Balloon No. Two

I stayed home from church today. Just felt like God wanted one-on-one time with me.

Knelt to pray... Can't pray....

There's some wall in my spirit.Some door in my hear that needs to be unlocked and I don't exactly what the combination is to do that...

All God says is "Open your heart fully to H. Then you will be able to receive complete revelation from the place in your spirit that needs full relationsihp in order to hear."

I get that.

I totally get that.

God hasn't stopped talking to me in all this. But it's been hard to really hear Him. I started closing doors in my heart to keep H out. And since letting H in was God's idea to start with, that spilled over into trying to keep God out too.

So, just like me and H are not walking in full relationship right now, neither have I been walking in full relationship with God.

But apparently, now it's time. Time for a shift to happen in my relationship with God, just like whatever is starting to happen with H.

God wants to tell me some things. But I wont be able to receive them until I allow this door to open.

That door is fear of intimacy.

Somehow intimacy with God and intimacy with H have become intertwined. I'm not letting either in fully, because I feel hurt/betrayed by both.

H said to me Friday that it's almost like I'm scared to speak. And he's right. But not in the way he thinks. Speaking - because I am a words kinda girl - is direct insight into my heart and my spirit. It's a no-brainer with strangers. They require very little investment, as far as personal revelation goes...

But not with H. I had started opening up and trusting him. Talkin a bit more about what's REALLY happening in me. He called it 'wierd'. And that shut it all down.

And now, to speak... what exactly should I say? What CAN i say that really makes a difference? And how can i say what I'm not even sure of right now? I'm sure taht I love him... I say that to him consistently,even now. I'm sure that I want him? He knows that. I've said that. I'm sure that I'm not vanishing anytime soon? Welll... that's a day by day thing. But so far, i've reassured him in that as much as i can..

Kesha gave me the answer: he wants to know how i feel. it's his way of asking me to let him in.

Anyway... I did ask him why it aggravates him that i'm so quiet... he's all.. iownknow...looking back at it now, i'm sure he was hopin' i'd take it as an open door to give him some insight.

I didn't.

But I need to.

And the only way I can do that is by letting God walk me thru this place of totally not trusting him to get it.

I dont know if that's a valid fear or not. I'm sure it's probably not. But it is what it is.

I've always had that sense of not quite fitting in. I pretty much do my own thing. And I've always been alright with that. I've always loved that part of me that's independent and that doesn't need approval or confirmation from other people. I've seen my strength and self-awareness as qualities to be embraced. And I have lived my life that way for the majority of my 32 years. It's just who I am.

And because I embraced those parts of my personality, I have always been a loner, and have been pretty cool with that too.... I have never felt an overwhelming NEED for close intimate relationships. Not even as  a kid. I remember being in highschool and thinking there was something wrong with me because I couldn't 'feel' love for the few people I called friend.

That bothered me until I was sophomore in college; when I became friends with CJN. Through that relationship, as hard as it was when our friendship ended, I learned that I had the capacity to love deeply and beyond just my family.

But because of how our friendship ended, I also learned yet again how deeply I could feel pain because of love beyond my control.

*uh, God. I see where this is goin and I'm NOT happy about it.*

That relationship was the first one of the two that I had with men, besides H, where i allowed them close enough to hurt me.

He did.

I dealt with it and moved on past it... but I asked God for a friend - a guy friend, because I had NO idea how to relate to chicks at the time. Not at all...

I didnt want a boyfriend. I just wanted a guy friend that I could talk with, confide in, trust... which lookin at it now makes sense, because the closest relationships in my life had been with men. Nothing of a physical nature; just the connection was stronger w/fellas on  a personality level. Men made more sense to me... Anyway... God answered that. He sent CKW.

And that was all good for a while. Til we got sooooo close that the next only logical answer was move forward or walk away. Walking away was the right answer. And it was done the right way. We hadn't compromised physically and we hadn't compromised emotionally. We genuinely had over the course of a few years, established an amazing friendship. And honestly, the distance didn't hurt in the way a betrayal hurt. Because I knew that God had been in control and that He had a plan...

I had come to love CKW and I had come to have a set of beliefs about relationships and marriage and things; considering how close we were and how intimate on an emotional level... the only option that made sense in my  mind or heart was marriage as an ulitmate end. We did it right. It looked right. It felt natural. It made sense. So i figured that in God's time, we'd get there.

Due to lots of things that I am not gonna reveal or re-live here, God allowed me a complete release from that. The 'loose-ends' tied to CKW is why God had me take a step away from H. Over a few months' time, God showed me that that was not an optimal situation and that I could totally disconnect, knowing that I had done my best to honor God in our friendship.

I had called this man friend; he called me friend. But when it came to it, when that friendship was tested, he failed. And he failed miserably. He knew me. I had allowed myself to relax. I shared with him things that I have NEVER shared and I allowed him to support me in the way that friends do. I let all my walls fall and took all my guards down... When it was all said and done, he treated it callously. He forgot that part of friendship is care and consideration - even if you think what you say or express or whatever might hurt.

I wasn't hurt that we weren't in love. I was hurt that he didnt love me enough to be gentle with my heart. And since he has been the closest to me by far in any sort of 'knowledge' of my inner person way, that left a bitter taste in my mouth...

But... I got over it. Genuinely.

And in the midst of disconnecting fully w/CKW, there was H. Who I thought I was free of too.

But then God said  'Go back'.

And what I've never said to anybody about that time in my life is this: I didnt' WANT to go back. I thought God had given me an out and that I wouldn't have to deal with any of what H brought to the table and the work he required internally.

I thought He had given me an out -which was right up my alley. Because the intimacy. I am not a fan. I believe I've said that here before... all that knowing and being known... it seemed that it always ended in a way that brought pain and so... I was pefectly fine with NOT having to learn to navigate that.

Except that God said 'Go back.'

But all those walls. They were up and they were strong. And the guards along with 'em.

***

I'm sitting here typing and totally connecting the dots. Every man that has ever been allowed to genuinely know me, has taken that and treated it in a way that hurt me. And with every hurt, the walls came back stronger, as a way to deal with it and not have to dig too deep. Because that's what you do, right?! You get over it and you move on.

My dad was first. We've already talked about that. Personal truth, awareness, and acceptance were not there. But I was closest to my dad and wanted to please him, beyond anyone else. One of the few times and people who's approval meant something. I never really had it. And I didn't blame myself for it. I just figured I could find it elsewhere.

CJN was the first attempt.... EPIC FAIL

CKW was the next attempt.... EPIC FAIL

And since I was totally over all that by then, I just didn't even extend the invitation to H to know me, beyond what was comfortable. Because he was so not like the other ones, and they are the ones who totally fit the bill. If the ones who made perfect sense didnt' fit, how the hell was H gon' fit?! I'm just sayin....

Obviously that didnt' work out for me. Because he's been my change. He knows me in spite of me and he knows me so well that he knows when there's something i'm holding that needs to be shared...

I've no doubt that this dance with me on that level has gotten old. None at all. Can't say I blame him. Because seriously, he's not the one who broke me. And all the stuff that has happened up to now, would probably not have been nearly as tough if I had just trusted him and seen him for who HE is from the start - rather than assuming that since the other two were ... ridiculous ... then he must be too...

I need to own my part in that breakdown.

And seeing as how now, he's aking me to let him in and he's walking up on this risk of vulnerability in his own heart with me, I'm guessing I need to let go of a fear of intimate knowledge with him that has nothing really at all to do with HIM but that has plenty to do with other people's failures toward me.

It isn't his fault others failed. And he shouldn't be forced to pay the price for that.

And we can't move into anything beyond what we left behind if I don't deal with this....

He wants to know me completely. And I want to be known completely.

so...

BALLOON #2: FEAR OF INTIMACY

This fear is not from God. This fear is rooted in failure to honor my heart, some by my own hand and some not. H is not CJN nor is he CKW. He is also not my dad. The biggest part of this fear of intimate knowledge is that he wont love me if he discovers who i really am inside. I wont be good enough. But seriously. He has loved me in spite of me for our whole relationship. He loves me flaws and all. At the end of the day, I am exactly where he wants to be. He has spent lots of time telling me that and I have spent lots of time pretending I don't get it.

I get it now. This is not about perfection. It's not about not being hurt. It's about genuine relationship and honesty. He wont do this perfectly and neither will I. But we can start over. We both get an opporutnity to leave behind the things that are so destructive to our spirits. We can begin now and allow this process to take us deeper.

I need to admit some things on this one:

I am not so strong that I can walk thru my life by myself. God created me to be a wife and a mother; I've known that since I was ten. I dont get to dictate how that looks. And I dont have to deny the want because it gets too hard sometimes.

That I love myself and all my quirkiness is wonderful. That I have always been ok with me on that level is wonderful. That I enjoy my own company is great. But I dont have to be my own best friend.

All these walls... they really are not worth it. I can trust people. Not everybody will hurt me.

I need H and it's ok that I need H. That fact doesnt make me weak or silly. It makes me human. And it's beautiful.

Allowing myself to feel and to fully engage does not make me weak. And besides that, he'll prolly appreciate a little weakness.

So ok God. You can have this one. Please open the door to full intimacy. I'm inviting You into that place. I'm inviting You to open that door in my heart to H. Please give me the courage to let him in. I'm givin' this fear up, because well... no good will come of me holdin' on to it any longer.

so ok. I GIVE.