Thanks God - For Real...

Wierdest thing ever.

Desire.

It woke up.

Sometime over the course of this week, a desire for H that I haven't felt in months has shown itself alive and well.

This as opposed to non-chalance - or, more accurately, resignation.

I was floored at the realization that 'miss you' had some real value this week. Even more taken aback that a need of affection from him assailed me a few days ago. Nothing too extreme... just a need to be hugged and held... totally shocked by the fact that I didnt have to fight with myself to convince myself to be ok w/some expression of want...

Then last night... Life has happened for him all week long and that always drives us together. Seems that God always uses that to bridge gaps (or chasms) between us... Anyway. Last night, it happened on some grand scale that I wan't aware of until he got here. Mad cuz he was late and blah blah blah... Then he explained - and oddly enough, it was enough...

And desire. It was STILL alive. And not because I was just so sweet and so immediately willing to put my attitude up - but because HE was sensitive enough to do two things he has typically not been good about: (1) he explained. (2) he apologized.

God is working this out.

To understand the depth of any of this, you have to know me. And you have to know him. Situations like this usually brings us to a not-easily traversed impasse. But last night... he recognized something I told him a long time ago: I dont have an on/off switch when it comes to affection and such. And I recognized something I'm sure I've just been too mad in recent history to accept: he cares and he's trying. And more than that, he's tired of failing, tired of looking at my face and seeing pain. He's tired.

Knowing that made it easy to let it be ok. And giving in to that made for a very nice night. One that, quite honestly, ended too soon.

For the first time in a long time, I wanted more. A LOT more. I wanted to lose myself in him - and I trusted that I could. His arms are beginning to feel like a safe place again. And his heart is turning into a haven.

I asked God to let me see, and He did.

I woke up this morning wishing he was here, wishing i was waking up to a lazy Saturday morning w/nothing to do but rest with him, beside him, in him. I wanted today to be a day where we could just blow off life and 'be'...  It's been a minute since I've been hit that hard with such an unyielding craving for ANYTHING...

This is nothing but God. His conviction, His revelation, His love. Nothing but His grace. I prayed not long ago that I would be able to feel the emotion of love so that I could respond better to the requirements of love. Last night He gave that to me.

I'm beyond grateful for such faithfulness...

The walls are coming down and what's right and good and true between us is rising to the surface...

His grace is sufficient for us and His mercies are new every morning...

I hope he saw my effort to trust him again last night as clearly as I saw his effort to care for me - to put me above all the real life that was hapening around him...

I hope he feels in is spirit that I am finally getting to that place where I'm genuinely willing to let things be made right between us... I hope last night gave him the courage to act on all that I saw play across his face and all that God has been showing me privately about where his heart is right now.

I hope he knows he can start to feel safe with me again. He can begin to trust my love instead of being constantly on-guard because he's always so clearly hit with my pain. He can rest and know that everthing will be everything. Consistent effort, a little time, and a lot of Grace (for us both) - and everything will be everything again. Except this time, it'll be better and stronger and richer and deeper.

We're making our way to solid ground and I think I can finally breathe again...

Great way to start the weekend, huh? :-)

Thanks God for loving us so...