AH-HA!!!!!

I've been trying for days to figure out exactly what is my deal.

This whole week has been thrown off. It has felt like a blanket of weariness and ... strife... has just been rested on me and it's been like trynna fight my way out of a wet paper sack. Something HUGE has just been in the way of my heart.

Monday sucked.

Tuesday got better. Then my two psuedo-bosses happened.

Yesterday... well... after a real straight conversation with a couple people, I was cool for the rest of the day.

And then....

I had a great night with H. An absolutely great night.

And finally... FINALLY.... I am able to do what God has been telling me I need to do for days now: process what's in my heart.

I couldn't put my finger on it; I haven't been able to hear God clearly. But in the midst of silence today He spoke plainly and what He said was: 'You're scared'

Can I just say, DUH?!

Well OF COURSE that's what's wrong with me!

Things are goin' way too smoothly for me and H. I'm struggling to rest in what I'm seeing happen between us. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I had another do-or-die conversation yesterday. This one was professionally. And well... Much like the one with H, once my mouth opened... it didn't close. That ball started rollin' and it didn't lose steam til it was spent. It stopped as abruptly as it began. And it began for the same reason as the coversation with Heath; God said 'speak your truth, love'... so.... the door opened.... and i walked right on thru...

And ya know, the same w/H, I know that what I said was appropriate, right, and true. I know that I was not being emotional - although my emotions were pretty evident. And I know that it was necessary to put it out there, if for no other reason than so that all the cards on the table.

But just like that night w/H, it left me a little sad and hurt, allbeit in a different way. Because I know that something was broken in the midst of it. I know that, no matter what God chooses to do in that situation, the relationships that were touched are forever changed. Fundamentally and at their core. It's the end of a thing I've wanted free of for the last 3 years.

I'm excited about that.

But I'm also nervous. Because well... Good, bad, or indifferent (and let's please ALL hope that it'll be the 1st of the 3 - sheesh), it means change.

This whole season of life is beginning to be about change. And change scares me. It always has. Because I am a very straight-line kinda girl. I like life to be stable and predictable. Even after all this, I still am not a fan of lots of change - especially not if it means throwing me into a new group of people.

I am looking for a job. Have been for a while. And I have also committed to seeing the project w/this company thru to the end. Because it's right. But I have no desire, once that's done, to go back to work with or for them. And I doubt that I can now, because there really is no respect remaining...

But... i thought that same thing about H. I want(ed) to be done. Because really... respect... well... it took a vacation for a GOOD minute - and even now, only has it's pinky-toe in the water (just bein honest). And in spite of that, God DIDN'T let me turn away and I am STILL here.

Which is really what I fear most. Even more than change.

My greatest fear is that it will all stay the same....

It's been so tough for so long that I am strugglin' to let myself believe that the change is a) real and b) in my favor. Nevermind that I've been obedient and I should expect to reap the fruit of that. But the one lesson that thas been driven home again and again is that obedience doesn't guarantee an outcome that leaves you all blissful. Sometimes it bears a tremendous cost. And so far, more often than not, I've paid the cost and not seen that prosperous side of it all...

So. Needless to say, I am good and uneasy about believing that H is really turning around and that we are really gonna survive this OR that my work situation is gonna be what God has been saying for THREE YEARS He intends it to be. Because watching these jokers bumble around is not confidence-inspiring. And trusting them is not EVEN an option. But I did it on the strength of that God said so, and I'll take the next job w/that same perspective. If God says take it, I'll take it. No matter how ridiculous it all is to me.

I've set this precedent in my life of radical obedience and now I'm left to wonder if it will always be so... well... extreme... I'm left to wonder if EVERY thing about this life will always be such a miraculous  'if God doesn't do it, then it ain't gettin done' kinda thing.... I mean, I know that on some levels everything is that way. But I'm talkin about BIG stuff. Is everything gonna always be a BIG thing?

GEEZ. Can it just not ALL be a big flippin' thing?!

Move forward. I long to.

But limbo. It's easier. More comfortable.

H and I have this great thing happenin' between us, but what if what happened to us at first happens again now? Nobody knows it but me, but the real block for me and him hasn't been just some of his choices and etc. It's that we changed the dynamic. When we were just seeing eachother, as in not committed, things were easy and laid back. No rules. No responsibilities. It was exactly what it was for the both of us. Soon as we put a name to things it all shifted and turned into a silent battle to really get past ourselves. Because well really... who expected to have to take some ownership?

Now we're there again. We are 'us'. Nobody really wants to define anything. And we have this great thing happening - in large part, and in spite of us, because we do have SOME solid history to build on. But what happens when God says 'ok it's time to go on back home dude. enough of this. time for you to honor her heart and My instruction'... ? Do we lose that momentum again?

The very thought is enough to make limbo cool with me. Because in this place I have my H. The one that makes me laugh and smile and just in general relax. And while it's not ideal, it certainly is easier and preferable to another hurdle to jump. Cuz um. I'm over that.

And work. Well. It has been a hot mess from the start. And I only took the job because God told me to. Matter of fact, I VOLUNTEERED my time to these people and they offered a job.... I had no intention of this being a long-term anything w/them. Cuz well... They are a hot mess. (have I already said that?! My bad. *rollin my eyes*) But God had other plans. And professional obedience has cost way more than I care to revisit. The very idea that things might actually come togehter and those .... people... come lookin at me talkin' about, we want you to come back and  blah blah blah, and that God MIGHT say 'stay'. THAT is not on my top ten list of ways to spend my life.

I have no job now. I am doing sitter/helper/nanny-type stuff for a couple friends. But that's my only income. And seriously. It is pitiful for me to say that I'd rather kick it right here in this SAME place than move forward and be asked to stomach more of what I'm trynna get away from - or more of a new company with attitudes like that of the old one. But  that's exactly how I feel.... And that's sad.

What this all boils down to is this: God is unpredictable. His ways are unorthodox. His instructions have nothing to do with how they will feel or how it will make us look. And the obedience He expects of me is not rooted in the outcome, only in the fact that He says so. He doesn't care if  I look ridiculous before people. He doesn't care that I'm judged harshly for my surrender to Him. He cares that His purposes are accomplished.

And He's God. So He has that right.

But that said, knowing all that... understanding all that... it scares the heavens outta me. Because what if moving forward just means more of the same, except in an even more binding circumstance? What if, ultimately it's just the same song-n-dance, lived out as a more mature version of me than this last time around.

And really, I'm so not a fan of any of that. Not on any level.

I am just not a fan.

But there really is no choice in this, right? Isn't the only option to move forward and live life? Trust God and believe Him when He says that it's time to enjoy the fruits of the labor. That's the right thing to do, huh?

I know it is. And I know that God does care how I feel. He does care what affects me and the pain that it causes me. It all matters to Him.

But it doesn't change what He requires of me.

And maybe THAT'S what really has me afraid....