An Attitude Adjustment

Ok. So.

It's time to get over myself and stop singin' this same song.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not quite over all this yet, but really. I'm workin on that.God's workin on that.

But I need to just keep it real with myself. I know God too well to be surprised by such a circumstance. I also know Him to well to keep on asking why me. Cuz really.The only answer to that is why NOT me. I'm thinking too highly of myself and I need to allow God to reign that in.

And I've also been in love with my man long enough to understand how he works. More than anything, more than anybody, HE NEEDS THIS. If we have any hope of a life that truly honors God, on both sides of this fence and that opens the door for real freedom for us with eachother and our children, he needs this. And I need to embrace this process with him.

There are a lot of things that can be said by a lot of people about us both. But the fact of the matter is that none of those people are so important that we can afford to sacrifice rather than to obey. Not at all.

In a wierd way, it's just as hard letting go of the hurt as it is to allow myself to feel the hurt. Because letting go leaves me vulnerable and wide open to something I dont know and that I cant really understand on an intellectual level. And since my fall back has always been my intellect and the ability to analyze and make sense of it, that's significantly uncomfortable for me.

But the reality is that I truly do understand in my spirit why this needs to be. God has given me the gift of knowledge in this season like nothing else I've ever known. And even if He hadn't chosen to give me that giftt, what right exactly do I have to question the how's and the why's of His work? He's God and I'm not. I don't get a vote. And I need to recognize my place as a servant in His kingdom.

He has given me everything I need to endure and to come out of this victorious, life in tact, and living the promise He gave for us.

It's time to let go.

God had a word for me just a few days before all this started. My uncle gave it to me. He gave me a few keys and a few insights and it would serve me well to hold them close to my heart. And to walk in the wisdom of the revelation God was so gracious to allow him to give.

1) There is a war goin on. This is not about people. Not me and not even him. Nor is it really even about all the other players currently on this field. It is about generations to come. The legacy God wants to establish in us for our children our grandchildren their children and so forth. I need to not be so selfish to think that this is all about the moment right now.

2) I have authority to stand against this. We have authority in heaven on earth and under the earth. And I need to walk in it. I need to act like I know how to live in the power of that authority. I dont have to turn any part of this over to the enemy. Not at all. I need to act like I know who I am.

3) Don't do what's natural do what's right. I kept telling my uncle, it just doesn't feel right. He said to me, it's not that it doesn't feel right. It DOES feel right, because your spirit is in the lead. God is leading you. It just doesn't feel natural. Because it goes against what your flesh wants. 'Don't do what's natural. Do what's right.' I know what's right. I've known from the start. God told me plainly several years ago my response to all that comes w/him until He specifically tells me differently: STAY. No matter what I feel, what matters is what God calls right.

4) God is in control. He's Sovereign. Don't take life so seriously. And God himself spoke to me yesterday that this situation is not nearly as bad as what I feel it to be. It's really not. I need to accept the truth of His soverignty and just keep it moving. Cuz as serious as this all is, this is NOT something that ten years from will hold any power in our reality. Not at all.

It's time for me to walk as a (wo)man in love and not act like a child who's feelings are hurt because it's just NOT fair. At the end of the day, at the end of the road, that doesn't matter. What matters is that God is glorified and that lives are preserved as a result of this journey to His grace.

So I'm workin on it. I'm workin on getting over me.