The reality of my heart is so easy: I'm weary. Tired. And sad about somethin' - that very promise, in fact that I'm (trying not to) laugh at right now.
And I'm wrong.
My attitude is all wrong. Again with the quality time with God today. I hear Him in my 6a.m. wake-up whine from a 5 month old puppy. Thru my haze of sleep, I hear: 'Are you still here because of obedience, or simply because you haven't yet found an out?'
C'mon. REALLY?!
What sorta question is that?! ... I'll keep it real: it was a good one. Cuz what started out as obedience has over the last few months come dangerously close to resignation. And who can blame me, right?! The one or two people who read this blog and actually know me IRL KNOW that seriously, WHO CAN BLAME ME?!
But because God is well... God... He wants an answer. Which only leads to a conversation. Which only serves to frustrate me. Because 0ptimism is eluding me right now at this present time. And in spite of the wrongness of the stuff around me, I'M the one getting warned about an attitude adjustment if I'm not careful.
yeah. can we all say UNFAIR? Uh-huh. That's what I thought.
And so. Because me and God finally have this conversation (where I listened and He talked), I now have this crazy conversation running through my head. And it is terribly nerve-racking. Because really. All that I think, all that I feel. I shouldn't have to say this stuff. We're too far along in this game for me to have to say this stuff.
However. Apparently we are not. And as my mind is moving and my feelings are surfacing, I hear again through my cloud: 'Your feelings are not wrong. These things need to be addressed. I will give the opportunity. Be bold and frank.' ... I believe that God just needed comic relief today. Because bold and frank tends to be my perpetual state - especially these days. And I'm not sure how that's supposed to be of benefit to the other part of this duo.
Eh. Well. I guess we'll see what happens... And as much as I'm not looking forward to it, I know that it's true that this needs to happen. It seriously needs to happen. So. Bold & Frank it is.
Because the conversation in my head really IS the reality of my heart. I cant deny it. He cant' help but feel it. So I guess I need to say it.
OH THE DRAMA.
Once again,God.You win.
REALLY. You win.
ro
And I'm wrong.
My attitude is all wrong. Again with the quality time with God today. I hear Him in my 6a.m. wake-up whine from a 5 month old puppy. Thru my haze of sleep, I hear: 'Are you still here because of obedience, or simply because you haven't yet found an out?'
C'mon. REALLY?!
What sorta question is that?! ... I'll keep it real: it was a good one. Cuz what started out as obedience has over the last few months come dangerously close to resignation. And who can blame me, right?! The one or two people who read this blog and actually know me IRL KNOW that seriously, WHO CAN BLAME ME?!
But because God is well... God... He wants an answer. Which only leads to a conversation. Which only serves to frustrate me. Because 0ptimism is eluding me right now at this present time. And in spite of the wrongness of the stuff around me, I'M the one getting warned about an attitude adjustment if I'm not careful.
yeah. can we all say UNFAIR? Uh-huh. That's what I thought.
And so. Because me and God finally have this conversation (where I listened and He talked), I now have this crazy conversation running through my head. And it is terribly nerve-racking. Because really. All that I think, all that I feel. I shouldn't have to say this stuff. We're too far along in this game for me to have to say this stuff.
However. Apparently we are not. And as my mind is moving and my feelings are surfacing, I hear again through my cloud: 'Your feelings are not wrong. These things need to be addressed. I will give the opportunity. Be bold and frank.' ... I believe that God just needed comic relief today. Because bold and frank tends to be my perpetual state - especially these days. And I'm not sure how that's supposed to be of benefit to the other part of this duo.
Eh. Well. I guess we'll see what happens... And as much as I'm not looking forward to it, I know that it's true that this needs to happen. It seriously needs to happen. So. Bold & Frank it is.
Because the conversation in my head really IS the reality of my heart. I cant deny it. He cant' help but feel it. So I guess I need to say it.
OH THE DRAMA.
Once again,God.You win.
REALLY. You win.
ro
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