It is Not About Me... SHEESH God!!!!!

My friend Lynn has written two posts over on her blog this last week, namely this one and this one, that have profoundly convicted me of my attitude in all this.

See, the night before the earth shattered, my uncle out of nowhere spoke to me about a season in  his and my aunt's marriage where he almost threw away the life they had. And he gave me more insight as to things that happened just before they actually got married. At that point, none of this stuff about baby boy or even the fact that H had been with this chick had been revealed. Not yet. It was literally the night before it all came out.

My uncle told me that night 'please dont be so selfish as to think its about you. It's about the legacy God wants to establish for all the little rosheeda jr's and other people in your life.' And this came AFTER he said to me 'don't do what's natural.do what's right. if you want to see God work in a super way, you have to function in an unnatural way. It's not that it doesn't feel right, it just doesn't feel natural. Becaues it is not always natural to do what's right.'

All this and he had no idea why and no real reason to tell me any of what he did that night. Neither of us knew what was comin next. Imagine my shock the next day...

Anyway. Back to the conviction...

Lynn's posts.... cant even describe the profound impact and the deep, allbeit gentle, chastisement of my heart.

The pain I've felt. It has been profound and I have been completely furious. So much so, that I have not been at all interested in what's best for anybody in this. Not even me. Because, in my own mind, what's best is me moving on so that I can get past this hurt inside. But God has been really really plain that to leave would be destruction for us both. That's a tough - and bitter - pill to swallow. Because how can such exquisite pain be best?

But knowing Lynn's story, reading Lynn's posts, it reminded me that I have been praying for H's family as long as I have been praying for him. Their futures are affected by my choices. I was reminded that all sorts of things are at work that I cannot see. I was reminded that I have asked God to allow H's family - and mine - to see him transform and me blossom and us together defy everybody's expectations so that He is revealed in our story. I asked God for this. I asked for the gift, privilege, and responsibility of this journey with H. And I'm wrong to be so angry that I don't see past my pain to his good... our good.... THEIR good...

I asked God for a unique, exquisite, undeniable work of His hands in our relationships. I want better for us that status-quo. I want more for us that kinda happy. I want far greater in our relationship than 'it'll do'... I want as close to bliss as we can find here on earth. I want an uncommon friendship and an uncommon intimacy. I want a oneness so strong and so absolute between us. I want ten years and more kids and more bills from now to look at him and feel as drawn and as connected and as united as I've felt. I want us to never lose sight of what God has done in us and to always have a marker to know that we've come face to face with God and survived. I literally want us to always revel in the gloriousness of God's work in us.

And for any of that to be, we both need to have real true reason to appreciate what God's given. It's easy in relationships to forget. It's easy to lose sight and to let life get in the way. But God can give everything I've asked and more.

The opportunity to be a reflection of God's greatness is so amazing here. But I've thumbed my nose because the road isn't easy. I've been tempted to turn tail and run because it costs so much.  I've wanted to throw all this work away because H has proved to be as human as I knew he was from the start.

Pride has always been my struggle. And now is no different. God's been showing me that little by little. Pride has played a huge part in my displeasure with all this. Cuz the truth is, I haevn't been faithful. It just didn't result in a kid and it was at a time in our relationship when I was not at all interested in what God wanted for us; I was bent on my own way and my own plans. I gave no thought to the fact that maybe H saw a future with me. I just knew that I wasn't interested in seeing one with him. I've failed too. It may not have been made known to him, but I've failed just as completely as he has.

And if the tables were turned, he loves me enough that leaving wouldn't be an option. In my heart, no matter what I WANT to say, I believe he'd stay. We'd fight. He'd be mad. It wouldn't be easy. But in spite of his hurt and brokenness, he'd stay.

I'm no better than him in this. And beyond all that, this is not about me.

Which also leads to babyboy. The way to see him is not as a reflection of his daddy's failure. The way to see him is as a reminder of God's unmitgated grace, faithfulness, and favor to us. Every time I look at that face, I will be able to see the beauty of the work of God in our relationship. He is a reminder that God is sovereign and just and that all things work together for good. That God always accomplishes His purposes in our lives and that He can do everything but fail. This boy will remind me that Love fails not and that God answered every prayer of my heart by allowing this season to be as full as it has been of all the various pieces and emotions.

Beauty for ashes is really what this is and God's glory will be undeniable when it's all said and done.

.... God sure does have a way of making His point...

Lord, I'm sorry. Yes. Everything. You are everything and You can have everything. I will embrace C and I will love - and respect - H. Just help me to keep my eyes on You as the rest of the road reveals itself. Amen.