Unfettered relationship.
God gives it to us.
There are no restrictions from Him or with Him that are not of our own doing... Meaning that although we may displease Him, His forgiveness is full and immediate and infinite. There may be consequences and all, because of what we choose, but relationally, there is never a time where God withholds His love from us.
Not even when, by all rights, He should...
Which is an absolutely convicting thought for me. Since for the last couple of days I have been given wisdom that I know is of God and that I know I should not (and apparently CANNOT ignore).
Because the thing with falling is this: falling means letting go.
And in some twisted human way, i've not been quite ready to do that.
I'd like to nurse my wounds, so to speak. But here's the thing. I cant nurse my wounds and walk in love. The two are mutually exclusive... And the former is not God-honoring or God-pleasing.
It dawned on me a few days ago that I'm grieving. And I think that's made harder because the grief isn't one where I leave a tangible thing behind. My grief is for desires, hopes, dreams, personal expecations. And the fact that I grieved so many of those things not so long ago for such a long period of time doesn't make it any easier in this place.
But, with that being said, just like the letting go I had to do as I grieved the transition of some of my favorite people from time to eternity, I have to do that same letting go now. I have to trust God now like I trusted Him then. Even though I didnt understand why I had to lose my grandparents, I knew that God was sovereign. I knew that His Will could never be wrong and that there was never anything better. I knew, whether or not I understood, that God's way was the safest, best, wisest way there was. And I learned to live in a new normal. I learned to walk in their home and not expect to see their faces or hear their voices. I learned that life didn't stop and that it wouldn't always hurt to be without the only 'normal' I had ever really known...
Them leaving set all our lives on totally different courses. It brought pain, true enough. And challenge. But it also brought change and freedom and growth. In many many ways, it allowed us to live.
And this is the same for me. This changes everything I hoped for. I had already realigned my hopes once based on the package not fitting and the plan not being anything like my plan... I made the adjustment. Because I trusted God. It has not been the easiest road or even a desireable one in most respects. But I believed God when I chose to follow Him instead of me...
I had hoped that all the price had been paid, that the last death of my own hopes had come to pass. But this situation. It showed me different. Not only had the last death not come to pass, there was to be more than one more death in my heart as a result of what God in His Absoluteness saw fit to allow. There have been things that I held dear, values and such, that have been shattered in this. I had gotten over not having any real 'firsts' ... but I longed for and looked forward to the 'next times' being ours... And that isnt how it's workin'. The things that most women look forward to in relationships, the times where it legitimately gets to be all yours and it's not selfish to want those moments... for me, for us, that's not what it is. It will be more sacrifice and more crucifixtion and more hurt. The moments that really are reserved as 'ours' now become some sort of faith statement, as opposed to the times to be shared and enjoyed by the people who love us and who we love the most.
The life that was to be lived relatively unfettered by anymore of either of our pasts.. Well.. that's not happenin. It is now fettered. And that's a grief for me. Because the sort of ties that H brings, I dont bring. The sort of history. It's not my history. And it brings questions to me... All the things that are firsts for me, that are NOT firsts for him... will he be excited with me or will he think my excitement foolish? The thing I want most in the world, will he not want that because well he's been there and done that... three times over?
Everything's changed. Everything's somethin I had not prepared for and dont want to prepare for now. Everything is different.
Everything I had finally allowed myself to hope for and look toward as reward for letting so much die so long ago has become something more or less than I desired. And of all that I feel, that's the part that hurts the worst.
Those desires and hopes are the reasons I dont want to fall. Because falling means letting go of the last of the things I have held dear.
And if i fall... if i let go... I have to accept the changes and challenges and growth this is meant to bring. And I have to be willing to walk in unfettered relationship with H - even though his choices leave us unable to live our life without the fetters of some far-reaching consequences.
Quite frankly, the side of me that is oh-so-human has no interest in making such a sacrifice. Or risking a new journey down a harder road than the one we've walked so far....
I'm grieving because the Father is requiring me to allow the last of what I hold in my heart to die.
But I want to heal, so the new normal that death brings needs to be allowed to live.
I want us to survive, and more than that I want us to thrive. So the fetters... I need to see them as opportunity and beauty instead of constant reminders of his betrayal, dishonesty, and disrespect.
and I know that I have a choice. But I really dont. I chose long ago to follow the Lord. I chose long ago to love Him with my life. So. I'm choosing to let my self die. Because other things need desperately to be allowed to live.
That being said, it's time to let my grief rest. It's time to fall and love. It's time to take the risk and accept the consequences. It's time to find the blessing in the hurricane and to allow my man to emerge as a MAN in my sight. It really is time to open the door back and welcome him to find his way in.
New normal or not, consequences or not, shaky legs or not... this can be a blessing if I let it.
And I want to let it.
Lord,
I'm willing to fall. I just need You to renew my heart and my mind. I need You to transform my thoughts and make them Yours. And God, I need to see You do the same in H. I need to see his love for me live and breathe and prevail. I need to see him walk in courage and wrestle with You like Jacob instead of continuing to take the easy road and sacrificing my heart in the process. I need to see him fight, Lord. I'm fighting with everything in me to stand and trust. I need to see him pick up his bed and walk. He wants healing. He wants more. But he lays like an invalid on a stretcher and waits for someone to carry him to his blessing. Father I'm begging You. Command him to pick up his bed and walk. You say he will answer You as you call his name. Lord, call his name. You say i need to see us live as much as him. Lord show me. Let me see. PROVE IT. Let me see him get up and walk. Let me see him be more than anybody - including me - has ever given him credit for being. I know that I cant bargain with You; I dont want to bargain... Friend to friend... You've asked me to give up every desire of my heart and to allow the start of our future to be a statement of faith. I'm giving You that. I'm surrendering. Because I trust You. And I'm asking You to require him to do the same. Require him to make a statement of faith by leaving what everybody else thinks is a marvelous life because You've spoken to him that his life is with me. God, You have asked a tremendous price of me. And I've paid it. Love has led me to pay it. I need to see him sacrifice. I need to see him work. I need to see him take the risk of maturity that is necessary if he is ever to experience full life with You - and with me. And if he will not be this man, I am asking You, begging You, to release me from him and from us. Heal my heart dear Lord. Heal my pain. Lay my grief to rest. Allow me to fall. And allow him to fall with me.
In Jesus' Name. Amen.
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