Authenticity... Trying to Grasp It All...

Off and on all weekend long I've come here. My head is full and my heart is too. But I dont know quite how to express it...

I'm shying away from talkin to people in any real way about any of this anymore; I dunno. I guess maybe I'm just ready for something other than this. Things are what they are and honestly I'm really just over the whole thing... not over it as in mad or exasperated. But just... over it...

I'd much rather God talk to me about work or my family or something. But this seems to be the order of the day, so I guess I'll just keep typing and see where it takes me this time.

Authenticity.

That's a million dollar word. One I have apparently never really fully understood. Authentic to me just meant 'not fake'. As in, you are who you are. You just always make sure you put your best foot forward and you have all these nice neat little packages and compartments in life. And then I learned just how not realistic that thought was. But I still thought authenticity was in a lot of ways a very surface thing...

Who knew I'd learn through all this what it is to really be authentic? To really own your wants and needs and desires and etc - even in going before God. Truly. For whatever reason, that never quite dawned on me. But then the other day as i posted, it clicked. And it's interesting. In being so upfront during my time with God, I felt a sort of release in my own spirit.

I gave myself a pass to not do this perfectly. I gave myself a pass to not want to talk to H - and to actually indulge that in those moments.I gave myself a pass to not want to explain or justify my behaviors and responses to any of this - and to actually NOT be bothered to do either of those things. Its like I gave myslf permission to just not be that into this whole scene. And I'm really taking full advantage of that.

And finding that I like it.

Do I miss H? Of course I do. Do I want things to be resolved? Absolutely. Am I gonna just ignore that man for days and days on end? Most likely not. Am I gonna obey and really work on this with him? Sure am.

But... i get to breathe in this. I get to take a step back if and whenever I need to. I get to take care of me. I get to be my own advocate right now. And for once in my life, it doesn't feel selfish.

Becuse at the end of the day, responding to myself in a way that allows my heart to heal in a way that honors God and H, is just as important as how hard I work to show him... whatever he needs to see.

i'm still working th ru this one. I know there's more but I'm too tired to keep goin down the path right now. So I'mma get some sleep and maybe I'll be back in a few hours to finish discovering whatever truth God is trying to show me. - because I know its there. I can feel it in my spirit; I'm just too tired to grab hold of it right now and delve down deep into it.

later.