I have been so quiet the last few months. I know I have. And I miss a more regular pattern in my blogging, but I just haven't had it in me.
There have been days when doubt has been fierce in my heart. There have been days when the battles around me have weighed heavy on my mind and burdened my spirit in ways I can't even begin to convey. There have been moment of discouragement and fear and all sorts of other things. And God has been there with me thru them all. He has been my bff, my Comforter, my Deliverer, my Redeemer, my Everything.
And then, just when I couldn't take one more day of emotional roller-coastering, God did something in my heart. So many things, I can't even begin to describe. But He did it.
This is a journey and it's full of all the things any long trip would contain. Anticipation and a fresh wide open optimistic heart - just yearning to go, impatience, tiredness, frustration beacuse it takes so freakin long to get there, the feeling that you'll never arrive. All that's been real. And those last three have been a killer for me.
But then God, in all His Godness, showed me something else: pure excitement that we are almost there! I am excited now. Because we are almost there. And trust me. Things dont look that way, but I feel it keenly in my spirit. I KNOW it inside my soul. We are almost there. This trip is almost over.
All the things God has revealed to me, now they're happening. All the things He's shown me, they're coming to pass.
There are so many promises that I've struggled to hold on to, and so many things I've anguished over. It seems surreal now that it's all coming together. There have been so many 'impossible things' on my list of "God, Prove It!"... and He's proving it.
Giddy. Giddy is a great word to describe this place right now.
And the crazy part is this: nothing is new. Not a thing looks different. I'M what looks different. The faith the Lord has given to me has been solidified in some unexpected, but much desired, ways. Again, His work in ME is the most noticeable thing of all. And it is well.
Genuinely, truly, it is well.
I'm lacking in no good thing. And everything else is just extra. This, I think, is the greatest blessing of faith. Seeing a plan so much bigger than any I could imagine and believing God. Seeing HIS PLAN at work in my life - the life He's given me - and believing in it's absolute BESTNESS in my life.
To not be able to see it, touch it, smell it, or taste it just yet - but to know that it is just around the corner - that is a blessing. It is what God has desired of me, and where I have so longed to be.
He's faithful, even when I'm doubtful. He's a blessing, by His very nature. In all cirucmstances He has taught me to be content. And whether I have little or I have much, that I have my God is plenty good enough.
The promises, they are big promises. Miraculous, in fact. And God is able to do it all. This I know. That has not been my question. My question has been 'Lord will you?Lord has all this been in vain? Lord have I given up so much, only to walk away with nothing to show for all the pain and all the tears and all the fears and shame? Has this been a waste?'
And He has been faithful enough to answer me: 'Daughter, I Am faithful and just to keep My promises. I Am not man that I should lie. I honor those who honor Me. I see the sacrifice. I know the cost to you. And I will not allow you to be shamed in your obedience to Me. The choice to follow Me has not been made in vain. This road you have walked, it has not been a waste. It has not been for naught. I see and I know. I will do all that I have promised you.'
Six months ago, three months ago, a month and a half ago, I wasn't sure that was enough. I wasn't sure I could keep going. But His grace has been enough. And I couldn't said it before, but I can say it now: whether or not He chooses to do any of what He promised me, He truly has kept His Word simply in what He has done INSIDE me.
I wasn't sure I'd be willing to serve Him anymore if He chose to allow me to be shamed to the capacity that I will be if His promises don't come to pass. I wasn't sure if, in my heart, I could truly call Him 'good'. But now I know. He's my God. No matter what. All these things. All the things that are 'impossible things', that He says are possible with Him - and His promises to me, no less - all those things are just not important if they come at the cost of me and Him. I can bear the shame, if that is His choice. I can bear the pain, if that is His will. I can bear the uncertainty of my future, if it comes to that. But what I CANNOT bear is life apart from Him. No matter my circumstance, no matter the outcome, I cannot go back. I cannot go back to living life on my own terms and in my own strength. I cannot go back to that place where I was what everyone thought I should be, and not much at all of what He wanted me to be. THAT PLACE is a place to which I can never return.
My faith has waivered, my heart has been faint, and my trust in Him has been lacking on more occassions than I care to admit. But today, right now, as I sit and type this I can say with my heart that I will serve Him anyway. If I never get any of the desires of my heart, I will serve Him anyway.
Because He is worthy. He is holy. He is beautiful beyon description. He is a blessing and a gift to me. And He doesn't owe me anything. Whatever He gives me, is given by His choice alone. I haven't earned it and I don't deserve it. It is enough that He has saved me for Himself in eternity. Anything else is just gravy.
Lord,
I have wondered if truly my heart is Yours. Father it is. I belong to You. And You alone. I will serve You anyway. I will serve You in shame or adulation. I will serve You in poverty or in wealth. I will serve in isolation or out in the front. I will serve You all my life, til my dying day, and with my last breath. Because You alone are worthy. You alone are holy. You alone are God. If You never give me what I long for on this earth, I will Love You without reserve and I will serve You anyway. My yes, is yes, Lord. May it never change a day in my life. My yes is yes. You are my first love. My all-in-all, my everything. You have all of me, no matter what it costs. You have all of me, God.
In Jesus' Name. Amen.
There have been days when doubt has been fierce in my heart. There have been days when the battles around me have weighed heavy on my mind and burdened my spirit in ways I can't even begin to convey. There have been moment of discouragement and fear and all sorts of other things. And God has been there with me thru them all. He has been my bff, my Comforter, my Deliverer, my Redeemer, my Everything.
And then, just when I couldn't take one more day of emotional roller-coastering, God did something in my heart. So many things, I can't even begin to describe. But He did it.
This is a journey and it's full of all the things any long trip would contain. Anticipation and a fresh wide open optimistic heart - just yearning to go, impatience, tiredness, frustration beacuse it takes so freakin long to get there, the feeling that you'll never arrive. All that's been real. And those last three have been a killer for me.
But then God, in all His Godness, showed me something else: pure excitement that we are almost there! I am excited now. Because we are almost there. And trust me. Things dont look that way, but I feel it keenly in my spirit. I KNOW it inside my soul. We are almost there. This trip is almost over.
All the things God has revealed to me, now they're happening. All the things He's shown me, they're coming to pass.
There are so many promises that I've struggled to hold on to, and so many things I've anguished over. It seems surreal now that it's all coming together. There have been so many 'impossible things' on my list of "God, Prove It!"... and He's proving it.
Giddy. Giddy is a great word to describe this place right now.
And the crazy part is this: nothing is new. Not a thing looks different. I'M what looks different. The faith the Lord has given to me has been solidified in some unexpected, but much desired, ways. Again, His work in ME is the most noticeable thing of all. And it is well.
Genuinely, truly, it is well.
I'm lacking in no good thing. And everything else is just extra. This, I think, is the greatest blessing of faith. Seeing a plan so much bigger than any I could imagine and believing God. Seeing HIS PLAN at work in my life - the life He's given me - and believing in it's absolute BESTNESS in my life.
To not be able to see it, touch it, smell it, or taste it just yet - but to know that it is just around the corner - that is a blessing. It is what God has desired of me, and where I have so longed to be.
He's faithful, even when I'm doubtful. He's a blessing, by His very nature. In all cirucmstances He has taught me to be content. And whether I have little or I have much, that I have my God is plenty good enough.
The promises, they are big promises. Miraculous, in fact. And God is able to do it all. This I know. That has not been my question. My question has been 'Lord will you?Lord has all this been in vain? Lord have I given up so much, only to walk away with nothing to show for all the pain and all the tears and all the fears and shame? Has this been a waste?'
And He has been faithful enough to answer me: 'Daughter, I Am faithful and just to keep My promises. I Am not man that I should lie. I honor those who honor Me. I see the sacrifice. I know the cost to you. And I will not allow you to be shamed in your obedience to Me. The choice to follow Me has not been made in vain. This road you have walked, it has not been a waste. It has not been for naught. I see and I know. I will do all that I have promised you.'
Six months ago, three months ago, a month and a half ago, I wasn't sure that was enough. I wasn't sure I could keep going. But His grace has been enough. And I couldn't said it before, but I can say it now: whether or not He chooses to do any of what He promised me, He truly has kept His Word simply in what He has done INSIDE me.
I wasn't sure I'd be willing to serve Him anymore if He chose to allow me to be shamed to the capacity that I will be if His promises don't come to pass. I wasn't sure if, in my heart, I could truly call Him 'good'. But now I know. He's my God. No matter what. All these things. All the things that are 'impossible things', that He says are possible with Him - and His promises to me, no less - all those things are just not important if they come at the cost of me and Him. I can bear the shame, if that is His choice. I can bear the pain, if that is His will. I can bear the uncertainty of my future, if it comes to that. But what I CANNOT bear is life apart from Him. No matter my circumstance, no matter the outcome, I cannot go back. I cannot go back to living life on my own terms and in my own strength. I cannot go back to that place where I was what everyone thought I should be, and not much at all of what He wanted me to be. THAT PLACE is a place to which I can never return.
My faith has waivered, my heart has been faint, and my trust in Him has been lacking on more occassions than I care to admit. But today, right now, as I sit and type this I can say with my heart that I will serve Him anyway. If I never get any of the desires of my heart, I will serve Him anyway.
Because He is worthy. He is holy. He is beautiful beyon description. He is a blessing and a gift to me. And He doesn't owe me anything. Whatever He gives me, is given by His choice alone. I haven't earned it and I don't deserve it. It is enough that He has saved me for Himself in eternity. Anything else is just gravy.
Lord,
I have wondered if truly my heart is Yours. Father it is. I belong to You. And You alone. I will serve You anyway. I will serve You in shame or adulation. I will serve You in poverty or in wealth. I will serve in isolation or out in the front. I will serve You all my life, til my dying day, and with my last breath. Because You alone are worthy. You alone are holy. You alone are God. If You never give me what I long for on this earth, I will Love You without reserve and I will serve You anyway. My yes, is yes, Lord. May it never change a day in my life. My yes is yes. You are my first love. My all-in-all, my everything. You have all of me, no matter what it costs. You have all of me, God.
In Jesus' Name. Amen.
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