Have you ever just tried to avoid dealing with something? Just decided that even though you know what's up, and you know you really don't look forward to it- really need to face it ahead of time so that when it comes in full you won't drown- that you'd just put it off and deal with it later? Much later?
That has been me lately. Don't get me wrong. Not only did I know it was coming - I've known it for a long time. But now, now it's being made real to me and I'm not really feeling this. I am typically one to face things head-on.
Nah.
Not this time. Not wanting to do that at all.
And because this is one of those times that only the Lord can get me through, that would also mean that I'm not dealing with HIM right now either.
*sigh* I know, I know. Not a good look. Not at all.
All this started right around a month ago. I thought I had gotten a reprieve on something -only to find out (in a more than clear way) that I have not.
Ok. I don't like it, but I can deal with it. Because you see, my way to deal with it is to simply ignore it until it actually MUST be faced and addressed. Easy enough. Pretend it doesn't really impact me - because feelings really don't count anyway - and just keep it moving. Face it when it comes, do what is required, and then suppress it all a little more. Because well, crying and hurting won't change a thing. Woman up and move the heck on.
Works for me.
... or not.
Because apparently on this one, the Lord is not allowing my She-RA-like tendencies to rule. He is, in fact, requiring that I accept that I am not immune to the depth of this thing and the impact it's gonna have.
And I'm angry at Him for it.
Oh I'm not mad just because it's gonna hurt like nothin' else. I'm mad because I WANT MY WAY.
I have realized today that I am angry because He is requiring the one thing I asked that He would NOT require. I am angry because even in the middle of this, I'm STILL held to higher standard than everybody around me. I'm HOT because even in all this - I'm still obligated to other people.
And really at this point - I DON'T WANT TO BE. Let them work all that out on their own. When do I get to be the needy one for a change? When do I get to be taken care of, instead of being repsonsible to be the caretaker? It's not fair, and I don't like it. AT.ALL.
I woke up this morning with the faintest remnants of this blanket of peace I apparently was given in my sleep - which means that something is underfoot. And then I got to work and tried to sit and get focused and talk to Him, only to realize fully that I couldn't get there. AND THEN a big ball of emotion hit me and it dawns on me that I have to face this head-on privately so that I can do what the Lord has instructed without falling apart. Yay. Yay for me.
But not to worry. Me and God have been chattin' it up. And I've already told Him what I'm tellin' ya'll. And do you know what He said: He said He's sovereign. Trust Him. Rest in Him. Hold on to Him. He won't leave me or forsake me.
And for the first time in a long time, I wasn't really interested in any of that. What I wanted Him to say to me is that what He's been preparing me for doesn't have to happen just yet. I want Him to tell me I've been so faithful that He's changed His mind and He will answer my prayer in MY way...
And that is not to be. He has made that abundantly clear. So I asked Him what He wants from me. And He says everything. Well. Let's see. I've already given that. What more is there to give? Exactly what else is left for You to take, because everything that has ever meant anything to me, thus far, You have required. And I have complied. I'm complying now, allbeit, not happily. I am complying. This is the last of what has meant anything at all to me...
And then I cried.
Because I know that even as I have pushed Him away, He has continued to pull me close. Scripture after scripture, passage after passage, confirmation after confirmation. He's making me ready. Giving me all that I need to endure. And all that I need to bear the responsibility that is mine to carry.
That doesn't make this easier. But it does make me know that He is Love. By it's very definition. He IS 1Corinthians13...
The part of me that wants to fight Him is the part that wants one last open door to the old - just in case I get sick of the new. Because even though I know it is time for the old to completely pass away, it's all I know. And it's where I'm comfortable.Where I feel safest. It's been that way all my life. But it won't be anymore. I know that the old isn't His best or His will. I know that I must keep going forward.
But it still hurts. To the core of my soul it hurts.
And then He holds me. He catches my tears. He wraps me in His arms. And He whispers to me:
'I will give you beauty for ashes.'
And slowly - ever so slowly - my heart truly accepts. I will not fight. Because this is not my decision to make. He IS sovereign. He knows best. He loves me. He and I, we've come too far together to turn back now. And if I leave Him now, then what happens to my life? What becomes of me? Who do I have? How do I endure?
I am not my own god. I am not in control of my own destiny. It is not my own will that must prevail, but His. He is infinite in His wisdom and His way. I must not challenge Him. I cannot rebel. Because in giving up everything that I have held dear, I have gained the only thing in this life that is truly valuable.
In losing my life, I have found my King...
Even as my heart breaks and my tears flow, I recognize His Holiness. He is the matchless, perfect God and He is all I need, even in the midst of a storm in which I fear I just might drown.
Lord,
I cannot tell You that I'm happy or sure of this. But I can tell You that I love you more. I love you most. I can make no promises. I can only give you my heart that says I accept Your will. I recognize Your sovereignty. And I will obey You. You promise not to let my feet slip. You promise not to slumber. You promise not to leave or forsake me. You tell me that You will give me rest. That You will give me a peace that passes all understanding. So. I'll hold You to it. Daddy I need You. Draw me close to You and hold me next to Your heart. Let me hide myself in You. Let me burrow myself in the glorious, comforting folds of Your robe and just rest. Let me hear the beat of Your heart. Give me rest. Please. Give me peace. You say 'this is the only way.' You are Jehovah. My God. Elohim. God who is my Strength. El Shaddai. God Almighty. El Roi. God Who Sees. You are my God. In You do I live, move and find my being. Lord I love You. I need You. And I choose You. Not my will, but Your will be done.
In Jesus' Name. I'm sorry for resisting. I surrender and submit. Let it be as You have ordained.
Amen.
That has been me lately. Don't get me wrong. Not only did I know it was coming - I've known it for a long time. But now, now it's being made real to me and I'm not really feeling this. I am typically one to face things head-on.
Nah.
Not this time. Not wanting to do that at all.
And because this is one of those times that only the Lord can get me through, that would also mean that I'm not dealing with HIM right now either.
*sigh* I know, I know. Not a good look. Not at all.
All this started right around a month ago. I thought I had gotten a reprieve on something -only to find out (in a more than clear way) that I have not.
Ok. I don't like it, but I can deal with it. Because you see, my way to deal with it is to simply ignore it until it actually MUST be faced and addressed. Easy enough. Pretend it doesn't really impact me - because feelings really don't count anyway - and just keep it moving. Face it when it comes, do what is required, and then suppress it all a little more. Because well, crying and hurting won't change a thing. Woman up and move the heck on.
Works for me.
... or not.
Because apparently on this one, the Lord is not allowing my She-RA-like tendencies to rule. He is, in fact, requiring that I accept that I am not immune to the depth of this thing and the impact it's gonna have.
And I'm angry at Him for it.
Oh I'm not mad just because it's gonna hurt like nothin' else. I'm mad because I WANT MY WAY.
I have realized today that I am angry because He is requiring the one thing I asked that He would NOT require. I am angry because even in the middle of this, I'm STILL held to higher standard than everybody around me. I'm HOT because even in all this - I'm still obligated to other people.
And really at this point - I DON'T WANT TO BE. Let them work all that out on their own. When do I get to be the needy one for a change? When do I get to be taken care of, instead of being repsonsible to be the caretaker? It's not fair, and I don't like it. AT.ALL.
I woke up this morning with the faintest remnants of this blanket of peace I apparently was given in my sleep - which means that something is underfoot. And then I got to work and tried to sit and get focused and talk to Him, only to realize fully that I couldn't get there. AND THEN a big ball of emotion hit me and it dawns on me that I have to face this head-on privately so that I can do what the Lord has instructed without falling apart. Yay. Yay for me.
But not to worry. Me and God have been chattin' it up. And I've already told Him what I'm tellin' ya'll. And do you know what He said: He said He's sovereign. Trust Him. Rest in Him. Hold on to Him. He won't leave me or forsake me.
And for the first time in a long time, I wasn't really interested in any of that. What I wanted Him to say to me is that what He's been preparing me for doesn't have to happen just yet. I want Him to tell me I've been so faithful that He's changed His mind and He will answer my prayer in MY way...
And that is not to be. He has made that abundantly clear. So I asked Him what He wants from me. And He says everything. Well. Let's see. I've already given that. What more is there to give? Exactly what else is left for You to take, because everything that has ever meant anything to me, thus far, You have required. And I have complied. I'm complying now, allbeit, not happily. I am complying. This is the last of what has meant anything at all to me...
And then I cried.
Because I know that even as I have pushed Him away, He has continued to pull me close. Scripture after scripture, passage after passage, confirmation after confirmation. He's making me ready. Giving me all that I need to endure. And all that I need to bear the responsibility that is mine to carry.
That doesn't make this easier. But it does make me know that He is Love. By it's very definition. He IS 1Corinthians13...
The part of me that wants to fight Him is the part that wants one last open door to the old - just in case I get sick of the new. Because even though I know it is time for the old to completely pass away, it's all I know. And it's where I'm comfortable.Where I feel safest. It's been that way all my life. But it won't be anymore. I know that the old isn't His best or His will. I know that I must keep going forward.
But it still hurts. To the core of my soul it hurts.
And then He holds me. He catches my tears. He wraps me in His arms. And He whispers to me:
'I will give you beauty for ashes.'
And slowly - ever so slowly - my heart truly accepts. I will not fight. Because this is not my decision to make. He IS sovereign. He knows best. He loves me. He and I, we've come too far together to turn back now. And if I leave Him now, then what happens to my life? What becomes of me? Who do I have? How do I endure?
I am not my own god. I am not in control of my own destiny. It is not my own will that must prevail, but His. He is infinite in His wisdom and His way. I must not challenge Him. I cannot rebel. Because in giving up everything that I have held dear, I have gained the only thing in this life that is truly valuable.
In losing my life, I have found my King...
Even as my heart breaks and my tears flow, I recognize His Holiness. He is the matchless, perfect God and He is all I need, even in the midst of a storm in which I fear I just might drown.
Lord,
I cannot tell You that I'm happy or sure of this. But I can tell You that I love you more. I love you most. I can make no promises. I can only give you my heart that says I accept Your will. I recognize Your sovereignty. And I will obey You. You promise not to let my feet slip. You promise not to slumber. You promise not to leave or forsake me. You tell me that You will give me rest. That You will give me a peace that passes all understanding. So. I'll hold You to it. Daddy I need You. Draw me close to You and hold me next to Your heart. Let me hide myself in You. Let me burrow myself in the glorious, comforting folds of Your robe and just rest. Let me hear the beat of Your heart. Give me rest. Please. Give me peace. You say 'this is the only way.' You are Jehovah. My God. Elohim. God who is my Strength. El Shaddai. God Almighty. El Roi. God Who Sees. You are my God. In You do I live, move and find my being. Lord I love You. I need You. And I choose You. Not my will, but Your will be done.
In Jesus' Name. I'm sorry for resisting. I surrender and submit. Let it be as You have ordained.
Amen.
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