All this raw emotion...
I know this has gotta seem a really public way to deal with a really private hurt... except for the fact that this blog is probably the most private place i have in my life right now... Its the place where I can say what I will, where I can be brutally honest w/myself about my feelings and not be worried that someone is gonna find my words and peruse them like it was meant for their personal entertainment or enlightenment. Because as brutal as I am here and as honest and frank as I can be, I am not unaware that not everyone processes information my way and that not everyone - even people who love me and know me best - can take my frankness as it's usually meant...
See, the thing is this. I'm conflicted. Not as much now as I was earlire today, but still. I make no promises... My emotions are raw... as much is obvious by my posts... But even in that emotional pit, I cannot say that I want truly to hurt my H. Because no matter what we're facing, my heart for him is still protective and still wants to keep him from hurt - at the hands of anybody, and especially me. As rough as that last post was, it just needed to leave my head so that I could start working through it and accepting what's in front of us.
But in my heart of hearts, I would never utter words to him that I know would cut him to the quick, no matter how much anger resides inside. Because at the end of the day, I truly DO want this to be fine. I truly DO want to look back and see how beautifully God has worked this all out. I truly DO want the promises God's made for us and to us...
Somewhere along the line in all this, I've lost the proper respect. I've lost confidence in him and a real trust. I want those things to be re-established. With all my heart, I want them to be re-established. And so does he.
We both want this to be ok. We both want to get beyond this. And I supposed that in some circles, that would mean saying all the stuff to him in my heart. But that's not what's best for either of us right now... Beause as much as I need to process this and be able to genuinely look him in his eyes and tell him it's alright, he needs to know that he hasn't lost all respect in my sight...
I can convey lots of things to him in lots of other ways, but at the end of the day, my words matter... and I'd rather been seen as disrespectful here where it can be easily erased, than to present such an image of disrepsect and disregard for his heart and his hurt to him and add yet another hurdle for us to jump.
Truly, his hurt matters to me. As much as I'd love for it not to, it does.
But my hurt matters too, and it needs an outlet that will give me release and protect us from unacknowledged venom in my own spirit.
In all this, I know H's character. I know that his heart is being molded and shaped. I see God answering prayers I've been praying over him, us, our families for years. This situation gives way to a lot of things and serves as the start for a lot of transformation in a lot of lives & hearts - including ours. It truly will be a blessing in the end...
I'm willing to accept that...
Just bear with me as I get there.
I promise that not every post will be as harsh as that last one -hopefully that one will be the only one of it's kind... I just really need the freedom not to be anything or anybody but me right now. I need to not have to look a certain way or speak a certain way or live up to a certain standard of righteousness. Cuz I'm as human as anybody else, and for all the wisdom and insight, all the grace and strength God's given me, I'm still as susceptible to hurt and brokenness as anybody else. And right now, that's just where I am.
I expect much of myself emotionally. One of my fatal flaws.So I've decided to give myself a pass here. And just let myself be for the moment. It is what it is; when God's ready I'm guessin He'll give me something new. But for right now. It just is what it is. And I'll count it a victory that I haven't run away. Harsh words in an anonymous forum as opposed to relationship-destroying words spoken in hostility and bitterness.I'll take that, and I'm sure that given the option H would too. Cuz at the end of the day, all the matters is that when I am with him, I am what he needs me to be. It matters that I can love him. It matters that I can look at him with compassion. It matters that he can experience the part of me that is sure of God's power to fix this circumstance.It matters that I can give him the grace of not being the angry girl that showed up here today; whatever it takes to get rid of her and to allow the me that God has fashioned with such care tolive, that's what I'll do - angry posts and all. =)
I appreciate ya'll caring for us and praying. I appreciate being supported and loved. It's holding me up right now and I'm grateful.
love ya'll.
Ro
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