I Feel Like An Experiment...

gone way wrong.

"God, why would You let this be like this, after all this?'

And while this question sounds redundant unless you have any idea what the 'all this' actually is, it is a real honest to goodness plea to help me understand. I want to see this God's way. And really. I'm workin on it.

Balloons 1-3... I'm workin on it.

I really am letting go... but somebody told me that I'd go thru this thing where I'd go back to God over and over, and apparently that has begun. The more I try to let go, the more the reality of what's inside is showing itself. And I supposed that on some level, that's healthy... But it's really gettin' on my nerves.

So. My question today was 'God why would You do this? You say I need this... Why exactly do I need this - on top of ALL the rest of it?! Why do I need this?'

"You need this for your ministry. You need to know what women in your same position feel. You need to understand the pain they feel - and you need to understand it from the perspective of such a deep hurt that all they can see, all they can hear is what's driven by their brokenness inside."

I mean... Really?!

An experiment gone bad.

Since when did I become poster child for something from nothing?!

Really.

I mean. I'm not a fan. Not at all. I know He's God. And I appreciate His sovereignty and His all-knowingness and things... But for real... All this so I can undastand somebody else's situation?!

THIS is a pain in the butt.

A serious pain in the butt.

And then I had the nerve to keep talking... 'God, why is this hostility surfacing again? I dont like the way it feels. I really don't know what to do with it anymore. Why wont it go away?'

Again.

"You need to understand. What you feel is beyond anger, but it is still far less intense that what you felt intially. You need to deal with it now so that it's easier as I restore you... Imagine what this is like for those who don't know Me, who don't hear My voice, who don't have Me as their guide. You need to understand."

I mean. Again. For real?!

As intensely as I feel most things, even though on the surface it looks like i just dont care, this is not a good look.  Because I felt violent earlier. And perilously close to crossing the line into flat out sheer rage... But then the hostility subsided and turned into just a persisent sadness and a knot in my throat... Then God tells me that I'm really disappointed in him, not so much angry at him.

Well. THAT makes this all better.

And forgive me, but uh. I am so not appreciative of my life being flipped inside out for some nameles faceless people that I have never even imagined as of this present moment in time and history. Nope. Not even a little bit.

But not for the reasons you think.

I don't ever want to look another woman in the face and see all the emotions play across her face that I feel inside right now. I don't ever want to witness that pain and then be compelled to tell a sister that she's called to STAY in a situation that hurts so deeply and that takes so much to recover from. Cuz really, other side being better notwithstanding, this is patently unfair. And freaking unreasonable. Bordering on ridiculous. I just dont want another woman to feel this way, not at the hands of a man she loves. Not at all.

And more than those namelss faceless people, I cant help but think of my own daughters. I dont want them to follow my footsteps. I DO NOT want them to hurt this way. I DO NOT want them to travel my road. And if my fam is any indication, it's not lookin good for the home team...

**********

"You were raised to stay. Raised to stand. It's never too much or enough. You're strong enough. You can do this. He loves you.... he loves you... He's a good man... Baby that man loves you. And you love him. That's all you need. That's what'll get you through them times when you dont know how you gon' make it. Don't you think I been there? I decided early on that wasn't NOTHIN' would make me leave. Nothin'. So many things happened between us, some don't nobody know about but me and him and some EVERYBODY know about. But we stayed together. Neither of us was perfect. But we loved each other. When we didnt have nothing else, we had that. And you have that. That's all you need. That man is a good man. He loves you. This won't last always. You won't always feel like you feel right now. It'll stop hurting. Just keep goin'. Trust the Lord. You know the Lord. Trust Him... Baby love wan't never meant to be easy. But it was meant to last. HE LOVES YOU. He is a GOOD MAN and he loves you."

'Yes mam. I miss you. I need you to be here with me. I need you to walk me thru this. I miss you. How am I supposed to do this? How do I get past it? How's it gonna be ok?'

"You don't need me. You used to, but you dont now. You know the Lord. Better than you even realize. That's what'll get you through this. That's what will make it ok. Don't worry about your daddy. The Lord'll handle that. Your mama either. You just do what God is tellin' you. You're ready. You don't need me anymore. I knew long ago that you would be fine. I knew you would get to this place in your life. I prayed many years for your life and your husband. You can do this. You'll be fine. Ya'll will be fine. I love  you."

'Yes mam. I love you too. Yes mam.... ok... yes mam.'

The voice I needed. She squelched the hostility. She calmed my spirit when nothing else would.

**********

"I know you're tired and I know you're weary. But don't give up. Trust Me. You need this. You cannot understand exquisite love unless you understand exquisite pain. H will be a better man. He is My best for you. Trust Me. Don't give up. Don't quit. It's almost over."

I'm really hoping the point is proven soon. Because... well.. yeah...

I'm sure there is a balloon #4 being revealed somewhere in all this processing... I'm positive of it.