Pride. It has been my companion since I was a little girl. And it has gotten me into plenty of trouble.
I never really realized until I started trying to love the Lord just how much pride kept me from genuine relationships. Or just how much I missed out on personally because I was too proud (too into my own 'somebody-ness') to just relax and take things for what they were.
Since I've begun my blogging journey, I've posted often about the humbling the Lord has begun in my life and my heart. And I've gotten better, but I still really have a long way to go.
One of the major testing grounds has been work, for me. As things beging to shift with my work situation, I find myself faced with a situation very similar to one I left 2 years ago. The stakes are higher now; I'm in a most excellent position with this company. I love my job. When I started here, I had two bosses - brothers and partners. I love them both. And then this new thing came along and we are headed very rapidly back to where I was two years ago.
And it makes me uneasy.
I was told several weeks ago that my past would try to re-enter and that I needed to remain steadfast and obedient. Little did I know it would come this way. Former boss: arrogant, condescending and very resentful of me. I could say blue and he'd say green. But if someone else said blue, it was all good. Things between he and I escalated to the point where he was working to fire me. Thankfully, my response was one where my ego didn't take over and when I left it was by my choice (and God's instruction) and not at my former employer's hand.
Fast-forward to today. And you have much the same situation, except the company is much smaller, but headed in a very 'corporate' direction and the boss with whom I have the conflict is one of my sisters. And ya'll it really is a hot mess.
I already do not want to be part of anything 'corporate'. It is not my style, nor my personality. I don't do well with too much drama and too much conflict. And I certainly don't want my days filled with contention because my confidence and ability is frowned on as 'uncooperative' - especially seeing as how it is my 'uncooperativeness' that will keep us all outta harms ways.
SO UNFAIR. I'm praying. Asking the Lord what to do, how to respond, if I really HAVE been uncooperative - because you guessed it. My pride has wanted to really act a fool. And I have had a really hard time keeping that baby sleep. My attitude has gone south, my face shows all my business and I'm just seriously not up for this foolishness.
And then comes Jesus. And His Daddy. They got some other things in mind. *raised eyebrow*
I end up being admonished regarding pride in my life. And feeling like I'm being asked to just be walked all over because I'm being told very clearly to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. SHE'S trippin, and I'M the one being corrected. THEHECK????
'But Lord, I'm not wrong. She's gonna mess it up and then I'mma be the one to get the blame for HER mistake.'
'Rosheeda be obedient. I will take care of her.'
'Lord, I'm real sick of all this. I thought I was finally getting a break. I don't want to fight anymore - for anything else. Isn't it time out for all that?'
'I Am taking you to the next level professionally.'
'I don't even WANT a next level. All I wanna do is get married, have some babies and be a wife and momma. Seriously, that whole professional ambition thing passed my by a looooong time ago.'
'Trust Me. My ways are not your ways. My time is not your time.'
Frustrated, mad and really not understanding why any of this is as messed up as it is. Yep. That's me.
Then it dawned on me: PRIDE. It needs to be broken. AGAIN. In a significant way. Ugh. Will I EVER be done with this lesson? Because really, I understand - at least in part - the whole 'next level' thing. Don't want to, but I do...
So. I guess that just like all those other times, I need to trust God's ways and let Him have this thing too.
I am learning that everything boils down to trust. If I trust God, pride really does not have to be an issue - because it is a defense mechanism for me. If I believe God is who He says, then it should be easy for me to be quiet and submit to this process too, right? Yeah, but for my humanity, maybe so. As it stands right now: not really.
It is such a struggle for me that even this post is hard to type. I feel very vulnerable when I cannot defend myself and right now I feel wide open to an attack that I can't counter.
And it is made harder because I look at her and I see me. I see the very obvious arrogance and haughtiness that was such a part of my presentation for so long. I see the true lack of confidence that really is the driving force behind the pride. The idea that she has something to prove and that she is not gonna let anyone take advantage of her or look down on her or hurt her. I see the lack of self-awareness and the fear of what she'll find out about herself if she lets her gaurd down. I see the refusal to concede because it means she loses face. She's put up all this fight and done all this carryin' on, only to be proven wrong -but she can't back down now. Because then she's showing weakness and that just won't do. The need and desire to be loved and accepted - but the fear that no matter what she does, she'll never receive what she longs for so much. There is so much in her face, in her eyes. Rebellion - but not because she feels like she's entitled. Because she feels like it's the only way to make her mark, to be seen as special.
And as I see all this, my heart breaks for her because I know this place. With the exception of having something to prove, she is me. And I know what was REALLY goin' on inside me when all that everybody else saw was a judgemental, self-righteous, uber-critical, overly anal, high-strung, critical, mean witch. Cuz I mighta come across that way, but my real deal was that I was afraid. I had never felt good enough and I didn't know that I could be imperfect and still be loved. So I assumed rejection was what I would ultimately experience and I had to make sure that, at all costs, there was never any reason to throw me away. It was totally lost on me that my imperfection is exactly what makes me special. The things about me that are 'quirky' are the things that make me, me.
The more I embrace that truth, the more pride falls away and the more it is replaced by compassion. And really, that's my hope for Chocolate Drop. That she would embrace her personal truth and discover her value for herself. That she would like herself and just be easy with who she is - even if she IS a little messed up. That's alright. Just makes the ride that much more interesting.
And so, I guess having said all this, I can now honestly surrender this one to the Lord and rest in Him. I can accept that this is not about me and that He will work this out in His way and His time for His own pleasure.
So Lord, I give. I'll do this thing til You say otherwise. I'll be easy and trust You. I'll be obedient and let You fight this out for me. And I will take Your position on Chocolate Drop and not glory in her failure, but rejoice in the refining and transforming that comes as a result of You doing Your thing.
I'm sorry and I give.
I never really realized until I started trying to love the Lord just how much pride kept me from genuine relationships. Or just how much I missed out on personally because I was too proud (too into my own 'somebody-ness') to just relax and take things for what they were.
Since I've begun my blogging journey, I've posted often about the humbling the Lord has begun in my life and my heart. And I've gotten better, but I still really have a long way to go.
One of the major testing grounds has been work, for me. As things beging to shift with my work situation, I find myself faced with a situation very similar to one I left 2 years ago. The stakes are higher now; I'm in a most excellent position with this company. I love my job. When I started here, I had two bosses - brothers and partners. I love them both. And then this new thing came along and we are headed very rapidly back to where I was two years ago.
And it makes me uneasy.
I was told several weeks ago that my past would try to re-enter and that I needed to remain steadfast and obedient. Little did I know it would come this way. Former boss: arrogant, condescending and very resentful of me. I could say blue and he'd say green. But if someone else said blue, it was all good. Things between he and I escalated to the point where he was working to fire me. Thankfully, my response was one where my ego didn't take over and when I left it was by my choice (and God's instruction) and not at my former employer's hand.
Fast-forward to today. And you have much the same situation, except the company is much smaller, but headed in a very 'corporate' direction and the boss with whom I have the conflict is one of my sisters. And ya'll it really is a hot mess.
I already do not want to be part of anything 'corporate'. It is not my style, nor my personality. I don't do well with too much drama and too much conflict. And I certainly don't want my days filled with contention because my confidence and ability is frowned on as 'uncooperative' - especially seeing as how it is my 'uncooperativeness' that will keep us all outta harms ways.
SO UNFAIR. I'm praying. Asking the Lord what to do, how to respond, if I really HAVE been uncooperative - because you guessed it. My pride has wanted to really act a fool. And I have had a really hard time keeping that baby sleep. My attitude has gone south, my face shows all my business and I'm just seriously not up for this foolishness.
And then comes Jesus. And His Daddy. They got some other things in mind. *raised eyebrow*
I end up being admonished regarding pride in my life. And feeling like I'm being asked to just be walked all over because I'm being told very clearly to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. SHE'S trippin, and I'M the one being corrected. THEHECK????
'But Lord, I'm not wrong. She's gonna mess it up and then I'mma be the one to get the blame for HER mistake.'
'Rosheeda be obedient. I will take care of her.'
'Lord, I'm real sick of all this. I thought I was finally getting a break. I don't want to fight anymore - for anything else. Isn't it time out for all that?'
'I Am taking you to the next level professionally.'
'I don't even WANT a next level. All I wanna do is get married, have some babies and be a wife and momma. Seriously, that whole professional ambition thing passed my by a looooong time ago.'
'Trust Me. My ways are not your ways. My time is not your time.'
Frustrated, mad and really not understanding why any of this is as messed up as it is. Yep. That's me.
Then it dawned on me: PRIDE. It needs to be broken. AGAIN. In a significant way. Ugh. Will I EVER be done with this lesson? Because really, I understand - at least in part - the whole 'next level' thing. Don't want to, but I do...
So. I guess that just like all those other times, I need to trust God's ways and let Him have this thing too.
I am learning that everything boils down to trust. If I trust God, pride really does not have to be an issue - because it is a defense mechanism for me. If I believe God is who He says, then it should be easy for me to be quiet and submit to this process too, right? Yeah, but for my humanity, maybe so. As it stands right now: not really.
It is such a struggle for me that even this post is hard to type. I feel very vulnerable when I cannot defend myself and right now I feel wide open to an attack that I can't counter.
And it is made harder because I look at her and I see me. I see the very obvious arrogance and haughtiness that was such a part of my presentation for so long. I see the true lack of confidence that really is the driving force behind the pride. The idea that she has something to prove and that she is not gonna let anyone take advantage of her or look down on her or hurt her. I see the lack of self-awareness and the fear of what she'll find out about herself if she lets her gaurd down. I see the refusal to concede because it means she loses face. She's put up all this fight and done all this carryin' on, only to be proven wrong -but she can't back down now. Because then she's showing weakness and that just won't do. The need and desire to be loved and accepted - but the fear that no matter what she does, she'll never receive what she longs for so much. There is so much in her face, in her eyes. Rebellion - but not because she feels like she's entitled. Because she feels like it's the only way to make her mark, to be seen as special.
And as I see all this, my heart breaks for her because I know this place. With the exception of having something to prove, she is me. And I know what was REALLY goin' on inside me when all that everybody else saw was a judgemental, self-righteous, uber-critical, overly anal, high-strung, critical, mean witch. Cuz I mighta come across that way, but my real deal was that I was afraid. I had never felt good enough and I didn't know that I could be imperfect and still be loved. So I assumed rejection was what I would ultimately experience and I had to make sure that, at all costs, there was never any reason to throw me away. It was totally lost on me that my imperfection is exactly what makes me special. The things about me that are 'quirky' are the things that make me, me.
The more I embrace that truth, the more pride falls away and the more it is replaced by compassion. And really, that's my hope for Chocolate Drop. That she would embrace her personal truth and discover her value for herself. That she would like herself and just be easy with who she is - even if she IS a little messed up. That's alright. Just makes the ride that much more interesting.
And so, I guess having said all this, I can now honestly surrender this one to the Lord and rest in Him. I can accept that this is not about me and that He will work this out in His way and His time for His own pleasure.
So Lord, I give. I'll do this thing til You say otherwise. I'll be easy and trust You. I'll be obedient and let You fight this out for me. And I will take Your position on Chocolate Drop and not glory in her failure, but rejoice in the refining and transforming that comes as a result of You doing Your thing.
I'm sorry and I give.
No comments:
Post a Comment