Dude... Seriously...

I am fat. Let me etablish this from the beginning.

This weekend we had a family reunion. I found a spot and stayed in it most of the evening. I was tired and wasn't really feeling it to begin with; I went out of obligation. I don't play cards. I barely play dominoes. In general I'm totally outta my element at those sorts of functions. I'm much more at ease if I'm working than if I'm just a guest. Working keeps me busy and out of the limelight - just the way I like it.

Oh, and let me add that part of my tired was that we had just spent several hours in the sun and the pool that same morning. I had had a late night Friday night and then was up at before day a.m. Saturday because my dad decided that I should want to go on a walk with them and the dog. I didn't go, but I did get up. So. By 5pm, I was tired and really just wanted to rest. And since being with people is NOT my idea of rest... u get the idea.

All this comes because of a conversation me and my dad had this morning. Seriously, he made me cry. "I'm worried about you. You avoid people because you are self-conscious of your weight. You are such an extrovert. You love people. I dont want your life to pass you by." And I'm sitting thinking, all this because I stayed to myself at a get together.

A couple things: Mind you, I was already overly sensitive because he looked at me with pity and worry and disappointment at 6:45 am Saturday morning because I didnt' want to go walking. 1) I am not a nature girl. Me and the outside are not buds. Haven't been ever in my life and I doubt we're falling in love anytime soon. 2) I just flat didn't want to get up before day to bond with the family. Seriously.

So. Fast forward to this morning and my frustration is two-fold. Lets conquer the easy one first: the fat-girl thing. I have always been fat by everybody else's standards. It has always been much more of an issue for other people than it has for me. In high-school I looked at myself and was pretty pleased with what I saw reflected back. In adulthood, I have been pretty ok with myself. I have begun to truly want to lose weight for health reasons, but as to my confidence -for the most part that has remained (and still is) in tact.

My dad (you had to know) has been the one withe BIGGEST issue of all. Add insult to injury, I actually HAVE begun taking small steps toward my goal. The real issue is this: I DO NOT like to exercise. Never have, seriously doubt I ever will. I like certain activities because well, I see them as enjoyable. Walking and biking and all that are not necessarily fun to me. So, given the choice I will most likely not elect to get up before day to walk several miles or ride several miles for ANY reason. Exercise will have to be a learned discipline for me and will most likely be a couple miles on a treadmill or a 45minute ride on a stationary bike.

And that's ok.

The other part is this: I do not want to work-out with my dad. He's critical and it messes me up. I don't like eating in front of him as it is and for me, when I set out to accomplish something personal to me, it has to remain that way. PERSONAL. I am like a deer-in-headlights otherwise. This is a me and God thing. And I frankly just don't want to share that with anybody besides my man. This is one of those intimate things for me that I want to be an 'us' thing. There is a comfort there that I have that I can trust him not to judge, but to encourage and to support - and to do it with me. And that is as I believe it should be.

Moving on.

My lack of comfort in groups.

I AM self-conscious. Because usually I'm being doted on or fawned over. I don't like to be the center of attention, positively or negatively. I prefer anonymity. Always have. I am NOT an extrovert. I am NOT a people person. I don't even take compliments well. (I have no idea how to respond without sounding dorky or conceited.) I have just learned that sometimes I can't be by myself so I have to learn to deal with people in a way that doesn't leave them feeling judged or criticized. Being with people is work for me. My natural tendency is to analyze and to watch. It makes everybody else uneasy because it translates as very quiet and not very warm. And, frankly, I feel very judged in groups of people. My family, to be exact. Everybody expects something from me. Everybody wants something. Everybody thinks they know who I am. And none of 'em really truly get it. My own immediate family has been so critical and judgemental the last few years that I all but shut-down with them. I sincerely don't like it. Call it what you like. I just dont like it. They don't like my man. They dont' like my job.They don't like my friends. They don't like my spiritual life. I'm jealous. I'm mean. I'm judgemental. I'm critical of everybody else and it's WRONG. But they can all do ME that way and it's all good. NOT REALLY. I'm SO over putting myself out there to be scrutinized. I'm really good to be left alone.

I told my dad honestly the way I feel about the whole 'judged' thing. And his answer was that when I truly get comfortable with my 'lot' and truly know where I fit I wont' be hurt by people's perception. Dude seriously, I know that for YOU feelings don't matter. But for me, in spite of your best effort to teach me otherwise, they absolutely do matter. I know my lot. I've accepted it and I know where I fit. I JUST DON'T LIKE IT. And it leaves me feeling hurt and abandoned more often than not. And for right now that's just the honest truth. In time, when I'm feeling more like the Lord has proven that I haven't lost my whole mind, I'll probably feel better about it all, but right now, in this season: it hurts. And that hurt comes from my family. And so I dont' do well with too much too often.


In all this talking, Dr. Suess couldn't manage to listen. He decided he knows me better than I know me. And he continued to worry. And then he was hurt that I was not in a great mood. Dude. I am a GIRL. We are nit-wits by nature. My emotions were all outta wack and I just wasn't right. But it will pass. Because that's just how it is. And really, that's ok too. Because the Lord did not make me to see or respond to things like a man would. He made me female and womanly and all that goes with it. It's ok for me to accept it and to sometimes simply let that part of me have it's way. Nobody will die if I lose it once every six months for approximately 24 hours. Sheesh.

I did not hide out because I'm fat. I hid out because I'm tired of all the dramatics and the tensions that I feel with my family. LAWD HAVE MERCY. Can a girl not just want a break?

DA-RA-MA, people. DRAMA & KA-FLAMA.

*sigh* Oh well. Can't win 'em all, can ya?

Family

You know, family so often is the source of frustration, tension, hurt, and conflict. But they're still family.

As I'm working thru some things, what I realized yesterday during a conversation with a friend is that my family is seriously ride-or-die. The last few years have been difficult and stressful, but as flawed and as messed up as we all are, they love me. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I love them the same.

There's not a thing in this world that they wouldn't do for me or give for me if I needed. As many trials as have come our way, there have been that many more great moments to recall and hold tightly. My will and theirs may not always match. My passions and theirs may be different from each other. And my perspective on life, faith, love and lots of things may be based on a different set of experiences pesonally than theirs. But none of that - absolutely none of that - changes the fact that what they want for me is what I want for myself: God's very best for my life.

They love Him. They love me. And at some point, those two will fall in line together, and His best for me will look the same for us all.

As one season ends and another begins, I am recognizing what a gift family is. We go thru seasons together. And sometimes separately. We learn together. But sometimes at different paces. No matter, family is ALWAYS family. Love is love. And right now, that means the world to me.

The season is changing. The landscape of my family is changing. We have gained some people; we will lose some. There will be births and deaths, marriages and divorces, and always that blacksheep. But even with all that, we are all that we have. And I cherish them.

Lord, thank you for the family You've given me... Thank you that they love me with a passion that really is nothing short of amazing. As transition knocks on our door, please ready us. Hold us close, make us brave, teach us how. Not our will, but Yours. Not our way, but Yours. Forgive us. Cleanse us and move us into the large place that You have reserved just for us. Reveal destinies, break curses, destroy strongholds. Open eyes and ears, hearts, minds, and spirits to experience You in a new fresh way. Keep Your promises to our fathers and their fathers before them. As for me and my house, we will serve You alone, Oh God. We will serve You alone.

In Christ' holy name, amen.

Iris is the host of this meme. Pop in and visit. There's lots more of this good stuff.

I Want So Bad to Be SO Pleasing

I want so BADLY to be pleasing to the Lord. I want SO much to do what He wants. And then humanity strikes and I find that *gasp* sometimes I'm just a spoiled little brat who pouts and throws fits and has tantrums because she doesn't understand or it doesn't look like it's gonna ever be right.

I get scared and uneasy and I panic. Because I'm human. And sometimes that stuff just wins out over being all faithful and confident. And sometimes I even threaten to just quit and not do ANY more because I'M SICK OF THIS RIDE.

Yeah.

And then the Lord speaks to me. And instead of speaking to me harshly, He simply gives me direction. Simply walks me through the fit and lets me get it all out. And then, once I'm done and once I surrender, He comforts. And He confirms. And He restores me. And He says something like 'you have pleased Me, not because you got it right, but because your heart stayed firm in me. You did not give up. You did not walk away. You did not quit. You chose me ANYWAY. Your heart is Mine and I am pleased.'

For that, I am thankful. That in my humanity and my failure, God still finds me redeemable, loveable, and pleasing.

I am thankful.

The Beauty of Holiness

This phrase has been on my mind for a while now... still pondering it. Wonder what it means. Anyone have any ideas? Care to share? I thought this might be a nice discussion topic for us.

ro

Ten Things Tuesday... Even Though Its REALLY Wednesday

Jill. I'm slow. What can i tell ya? My bad.

Now. On to the list.

It is 8:23 am and I need to think of ten things that already make today great...

hmmm...

Rosheeda, you've got ten things. I just know u do.

Ok. Ok. I'll see what I can do. Here goes!

1. I woke up this morning blanketed in peace. Warm and comfy. Rested and ready to move.
2. I have discovered that I have a level of self-control that is foreign to me in recent weeks.
3. God's grace to allow that new self-control was brought to mind as I walked up the steps to my office this morning.
4. My heart is full of worship. Because God is who He says He is.
5. I have a nephew that may as well be my son, that I love dearly and who loves me the same.
6. I am able to talk to my mom a little more freely than I have in a long time.
7. This bloggy carnival - because it makes me appreciate the small things
8. Great friendships -ones that have seen me through many rough seasons and that, even though they have taken a different dynamic recently, are still as special to me as they were from the very first.
9. Today is Wednesday. This week is 1/2 done.
10. I am happy. Gleeful, Even. Clay has had major personal victory this week and I am SO proud of him it's ridiculous!

This is a great bloggy carnival. Jill! Thanks for hosting. :0)

Don't know who Jill is? Click on the fantastic button in this post, or click the link right here... it says Jill Brownstone. And that should answer all your questions!

Crazy Faith

It seems that everything I've heard over the last few days is about faith. Crazy faith at that. And I've needed the reminder.

Faith is so unreasonable. Makes no good sense at all. It's a stab in the (natural) dark. Literally all u got is a hope and a prayer - well, outside the obvious belief in God.

I wonder how Noah felt when he set about building the ark? Hmmm... I bet his thoughts had to be along the lines of: "Man this is crazy. I'm building a ... BOAT! Noone's ever even heard of such a thing. Getting measurements from heaven, spending all this time and so far we've never even seen RAIN. (or maybe they had seen rain, but certainly not enough to warrant a boat). What am I s'posed to do with this thing once it's built, just look at it from a distance and admire my handiwork? For real, God?! A BOAT?! I look a complete nut creating this thing from some heavenly words and what-not. My people think I've lost my mind. And honestly sometimes I think I have too. But oh well. You said build the thing. You're God so I guess you would know what You're doin. ...Eh! Lemme finish with this freakin' thing. The last thing I need is an angry Heavenly Being all up in my grill."

LOL I know. Im silly. But for real. The idea of this boat had to have been just as absurd to Noah as the idea of this being a real conversation with God.

That it, it was silly and absurd until rain started falling and just didn't stop. I bet then all them jokas were glad Noah had spent all that time w/all those heavenly measurements and what-not.

Which is just so totally convicting. Because (1) If Noah had to build a boat, why ever would I think I dont have to stay at a crazy job? Or be in a surprising relational situation? I'm not above that same crazy direction from God. Not at all.

And (2), if this whole thing was to save a remnant and start over, Noah building this thing was not at all about him. It was about the REST of humanity. And if Noah wasn't above lookin a crazy mess in order to save the human race, surely I'm not above the inconvenience of being obedient so other people stand a fighting chance to accept whatever God wants them to get from this...

For real. I bet those same cats who called Noah silly and ignant for building that thing felt some kinda way when he and his family got in the boat along w/some of the animals and they had to WATCH as Noah and his peeps drifted on away. Not to mention the family. Cuz we all know that THEY are the ones who will work a nerve. I bet his kids were all 'My bad daddy! We didn't know. We sorry. Don't be mad, k?' *insert puppy dog eyes here*

I mean really. Just imagine that scene. Noah had to be like 'oh. Noooow you wanna believe somebody. Been talkin' lip all this time and NOW cuz u dont wanna DROWN you wanna be my best friend. Get outta here! ... ... *sigh* 'Fine! C'mon. Get your people and get in so we can go! We dont have all day now!', as he steps aside to grant them passage...

Crazy faith. It is so not about us. And we are so not above looking crazy for a greater cause and the best interest of others. Certainly not when Noah's obedience is the reason I'm even sitting here typing this post... Think about that. Had he not built a boat to save a remnant, what's the likelihood humanity would still be on earth?!

Mind-bogglin.

Lemme take this big-girl pill and finish building this frikkin' boat. :D
ro

Granny

I miss my Granny.

I would give anything in the world right now to be next to her. I'd give anything to hear her voice and to have the privilege just one more time of drinking in her wisdom.

She'd tell me what to do. And I wouldn't have to say a word. She'd just tell me what to do. Because that's how it always was.

And I could ask all the questions in my heart.

I just want my granny.

It's FRIDAY!!!!

Girly Comments & Graphics

have a great weekend, gang!

An Attitude Adjustment

Ok. So.

It's time to get over myself and stop singin' this same song.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not quite over all this yet, but really. I'm workin on that.God's workin on that.

But I need to just keep it real with myself. I know God too well to be surprised by such a circumstance. I also know Him to well to keep on asking why me. Cuz really.The only answer to that is why NOT me. I'm thinking too highly of myself and I need to allow God to reign that in.

And I've also been in love with my man long enough to understand how he works. More than anything, more than anybody, HE NEEDS THIS. If we have any hope of a life that truly honors God, on both sides of this fence and that opens the door for real freedom for us with eachother and our children, he needs this. And I need to embrace this process with him.

There are a lot of things that can be said by a lot of people about us both. But the fact of the matter is that none of those people are so important that we can afford to sacrifice rather than to obey. Not at all.

In a wierd way, it's just as hard letting go of the hurt as it is to allow myself to feel the hurt. Because letting go leaves me vulnerable and wide open to something I dont know and that I cant really understand on an intellectual level. And since my fall back has always been my intellect and the ability to analyze and make sense of it, that's significantly uncomfortable for me.

But the reality is that I truly do understand in my spirit why this needs to be. God has given me the gift of knowledge in this season like nothing else I've ever known. And even if He hadn't chosen to give me that giftt, what right exactly do I have to question the how's and the why's of His work? He's God and I'm not. I don't get a vote. And I need to recognize my place as a servant in His kingdom.

He has given me everything I need to endure and to come out of this victorious, life in tact, and living the promise He gave for us.

It's time to let go.

God had a word for me just a few days before all this started. My uncle gave it to me. He gave me a few keys and a few insights and it would serve me well to hold them close to my heart. And to walk in the wisdom of the revelation God was so gracious to allow him to give.

1) There is a war goin on. This is not about people. Not me and not even him. Nor is it really even about all the other players currently on this field. It is about generations to come. The legacy God wants to establish in us for our children our grandchildren their children and so forth. I need to not be so selfish to think that this is all about the moment right now.

2) I have authority to stand against this. We have authority in heaven on earth and under the earth. And I need to walk in it. I need to act like I know how to live in the power of that authority. I dont have to turn any part of this over to the enemy. Not at all. I need to act like I know who I am.

3) Don't do what's natural do what's right. I kept telling my uncle, it just doesn't feel right. He said to me, it's not that it doesn't feel right. It DOES feel right, because your spirit is in the lead. God is leading you. It just doesn't feel natural. Because it goes against what your flesh wants. 'Don't do what's natural. Do what's right.' I know what's right. I've known from the start. God told me plainly several years ago my response to all that comes w/him until He specifically tells me differently: STAY. No matter what I feel, what matters is what God calls right.

4) God is in control. He's Sovereign. Don't take life so seriously. And God himself spoke to me yesterday that this situation is not nearly as bad as what I feel it to be. It's really not. I need to accept the truth of His soverignty and just keep it moving. Cuz as serious as this all is, this is NOT something that ten years from will hold any power in our reality. Not at all.

It's time for me to walk as a (wo)man in love and not act like a child who's feelings are hurt because it's just NOT fair. At the end of the day, at the end of the road, that doesn't matter. What matters is that God is glorified and that lives are preserved as a result of this journey to His grace.

So I'm workin on it. I'm workin on getting over me.

Normalcy

It's been so long since I've had anything that resembles a 'normal' life (my normal, anyway) that I think I've forgotten what it's like.

I don't remember what it's like to get bills that YOU are responsible for.

I don't remember what it's like to really come and go as I please, with no worries about somebody having something to say.

I haven't had the pleasure of indulging in a bath - not a shower, but a for real actual BATH - in almost a year. And that is a shame.

Cooking? We won't even go there. Tried for a while. Didn't work. Haven't really cooked in months.

And MY GOODNESS - ALONE TIME. It has been SO long since I've had a REAL dose of by myself-ness. And I THRIVE on that. I'm no good without it.

Played my own music: NOPE

Driven my own car: NOPE

And the most important of all this: Relationally, I just cannot tell you the headache of it all. It has been so long since we've had a normal pattern to what we do and when. And even where.

And finally. I think there is some light at the end of this tunnel. The tide is changing. HALLELUJAH!!!!!

I woke up this morning and the first feeling I had was anticipation. The first thought was, 'it will be so nice to have some normalcy in our relationship again'.

This place is one in which I haven't allowed myself to indulge because I knew that if what I was expecting didn't come to pass, I'd be devastated. And I wasn't really feeling all the emotional drama that comes with devastation.

But now, that hope is manifesting and I'm feeling ok with planning and preparing. And all I can think of is: Wow. Not too far from now, I will be able to laze around my own place on a Saturday again and watch tv with Clay all day if we want. Or get up on Sunday and go to church then come home and cook dinner for us. Or hell, even just enjoy him coming over after you know SUNSET and not feeling like 'OMG. They gon' think I'm trickin' because of the time.

People, I cannot WAIT! I have so seriously missed that intimacy with Clay. And althought neither of us has outright said it, it has taken a serious toll on our relationship me living at home. Neither of us knew if we'd make it under those conditions and both of us knew that if we DID make it, we'd be headed toward a future together.

We made it. And now we can look at what building a life together looks like. (Which is good, because otherwise I'd remain single and have lots of dogs - because I don't do cats. And I am NOT interested in investing all that time in learning somebody new all over again. I know Clay and I'll live with him happily forever - especially if it avoids having to go thru all that new relationship bs all over again.)

That thought this morning is a milestone. Because in a few weeks (maybe less) it will come to fruition and I cannot WAIT to be all excited and ON MY OWN again.

Say a prayer for a sista, ok? That I can readjust easily to my re-entry into the Land of the Grown People. And that the things that need to fall into place financially on my part and some others, do, so that there is no delaying my run for the border,k?

THANKS.

Blessings guys.
Ro

PS- Darius, I don't do puppy kisses on the mouth. They can lick the face or the hand. But not the mouth. I don't like human slobber, much less slobber of the animal variety. =0)

Today It Begins

Luke 4:18-19
18"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, 19to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Wow. I have kept this to myself, but finally I'm free (& ready) to share. Today is the last day of my 40 days. And what a journey.

40 days of sacrifice.
40 days of waiting and not being sure just how to feel.
40 days of anticipating what comes next.
40 days with Jesus.

Luke 4 is the story of how Christ was led to the wilderness and tempted. How he fasted the 40 days and then satan tempted him 3times. And that when he had resisted that final time, satan left him.

I have been in the practice of fasting for quite a while now; we do it at church annually, and the last couple of years I've begun doing it on my own regularly as well. So, while it hasn't been routine, it has been pretty common-place in my life. Well, I got to the place in my journey where the only way to see the promises of the Lord come to pass was to seriously commit myself to fasting on a different level. So on Monday, March 17 I started a 40-day fast.

In the last 40 days, I have discovered so much about truly how powerful the Lord is to work in our lives if we just release them to Him and allow Him to reign. At one point I was discouraged, thinking I couldn't possibly stick it out until day 40. My body was craving everything I wasn't supposed to have, my family situation seemingly regressed and we were having undue dramatics. My man LOST HIS MIND right before the new family dramatics. And then let's not even go there about work. Not at all. And this was all in a two week time span. At you know, day 26. Almost done. More than 1/2 way there. And wanting to QUIT. I thought it would get easier as the days passed. How wrong was I??? Because the tempation was not only just for food. It was for my heart. My conduct. My level of obedient submission IN ADDITION TO my food sacrifice. And the farther along I went, the harder the battle for my heart got. I haven't experienced such an intense attack spiritually in a REALLY long time. And all in the course of 3 days literally all hell broke loose. And I was left with a decision to make: press forward or give in and throw away all that work.

I chose to press. And in the process of that choosing, I started seeing the Lord's word to me start to come to pass. Things that He revealed to me long ago are taking place now and I'm looking and saying 'wow'. And in my own life, for my own self, there are things I've been asking for and longing for. And fasting was the only way for those things to be released. And over the course of 39 1/2 days (because today is only 1/2way over *grins*) I've started seeing pieces fall into place in a way I just could not have imagined.

Day 15 , the Lord told me: 'Your fast has been ordained by Me. Do not doubt your ability to complete it.'

Today is day 40. And because of His grace, I have stood victorious. I woke this morning to the Father's praise and congratulations because I obeyed Him in this thing. And Wednesday as I spent some focused time with Him, Me gave to me the promise at the start of this post:

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Truly, this has been an amazing time. I am overwhelmed at how this has worked. It seems like 40 days just started. And in some ways, I don't want it to end. I can't even articulate how I feel right now, except for a sense of jubilation. A sense of accomplishment. A sense of completion. I feel like doors that have been locked shut for a really long time are opening up right now, even as I type this post. I believe that God has waited patiently on me to get to this place in my life to be responsible enough and surrenedered enough to receive all that He has been wanting to give to me. I believe that just like with the Messiah, the fruits of this will be immediately evident in my life. I believe that this has unlocked doors for other people, too, to receive what God has in their own lives. It is a blessing and a privilege to be able to share that this journey is complete, as of midnight tonight.

The closer the hour gets, the more my spirit soars. I would never have known God this way without this last 40 days. The powe of the Holy Spirit is great and my God is greatly to be praised.

A deep worship rests upon me right now. A deep abiding knowledge of how powerful God is and how much He loves me. A deep-seated need to praie Him and to honor His patient endurance in His pursuit of my heart. A deep spiritual clarity that His grace is sufficient and His mercies are new every morning. A true sense that today is the day it all begins. Everything. All of it.

And I praise the God that I serve, whom I now confidently call my own because He is THE God who does all things well.

Peace and Blessings. And may all grace abound to each of you who read this and who are touched by the words of our Lord.

Ro

Lord,
I worship You. Thank you for Your Love. Habakkuk 1:5. I will stand and watch and be amazed at all You do. I love You.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.
rosheeda

My Military Men

So, this morning we found out that one of my uncles is going to be sent to Iraq late this fall.

And just before he came home on leave a few weeks ago, we found out that my OTHER uncle is being sent back to Kuwait for 13 months.

These two uncles are brothers - the only 2 brothers out of 4 siblings. My oldest uncle is in the reserves and has been to Kuwait once already in the last few years. My youngest uncle (who is actually younger than me) just went into the military a year ago. He has finished basic and all the job training and stuff and was just sent to Georgia. In fact, he has only been there for 5 days.

The oldest uncle will come to Texas in July and will be here for a month or so before he is deployed. The youngest will go to New York in July and will be there for 30 days. He will then return to Georgia (and maybe come home if he can - but I doubt it, since he JUST took two weeks leave) to get his affairs in order, before he is deployed in October or November.

My oldest uncle was in the service forever and he has pretty much always been away from home, so it isn't unusual for him to not be here - even now, because when he and his family moved back to the contiguous states from Hawaii, they moved to SC to be near his wife's mom. Nobody's thrilled about his deployment, but it isn't really all that different than the norm we've always had w/him.

Now, CJ on the other hand (not his name, but obviously for his privacy) has never been away from home - as in, no more than a few steps from my grandparents, and no more than a few minutes from the rest of us. The military is still new to us for him. He wanted it, he worked hard to accomplish it, and he really enjoys it. It has been very good for him. And we are all extremely proud of him.

But...

I dont want him in Iraq. None of us do really. I love both my uncles, but my youngest uncle and I grew up more as cousins than as Uncle/niece. When my mom told me about his deployment this morning, I felt some kinda way about that. A little sick. A little sad. A little... somethin... some kinda way.

Not thrilled about my Uncle-Uncle goin, but my Uncle-cousin... well, it's just different.

Really really different.

However, even with all that I feel, I am extremely proud of them both, especially CJ. The military was a big step for him and a pivotal point in his life. He's done well and I know he's gonna go far. Extremely far. And my Uncle-Uncle. What can I say? He's just phenomenal. An absolutely wonderful human.

They both love our country and our family. What more can we ask?!

I guess I'm gonna be a praying girl, until both our men are safe and sound, and home with us where they belong.

Thank you Uncle Jr. and CJ. We love you and we are so proud of you both. Hopefully we'll get to hug both your necks before you leave. And if we don't, you know we're with you in sprit (how cliche' but u know it's the truth) =)

Hugs & Kisses.
We love ya'll!

(and um, can both u jokas get Facebook so we can communicate?! Thanks!)

Rosheeda

Lord,
Protect our fellas. Please bring them home safe and sound, no worse for the wear, and changed profoundly - for Your Glory and their good. Show us how to pray and help us to trust You in this. Put a protective loving arm around my grandparents - especially my grandmother. Allow them to rest in You and to know that You will take care of Your sons. Build thier relationships with you and use them each for Your Glory. May they grow where they are planted.

In Jesus' Name, I ask these things.
Amen.

You're Ready - and I'll Prove It

"God I know it's time for what You've promised. But now that it's here, I'm not so sure I'm ready."

"You're ready. More ready than you know. There will be one collaborative set of circumstances that will prove just how ready you are to walk into this new season."

And once again. God told me the absolute truth.

This ball that's rolling? I dont even know where to start. Me and H are aiight. But on the family front, things have just gone HAYWIRE.

I dont even know where to start with all this, but .... I gotta figure it out, so I dont lose my mind.

Have mercy.

If ya think on it, would you just ask Jesus to give my family peace? We're gonna need it.

Later, ya'll
Ro

Beauty

God calls me Beautiful.

And that is a revelation that has long been lost on me.

Because He doesn't mean just physically beautiful, or just that a piece of my inner self is beautiful. He finds me COMPLETELY beautiful. Fully made in His image. Fully breathtaking. Fully striking.

He looks at me and He sees me in full color, shape, and dimension. And He finds every part, every emotion, every sensitivity, every cry of my heart, every detail of me... beautiful. Because, afterall, I am HIS creation.

Not that I'm perfect. And not that He is pleased with my sin or my failure. But that the heart of me is something He finds worthy of full embrace and acceptance and love. He finds me beautiful.

I know this all seems strange. I thought me and God had worked this out already, but apparently I stoppped before HE finished - and being Himself, He waited until I would invite Him in, to take me deeper into this thing of unveiling my beauty...

He set me up. Set me up to see that I cannot possibly get from others what I am unable to also give to them.

You see, I am not a fan of closeness - but not necessarily because someone has done something to me. It is really because I have always feared being fully known; I have always feared that if people were to know me well - to know my truth, my idiocyncrasies, my goofy tendencies, my high-strungness, and all the other pieces of the intimate puzzle that is me - that they would not like me. I feared that if I let them in, they would eventually find the one thing about me that would make me not good enough for them.

But I would never really have said all this out loud. And I have never really been put in a position to have it tested in an extreme way. I have close friends, intimate relationships and such. And I've learned to be ok with intimacy in that context.

HOWEVER. Then comes a relationship that is far more intimate than even the closest of frienships I've permitted myself to establish. There is this pesky thing of being known. Of NEEDING to be known. Deeply and fully and freely.

And God in His Sovereignty, met me right where I was. And took me deeper than I thought I could handle.

Now, I get it. I understand it better.

I am beautiful. Worthy of knowing and being known. Created in His image and purposed to do amazing things in my sphere of influence.

How very freeing this is.

And what a Mighty God I serve.

Love ya'll.

Rosheeda

Thankful Thursday - The Lord

This week.

I'm thankful that the Lord gives friends w/whom we can walk this thing out. I'm thankful for being able to share the journey and the opportunity to grab others to join me along the way. I am extremely thankful for the way the Lord just seems to work things out. That there is hope, and peace and joy if we just put in the effort to FIND it.

I'm thankful for the privilege of Daugter-hood.

Check out Iris' place for more!

Ro

Worship

The question is not IF we will worship, but WHAT or WHO we will worship.

We were created to worship. It is just a matter of whether or not we choose to worship God or something/one else...

food for thought...

rosheeda

1 Corinthians 13:7-10

Ok. Here we go again....

7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

9For we know in part and we prophesy in part;

10but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

Once more... our definition of  love: unrestircted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another.

Vs 7:

Love bears all things - bear...to accept or allow oneself to be subjected to, especially without giving way

believes all things - believe... (1) to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy (the power to produce an effect), or ability of something (2) to accept as true, genuine or real (3) to consider to be true or honest; to accept the word or evidence of

hopes all things - hope... (1) to cherish (hold dear) a desire with anticipation (2) to desire with expecation of obtainment (3) to expect with confidence

endures all things - endure... (1) to undergo as hardship, especially without giving in (2) to continue in the same state (3) to regard with acceptance or tolerance (4) to remain firm, under suffering or misfortune without yielding

So...

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another accepts and allows itself to be subjected to ALL things without giving way; holds tightly to the conviction of the goodness, inherent power and ability of its object, and accepts all things as true, genuine, and real; it holds dear its desires,with confident expectation of obtainment in all things related to the object of its desire; Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another undergoes all hardship without giving in, continuing in the same state and regarding all with acceptance and tolerance, while remaining firm- even under suffering and misfortune, and without yielding.

vs. 8

love never fails - fail... (1) to lose strength; to fade away or die (2) to fall short; to be or become absent or inadequate (3) to be unsuccessful (4) to disappoint the expectations or trust of  (5) to be deficient in (6) to leave undone.

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another never loses strength or fades away; it never falls short or becomes inadequate; it is never unsuccessful. The expectations and trusts of unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another are never disappointed; it is never deficient and never leaves things undone.

Now. this is not all of verse 8, but it IS all of what love is/does/or does not do. And of the whole passage, I find this particular section the most comforting of all - because what I take from it is that in all that love is asked to give and to sacrifice and to commit itself to, God says to us that the end result is absolute victory. He says that love is enough all by itself to ensure that hope if fulfilled and that trust ultimately in the good and inherent power of it's object is rewarded - because love always succeeds.

So, let's go on to the rest of the verse.

We're back to referencing the spiritual gifts of prophecy,speaking in tongues, and knowledge.Scripture says that IF these things are present, they will eventually go away. They will fade. Two things to notice here. The first thing is that there is no guarantee that these gifts will even be present; and the second thing is that even IF they are present, they are not lasting. They will eventually fade. It doesnt matter what God shows us or how we can commune with angels and men. Nor does it matter how much insight or wisdom we're given, because of all that God has spoken of so far in this, the ONLY lasting thing in all this is Love. Which then puts the first three verses into perspective for me. Because if we are all caught up in things that don't last, how will we ever properly view or invest in the one thing that IS lasting? Because the Love spoken of here is a gift just like all the rest. If we dont take the right perspective on the value of each gift, then we miss the mark. Think about that. God has more knowledge insight wisdom and anything else than we can ever begin to fathom, but what He gives is Love beyond even what He's asking us to give here. He knows EVERYTHING, all our motives and failures and sins - all that stuff that nobody else will ever know about us. He knows it all. And even in that knowledge the love He has for us doesn't fade. He never stops believing in who He has destined us to be and He never gives up on His purpose in our lives. He has been so committed to us that He gave us Christ.

And HE... well, we're endebted to him for all eternity. Because he was as human as we are and he lived this out to the fullest. EVERYDAY with EVERYBODY he met. What that means to me is that, since we are all called to walk in his likeness, we are capable of the same, just as he was - through his Father in heaven. Because Christ did not walk in his own power; all power he possessed was derived through his intimate relationship with God.

On to verse 9:

It says we know in part and we prophecy in part.

How much plainer can God be with me than this? What I get is , you dont know it all. There will ALWAYS be things you dont know or understand or see. Which means that I shouldn't behave as though I do, nor should I hold too tightly to the gifts of intimacy that God has chosen to allow me to experience for this short time.

and verse 10:

When perfection comes, the partial will be done away.

Ultimately, none of the gifts matter. Not in the face of perfection - not in the presence of God. Because HE does see it all  and know it all. And more than that, He's in control of it all.

Every last bit.

Reading and studying this passage of scripture bring to mind faith and meekness and humility and all those things. And it leads me to a better understanding of why Christ says the greatest commmandment is to love they neighbor as thyself. Because to love is to reflect Christ.

And that's the whole point of this whole journey, isn't it?

... alright God. Yes. Yes God. Just... yes...

It's Tuesday...

I was SO planning to have this done at 8:36. Too bad I got distracted. Can we say ADD(ddddddddd), as Clay would say?

1. I love Clay. I woke up this morning thinking about our first valentine's day together. It was sweet and clumsy and it made me giggle just to recall it.
2. Prayer time. I love being close to the Lord. I love the whole worship experience.
3. Puppy kisses. I'd have as many dogs as I want children if I thought my dude would agree with me.
4. My Boss! I love him. And it's great to work with people you see as family.
5. Natural hair. It's raining and humid, and I dont' have to worry about how my hair holds up. Ha! I love it.
6. People who love me.
7. People for me to love back.
8. A new friend. I really like Debs and I can't wait to see just how close we become.
9. I got to spend a lot of time with my mom this weekend, shopping and just hangin out. It was pretty fantastical.
10. That my daddy is Super-Man and Clay is He-Man. And that my brother and I together are the Wonder-Twins. It's nice to have men in my life who want to be my superheroes.

You already know the drill. Head to Jill's blog and link up!

peace.

Ro

6 days and no post. Seems like a long silence based on the

6 days and no post.

Seems like a long silence based on the last few months, huh?

Well... Me and God... Me and God and a bible study. Me and God and a bible study and some guest pastors. Me and God and a bible study and some guest pastors and H.

All that is why I have been silent.

Processing. Mulling it all over. Trying to start making some decisions.

And I gotta admit, I'm a little scared...

"You have obeyed Me. Now I want you to believe Me."

That's my word from God for the next season of me life.

'Praise me for releasing H and you into the rest of your life together. Praise Me as though it has already manifested.'

'Believe Me for the date. No more delay. Look at your calendar, note such-n-such a date. And believe Me for it.'

Radical obedience.

Hear God and obey. Immeidately.

Joseph and his murderous brothers.... "I Am training you to be Joseph, but you need to see in yourself the potential to be the murderous brothers..."

"Start planning"

This has been my last two weeks - just before & after my birthday and all this week....

I will be back w/more of a post later.

Oh. And my answer to God is: 'yes'.... so far... it's 'yes'...

The New Look

Ok Ok. I promise I'll keep this layout for longer than two weeks!

I love the colors and the absolute activity and vibrance of this template.

The new name: it's my life right now and I'm just loving it. Can't promise the name won't change again, but it'll still be the same old me. :D

Beautiful Silence

Thank you God that the inside of my head is blissfully quiet tonight.

such a small thing...

but such a wonderful rest.

I appreciate the quiet of the weekend so far.

amen.

Difficult Words

Difficult words.

Sometimes they just have to be spoken.

Sometimes truth is not easy to receive OR to give.

Sometimes the changes we need and want most in the lives of the people we love only come when we have the courage to say the hard things.

Sometimes saying the hard things means we risk being rejected.

But sometimes... sometimes saying the hard things opens the door for restoration.

Sometimes what comes next is redemption.

Sometimes you get to experience a deep love and a deep forgiveness - on both sides of the fence.

Sometimes peace comes and rest is a by-product.

Sometimes tears produce beauty and silence, repentance.

Sometimes the hard things - the difficult words - save what would otherwise be lost.

Praise God for His timing and His wisdom.

The painful thing is sometimes our protection. And our freedom.

This weekend was such a blend of things. God allowed me the grace to let go of our past, speak our truth in the present, and have peace for our future.

The words weren't easy to speak. Nor were they easy to receive. But they were a long time coming and necessary for growth - mine and his.

A Trip Through My Mind...

My head is so full of thoughts. They range lately from generational sin and how it affects our lives and others to 'radical' obedience to the isolation and intimidation of living an unorthodox christain life - a barbarian kinda faith...

My head is just so full...

Learning in a new way who this God is that I love so and how He loves me back....

Did you know that scripture says that His ever act toward us is a kindness? That is a tid-bit from biblestudy yesterday. Totally profound and thought provoking. The idea that in the deepest of valleys and the darkest of nights, God taking us, leading us, allowing us to experience the things that leave us with an inexplicable  pain or uncertainty or discomfort is a KINDNESS toward us.

I've been mulling that over since I heard it and it leaves me with just one question:

HOW SO?

He gave an answer, when I asked it in relationship to this specific situation in my life... but just in general, i'm still waiting...

My brain is on overload and my heart is trying to catch up with the deluge of the last few weeks...

God has something to say apparently, and the farther I get into this month, the more aware I am that He is not gonna let up until I've gotten the message loud and clear and until I've made a choice on every level, in every way, in every area of my life...

Ok. i'm goin to eat a kiwi and then I'm gonna try and close my eyes and sleep. I'm sure I'll be back to pull all the stuff in my head apart some more.

g'nite.

Beyond My Expectations

Monday was my 33rd birthday.

I gotta admit, I was not looking forward to it. But it turned out to be pretty great - in large part because of  a great friend who insisted that a birthday is something to celebrate. Between celebrating her day with her and then her making the point to make sure we celebrated my day too, it was great.

But then it got better. Because I got to spend time with my man.

Now. The first big deal is that i actually WANTED to spend the evening with him.

See, when we werer out celebrating my girl on Saturday I sent a random message saying I was out w/friends, wishing he was there and missing him. Even told him I love him.

Totally not who I am.

But I sent it. And he answered. And somehow his day worked out Monday so that he had plenty of time to talk with me ALL DAY LONG. Literally from about 9 in the morning til he left work at 8 that night. We had a really good, really lengthy, really personal conversation. No lulls, no blank spots. Easy and comfortable... like you'd think it should be anyway.

I did dinner w/Kesha and then he and I met up. Now. This is where a good day turned into something totally beyond my expectations...

In the last few months, H and I have been learning to talk and really be friends. We've been figuring eachother out in some fundamental ways and I've thought that was great. But I've still been leary of more serious convos and of ANY thing that leaves me vulnerable w/him. But this night, there was something brewing in my head and I just had to get it out. Random question, very tentative. But it was out there by then. His answer was, if i felt that way, I'd tell you. Things are good. It's good. I'm happy with it...

But that wasn't what i REALLY wanted to ask... HOWEVER. His answer was pretty straightforward so I was like... I'll leave it alone... And again. God comes with 'Don't be timid. Talk to him, Love.' So... I ventured out again... And asked the question i REALLY wanted an answer to. His answer was, yeah I do. And his expression was, why would you ask that.So i explained more fully and he said 'do you want an honest answer?'.... i was prepared to have my feelings hurt. But his answer blew my mind: Nothing's wrong. There's nothing you've done or haven't done. I'm just tired... You and I, things are good. Dont feel that way. Matter of fact, my plan tonight was... but I'm just tired...

There was more in there - as a matter of fact - that he's had this same convo w/that other one... But his response to that was that he found it amusing, because what she wants from him, in his words, he never wants with her. But that same convo w/me, his response was an immediate effort to reassure and to put away his tired to be what I needed.

Immediately God spoke to my heart "I told you it wasn't what you thought. I will not allow you to be hurt beyond what is necessary to accomplish My Will. I told you that I would not allow him to compromise you. I will not allow him to give to anyone else what is only for you."

In the beginning, I prayed many many things, one being that God wouldn't let us be compromised in any personal, too difficult for me to get over way and the other was that he would not desire ANY connection w/this other chick but that he would recognize what we have and honor it.

That his response to the SAME convo was night and day, that his desire for 'us' is alive and well but that his desire for her is non-existent, that he would extend himself beyond his own need of rest to fulfill my need of connection.. all that was proof-positive to me that God heard me and that even when I cant see it, even when i have to just trust that God is doing ... something... He's protecting me - my heart, my spirit, my confidence in this life He's calling me to. He's making it so that the desire for things outside us just doesn't exist.

I needed that. I needed to know that God was being faithful and I needed to know that H's heart is for me. I needed to know that he wasn't giving it away...

In spite of a series of lousy choices, I know beyond a doubt that his heart is mine. It's for me. It desires the beauty of us. I'm not in this alone. It's not me by myself trying to hang on and let things resolve themselves. I'm not the only one in love here...

I had been asking God the last few weeks to show me something so that I know this isn't standing still and that I'm not biding my time only to be completely broken in the end. I NEEDED to see what God had been doing...

He spoke to me last week that it was 'time to create the storm that would release H from this situation' and as I was headed home Monday night He spoke again: 'This is the start of the storm. I know you haven't understood the way I've instructed you to love H. I know it hasn't made sense. But your conduct, your love toward him draws him in because his heart can rest with you. Contention would only push him away. The more you walk in love, the more he sees clearly the difference between you and his current situation. Continue to love him and watch what I do next.'

Something was restored in my heart that night. We are making our way back to one another. It's been a long road, but finally I feel some peace that things will be ok. It was just so ... normal... so right... sitting talking, enjoying eachother's company, relaxing like we can only do with eachother. Like things are coming full circle,except better than when they fell apart.

I got home... God said to me: "I've shown you. I've shown you. You have obeyed. Now I want you to believe Me."

And finally. I am beginning to be able to make the choice to believe. I have obeyed. Because what other choice was there, really?... but now... now maybe I can truly rest in grabbing hold with both hands, holding on for dear life, and doing the hardest thing of all: BELIEVE.

Fear is falling away and doubt with it. I am able to pray again. I finally have words. And my prayers are changing to ones of acceptance on all sides of the fence and unity as we stand. I'm praying beyond the moment. I'm not asking anymore for God to fix it. I'm asking for him to help us to heal and to move forward as we deal with the aftermath. I''m confident in some way that I wasnt before....

I was talking with a friend yesterday and I shared with her that my biggest fear in this has been that I can't compete with the world. Not even a little bit. It's just not who I am. It's never been who I am. This other chick has represented everything about his old life that he misses and that I'm not and won't accept for our life. His hunger for so long has been the world and it's fruit. Because it's easier than living for Christ. And even before I started growing spiritually, my heart wasn't for those things. So needless to say, as I've grown the last few years, there has been a great divide between us and my faith has been an source of contention. So when all this happened, all I could think was 'I can't compete with that. I can't be that woman who accepts anything he chooses to do. I can't be that woman who doesn't require more than money and a warm body at night. I just cant be her. And I can't compete with the chick who's willing to let him be mediocre. That's not my heart; not my desire; not even my intetion.'

And because he seemed bent on that life and those ways, I felt hopelessly unable to stand and trust that God would prevail in this...

But Monday night... on my 33rd birthday... it finally clicked: I dont have to compete. That I am who I am and that God has put in him a heart that is hopelessly drawn to the spirit inside me is enough. God is in control. He's sovereign. Lord over all. And there is nothing we can do to change what He purposes. The very fact that I can't compete is exactly where the advantage lies. Things are simple with me. Far easier and less complicated than forever striving and forever chasing wind. Sometimes the best way to fight, the only way to fight, is just not to fight at all. Because the lack of fight lets truth reveal itself.

My way in this would only have destroyed. Nothing would've been salvaged. It would've felt better, would've been easier. But the cost would've been far too great.

God's way... It's giving life and it's transforming futures. His way is higher than mine. Better. Perfect. Right. And I am more than grateful.

I needed Monday. I NEEDED it. So desperately. I needed it.

And I'm thanking God that He was faithful and merciful enough to give it to me.

Now maybe some real healing can begin...

Eccesiastes 5:7

KJV

" For in the multitude of dreams and many words, there are also divers vanities; but fear thou God."

This was given to me today in the midst of my prayer time. Talk about God answering a question with His Word. I love how this thing works. Really I do.