Dude... Seriously...

I am fat. Let me etablish this from the beginning.

This weekend we had a family reunion. I found a spot and stayed in it most of the evening. I was tired and wasn't really feeling it to begin with; I went out of obligation. I don't play cards. I barely play dominoes. In general I'm totally outta my element at those sorts of functions. I'm much more at ease if I'm working than if I'm just a guest. Working keeps me busy and out of the limelight - just the way I like it.

Oh, and let me add that part of my tired was that we had just spent several hours in the sun and the pool that same morning. I had had a late night Friday night and then was up at before day a.m. Saturday because my dad decided that I should want to go on a walk with them and the dog. I didn't go, but I did get up. So. By 5pm, I was tired and really just wanted to rest. And since being with people is NOT my idea of rest... u get the idea.

All this comes because of a conversation me and my dad had this morning. Seriously, he made me cry. "I'm worried about you. You avoid people because you are self-conscious of your weight. You are such an extrovert. You love people. I dont want your life to pass you by." And I'm sitting thinking, all this because I stayed to myself at a get together.

A couple things: Mind you, I was already overly sensitive because he looked at me with pity and worry and disappointment at 6:45 am Saturday morning because I didnt' want to go walking. 1) I am not a nature girl. Me and the outside are not buds. Haven't been ever in my life and I doubt we're falling in love anytime soon. 2) I just flat didn't want to get up before day to bond with the family. Seriously.

So. Fast forward to this morning and my frustration is two-fold. Lets conquer the easy one first: the fat-girl thing. I have always been fat by everybody else's standards. It has always been much more of an issue for other people than it has for me. In high-school I looked at myself and was pretty pleased with what I saw reflected back. In adulthood, I have been pretty ok with myself. I have begun to truly want to lose weight for health reasons, but as to my confidence -for the most part that has remained (and still is) in tact.

My dad (you had to know) has been the one withe BIGGEST issue of all. Add insult to injury, I actually HAVE begun taking small steps toward my goal. The real issue is this: I DO NOT like to exercise. Never have, seriously doubt I ever will. I like certain activities because well, I see them as enjoyable. Walking and biking and all that are not necessarily fun to me. So, given the choice I will most likely not elect to get up before day to walk several miles or ride several miles for ANY reason. Exercise will have to be a learned discipline for me and will most likely be a couple miles on a treadmill or a 45minute ride on a stationary bike.

And that's ok.

The other part is this: I do not want to work-out with my dad. He's critical and it messes me up. I don't like eating in front of him as it is and for me, when I set out to accomplish something personal to me, it has to remain that way. PERSONAL. I am like a deer-in-headlights otherwise. This is a me and God thing. And I frankly just don't want to share that with anybody besides my man. This is one of those intimate things for me that I want to be an 'us' thing. There is a comfort there that I have that I can trust him not to judge, but to encourage and to support - and to do it with me. And that is as I believe it should be.

Moving on.

My lack of comfort in groups.

I AM self-conscious. Because usually I'm being doted on or fawned over. I don't like to be the center of attention, positively or negatively. I prefer anonymity. Always have. I am NOT an extrovert. I am NOT a people person. I don't even take compliments well. (I have no idea how to respond without sounding dorky or conceited.) I have just learned that sometimes I can't be by myself so I have to learn to deal with people in a way that doesn't leave them feeling judged or criticized. Being with people is work for me. My natural tendency is to analyze and to watch. It makes everybody else uneasy because it translates as very quiet and not very warm. And, frankly, I feel very judged in groups of people. My family, to be exact. Everybody expects something from me. Everybody wants something. Everybody thinks they know who I am. And none of 'em really truly get it. My own immediate family has been so critical and judgemental the last few years that I all but shut-down with them. I sincerely don't like it. Call it what you like. I just dont like it. They don't like my man. They dont' like my job.They don't like my friends. They don't like my spiritual life. I'm jealous. I'm mean. I'm judgemental. I'm critical of everybody else and it's WRONG. But they can all do ME that way and it's all good. NOT REALLY. I'm SO over putting myself out there to be scrutinized. I'm really good to be left alone.

I told my dad honestly the way I feel about the whole 'judged' thing. And his answer was that when I truly get comfortable with my 'lot' and truly know where I fit I wont' be hurt by people's perception. Dude seriously, I know that for YOU feelings don't matter. But for me, in spite of your best effort to teach me otherwise, they absolutely do matter. I know my lot. I've accepted it and I know where I fit. I JUST DON'T LIKE IT. And it leaves me feeling hurt and abandoned more often than not. And for right now that's just the honest truth. In time, when I'm feeling more like the Lord has proven that I haven't lost my whole mind, I'll probably feel better about it all, but right now, in this season: it hurts. And that hurt comes from my family. And so I dont' do well with too much too often.


In all this talking, Dr. Suess couldn't manage to listen. He decided he knows me better than I know me. And he continued to worry. And then he was hurt that I was not in a great mood. Dude. I am a GIRL. We are nit-wits by nature. My emotions were all outta wack and I just wasn't right. But it will pass. Because that's just how it is. And really, that's ok too. Because the Lord did not make me to see or respond to things like a man would. He made me female and womanly and all that goes with it. It's ok for me to accept it and to sometimes simply let that part of me have it's way. Nobody will die if I lose it once every six months for approximately 24 hours. Sheesh.

I did not hide out because I'm fat. I hid out because I'm tired of all the dramatics and the tensions that I feel with my family. LAWD HAVE MERCY. Can a girl not just want a break?

DA-RA-MA, people. DRAMA & KA-FLAMA.

*sigh* Oh well. Can't win 'em all, can ya?