It Has To Matter...

there are so many ways this post could start. But the truth is, there are so many thoughts in my head, there is no telling what will actually end up on this page by the time I'm done typing.

Friday night was ... akward ... and incredibly difficult. But now, I can most vividly recall only two things: how he looked as he was leaving and how he kissed me goodnight.

And all I can think about is that there is so much of our communication that is unspoken... how, whether or not we speak what we feel, we run the risk of being misunderstood... how there is no perfect way to communicate; but how there are some things we can't fake. There are some feelings we can't hide or supress or resist. Love, fear, doubt, pain, desire, weariness. In the most intimte of relationships, there are just some feelings you can't hide or fake or resist. They just spill out. Beause some bonds won't let them stay locked away...

I think that sometimes maybe what we DON'T say is more important than what we DO say. Sometimes it has to matter more the things that are strong enough to tether us together, rather than the things that are uncomfortable enough to tear us apart.

Sometimes... Sometimes we need to not talk.

Sometimes we need to recognize and behave with the clear knowledge and intimate wisdom to know that the words in our heads and hearts need not always make it past our lips. Because sometimes, those words cant be taken back and the damage cant be undone.

Sometimes the intangibles are the only things that matter.

The expression on his face... it needs to matter to me... the way he kissed me good night... it needs to matter to me.

They've gotta matter - or we are not gonna survive.

And when the fog is clear, in the moments after the hurricane... I want us to survive.

I genuinely want us to survive.

I look foolish. That's a given right now. That I'm not speaking my  mind to him on some really deep, in your face, you need to know how I feel, this is your fault kinda way - although it would probably be extremely theraputic for me - also looks foolish. I"m clear on that... but I guess that at this stage in the game, it's par for the course.

But more than looking foolish, in my spirit I believe that holding my tongue in this place is probably the wisest thing I can do, and the greatest grace I can extend. Because really. There is no need for me to rub salt in the wound... not his and not mine. It just doesn't serve any purpose...

God has recently challenged me to assign responsiblity for this challenge properly so that I can begin to feel some measure of compassion toward Beloved... And Im coming to realize that the only way that's gonna happen is if i allow the intangibles to matter more than his failure to articulate the words I'd like to hear at this point.

So... I'm gonna let them matter. I'm gonna let my guard down and love him to the best of my ability. The intangibles matter. As of right now. They matter.  His love for me matters. His pain matters. His need of grace and security... those things matter. His need to be desired by me, it matters. His need to know that he can come back. It matters.

God, I"m letting it matter. Allow me to feel compassion. Allow me the grace to extend grace. Give us another chance to get Friday right. This is the place in our relationship where he's always been better at it than me. Better at taking the risk when it really matters. Something in him just comes alive. He's a fighter and I love that about him. He's passionate and bullheaded and determined when he wants something. He goes for it and it doesnt matter the cost. And that's not always a bad thing. Not when it comes to love. I want to be that way right now. I want to give him that same fight. As much as Friday hurt, he at least took the risk. I missed the mark. And I'm sorry. Please give me a chance to just take the risk. Please break down the wall around my desire for him and my willingness to let him in beyond just the surface. Let our friendship and our love live.  Lord let there be a crazy syncronicity between the two. And let it override every thing that wants to see us fail. Restore what we've lost God. Allow us to forget how we've failed eachother and to remember the things that really matter. Help me be brave enough to walk this new road. Help me to trust myself enough to forgive and to trust him enough to respect the forgiveness he receives. I choose You. Give me the grace to be the woman You are requiring right now. I love you Lord and I choose You. Amen.