Talkin It Out

So. Now that I've named this thing, maybe I can freely  muddle thru this set of feelings that come so haphazardly these days.

There are those days when things are peachy and fine. And then there are days (or stretches) like the last week when peachy and fine is the furthest thing from my heart.

I have finally come to accept that the choices being made are not being made ONLY out of selfishness, but are genuinely in some way being made because he thinks it's right.... but that only makes it harder to believe that in the end it's gonna all be fine.

And if i'm honest, it only serves to piss me off. Because where was your sense of 'right' when you were making the choices that led to this situation that we now have to face? Where was your sense of right in the midst of all those conversations you were having with OTHER PEOPLE, to include your baby mama, about things that affect MY LIFE?

Is it beautiful that you want to do what's right by your sons? Yes. Is it acceptable that that comes at the cost of my heart? NO.

Me and God. We've been at odds for a minute. And while I'm not still raging about this, in my most lucid state of mind, the only question I've got is: why can I not just be done? He made the choice to walk away. I didn't. So why can't I just grieve this and go on?

Everything in me rails against this process. Everything inside me resents having to extend myself to display love toward him and to ensure that he knows the door is open.  And i know that's what love does. The prob is: i dont want to.

Sincerely, inside me, as much as I love H - because I do - I have no interest in reconciling. I'm good to call this done and move on. A lesson learned and all that. I mean, I have MOMENTS when I just wanna be w/him. But those moments in no way compete with the long-term desire that I have not to have to deal with this mess anymore

But then. Some days... some days I can see past myself to the blessing this really is turning into and I think that maybe if i just stick this part out, that just maybe if I can see the new thing God keeps on saying is showing up, then maybe it will be worth it. And maybe my heart will find it's way back to fully investing itself in us.

This is one of those places in life I could never have imagined. Not even in my wildest dreams....