Catharsis

So.

This word has been coming to mind for the last few minutes or so. I had to it up. And basically it means to purge or purify...

It wold seem that allowing the realities that this situation brings to bear to actually surface is forcing me to face two things that i typically supress: anger and pain.

And I'm discovering that facing them means allowing them to breathe. Not to fester and not to linger unnecessarily. But to allow them expression when they surface.

That's a pretty novel approach.

Obviously, my last post has to tell you that anger showed up big and mighty this weekend. And pain on it's heels. And I found that besides being sick of them, there was nothing I could do with them but well... feel it.

But there's some good news in this!

Apparently feeling it and giving it voice is all part of releasing it. And somehow it would seem that it's building my faith.

Shocked me too.

It dawned on me this evening as I was singing a song that I only sing when in my spirit I sense God bringing about some sort of breakthrough. I was singing and hadn't even realized it. And the most beautiful part of the singing is that it was genuine. From my heart. And rich. The words were coming up on their own and then other words were flowing right along w/them. My voice got to stretch tonight. And that hasn't happened in a genuine, spirit-deep way in a while. There was passion behind the words. There was something beyond just it sounding nice...

Somehow, this weekend has been cathartic.

Somehow my heart is opening back up.

This is the wierdest place. This crazy synchronicity of such conflicting emotions.

But the one that's really wining is love.

I mean... at the core of it all, at the end of this road... love is alive and well. And friendship. And honesty.

It would seem that H is growing in those things too. His usual m.o. is to run from my pain. I can give him credit and say that today he didn't break my heart again. He got a lot of my pain Friday night. Pain he didn't think I'd give and pain I was hoping I was past feeling.... It hurt him. And he doesn't know how to face it. It convicted him and it left him unsure what to do or say. But he didn't run from it. He didn't try to mitigate it or brush it away. He faced it. For the first time ever. He faced the fact that my hurt runs deep and that just maybe i'm outta strength and grace. And he took the risk of staying connected instead of backing away or walking away.

Even though i could popped him in his face Friday, I appreciate this. Tremendously.

I realized as I was layin there reading and singing, that something's changing inside me.

I cant explain it or describe it. I just know it's different. Better.

Does nothing for the fact that inside there's still a serious prick in my spirit when a thought is dropped or an image is given that reminds me how real all this is. But that I can take that thought and say,God this hurts.. And then move on to whatever really needs to take up my mental space... I'll take that over the rage that wants so badly to destroy me emotionally in all this.

He's a good man who's made some not-so-good choices. When we dont have anything else, we do have the love that God established in us from the start... Maybe that really will be enough to get us thru this... If he's brave enough to face my pain and his failure, then maybe I am too...

The voice I needed was right. Very right. In the light of day and under the canopy of God's grace & strength, I know she was right. This wont last always. We wont always succeed. And we wont always fail. But we can decide upfront and no matter what to stand...

So... I'm guessing Balloon #4 is gonna be fear of failure...

But this is long and i'm tired of typing and thinking. So i'll work that out tomorrow or something...

I think maybe this is the start of healing.

yay for that!

g'nite,all.