I know I asked God to do whatever it takes. I have GOT to remember not to pray like that.
What seemed to be coming to some sort of an end, is in reality only WORSE than I thought it was before.
A word of advice: secrets are destructive between couples. They really are.
My heart is hurting so deeply right now.
This weekend brought it all.
I am at a loss for words.
And my post yesterday morning was BEFORE the secret was even revealed.
Grace upon grace upon grace.
I dont even know where to start with this. I am asking God to do something that is just miraculous right now. I am asking it in me AND in H.
Anger would be my emotion of choice. Because then at least I wouldn't feel so foolish for looking him in his face and saying "...nothing can make me move away from you...'
Because this... THIS warrants me moving away from him.
However, all i feel is compassion. All I feel is that thing that only a heart that loves you beyond you can feel. I looked at his face as he shared his shame. And all I could see what his hurt and his pain and his disappointment and uncertainty. And anger at himself at the mess he's made.
My first thought was not, I'm leaving. Not, I'm done. Not, I'm gonna kill him. It was, we can get thru this thing. It's a BIG thing, but we've dealt with big things before and we can get thru this just like all the other ones.
Which is really maybe too simple an answer, becaue this is by far the BIGGEST, costliest thing we will have endured so far.
But then. It's really not too simple. Because it's only grace.
Pure and simple. From God and of God. And Him alone.
I know that He spoke yesterday instead of me. I know that He filled my mouth because when I opened it in anger and disrespect He silenced me and changed the words I intended to speak.
We've got a hurdle to get over.
A big one.
One that wont go away and one that has lasting implications in a lot of ways.
As I'm sitting here typing, all these questions come to mind about what it does for the things I desired in our relationship. Will I have to sacrifice those things, or will those things still come to pass? And how, OH HOW, am i supposed to navigate the new relational twist this brings?
People think I'm all gracious and stuff, but really I'm just bent on being obedient. That kinda grace. The kind it's gon' take to do this until it's done? I dunno about that one.
But I know God's at work. I KNOW He's in this. He gave me the grace yesterday to build up my H. He gave me personal grace last night to re-iterate my support and my commitment to this dynamic duo. He's giving me the grace to process my emotions little by little and without unproductive outbursts of hard-heartedness. (Which was not my reality yesterday morning, even BEFORE the revelation.) He's really sustaining me right now. Truly He is.
And He's really breaking H right now. Truly He is. I don't know how God is gonna do what He's doing, but I do know that both H and I need this. This refining is answered prayer. This situation has literally killed our relationship. That has all been done away with. Because we will never be the same. And that's a good thing. Because of this death, comes new life. Sanctified, uncluttered, unhidden, unfettered life.
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." - John 12:24
We needed to die. We were just eaking by. Honestly. God's grace and Love that He put there from the start was holding us together. But now, we can experience a very different sort of Love - an uncommon love, an uncommon grace, an uncommon forgiveness and oneness between eachother.
Now, beauty for ashes takes on a whole new meaning for us. He has an opportunity to know God so differently... And I do too.
And that's exciting. Even in the midst of my pain, in the midst of the anguish in my heart and the sorrow that draws tears in the most unexpected moments, I have this bubbling laughter in my spirit. The Lord lets me glimpse it every now and then and it blesses my heart. Because I know that that laughter is the pleasure God is taking in giving me my miracle and in giving my H new life.
As much as I love H, God loves him exponentially more. He would do nothing to harm him. He would allow nothing that would destroy his spirit. All this is meant to build him up, to make him the man God destined him to be. And God loves me. And would do nothing to harm me or to destroy my spirit. All this is meant to build me up too, and to make the the woman God has destined me to be.
This is hard. I'm not gon' lie. But 'whatever it takes God' meant just that. I dont regret it. I'd do it all again if it meant my H being in right relationship with my Jesus.
I cant say I wont be venting more, but I can surely say that I know God is sovereign and in control. He keeps reminding me today that He is God and that nothing takes Him by surprise.
So.
He already knew this would be. He knew what we would both do. And He knows the end. His word says that the end of a thing is better than it's beginning. I'll take that.
At the end of the day, my heart is for God. At the end of the day, my heart is for H. At the end of the day, God is in control and He does all things well.
He is faithful and just to keep His promises.
Grace upon grace upon grace.
I owe H that, because God continually gives me the same.
My God is amazing. He is awesome. And He is worthy of such commitment and praise.
And my H. He's worthy of grace and forgiveness and commitment. And more than that, he's worthy of my love and affection; he can be trusted with my heart. He can be trusted to protect me and to honor what we're being given.
God is redeeming our love, as only He can.
What seemed to be coming to some sort of an end, is in reality only WORSE than I thought it was before.
A word of advice: secrets are destructive between couples. They really are.
My heart is hurting so deeply right now.
This weekend brought it all.
I am at a loss for words.
And my post yesterday morning was BEFORE the secret was even revealed.
Grace upon grace upon grace.
I dont even know where to start with this. I am asking God to do something that is just miraculous right now. I am asking it in me AND in H.
Anger would be my emotion of choice. Because then at least I wouldn't feel so foolish for looking him in his face and saying "...nothing can make me move away from you...'
Because this... THIS warrants me moving away from him.
However, all i feel is compassion. All I feel is that thing that only a heart that loves you beyond you can feel. I looked at his face as he shared his shame. And all I could see what his hurt and his pain and his disappointment and uncertainty. And anger at himself at the mess he's made.
My first thought was not, I'm leaving. Not, I'm done. Not, I'm gonna kill him. It was, we can get thru this thing. It's a BIG thing, but we've dealt with big things before and we can get thru this just like all the other ones.
Which is really maybe too simple an answer, becaue this is by far the BIGGEST, costliest thing we will have endured so far.
But then. It's really not too simple. Because it's only grace.
Pure and simple. From God and of God. And Him alone.
I know that He spoke yesterday instead of me. I know that He filled my mouth because when I opened it in anger and disrespect He silenced me and changed the words I intended to speak.
We've got a hurdle to get over.
A big one.
One that wont go away and one that has lasting implications in a lot of ways.
As I'm sitting here typing, all these questions come to mind about what it does for the things I desired in our relationship. Will I have to sacrifice those things, or will those things still come to pass? And how, OH HOW, am i supposed to navigate the new relational twist this brings?
People think I'm all gracious and stuff, but really I'm just bent on being obedient. That kinda grace. The kind it's gon' take to do this until it's done? I dunno about that one.
But I know God's at work. I KNOW He's in this. He gave me the grace yesterday to build up my H. He gave me personal grace last night to re-iterate my support and my commitment to this dynamic duo. He's giving me the grace to process my emotions little by little and without unproductive outbursts of hard-heartedness. (Which was not my reality yesterday morning, even BEFORE the revelation.) He's really sustaining me right now. Truly He is.
And He's really breaking H right now. Truly He is. I don't know how God is gonna do what He's doing, but I do know that both H and I need this. This refining is answered prayer. This situation has literally killed our relationship. That has all been done away with. Because we will never be the same. And that's a good thing. Because of this death, comes new life. Sanctified, uncluttered, unhidden, unfettered life.
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." - John 12:24
We needed to die. We were just eaking by. Honestly. God's grace and Love that He put there from the start was holding us together. But now, we can experience a very different sort of Love - an uncommon love, an uncommon grace, an uncommon forgiveness and oneness between eachother.
Now, beauty for ashes takes on a whole new meaning for us. He has an opportunity to know God so differently... And I do too.
And that's exciting. Even in the midst of my pain, in the midst of the anguish in my heart and the sorrow that draws tears in the most unexpected moments, I have this bubbling laughter in my spirit. The Lord lets me glimpse it every now and then and it blesses my heart. Because I know that that laughter is the pleasure God is taking in giving me my miracle and in giving my H new life.
As much as I love H, God loves him exponentially more. He would do nothing to harm him. He would allow nothing that would destroy his spirit. All this is meant to build him up, to make him the man God destined him to be. And God loves me. And would do nothing to harm me or to destroy my spirit. All this is meant to build me up too, and to make the the woman God has destined me to be.
This is hard. I'm not gon' lie. But 'whatever it takes God' meant just that. I dont regret it. I'd do it all again if it meant my H being in right relationship with my Jesus.
I cant say I wont be venting more, but I can surely say that I know God is sovereign and in control. He keeps reminding me today that He is God and that nothing takes Him by surprise.
So.
He already knew this would be. He knew what we would both do. And He knows the end. His word says that the end of a thing is better than it's beginning. I'll take that.
At the end of the day, my heart is for God. At the end of the day, my heart is for H. At the end of the day, God is in control and He does all things well.
He is faithful and just to keep His promises.
Grace upon grace upon grace.
I owe H that, because God continually gives me the same.
My God is amazing. He is awesome. And He is worthy of such commitment and praise.
And my H. He's worthy of grace and forgiveness and commitment. And more than that, he's worthy of my love and affection; he can be trusted with my heart. He can be trusted to protect me and to honor what we're being given.
God is redeeming our love, as only He can.
That's worth my praise.
Lord,
Please restore us. Seal our hearts to eachohter once and for all. Free us totally of past things and usher into new beauty with eachother. You have given us love that neither of us expected to share. Now Lord, please protect that love and make it better. You know your plans for us, plans for prosperity and not harm, plans for a hope and future. Surround us each with people who walk in Your Wisdom. Lord please let H choose life and not death. Please let him choose uncommon Godly wisdom over worldly expectation and wisdom. Please soften his heart to obey. You harden men's hearts and you soften them. Even as the seed dies, Lord breathe life into it. We love You and we seek You in this. Show us how do the things that are now part of our life and responsibility.
In Jesus' precious name. Amen.
Lord,
Please restore us. Seal our hearts to eachohter once and for all. Free us totally of past things and usher into new beauty with eachother. You have given us love that neither of us expected to share. Now Lord, please protect that love and make it better. You know your plans for us, plans for prosperity and not harm, plans for a hope and future. Surround us each with people who walk in Your Wisdom. Lord please let H choose life and not death. Please let him choose uncommon Godly wisdom over worldly expectation and wisdom. Please soften his heart to obey. You harden men's hearts and you soften them. Even as the seed dies, Lord breathe life into it. We love You and we seek You in this. Show us how do the things that are now part of our life and responsibility.
In Jesus' precious name. Amen.
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