One of the things I've been struggling with is why God wants me to be so broken of my resistance & fear of deep pain.
I mean, i know that nobody LIKES to hurt. But I genuinely am AFRAID of deep hurt. For that matter I've always been afraid of any deep emotion. Whether it was love pain joy. Whatever. Because I can't control it. If it runs too deeply, I cant turn it on and off.
Now, i know I cant control it anyway. And I know that my unwillingness to feel deeply doesnt' stop the feelings from running deeply. It just means i'm totally unaware of what they bring.
The challenges life has brought have been pretty overwhelming. And they have forced me to feel, well beyond what I'm comfortable with. Intellect. I got that. Logic. I'm good. Reasonableness. Yep. That's my thing. I like it there. Because everything remains predictable and understandable and controllable.
And the need for predictability and control stems from a lot of things. At the core of it all, I've always been taught that feelings dont matter. Emotions dont count. You do what needs to be done and deal with your feelings later. Problem is, I was never taught HOW to deal wiht them later. Nor was I ever told that sometimes you CAN'T deal with them later. Some feelings have to be handled in the moment and during the process. Sometimes you gotta feel and STILL do what's right. And not all emotion can be blocked. But because I never understood this, I have always taken the same stance. Which has left me paralyzed to allow my heart to dive beneath the level of emotion that can be choked back by my own will.
The other part of this is that growing up, due to a lot of things, as a family we felt lots of pain. We dealt with a lot as a unit and it left me very unwilling to allow anyone - and especially a man - to hurt me. I experienced men before H. But there were only two that were ever close enough to hurt me. And both of them did. One, very very deeply. And it took me a minute. The other one, my pride more than my heart. And genuinely it wasnt as traumatic as I expected. But still. It took me a minute.
So all that said, the very idea that I loved H was overwhelming. And the day that I realized what ability he had to break my heart was also overwhelming; from that moment I've struggled to get past my fear of deep pain. Because the only experience I've ever had w/men has been just that...
Add to that, a lot of death in a very short window of time, and you have this woman who has a fierce need to control any variable in her environment that can shatter a very very cherished even keel. Which is also where my need of comfort stems from.
I want no parts of pain. Not at all. Not on any level for any reason.
But God has been preparing me for a long time for the end of this season; He showed me long ago that it would culminate in pain, just before I recieved the promises.
The problem comes because I have been aware that I was afraid of the pain. So I did all I could to stave it off. But He told me around thanksgiving that it's time to finish this lesson...
"I want you to understand that living for Me rarely allows personal convenience or comfort. Rather, it requires full release of all that you desire in order to live the live that has been pre-destined especially for the elect."
Apparently, He meant that.
I finally, in the midst of my realizations over the weekend, addressed the question of why there is a need to break me so completely of the deep-seated fear of deep pain. Truly, I wanted to understand why this is costing so much and why it just has to hurt so badly, why it has to take me to this place that I've worked so hard to avoid before I'm ready for what I've looked so forward to for so long.
The answer... it was so simple. Really. So simple.
Refusing to experience deep pain is also a refusal to experience deep love.
The little fears that have set up the strong-hold in my heart of the this great, unreasonble fear of deep hurt all really begin and end with one thing: I am deathly afraid of rejection. And any connection with any person that can end in that fear being a reality is a connection that I will only allow to go so far before I pull back. The only problem with that, is that you cant build strong, healthy, genuine relationships that way.
I thought I had worked thru this. And in some ways, on some levels, I have. My relationships with my girlfriends are as real as it gets. I love them and slowly but surely I've learned and am learning to just be me with them. All the messiness and all the 'whatever' that is me, they pretty much get to see it. So far they haven't run off and I haven't pulled away on any major level. I count that a victory. It's wonderful and they have each taught me how to allow my emotional self to live and to blossom. They're still teaching me. Sometimes it still scares me. But at least I'm willing to go there with them now. Because I wasn't before.
But that process with H? Man I've tried. And goodness knows, I've wanted to give in and just go with it. But with him is where the deep-rootedness really shows itself. Kesha has asked me time and again, how he can NOT expect the things that she knows are just a part of who I am. And as non-sensical as it is to her, that's easy. He rarely experiences that side of me. Because my biggest fear ever is that the more he sees of my reality, the faster and farther he will run. Perfection is what makes 'em stay, right? No display of real emotion, no over the topness, a real tight reign and serious selfcontrol. It's the order of the day and things work out fine because I am exactly who he wants me to be then. Isn't that how that's supposed to go? Fun? Relax? Not that serious? Imperfection? Emotions? THOSE things make em run, right?
They sure as hell made my daddy run.
And while he's not the same man now, in regards to running... while he's back and my parents have long since reconciled. He's still that same exacting man. And his approach to love is really pretty much still that way, at least with me. And so. Once again. Who wouldn't be screwed up what with all that positive re-enforcement?!
How does all this tie to pain? Rejection and abandonment are my deepest fears. I have always felt this crazy need to prove that I'm good enough to love. That if you will just give me a chance, I can prove it. And that if I do that, maybe I can avoid the pain i saw until I was an adult.
I remember my mom's pain. I remember my pain. I know how it felt as a daughter and I saw how it felt as a wife.
The day my dad admitted he was leaving my mom - HE was leaving her, even though it was HIM who was in the wrong... That day, I said to him 'It's too hard so you just leave? You just walk away because it gets too hard? You leave us, because it's too hard?'
He looked at me and said 'Yes'....
If I had a chance of not bearing the wound of their mess in my spirit, it ended in that moment...
The way this translates into now is this: I have always loved my father more deeply than almost anyone. That bond between us has been ridiculously deep and that, from that day and through things that happened all that year in our family, was shattered and it has genuinely never been the same. There has been part of me, since that time that does not trust him fully. I dont trust any man fully.
Love em or not. I dont trust them.
And H is no different.
And because of that, I have never ever allowed myself to be fully immersed in our love or our relationship. Oh. I've known for a LONG time just how much I love him. But I have never ever willingly allowed him to go beyond a certain point in my emotional walls - which at this point, and for a long time, has not been by choice.
It's been because of fear. The fear that exactly what HAS happened, WOULD happen.
And God's reason why: all deep emotion brings with it the risk of pain. So, if you forever fear deep pain, you will forever fear deep anything else - especially love.
Can I just say, that hit me like a ton of bricks?! Because that is very truly my reality. Ive been begging to be able to feel deep love for H. Not to just know that it's there between us. But to genuinely feel it, in the depths of myself. I've craved it for a long time. But I could never get past the fear of being too much or not enough in some way...
And then... my very worst fear comes true. I'magine that. Nevermind that God has required me to face EVERY other fear I've ever had that hindered me from walking in full obedience to Him. I should've seen this coming Should've expected it, right?
Yeah.... Not really... Not this way anyway.
I had finally started to rest in us. Finally I had started to believe that he could handle me being me. That he wouldn't throw me away. That I was good enough and special enough and that my impefection wasn't too much. That it didn't make me unloveable. That I could know that in his eyes, I'm worth the work.
And then real life happens. And every one of those feelings that I've harbored and that kept me locked away surfaced.
They have not gone away.
But now, in light of real life, I've been given two choices: I can take the risk and trust him. Even now. I can choose to believe God when He tells me that this is not personal and that this is about H coming face-to-face with Him. I can be obedient and stay; I can wait on H to obey and make a u-turn.
Or I can cut my loses and walk away. I can choose the emotionally safe zone. I can do what I know won't leave me to face this. I can agree to build a life with a man who will give me every comfort I crave and who will require only the emotional commitment I'm willing to make. I can live the life that I had planned for myself before all this... situation... with God. It made sense. It would've served it's purpose. And the cost would be much less. Or it would at least FEEL like much less.
One choice requires me to face this stronghold and allow it to be broken. One allows me to ignore it and live life.With my heart in-tact and my freedom restored...
I do realize the fallacy of the last option and the 'freedom' it brings with it... However. I'm just honest enough to say that it is a real thought and a serious conversation I've had with God today.
Sure it's a sacrifice... but... well... you know...
Cuz peace and painlessness. It matters to me right now. The discomfort in my spirit. The struggle to stay focused on ANYTHING BUT THIS... I'm over it all.
And the longer it takes, the more it lingers, the more serious I get about cutting my loses...
If a brotha has a hope, he needs to make a move - And it needs to be quick. Cuz a shutdown is on the way. Im very slowly dis-engaging myself and relegating him to just somebody I knew who taught me a whole lotta things and that I'm better off leaving behind.
Sounds cold.... It probably is... But it's the only way I'mma feel safe and the only way I know to get beyond this ridiculousness in my heart. Enough is enough. I might not be able to fix him, but I can surely protect me...
For all my desire to please God... maybe I really am just fresh out of any more willingness... maybe enough really is enough...
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