Today has been a day full of ... stuff ... i guess. That's the only way to describe it.
I slept but apparently I didnt rest. I've committed to facilitate something but that only makes this hurt worse. So I haven't really done what I should... Trying to be who I've awlays been w/H, but masking my pain is just really almost impossible. We managed to hold a conversation and it sound fine; but it felt all off. The under current... the fact that we are really trying to talk around an elephant the size of Texas... that face that no matter the outcome of this, we CAN'T ignore this elephant. We've gotta adress it and all the babies it has managed to make - lest we go thru all this only to end up back at square one.
This morning was a lot of talking on God's part.
This afternoon was an unshakeable fear on my part.
This evening has been a ton of sadness and very near tears. Except that I'm at my grandparents' home for a while, and so crying for no reason on their sofa is not really an option. Because that means telling them what's up. And I'm not ready to do that yet. And I honestly wish like I hell i didn't have to do it EVER AT ALL.
My music selection has changed. And if you know me, you that's vital info. Music is like prayer for me. Preparation and warning too. I always know what's before me based on what song God gives me. Been that way for a while now....
The fact that it has changed is great. Because the one was for me to just be focused enough on God to not completely lose it in the first weeks of this. And it did that.
But the new one. Now I'm able to worship. Now I'm able to talk back to God. Before, I could only listen. But now. Now I can actually talk back. I guess that's a plus...
God seems to be answering all the questions in my heart that I'm just not brave enough to ask... i had a dream last night. One that I have had once before, except there were a few slight differences this time. But neither was reassuring. Not at all. And I knew after I read what the Holy Spirit put on my heart this morning just exactly what God was telling me.
Romans 9: 9-16
9For this is the word of promise: "(A)AT THIS TIME I WILL COME, AND SARAH SHALL HAVE A SON."
10(B)And not only this, but there was (C)Rebekah also, when she had conceived twins by one man, our father Isaac;
11for though the twins were not yet born and had not done anything good or bad, so that (D)God's purpose according to His choice would stand, not because of works but because of Him who calls,
12it was said to her, "(E)THE OLDER WILL SERVE THE YOUNGER."
13Just as it is written, "(F)JACOB I LOVED, BUT ESAU I HATED."
14(G)What shall we say then? (H)There is no injustice with God, is there? (I)May it never be!
15For He says to Moses, "(J)I WILL HAVE MERCY ON WHOM I HAVE MERCY, AND I WILL HAVE COMPASSION ON WHOM I HAVE COMPASSION."
16So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who (K)runs, but on (L)God who has mercy.
I actually read much more than this. On down to the part that talks about the promise to Hosea as well.
Suffice it to say, God answered my question. Nobody gets to unchoose what He has already chosen. And that's wonderful. Truly it is. Because there are so many people that have influence right now on H and so many voices other than God that have influenced the ridiculousness of this whole everlovin' situation that it has just really unsettled me to think that all that is gone on and I'm the Lone Ranger over here, believing God for nothing short of a miraculous change in H's mindset right now.
But still. How long am I supposed to navigate this water? If you've struggled w/a relationship-devastating thing and had to try and work thru it while putting the other person first, thereby dealing with you on your own, then you know what I mean here. I'm supposed to be all into him and all aware and sensitive and inviting and affectionate and... normal... and beyond ... right now. But every word comes out over a lump in my throat. Every laugh is a laugh designed to soothe him but to hide my own tears. Not that the laughs aren't genuine. They are. But they are also a facade for me. Every question is thought of first to avoid asking the ones that will break the resolve in me to follow through on supporting his soul-searching right now. And the ones I really want to ask, the things I really want to say, the conversation I really want to pursue, we pretend it's not there. Because he just can't handle it right now.
It's all about his needs.
And that pisses me off. Because it's NOT all about him. Not anymore. NOT AT ALL. I'M the one who will bear this with him. I'M the one who looks like a silly thing for holding on to him AND this. As usual, I am the one who when it's all said and done cares enough and believes enough in him to take the risk and bear his shame as my own.
But that doesn't matter. Because it's still all about his needs.
But uh. Hello. What about my needs in this thing? What about those?
I know God takes care of me. I know He is all I need and all that. But the fact is, if H isn't here to meet some of those needs in moments when my heart is crying for comfort, then why the heck bother with this?! I know it's not right to feel that way. I know its selfish, in fact. Because he's hurting too. Just as badly as I am, and maybe more.
But there's a part of me that says 'SO WHAT' to that. Because I didnt choose this. He did. I'm not asking him to accept something that's not ever gonna go away. He's asking it of me. And he would say he's not. He would say 'just do you for a while. let me do me. and we'll get back to us'. But the fact is, I dont have that luxury. And that's not what he's asking. He's asking me to understand. To let him work it out. And hoping against all hope that I dont wake up one day and realize exactly how messed up this all is and tell him I'm out.
He would be right to be hoping that way. And he'd be smart to keep on praying that that's not how this goes down.
I mean WTH?! I dont even have the freedom to be angry about this, because that's not what HE needs right now. BLAH to that.
God's grace is so covering me right now. I'm so wearing it like a veil. I'm grateful beyond words. Because the calm and the general ability to fake it with most people is outside my own reach. I feel God's strong grip on my heart. I feel His tight hold of my spirit and His great love holding me ever so close to His heart. I feel the spiritual energy around our situation and I know He's working. And I know He's allowing that only because I need it. I need it desperately...
I'm sure hoping God moves quickly to work this out; because it's becoming more and more work everyday to get up and to think but not think and to wait and do nothing but hope and pray and trust what I cant see and not fear because of the things that I know are working against us. The people & the evil.
I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm sad. I'm lonely. And I'm clinging to God for real.
Poor Hosea. He had to have been given a GREAT reward, because God ask a tremendous thing of him.
That's what I get for wanting to understand God's word differently. This is what I get for wanting His word to be alive and real and true and active in my life. This is what I get for wanting Him with a wild abandon. This is what I get for wanting to see God do wonderous things in my life.
I give up everything I desire. And in return I get to live out Hosea's story.
Maybe I am mad. But not at H. Maybe who I'm really mad at is God. And I know that's wrong. But it's honest. Maybe I'm really mad at Him because WHY WOULD YOU ASK THIS OF ME?! After all the rest of this. And after all the sacrifice of ME for HIM why would you ask this last thing of me?
Why, God? Just... WHY?!
And maybe mad isn't even the word. Maybe hurt is the most appropriate word for this. Because I feel betrayed. And yet again I feel cheated. There are not many things between us that can be first time experiences, on either part unfortunately. But this... this was supposed to be the thing WE got to enjoy together next. Without all the extra mess. Now. Yet again. There is another something that can't be 'ours'.
Dude. I'm so over this. I just want to go hide out and sleep until God does whatever He's gonna do. Or at the least, take a page from my man's book and put his foolish words to the test and just 'do me for a while'.
Then at least maybe he'd undertstand the impact of his carelessness and his selfishness and his thoughtlessness in this thing. Maybe an object lesson would be useful to show him how off all this really is. Maybe if he had to accept on some level what he's asking me to accept, he'd see the absolute ridiculousness of it all.
Or maybe I just need to hush now. Because only a fool desires to be angry. God says that somewhere in Ecclesiastes. And this outpour is leading me down a road to an unrighteous indignation - which is not at all what this situation needs.
I'll probably be back tomorrow. Hopefully in a much calmer state. But maybe not.
Grace upon grace upon grace.
I hope to never have to live out those words in this way with him on any level ever again in our lives.
Not ever.
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