It's About That Time...

The urge in me to run away is so strong. And I think i'm gonna give myself permission to do that. Just for a few days. Just for a little while. I need time alone away from everything and everybody. Just me and God.

Because lest we're unclear, this is not just about me and H.

I have sick family at the moment too. They're tag-teaming us. My grandfather has been in the hospital for a month and will be in a rehab-hospital for ANOTHER month. My grandmother has also been sick. Took her to the doc got meds and seemed to be getting better. But is NOT getting better. I'm not even staying @ home right now - which is probably a blessing due to the current OTHER situation. *sheesh*, but which is also a stress in and of itself - because I'm helping to grandma-sit, and THAT is more than a notion.

Work. We wont even begin to discuss that. Not at all. Not EVEN at all.

This emotional place, while it might have come to a head because of the situation w/H, is really all about EVERYTHING.

ALL THIS WORK. All this time. All this growth. And all this sacrifice. For it to look, at this point, like things are going BACK to what it was at the start of all this.

I said 'yes' and my life fell completely apart. The whole floor was pulled from under my feet. And I struggled then to hold it together. Failed miserably in a lot of ways. And two years in, was so depressed that I was just ready to quit life altogether. But God did something. He protected me. I know in my heart that He had a constant guard around me to keep the spirit of suicide from me.That place lasted for a while. Much longer than I'm comfortable recalling.

And now, two years LATER. It's all falling apart. AGAIN. The SAME way it did at first. And I'm reeling from it. Staggering to get to my feet and just hold it together somehow. And fighting this onslaught of emotion with all I got.

I stood at the hospital this morning, lookin outside talking to God. And I finally got down to what's so painful here. I said  yes to Him, believing life would get better and understanding that I had a price to pay for the choices I had made before. That price was high, but I figured, you know... I had chosen wrong so going back to the places where i made wrong turns and in effect doing it over really made sense, however uncomfortable or inconvenient it was. I could accept that.

But now? Four years later?  "Yes" still looks like this? It's all still falling apart. All that obedience and all that surrender and sacrifice and what-not. And it still ends up falling apart... All around me. Excpet that now, the stakes are higher than they were then. Because then I had some sort of life. But now. Now I have nothing at all. Because I GAVE IT ALL UP. Everything. Everything.

I gave it ALL up to follow the Lord.

And however strong I might be, I am not super-human. Nor am I immune to the effect of this on my spirit. Becaue in truth, I have not stood under my own strength in quite some time. And now I am beyond aware that the ONLY thing holding me together is God. He has put something in me, surrounding my spirit that won't let my mind fall apart. But my emotions. They're gone. Outta there.

And for me to admit that is a HUGE statement. Because me and emotions, we don't even kick it that strong.

This last blow. It's not about H. It's about the fact that it all looks like I stepped back in time to four years ago. Then, i wasnt so invested in this. Then, losing most of this stuff wouldn't have hit me so hard. But now? Now, I'm fully vested in all this. And losing anything more, be it a man a job or another relationship, its just too much. Flat-out. It's too much.

And every door, every out. God has LOCKED. I cant find a way to run away in this if i tried. Because God just wont open the door to provide the means of escape. Which is all I care to do in this space of time.

I miss me. I miss my own genuine laugh and excitement about life and the possibilities. I miss my beautiful brown eyes MINUS the sadness and seriousness that seems to always be present in this season. I miss being a person who can relax without fear of something else traumatic happening. I miss not having to fake my way through most things emotionally. I miss not always feeling broken and not always feeling like people can look at me and see the mess that is my life. I miss not wanting to hide because I'm ashamed. I miss the places where I genuinely was not uncomfortable or uncertain of me. I miss the me that made some sort of reasonable sense and that made decisions that didnt leave me feeling at the mercy of something I couldn't see or perceive. I miss not having this ridiculous responsibility and all the uncertainty and discomfort that comes with accepting it.

I miss my freedom.

And yeah i know. I have a NEW freedom in Christ. That's all good.

But.

I miss my freedom to live my OWN life. Because at least then I had the illusion of security and safety. At least then, what I had was comfortable.

Cuz all this constant discomfort; this constant risk-taking and stretching and change. This is not what I had in mind. Not at all.

I just miss that space in time where this constant breaking was not my reality. Genuinely I do.

And that's ridiculous. And contrary to God's word. Because He says in Ecclesiates NOT to long for things that were, because we can never know what that road would've  held.  Throughout scripture He says to press forward.

But so help me. Right now. I dont want to press anywhere, excpet far far away.

I have realized in the last two weeks that death is infinitely preferable to insanity. Because death is absolute. And for me, it would be life. A life free of all this that I'm muddling my way through right now. I'd be free. And in a real way, I'm craving that.

But insanity, to live locked up in one's own mind... in one's own pain and brokenness. And to do so indefinitely, until maybe the pieces reconnect somehow and allow you to regroup? That is something that I can't fathom. Not at all.

And because this is where I am - a genuine true reflection of my heart in this moment and a real understanding of just how broken inside I am right now - I am taking some kind of break.

I wanted to check out for a few days (or so) when all this started. But God said, "Not yet. You will need it more later than you do right now.'

I woke up this morning and the only thing I heard was 'I am going to allow you to leave.'

Later I heard 'now you need it.'

And the height of my own ridiculousness is that the part of me who pushes myself beyond what seems to be the limit in most things, has the audacity to think that maybe it isnt time yet. I know. I'm questioning my stability under all this, but I have the nerve to wonder if the timing is wrong... But even as I type this, I'm hearing 'You need to be alone with Me.'

So. I'm checkin' out sometime soon. Maybe even this coming weekend. HOPEFULLY this coming weekend. For as many days as I can manage it. Until I have really been with God. He wants to speak and I really need to hear.

And even if He's silent the whole time, even if all I do is sleep and pray and cry. Even if that's ALL that I do, the respite from real life and all the responsibility that comes with it will be welcome.

It will be more than welcome...