Shame & All That

I was talking to my person yesterday and I mentioned the shame part of this thing and she said something so very insightful... Outside your family and your closest people, who really has to know? People know so little about the two of you in general that most people will never know the reality of this unless you tell them. And even with your family, how much do you really have to share. All they will know is that it's there. They wont know when you found out how you found out or any of that, unless you tell them.

She made a great point. And it stayed with me all evening and night and on into this morning.

Add to that the fact that I have a circle of women that God gave me pretty shortly after I started this blog as friends and a support system. As a matter of fact, I met one of my best friends through this group.

(See a set-up comin in this? Yeah. I didnt either at first... )

I was brave enough to ask them to pray in general yesterday. But I wasn't brave enough to share the whole story.

Even as I typed, I heard the Father say 'I have given them to you for support. Allow them to support you.' And like the wonderful women they are, they rose up with wisdom and encouragement that just blessed my soul.

This morning I heard again 'let them support you.' So. I took the risk. I shared all of it. Gave them details and specifics. These women, i know they are prayer warriors. I know they seek God. I know that they know God in the unorthodoxy of life. And God said let them in. So I did...

As I was typing, putting it all out there for everybody to know, God showed me something... The only way this will be a shame that we have to bear is if we treat it as such. Is this situation a result of sin? Yes. But is the end result truly something of which to be ashamed? Not at all.

It dawned on me as I was typing and feeling fear and uncertainty and all those things about sharing such an intimate personal part of my heart, that the only power this situation will carry is that that is ascribed to it by me.

Shame is only as powerful as you allow it to be.

This situation is no different than anyother one we've faced. Not really. I've taken the same position in this relationship all along: you dont have to like it. You dont have to agree. You dont even have to understand. But at the end of the day, you need to accept it and respect it. Cuz if I can get over it, and I'm the one in it and ultimately paying whatever cost for it, then surely you can.

This is the same. People make mistakes. Bad choices. There are countless personal indiscretions all across the board in all our lives and none is any worse or any better in God's sight. And they all cost somebody something somewhere. But that doesnt take away from the fact that we are each worthy of love and of experiencing God's absolute best for our lives.

I'm no better than H. Who, exactly, am I that should think myself to good to work this out? Who, exactly, am I that I should believe I have a right to be too tired, too done, too... whatever... to extend the same grace and offer the same love and take the same joy in healing that has been extended, offered, and taken in me?

I'm outta line. This is not a shame. But my attitude. My conduct. If it doesn't line up, it most definitely will be.

What satan means for evil God means for good.

No weapon formed against us shall prosper.

Love never fails.

This battle is not against flesh and blood. And as much as I have resented H seeing me as the enemy, I need to stop seeing his people that way. They are not the enemy. The spirits at work in & through them, THEY are the enemies. And they won't be defeated by my own pride, hurt, and bad attitude. The greatest weapon we have is Love. It's in Ecclesiastes somewhere.

Satan knows me. He knows my arrogance. He knows my history. He knows my fear of rejection. He knows my pride. He isn't playing for just one life. He wants the whole shebang.

Romans 5:19-21 'For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so alas through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous. The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, GRACE INCREASED ALL THE MORE, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign THROUGH righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

The direction to me is nothing complicated: Know who You are. Stay firm. Be righteous. Love your husband.

I have asked God to credit my faith as righteousness. Obedience is a by-product of that.... and based on this passage obedience leads to righteousness, which allows grace to increase and to reign so that God's eternal work can be made manifest.

God is doing an eternal work. Of all the players here, the most important choice any one of us can make is righteousness. So... in as much as I can choose. In as much as my choice matters, I choose righteousness. And I pray that through that choice on my part, the many would be made righteous in this and that eternal life would come to them that have yet to recieve the gift of God's love.

I am no better than my husband. God's grace was enough for me and it's foolish of me to not believe that it's enough for H.

Yeah. I'm getting over myself.