My favorite time of any day is when it's still quiet, just before the world wakes up. And if I dont have to venture out, it's the time inside when noone's awake but me and I can sit and think or read or pray or whatever it is I do.
This morning, I could probably still be sleep - and going back to sleep is not a thought that's too far - but... i dunno... i just want to savor the time with me and my thoughts...
Last week was full of so much and i almost dont know what to do with it all. I sense a shift in things, a change that's comin. And I dont really know what it means in a lot of ways... Typically that would unnerve me, but so far this time, not so much...
I always forget what a joy it is for me to teach. Because I learn so much in return.... I used to want to teach elementary school, but somehow I discovered before college that I didn't really want to do that, so i delved into other interests - psychology... but... then, I realized that I AM a teacher. Just not of children, per se. I love to teach other women. There's just something special about building such community with eachother and discovering God and life together....
That passion is one that God has cultivated and grown in the last few years and it seems that He uses it in the most challenging times.... Facilitating the Love Dare this time has been such a challenge, but ya'll it has been so special so far. Not because I see other women diggin' in and beginning to grow, but because this time I am at a place in my own life where I know what it is to love beyond failure and disappointment, and to be loved that same way in return. I'm gaining new insight into God's word and His heart for me - for all of us, really... but that He is so personal to me in such a fresh way, it just makes me really really happy inside. There is a restoration and a tranformation & renewal happening in my spirit and in my heart that I cherish. There is the spirit of change all around me and it's the most phenomenal thing I've felt in a while...
Taking this journey with other women, because it causes me to look beyond my own desires and such, has required me to be in God's presence afresh and to prayerfully consider what He really wants to reveal in and to us all. And as usual, it always comes back to relationship with Him. Which is also a personal passion for me. Such a huge component of obedience is the ability to communicate effectively with God and He has made me keenly aware of how so many of us just dont have that with Him - but how much He desires us to. So recently, as a new component for the Dares, the blog, and the group, we have begun a daily Question for God. Only on day 3 so far, but already, ladies are commenting and sharing what God is revealing to them... I love it...
And I love it personally because in the waiting to recieve the question, God is challenging me also to ASK and not take for granted that He and I have been there and done that. He's challenging me to go deeper with Him. And His answers are astounding to me...
Personally I am walking a path I never thought I'd walk, but that I'm discovering I'd never want to take back. Emotionally I am living an honesty I've never known and that often leaves me conflicted insde... But at this point, I'd not have it any other way - because the self-discovery and the growth that it requires is something I'm finding to be absolutely beautiful in my spirit and perspective. Financially, God is the most amazing provider. He has been so faithful. Beyond faithful. I haven't missed a beat. And if you know my situation, you know that's significant. Professionally... I dont know what comes next. But as I sat and talked with God the other day, He prompted me to revisit some things He had startd revealing to me a long while ago. And I'm discovering that whatever comes next is for some very specific reasons. What I thought I'd pursue is NOT what I will pursue. What comes naturally is what I wanted to do. But God is calling me to venture into what does not come naturally or easily - at least not on some levels.
All this leaves me not a little bit intimidated, but also very very intrigued. Not afraid that I can't or unsure that it's right. God's been giving me thoughts along the lines of what He's started revealing for a little while, so I'm not shocked at the changes... just left with a healthy dose of the fact that, like everything else, there will be grace in abundance to get me through it and to help me excel in it...
I dunno how all the pieces fit; have no idea how it all comes together to ultimately equip me/us for the work I know God has on reserve. But I do know that I choose God's way and His plan in my life. I dont want distractions. I don't want man's wisdom. I don't want the easy road so much anymore (at least not right now. Ha!). I have learned to value my alien status. I have learned to appreciate not looking to the right or to the left, but staying the course set before me. I've learned to accept that God is not always to be understood. And I've learned that a comfortable life is overrated.
My own humanity sometimes craves that which doesn't require hard work or sacrifice. But my spirit yearns to know God's power and manifest glory... and since that only comes by being willing to go the distance with Him, then it means that comfort and convenience are not part of the deal. And finally, I'm learning to be ok with that.
FINALLY I am accepting that life is full of things we cannot even begin to expect, control, or ignore. It's meant to be lived in a glorious way, as an all-encompassing collaborative act of worship.
And that's exactly what I want. For me and everybody connected to me. I want our lives to be one big act of worship.
The beauty IS in the journey. You CAN dance in the rain. And God DOES give beauty for ashes.
As much as I want the destination, as much as I want the sunshine, as much as I want everything to be pristine, I want more than anything to know that God is pleased in what my life and heart reflects. And I want to see in my Love the amazing brokenness that facilitates transformation... not only for him, but for us and our family. I want him to love the way life looks too.... I want all that's inside him to belong to God. I want him to have what I have with God. I want his life to just be a beautiful expression of Christ on every level and at every turn... That's my heart's desire for him and for the life we live together...
God has said to me 'count the cost' ... I have. I am. And finally, with convicition of spirit, I can say 'Lord, it's worth it. It's all worth it.' Every tear and every bit of brokenness. Having gone thru the fire and being able to see even just the beginnings of the breakthrough. Having been so broken and so fearful of my own heart, and seeing what God has done in me; knowing that my allegiance is to Him alone. Sure that I am a Christ Follower for the long haul and not just a saved woman speaking empty words and never ever experiencing the reality of sanctification. Positive that I've made the right choices. And able to live and die with total peace in who I am at this point in my life.
I'll take that. I'll take it every time and over everything else. I am who God says I am. I believe in who He's destined me to be. I know that I'm strong enough to live life in all it's unorthodox glory. And I'm sure that the sacrifice has been worth the blessing.
Change is on the horizon. I know that life as I have known it will never be the same again. And I'm gonna embrace it with everything I got.
Have a great Sunday ya'll.
ro
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