The Wisest Thing I've Ever Done

I have no clue why I am up at such a ridiculous hour of the day. The fact is, i have been up for AT LEAST an hour already and I'd like nothing more than to go back to sleep... But since I don't see that happening, I figured I'd blog instead.

It's been days since I last posted and ya know... things are looking different.

I've actually begun to come to terms with what God is asking me and my answer... the one I couldn't give in that last post... my answer is 'yes'. And its 'yes' to everything. H's leadership, believing in him, trusting him, respecting him. It's yes across the board.

I know, total 360, right?!

God is teaching me lots and lots of things. The greatest lesson by far is what love looks like in His sight. And as I learn that, I am learning just how much I have also missed the mark.

I love the creativity of our God. It blows my mind that He knows just what to do to get us to exactly where HE wants us to be - beyond ourselves, clear on our own inadequacy, and willing to do things His way.

I know that you have no clue what I'm talking about... part of that 'yes' was doing something outside my comfort zone (I dont know WHY that's something that's still so new to me. *rollin my eyes*... I should expect that by now...) to honor something H said to me during World War III several weeks ago.

"You need to learn to govern your mouth." ... it took all i had not to repeat ALL the reasons why that was a statement that he should NEVER be bold enough to make with me... But I resisted the temptation. And then a funny thing happened: his words, they lingered. And they bothered me. And they forced me to talk to God. And even though I can't genuinely say that I agree with him, I cannot genuinely say that I believe he's justified in the statement OR the request... I have to admit that he's right. Because no matter how little right he has to ask such a thing of me right now - considering how seldom I give full vent to any thing remotely 'harsh' with him - however not fair I feel that is - God's word is so extra plain when He requires us to respect and to not speak harshly and to love one another.

I mean. He didn't say, respect him when he deserves it. He said respect him. He didn't say believe in him when it's easy. He said believ in him. He didn't even say submit to him because he's trustworthy. He said submit to him. He didn't say show grace when it's not a challenge. And really - would that even BE grace?!

None of God's instructions have come with the caveat of IF he... They've been plain and absolute.

I've never been so convicted in my life as I have the last few weeks. Because in my own hurt and anger, I have allowed myself to lose sight of the fact that this is not easy for him either. He's hurting just as much as I am. He's as unsure as me. He's as tired as me. He's holdin' on just as hard as I'm holding on, hoping like all get-out that God fixes this in our favor.

All this realization led me to do something I had flatly REFUSED to do up until last week: I apologized for the way I've handled him.  I mean, nobody would really blame me, but as we started trying to call a truce I realized just how much my distance and resistance and just general lack of genuine warmth and unfettered affection has weakened his confidence in my heart for him; made me sad. Because that's never been my intent. I've just been too afraid to let go and see past what I perceived as lack of respect and interest - but what is probably more accurately fear of rejection and abandonment emotionally.

I have really sucked at this.

And I have really resented the fact that God has said to me pretty much from the start that refusing to give H full access to my heart is not of Him. Because in my own humanity, I just don't see the wisdom in giving that when he's betrayed the trust I had finally started giving myself over to. Because, make no mistake, I may be willing to own that I've missed the mark in some key ways, but uh.... he's just as guilty of adding fuel to that fire as he's ever been. His choices, they are responsible for where we are and they are the cause in large part for why I have felt absolutely no interest in opening that door to my innermost being. This mess, it is HIS mess.

But God's love, it is the same, in spite of the reason it has NOT to be. And that love is what He's been asking me to give all along...

So. I'm finally giving in to that and , well, the most curious of things is happening. We are beginning to live out an exquisite friendship; we are seeing the start of an absolute oneness and freedom with eachother. Slowly but surely, our hearts are turning back toward one another and all the pieces of this that have made it so tough seem to just be not quite as important as before.

Once again, obedience is proving better than sacrifice... I havent had to turn any flips. I havent had to be someone or something that I'm not. I havent had to suppress the truth of my heart or my hurt; I've just had to be willing to love beyond it. Taking that step has given me a wonderful new freedom and has invited my Beloved to the same.

God was right - as usual. This IS a blessing in disguise for us.

I'm watching it unfold and I see the collision coming. It's the most amazing of things. We are on a crash course with each other, and there's not a thing in this world strong enough to stop what's started happening.

This is love on God's terms. All it seems to be able to do these days is to pursue it's own agenda; the only choice it seems to have in all this is to keep on pursuing itself. And that's something that I find oddly comforting. There is something in that, that gives me new confidence in H. Because I see God's love for me in the way that he's choosing to love me in all this. No matter how risky a proposition he might think this is, he's doing the only thing his heart allows: he's giving himself over to the love God established in him toward me. And I'm learning to do the same.

And it would seem that this IS, in fact, proving to be the wisest thing I've ever done....

Thank you God. My fear was that this was foolish. You, as usual, are proving that following Your lead is never foolish. I love you and I'm ready to obey... so, yes God. Once again. Yes. Amen.