He Was My Hosea...

I guess I'm not done.

I'm convicted now.

I was workin up on really being self-righteous in my last post. Because I've already said that it's grace that it's not me bringing this to bear.

That's the difficulty with something like this. Neither party can typically REALLY be all that mad when u look from God's POV. Becaue if we're honest with ourselves, we've been given unmerrited grace, on at least one occassion when our conduct deserved a lot less.

He's not doing this to hurt me.

I understand that. I really truly do.

And he feels all sorts of things that he'd love to share but that he's too afraid to say for fear of me exploding on him.

And I understand that too.

Frankly though, i'm not so pissed about the situation. I'm more upset with that fact that he didn't give me a chance to have a say in the way it affects he & i...

One of my friends had a great point when I said that to her, that I was mad that he waited so long to tell me about this... 'Everyone has a breaking point.'

She's right. We all do.

And maybe it's wholly irrational to expect that he would trust me so much that he would sit me down and say 'baby i need to tell you something. I dont know what's gonna come next. I dont know if you will forgive me or be willing to work through all this, but...blah blah blah blah.'

But for real, that's what I wanted of him. Honestly. Because at this point I've accepted so many things that he just KNEW i'd never ever work beyond. Surely he had an idea he could take the risk in this one.

Or maybe that's exactly why he didn't want to take the risk. Because there has been so much and he just didn't see how there could be anymore.

Who knows. Maybe he was right at the time. Maybe a couple of months ago when all this came to light for him wasnt the right time to tell me. Because just maybe I would've exploded on him. Just maybe I would've written it all off and washed my hands. Maybe he was right...

This is all such a jumble of emotions and feelings and concepts and  things.

And spiritually it's just such a streching and a testing of my REAL commitment to Christ and to H.

On the one hand, it seems so unfair that I'm convicted in this. Because this situation really does rest with him. It really does...

But then, on the other hand, I all can hear as I type is God countering all my talk of having given up so much with how much I've gained on a personal spiritual level. And much of that is in direct relationship to our relationship.

So how can I really feel justified in my hurt? How can I really feel justified in my displeasure?

Since God has given me the amazing privilege of viewing this w/eyes beyond the natural, how can I really say that I'm over it? That I'm done and not interested in walking it out anymore? How can I say that? Because God is letting me see Him work. He's giving me that.

So how is it right for me to be all mad and what-not?

The answer is that it's probably not right. Not at all...

A few years ago, this was me. My reasons were different, but God's purpose was the same. This was me. And he was the one coming to me saying 'you're taking away half my heart.' I remember that morning. It was before church on a Sunday and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. Just didn't think we could do it. We weren't honoring God and I needed to get myself together. That I loved him but God had to be number one.

I broke his heart that day the way he broke mine a few weeks ago. And mine too.

But I did what I knew was best right then.

And he did what a man in love does. He came back.

Time and again. He came back. He fought for me. He fought ME for me.

He was patient. He was relentless. He kept coming back.

And I struggled,cuz I had some unfinished business. I had to tie those ends up. I had to know beyond a doubt that what was past really was past. I loved H. Had been in love from almost the start. But... there was that loose end. It had to be tied...

He never asked. He bore that pain and he never questioned me on the real reasons why. He simply came back.

'We're just goin thru something. We are what that is, but I'll wait for you to figure that out. I love you so much it scares me.'

He woudln't leave. That's where my heart started turning. Even as I sent him away the last time, told him I needed him to not come back not at all... Even then,  I prayed 'God, he can't come back again. If he does, I can't send him away.'

I broke both our hearts that day the way he broke mine on Monday.

I cried for days. And I'm sure he did too.

But it was in that time, during that last heartbreak that God showed me the truth of the unfinished business. That indeed, it was finished and I was free to move on from it fully.

And as He released me from that old thing, He simultaneously sent me back to H.

He had respected my wishes and he stayed away. I had to go to him this time.

He ignored me at first. The weekend of my 28th birthday. I had a leadership retreat for work that weekend and I called him right before i got to the hotel. And while I was there.

No call back. I was scared to death that just maybe he wouldn't talk to me ever again in life.

A week or so later I tried again. This time he called me back.

He heard me out. But he wasn't convinced.

We talked when I got home... It was a hard conversation. He asked me why. 'Why do you want me to come back now? You sent me away. You asked me to leave. Now all of a sudden you want me back. What's different?'  I answered... 'life isn't right without you. it's just not right. i dont feel safe. it doesnt feel whole or good. i need you. i miss you. i love you. i want you. i'm sorry. i know i hurt you. i'm sorry. Will you come see me? Can we talk about it?'

He agreed. And even in that moment, he had already made up his mind to come back. Spoke with the authority of a man speaking to his woman. But he was conflicted. Just like I am now. He was conflicted.

He showed up. We talked. Got tired and decided to lay down. Just wanted to be close. He was exhausted. Fell asleep as soon as his head found a pillow, with me layin' in his arms wide awake. Thinkin. I guess i must've stirred. Woke him and he tried so hard to be available so we could talk some more - i'm a verbal processor (duh). Told him it wasnt necessary. That we didnt need to talk it out. Just wanted to be there in that moment where I knew I was safe. All i said was 'remember when i asked you one time why u thought u were supposed to be superman for me? why u thought u were supposed to carry the weight of my world on your shoulders? you said to me because that's my job. i'm supposed to do that....' his answer... 'i remember that...'  my answer... 'i finally believe you can'...

I lay there a little bit longer but couldnt sleep. Slipped out to sit and talk with God. Didn't even know he realized why I'd do that. I had started doing it months before. Went to the living room, found my corner on the couch and prayed. Asked God to order our steps and let us do it His way this time and not our own. Went back to bed; he was awake. Asked me what was wrong, if i was ok, could i just not sleep?... told him i was fine. Asked me if i was praying. Told him yeah. Found my spot in his arms and finally fell asleep...

Still conflicted. Because he was hurt. Called him one day at work. no big deal. Just left a message @ the front desk. All it said was 'I love you'... he knew it was me. Showed up a few days later. All he said was ' I got your message where you said you love me.'

I knew in that moment that we were gonna be ok. I knew then that he wasn't conflicted anymore. And he did too. We never talked about it. It just was. Because it was right. It was us and it was right.

He didnt' know it, but he took the same risk with me then that he's asking me to take with him now... God guided me then. I have to trust that God is guiding him now.

He didnt' withdraw his heart, his love, or his affection from me then. Nor did he take his friendship. He simply held on to what his heart said was right. Love didn't fail then.

I need to trust that it wont fail now. I need to give him the same respect and the same commitment now that he gave me then. He bore his pain alone. He dealt with his hurt outside our situation and he made himself available to me, even at the risk of rejection.

He doesn't know it, but the refusal to let me go is what won me over. His persistent pursuit of me. His vulnerable tender heart is what ultimately made me say yes and go back.

And maybe it's time I tell him some of this. Maybe it's time i let him know that rather than being mad, i understand... Because really, i do understand.

He's already one up on me. In his way, he asked me to stay...

He was my Hosea first.

Now it's my turn...

Maybe I need to take a page from his book and love him relentlessly.

It worked once... it'll work this time too.

Lord,

You gave me grace and he received me back with open arms. Make the grace of my heart true. Take the pride Lord. Take the burdensome pain and let me see this the way he saw me then. Help him to remember like You're helping me to remember. Love won then. Please let it win now. Put the words that bring life on my lips, Father. Remove the wall in my heart and my spirit.Open  it up wide. Leave it open wide for him. Let him come face to face with You as I learn to love him relentlessly, even as I came face to face with You when the roles were reversed. Our love is Your love. And Your word says that what You do cannot be undone. Lord let it not be undone. Let him be won not be bold speech but by steady trust and commitment and genuine friendship.  Lord please meet me in privae. Help me to deal with me outside our situation so that when we're together it's not uneasy and it's not full of things that make genuine relationship impossible. Uncommon friendship God. We need it. And we both want it. Be our bridge. Live for him like You lived for me. Thank you for the peace of remembering. And the grace of forgiveness. I love You Lord.  Please forgive me.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.