God? I Miss You...

There are posts other than this that are in my drafts that I really want - and probably need - to finish...

But right now, what I need more than anything is just to feel God's arms around me. I just need to feel His presence, His power, and His love.

I've got this one song that has been trying to rise up in my spirit all afternoon.... Donnie McClurkin and Joan Rosario...

Satisfy my soul with the best of heaven

Satisy my soul with the fullness of your love

Satisfy my soul with the best of heaven

Satisfy my soul with the fullness of your love

My soul faints after You, seeking Your presence

My soul faints after You, seeking  Your power

My soul faints after You, seeking Your glory

Satisfy my soul.... satisfy my soul... satisfy my soul with Your love.

As I sit and listen to this song, even while I type this post, tears flood my eyes. Because this is genuinely what I want.

I dont want to be angry at God. I dont want to feel all the things that make me want to go back to my Egypt. I just want to know that God is near.

I miss Him. I miss our closeness. Nobody who knows me would say that I'm distant from God right now.

But I am. And I have been for a while...

There was a time, even at the worst part of this road, when all I wanted was to be near God. If He'd just speak, it made it better, more bearable. At every turn, at every breaking, at every obstacle. As long as He'd speak, I'd follow. But lately, even before the floor fell from under my feet, I haevn't felt that comfort.Or that peace. Not in the way that I crave to feel it.

I mean... He's speaking. I'm hearing. But I dont want to anymore. I just see the burden. And even in the moments when I see the beauty, I'm so absolutely aware of the pain that I just want to block it all out. Because hearing is so hard for me. For the God who I've prayed for years to tell me His secrets, to reveal things to me - even things that are painful for me or that will be painful as they unfold - is such an amazing gift. Such a joy. Such a powerful powerful testimony to what happens if we give ourselves fully and absolutely to Him.

It is an exquisite love.

But it is an exquisite pain.

Absolutely exquisite.

And as much as I wanna run, I want so badly to stay. I want so badly to not be distant from the God who has shown me so many wonderful things. I want to not be angry and not feel betrayed by Him. I want to still believe with all of myself that it's all good, jsut as long as I have His Voice.  I want so much to be able to find peace internally and the quiet place in my spirit that exists because He's become such a friend to me... 

I just want to know He's near.

He told me some weeks ago that He is near and that He will always be with me... I wasn't sure why... But I'm starting to see that I needed that reassurance. Because I don't really feel Him always near right now.

I want to not need someone else's voice to draw me into worship. I want to pick up my journal and note all the stuff He chooses to speak. I want to be someplace other than this place where I'm hiding even from the God who created me.

The absolute hardest part of this is that I can't reconcile my heart with God. I'm angry at Him. Angrier at Him, in fact, than I am at H. Because I know that God is sovereign. And I know that God is in absolute control. I know that this situation is ONLY becuase He didn't stop it. And part of me wants to question that decision on His part. But I can't. Because He's God. I am so angry because He knows how tired I am, how weary, how exhausted, how sad. And He has known. But then He allows this. He allows the one thing that He knew would take me to the very end of everything I can almost wrap my head around.  In fact, one of the very few thigns I asked NOT to have to face, because trust is already such a struggle for me.

How does my God, my friend, who knows me so well deem this best? How can this be? Why would my Lord, who loves me so deeply, betray me? Doesn't He know that i would do anything - anything at all - to please Him? Haven't I proven that? Why would He allow this, and all that comes with it? why would He betray me?

So weary that all I can do, literally at this point, is stand and wait for the stones that are coming.... I was typing a post this morning and the song Stand came to my heart and it stayed until mid-morning. And on the way to work, I had this image. Of me facing a group of people with hands full of stones. And all I could do was stand there and let them throw these rocks at me. I was alone and unprotected. Just a hood on a head that was hung low, trying to shield my face so that nobody would see the pain of that moment. And the stones just kept coming. All I could think was 'they're going to crucify me and there's nothing I can do... There's nothing I can do but let them.'

And the God that I love, my Adonai, He brought me here. He brought me to this place.

After all this time, all this everything... the only way to the promise is death. Death of my own desires and hopes, of my heart, of the rest of my reputation, of more relationships.

After everything else, the very little that's left... He's gonna let them take it.

And He says, I will be with you always.

I cant even begin to articulate where that leaves my heart.. but even now, I want so badly to be pleasing to Him... I just want so badly to please Him. And to know that I can trust Him.

I want so badly to know that life will not always hurt so much; to know that following God will not always leave me broken and lonely and unsure. I want so much to not be afraid of what deeper intimacy with Him will bring. I want so much to experience God on the mountain top instead of in the deepest part of the deepest valley of my life. I want so much to experience His love in a pleasurable place, in a place where there is rest and tranquility NOT borne of adversity.

I'm hungry for a season of close rest and respite with the God that I have come to love with my life.

I just want to know that He's nearby, that I can find Him, that He hasn't left me stumbling in the dark and gasping for air. I was tired before this. I was broken before. I was empty and on fumes a long time ago. I just want to know that He hasn't left me here to perish.

I just want to touch Him... maybe if I can just touch Him...just for a second...