Emotionally Speaking...

I am all over the map.

Tired. Incredibly sad. Not a little ready to just move on.

Not angry. Not bitter.

Just incredibly ready to write this whole deal off.

I cannot help but recognize and believe that an awful lot of what I'm feeling is coming from the last few weeks' sermons and bible study.

There has been this series of conviction in my heart and again, God calling me. Asking me to be making some deicsions.  Par for the course, right?

Yeah. Not so much. Not right now anyway.

Then add to that that we had our first tiff since WWIII and well. I'm just ready to move along. The tiff wasn't even big. It wasn't major. It wasn't something that left me feelin' like we're fallin apart at the seams. Quite the opposite really.

I feel nothing.

And that's not the best place for me to be.

For me to feel nothing is for me to be totally disengaged.

And in light of what God's been asking of me and telling me, disengaged is not really a good look.

Words. I have them. But what good are they, since I cannot articulate them and do what God has said most recently: BELIEVE HIM....

Exhausted. And through.

I dont want to see the inside of my church. I dont want to pick up that flippin' workbook for my biblestudy. I dont want to hear his voice. I dont want to see a plan or a consider any detail that makes him further a part of my life or my journey.

I wanna get on with my life. Without him.

I dont want to deal with the folx. I dont want to navigate the water in front of us. I dont want to swallow my distaste for his people - because i really just wanna punch them in their throats, with the exception of just a handful. I dont wanna feel the hurt of my family's lack of understanding of all that's coming.

I just dont wanna deal with this.

I don't want to stand and fight for another soul that isn't willing to fight for itself. I dont wanna fight battles for people who could care less about me or my well-being; I dont wanna stand in the gap for people who encouraged him to break my heart. I just dont wanna do any of that.

I am tired.

This road has been long. This journey seems interminable. The effort its taken (and is taking now) to stand has been exhausting.

I dont care why he needs this. I dont care that I am the link he needs to see God in the way He desires. I dont care how he feels. I dont care that it's not easy for him. I dont care about any of that.

Right now, in this moment, what I care about is that this sacrifice and this grieving seems never-ending. I care that the next few months of my life is gonna be something that SHOULD BE amazing, but will only be more sacrifice. I care that he's taken all of what I was willing to give to him freely and turned it now into this giant set of hurdles to jump because he was too selfish, too irresponsible, and too in need of an ego stroke to do what was right and honorable and decent.

That's what I care about in this moment. That's where my heart is right now.

And I really wish God would just look at that, understand it, and tell me I dont have to do this if I dont want to. Because I don't. I wish that He would give me a pass and just let me move along. Deal with my own heart in all this and then get over this whole season of life.

I dont wanna do life with him. I dont wanna spend a few more years watching him grow up. I dont wanna bear the weight of his ridiculousness.

I freakin' dont wanna be bothered.

I cannot say that enough. I DON'T WANNA BE BOTHERED WITH THIS OR WITH HIM ANYMORE.

Why can he not just GO AWAY?

Better yet, why can't I just go away?! Then it would be a no-brainer. I'd be in control of it and I'd know exactly what choice I was making for myself.  Life w/out him, and probably alone thereafter.

I'm alright with that.

Oh. That's right. God said stay. God said accept him and all that comes with this. God said He'll make it right.

THAT'S why I can't go away.

*sigh*

I dont even know where all this came from.

I'm sure that I'll start to muddle thru the sermon notes and such soon...

What a way to be feelin' on a Friday afternoon.

Maybe I just need a good chick-flick so that I can have a reason to cry.

I feel foolish. I have for a long time. Believing God and acting on it now makes me feel even more foolish than I already did (who the heck even knew that was possible?!). And I'm tired of that. Tired of feeling and looking foolish for somebody who doesn't even get it. Why should i give up any more of my reputation for that? Why should i sacrifice anymore emotionally? Why should I work so hard for something that is so absolutely in shambles?

Where is the grace in this for me? Where is the kindness in this, that God says is in His every action in our lives? Where is the evidence that His love for me is at work to make this pile of rubble something worth believing in? Where is MY free will in all this? Why am I the only one who feels bound to obey God - in spite of the fact that it keeps bringing me to my knees and that I feel like I'mma drown in the tears that I cry when I eventually let myself feel this in full? Where are those people who understand God this way and who can walk me thru this pain? Where is somebody who's done this and who won't tell me how much this can't be God and how free I am to just leave? Where is just that one woman who will understand the unorthodoxy that is my life and our relationship and who will know that this IS a sacrifice that I am bound by love to make and that the cost and the ache in my spirit is beyond anything I can put into words? Where is that teacher who can speak over me and help me to hang on?

I'm not one given to looking for outside support. I'm not one who needs approval from others or truly values many opinions on my life when I know I'm doing what's right, what's best, what pleases God and/or makes sense to me. But right now. In this place. In this moment. I need a sister to come alongside me and tell me to hang on. I need her to know that I have to do this. I need my arms to be held up because they are faltering and dangerously close to just giving out. I've got a couple of women who love me and who are alwyas gonna encourage obedience. But they dont'  understand this foolishness. I know they don't. Because I don't.  Not fully. I just need someone who's been here and done this to tell me this will pass. That some want to will rise up from somewhere. That some miraculous transformation will start making itself known and that this WILL be worth it when it's all said and done.

There has got to be one other 'Hosea' story out there that has seen the hand of God deliver Gomer and legitimize that painful life choice. Just one.

Please God, let her find me...