of losing the 4 women who's love I need the most in the world right now.

And if two of the four are reacting with open disapproval now, and this is the circle that knows me best, what happens when this thing has to be shown outside just the small circle? What happens in the larger circle? What happens in the family circle? Because it will have to come out eventually.

We've our whole relationship been unders this shadow of disapproval - and for some valid reasons. But God called me to stay and to trust Him. And just when things are finally settling down and some heart change is finally happening, we have this thing that can just blow that right out the water...

My prayer last night, i meant it. That this hurts, but that I'm not gonna close my heart because I fear the judgement and the rejection. I'm choosing life. And I'm choosing us.

But I still desperately desire not to have to sacrifice my circle.

 

I still in my heart of hearts, want their confidence in me and their respect.

 

And none of this is to say that they're not Godly women. They most definitely are. None of this is to say that I'm more Godly than them. I'm not certainly not. Our roads are just different. God has just called me to walk a different road. A very different one. One that's very difficult to observe and really truly understand.

 

I hope I'm not souding self-righteous. I certainly don't mean to.

 

I just wish that they got it. I wish they understood it better. I wish they could see what I see...

 

I wish this season didnt cost so damn much and I wish I didn't have to pay such a high price for the life God's promised.

 

I wish a whole lotta things, but I guess at the end of the day, all that really matters is that my ultimate desire is to honor God and serve Him with my life and my all and my best.

 

My greatest wish in life is to reflect Christ.

 

And I guess that if that means losing people's respect, then I wished for that too...