You know... for the first time in my life, I'm learning to not intellectualize things. That seriously is probably one of my greatest strengths AND one of my greatest weaknesses. I say that because on the one hand, it allows me to be very cut and dry - and that is extremely useful when I need to accomplish the task at hand irrespective of how I FEEL about said task... BUT when I need to engage my heart to accomplish a task fully, then well... a sista can be pretty lost...
Again, this revelation came as I was preparing tomorrow's Love Dare post. One of my favorite ways to study scritpure is to define all the words in the verse. I like to break it down to it's most simple form; I want to be sure I get the FULL meaning. And w/the dares, I've done that for some posts - as a matter of fact, for all the posts containing instructions. But this post. I was SO gonna do that... but all I could think was, 'listen with your heart. share what God gives you.' -- not that He doesnt give me the rest,but you know...
One thing He continues to admonish me about is engaging my heart, giving H full access, trusting him fully w/me again... And well... ummmm...
Yes Sir.
Because it wasn't a question or a request. It has been a continual instruction. For days now He has been saying to me 'Break old patterns with H'... I finally was still enough to hear the rest. What it comes down to is that I don't have to think so hard. I can just relax and let it be what it is.
Seriously.
A curious thing has happened yet again in all this... I trust our friendship. And I'm learning to trust that God is doing the same thing with H right now that He's been doing with me. God's told me a lot of things privately that I wont give away; but suffice it to say... all that God has said to me has confirmed what I've known all along in my heart: this playing field needed to be leveled.
Relationships require balance.
And that only way that's gonna happen for us is if I break the habit of using my intellect and my ability to appear always in control and aloof as a way 1) to block what I feel and 2) to get to H. Because the one thing he hates the most in the world is to not be able to ruffle feathers. So. No matter how much I'm ruffled inside, I RARELY let him glimpse it outside. Me staying IN control is a sure way to rattle his cage. And blocking my feeelings... well... that's a lifelong coping mechanism.
Hmmm... so... I've been re-thinking our last conversation and wanting to feel like maybe I was tooooo raw. But seriously. I said what was on my mind and what was in my heart. And aint nothing wrong with that.
Don't get me wrong. Im pretty sure that I failed in there somewhere. But so be it. Because at this point, he needs truth and a good dose of the reality that is this situation he's created for us. And I need to know that I can give him ALL of me and he not punk out.
He has always had (taken) the liberty to speak his mind on most occasions. And I've held my tongue more often than not for the sake of doing the right thing. But... not so much anymore. I mean, that's not to say that I'mma just talk to him crazy on a whim and for everything I can find to be irritated about. Not at all.
But it is to say that I'm giving myself some freedom here. I'm gonna honor the lines of respect. I'm gonna do my best to not cross the line. But I'm not gonna be so quick to shut my ownself down when there's something that's better honestly addressed, than fretted over and ultimately that gives me reason to distance myself. Because the fact is, speaking up means that the air is clear and nobody has to be on pins & needles - especially me.
and... honestly... it also takes away what HE feels to be his most effective weapon when we disagree: the threat of distance or silence. I mean because really. It is what it is. And you don't get to do the wrong thing and cause all sorts of other stuff and then play victim...
It felt absolutely amazing to speak up. Seriously it did. It felt WONDERFUL to call him on some things and WATCH his face register the shock that he wasn't able to turn the table or manipulate me into silence. Dont get me wrong. I do not relish his discomfort or his pain.
But I absolutely appreciate that there is some sort of awareness now that my heart is not to be toyed with.
What he does with that knowledge... well... it is what it is... but balance between us is more than valuable to me at this point.
And if it means that I'm less controlled emotionally, that I let my imperfection show more in our relationship, that I allow my internal 'messiness' (as in, not always put together, not always poised, and composed) to breathe a bit more freely - then so be it. Because this old pattern needs to be broken.
He's not the only one who gets to demand that he be accepted for ALL of who he is. Fa real. The least he can do is return the favor and give me the same absolute love, commitment, and devotion, in spite of the things he might FEEL makes it difficult to be with me. Cuz really. I'm not that bad. Not at all.
I can expect some reciprocity. And I can expect the freedom to really be me.
And really, he needs to be ok with that..
So. Too raw or not. It doesn't matter. What matters to me right now at this moment in time is that he understands his choices: walk away in full, for real... or return and stay. in full and for real. But whichever he chooses, it needs to be done with the clear knowledge that I am who I am and I have no intention of hiding any parts of that any longer, just for the sake of his comfort or convenience.
Not even a little bit. Not anymore and not ever again.
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