Inside My Head

A friend sent me an email last night asking for some advice.

And the advice I gave her is drawn directly from this current season.

And that leaves me feeling some kinda way.

This last week has been a little ... non-committal... on my part. I'm doing the right things, but my heart is quickly become 'wrong'. I want to disengage. I just want to go thru the motions. But I need to be engaged. But quite frankly, that just feels like a set-up for there to be some brand new crazy and I just cannot make myself believe that's a good move on my part.

But this email from a friend. The advice was to accept her husband for who he is, where he is and to put up her 'rather-nots' about some things he does that she doesn't care for away in order to let the intimacy between them grown and the trust and freedom between them deepen.

On the surface no big deal. But to be living in my head these days, this spoke to something in me. It showed me that this is in some way a blessing and that what's happening between us is a result of following God's direction to me to close my mouth and be who He's called me to be.

Not throwing up on H emotionally is tough for me. Because all I REALLY want is to tell him what's really flotating in my head. But... I dont. And then nights like last night, he looks to me to be his person. And well. In my heart and humanity, what i REALLY say is, why are u askin that of me. Ask that chick. Why is she not doing these things for you? But what leaves my mouth is, 'we'll figure it out, or if i can i will'. Or even 'i got you. dont worry about it.'

And i just wanna gag. Because how is it that i'm not getting a pass here on the responsibility of us? I'm sooooo tired of bearing responsibilty by myself. But God says so, so i do it.

Then my friend emails me.

And after i send the email, the Lord whispers, 'Now are you beginning to see why this matters to your life? You are able to encourage and minister to others in a very different way than you be otherwise.'

Well. Thanks for that.

And then, as I am sharing how I'm seeing him trust me fully in this because I'm giving up my right to 'expect' of him in some ways, what i find myself wanting to do is take him in my arms and ask him how he's really doing in all this.

But really. I shouldn't care. He chose it. He did it. It's his deal and it's his fault. Why the hell would I care how he feels?

He's overwhelmed. Well...if you hadnt been too wasted to know you were... that chick UNPROTECTED, you wouldnt be overwhelmed.

He's hurting, torn between his kids and his love for me. Well. Again... if you hadn't responded to a LEGITIMATE conversation outta your ego and your pride, you wouldn't be torn. Not like this. Because you would've never made a choice that means you have to hurt your kids to fix your mess. You woulda had to face the music of telling me about small fry. But you would never have been asked to choose between me and them. Because the answer was a simple 'we'll figure it out.' Literally.

Things just dont feel 'right'... SO what. They'll never feel right if you dont figure out that God is God and that His view matters - NOT your own. But far be it from ME to tell you any of that - cuz u got this. OBVIOUSLY you got it, since you seem to be making choices these days that SCREW IT ALL UP for everybody around you.

And that chick. I don't even LIKE that broad. Never have. And pretty sure that at this point, I never will. But really. She doesn't deserve to be hurt, mistreated, and lied to every chance you get so that you can feel like a man but not have to make a choice. No matter how conniving, manipulative, vindictive and ridiculously silly she may be. She doesn't deserve that. No one does.

But, in my Granny's words: "Well I'll be d*mned'.

I DO CARE. And really . What part of the game is this nonsense?!

sigh. is this how love works itself out? really? you care when it's really not safe to do so? you make an effort that you KNOW is gonna leave you in pain?

Sheesh God. Can ya just give me a break on this one? Really. Just lemme breathe for a minute. Just for a minute.

This is my birthday weekend. I am NOT supposed to be this twisted up inside over someone else's foolishness.

Hosea.

Really.

That poor man. It really sucked to be him and Gomer needs her butt kicked.