You're Free. Now Choose Again.

Ugh.

I feel like God is testing me. And He probably is.

This authenticity thing. 

oh boy.

It's almost like God has allowed this door to open so that He can prove to me who I really am at this point. Which is all good, except... I dunno the answer.

I mean. I know that I needed to get to the place inside me where I could really be honest w/myself and God and even H about all this. That's not a bad thing at all.

But now, I'm faced with this unexpected turn of events. The more I've surrendered myself to this process this week, the more I see the freedom that I can take right now. I mean really. It is what it is, right? The instruction was to stay.... I'm still here....

But uh... cant that be on my terms?When it's convenient for me? Can't I still be here and even be checked in - only I do what I want outside the time we spend together? I mean... I'm strong enough to not compromise us in any real way, right? I deserve the time to breathe, right? Some 'me' time. Even H says I need it, right?

This authenticity thing... It apparently has the potential to go terribly wrong.

God told me a week or two ago that I would need to be making some choices as to whether or not I would keep on following Him. I would have the opporutnity to choose my road again.

So like, really. In light of the stronghold being broken and the new sense of freedom in my spirit, I am getting a literal do-over here. This is pretty much all the way back to the place where God called me to choose Him or me the first time. And I did it partially. H was the place where God gave me an opportunity to choose Him. H was the right choice, made with the wrong heart, attitude and perspective. God kept showing me, and I kept rejecting it out of hand because it didnt fit MY desires and MY idea of waht was best.

We're back here again. Who can really be shocked?!

And I can very literally do the same thing all over again: make the right choice with the wrong heart, attitude and perspective. I can take advantage of the bond between us and the fact that he'll work hard enough for the both of us to hold on to what we have. Just like I did then.

Or I can make the right choice on every level and choose God fully, instead of a little bit of God with a LOTTA BIT of me.

The glaring difference is that then, I didn't do the things I did with the knowledge that I have now.

But now. Now I know better. And now I'm being called to choose from a place of freedom, rather than of bondage.

The question on the table is this: do you get your freedom, only to squander it and go back to living with a worldly mentatlity? Or do you get your freedom and choose the slavery of righteousness?

"Will you put Me away now and live your own life, or will you follow Me still and fully commit to the life I have for you?"

I mean. Since you put it that way, Lord...

Out of all that I'm tempted with right now, this has been the most appealing. And I need to give it up before I ruin my own life.

A wise woman builds her house but a foolish one tears it down with her hands.

In all the pleasure of self-discovery and freedom, the reality is that I was not set free to do my own thing. God hasn't released me from my fears and bad choices only to have me live life on my own terms.

... God has such a way of making things plain....

H just called me. We talked for a second. He said 'I called you last night, about x number of times.'  I responded saying that I saw the last couple of calls, but that my battery had died and I didnt have my charger to call back. Which, was kinda true. My battery was NEARLY dead and it would've died pretty much as soon as I answered. But... I didnt answer the phone because I really just didnt want to be bothered...

His response to my response was to start to say something, but then catch himself and just say 'ok'. Meaning he doesnt believe me. Meaning that he feels like whatever I was doing, I just blew him off...

As we hung up, God gave me an image of him. He's tired. Sweaty and worn out like he just finished the race of his life. And he's broken.

"He's trying to make his way back... "

And the only thought I had was, don't hurt him on purpose. Don't mistreat him.

"Dont reject his efforts."

I'm wrong. This whole set of feelings I've had the last couple of days. They're wrong. It is NOT what it is.

"You cannot on be partially vested. You are committed in full or not at all, but to only check-in partially is to hurt him. You cannot expect him to walk in maturity if you are unwilling to fully engage."

In that moment, I made my decision.

I wont hurt him. We've done way too much of that. We've been waay too careless with eachother - for whatever the reason. And what God is doing is much too precious to throw it away for something as foolish as an unanswered phone call.

Alright God. Your way. And Your way alone. Not a little bit of You and a lotta bit of me. No partial check-in. I'm here. Present and fully engaged. I'm sorry.

Oh boy. The irony of it all....

oh boy...

Trust*Submission*My Wierdness

Chu is the first and only man that I have ever had in my life that has allowed me to find the courage enough to see him as trustworthy. He has endured my distance and my coldness and my total lack of expectation - at least of anything worth having. And even in the times where he has met my expectation of UTTERLY failing, he has gotten up, dug his feet in and gotten back to the business at hand... And all of this proves to me that he is trustworthy. My heart is safe with him. And this, I have worked really hard to grow into...

Just when I get comfortable... BAM ... here comes some more growth. *rollin' my eyes waaaaaaaaaay too hard*

I gotta learn how to submit? Not really feelin' that. We won't even go there with the conversation between me and the Lord on this one. Just know: HE WON.

I followed the direction and let Chu dictate the flow of things over the weekend. And considering that this is in direct relationship to my miffed-ness with him last week, we all know this did not taste sweet going down for me. HOWEVER, for him it seems to have unlocked some door internally. That man started speaking like he intends to be the head of somebody's household *coughcough* and I sat and listened in sheer amazement at the fact that he seemed to grow like FIFTY FEET TALL in 30 seconds flat. And it was in that moment that I realized what I am being called to do is not just to do what he tells me to do, or to let him have the last say because that's really his right position, but I am being instructed (and please note, I did not say 'asked' or 'encouraged') to trust that man with my life.

Now, I have always known that submission is just a matter of whether or not I trust him and more than that, whether or not I trust Him with my life. It has been all good to learn all that in theory. I have sat thru marriage classes plenty of times and all this has been drilled into my head countless times - but seriously it was all good, LONG AS IT DIDN'T APPLY TO ME. Now that I am having to begin applying all this head-knowledge, I'm finding that my heart is a very reluctant student.

More and more we are talking about building a life together and as exciting as that prospect is for me, it is overwhelmingly nerve-inducing. Seriously. I break out in a cold-sweat (not really, just being dramatic). The very idea of that sort of one-on-one all up in my business all the time-ness is jus a BIT much for my not very public,unaccustomed to sharing or having to do what somebody tells me to, loner self.

I discovered this weekend that submission is about so much more than just accpeting his authority &/or input; it really is about trust. It is a matter of whether or not I trust him to care for me fully, whether or not I trust him to know me - really know me - intimately and still like me, let alone still love me, whether or not I trust him to see me in all of my un-pretty glory and still think I'm sexy. (He's seen ugly clothes and even seen ugly hair, but tied up hair? DO RAGS and satin caps people, and other 'before I'm semi-puttogether' mess? NOT EVEN.) And we will not even discuss the idea of goin to the bathroom with him in the same house. SO SERIOUS. *tmi, maybe?* Wondering if he will be so grossed out at the un-ladylike things that he has so far been spared, that it'll send him packin', and trusting that none of that foolishness really matters to him and all that DOES matter is the life we share.

Some of this is silly I know, but it's real and honest and in the course of the time we spent together this weekend and last night, all of it dawned on me in a very fresh, real, new way...

But I guess I'd rather tackle this mountain of trusting him fully than live a life that does not include him at all... So it's on to conquer the beast, people!

bye,

PS - Don't be surprised if you see more and more of this mess. *Rolling my eyes* I have to work thru it somehow and it doesn't sound as babyish if I blog it, as it would if I were to oh... i dunno... tell Chu how I'm feelin. *sheesh. I liked it better when I didn't care what a man thought.*

Ten Thing Tuesday

So. Mrs. Brownstone, over at XBox Wife, is hosting this meme.

The way it works is this: you list ten things that are a blessing to you today, already. No matter what time. (Head over to Jill's spot and read the whole post.) Click the link to X-Box Wife in this post and leave your link in the comments on her post, the Hostess with the Mostest. And be sure to read the other people's comments too!

My Ten Things Today:

1. This morning I woke up ready to face this day head on.
2. I was able to tackle some really big things in my life before it got too busy today.
3. I realize today that I WANT- truly want - what the Lord has for me.
4. I realized this morning that love doesn't have to look any one way to be right. It just has to be real and rooted in the Lord.
5. Today I got a sweet good morning i/m from a sweet friend.
6. I gave myself license to just RELAX and be...
7. I got a chocolate twist and chocolate milk for breakfast! Yum!
8. I managed to uncover my inner 'ride-or-die' chick!
9. Today I found my voice. ( to sing, to speak, to pray)
10. I have warm, comfy clothes on because I can dress however I wanna, for my work. YAY, me!

This is a great me-me, Jill!

Today was sorta serious, but it won't always be that way.

For more, head over to Jill's spot. (And by the way, glad you're back girl!)

Wrestle With The Angel

The question He has not answered: God, why would you let this happen? Why would you do this to me?

The question He HAS answered: God, there must be something more than just him drawing close to You and surrendering his will to Yours. What do You want from me in all this? What are You trying to teach me? What lesson do I need to learn here?

His answer: You need to know that I AM bigger than people and their choices. You need to know My power even in the most difficult of circumstances. You need to know that I Am faithful to keep My word.

"God I'm tired. I'm hurting and I'm tired."

"Wrestle with the angel, love."

"But how? I don't understand? How do I do that?"

"Fight for your family."

"DUDE! What does that mean? Am I just slow or am I purposely not getting this?What's with all these hidden answers?"

"My answers are always direct."

"But I dont have anymore fight left in me. I'm over this. I'm done. I'm not doin this God."

"Wrestle with the angel."

...

So. We wrestled.

All day. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth we went.

'God, I can't do this. I just... I cant do this. I dont want to do this. I love you God but You've asked too much. I just ... no. Just no. I can't. .... but God, I love you. I want to serve You. I want so much to please You. I want to be able to do this. ... But this is just too much. Too much sacrifice. Too much to give up. Too much pain. I can't face this. I cant' do this. ... Everything. Everything God. I've given You everything. And now You require this too? Everything God... I want so much to honor You. My life, I want so much to live it for You... '

And so it went. Until finally all I could say was... 'I'm broken inside. I know that You're  holding the linch-pin in place and that if You pull it out, i'm gonna sink to the bottom of this pit and just lay there and die inside. Because I'm not strong enough for anymore. I don't have anymore. I am at the end of me. There is nothing left. No more fight. Nothing. God. I love you.You gotta do something because I can't do it on my own. I need You to do something in this. Because I dont wanna be in that pit. I dont want to die. I want to live, God. I am at the end of my sanity. Please don't let me fall.'

His answer: "Well done. Breakdown brings healing. No lie of satan will bear fruit in your spirit... life will overwhelm you and not death... love fails not.... you have resisted the enemy and I will give you rest ...'

So again... Yes Lord. Because at the end of the day, that's the only choice there really is. Yes is the only option. At least for me, anyway.

I'm Singing...

'Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your name.
'Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your glorious name.
'You give and take away. You give and take away.
'My heart will choose to say Lord blessed be Your name.'

Is all I hear in my head right now.

...

God You've been good to us. Thankyou Father for Your grace and Your mercy. You do give and take away and no matter what, we will bless Your name. Make us ready. Give us peace.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Can I Just Run Away?

I wanna hide out. I NEED to hide out.

Wow.

I just had this conversation I had NO BUSINESS having.

I need a time out.

Lord, please let me take a time out soon?

Now I see why I cant just vanish. I would so not respect what God's asked of me. I wouldn't even try.

I'm having this conversation KNOWING i'm wrong and KNOWING i dont even want it. I just want to not hurt.

This stupid ish is how stuff gets all  messed up even worse.

DUDE.

I need to take a step back. It has been a long time since I hurt so badly that all I want is a way to make it stop.

A very long time.

Woooow. God's grace. He just made that real.

Very real.

Ok. I'm gonna be quiet now and do some serious talking to Jesus. Cuz this.... I obviously need it.

Job & His God

I am one of those people who prays boldly. And I ask for difficult things, not really knowing what I'm asking until well after I've asked.

One day, quite a while ago, after quitting my job , I prayed something like 'Lord, if you want me to be a modern day Job, so be it. I'll do it because I love you enough to endure it.' All I was really TRYING to say was that I would endure the hardship I saw very clearly headed my way. I was certainly not really begging God to allow Satan a hand at everything BUT my life.

As it turns out, God took me literally. And with the exception of my health (well... in any severe way), He allowed access to my whole life, except... well... the living part.

I'm not exaggerating. It may not have been taken in as dramatic a way (freak accidents like houses caving in on ALL his kids and such), but literally everything I had worked so hard for I lost. And I do mean everything - except what I took when I moved back home, which amounted to a very few pieces of clothes, a couple pair of shoes, and a basket of stuffed animals.

Some would have called this my wilderness, but it hasn't been. My wilderness had happened years prior, and had really come to an end just before this current ride got wild. I left the wilderness and found my way to God's heart. And THEN He proceeded to take me on the ride of my life. It has been amazing.

When I prayed that day, in honesty, I had an idea what I was doing - what I was asking Him to allow. But I could no more have stopped myself asking than I could stop breathing...

I am a 'show me' kinda girl. I need to see. I need to experience. I want to know first hand. I'd heard so long how Scripture can live and how God is the Living Word and all that. I wanted to find out for myself. So I asked. And I continued to ask, even when the asking didn't always seem to be advantageous. And He showed me...

To say this has been a hard season is an understatement. And to say that I would do it all over again would be a bold-faced lie. Because if I had it to do again, I would ask God to PLEASE find a less painful way of coming to know Him.

Now. That being said... I wouldn't trade this season for anything. I have never experienced such a rich awareness of His presence in my life and I have never enjoyed such a deep intimacy at any other time.

In this season I have come to know God for myself. I have come to know that He speaks, if we care to listen. I have to come to understand that His ways aren't mine; nor are His time or His thoughts. In fact His ways, time and thoughts are higher than mine. Just like He said.

I have come to know that wisdom to God is truly foolishness before man. I've lived that scripture again and again.

I've come to learn to be content with little, just like I was content with much.

I've begun to accept that God isn't always to be understood, but He IS always to be obeyed.

And more than any of that, I've come to know how very deeply He loves me. I've come to see myself in a new light, because He loves me like I've never grieved His heart. And on top of all that, He's been taking me down the marvelous path of learning to love others.

Wow.

He's made me some promises. Made them pretty early in this journey. And at first I wanted Him to keep them because I obeyed. Then I wanted Him to keep them because I was tired. Then I wanted Him to keep them because He made them. Then I wanted Him to keep them RIGHT NOW. Because really. This has been a long road.

And then. Maybe a week or two or so ago, things start happening. I started seeing prayers being answered little by little. More and more each week. Then this weekend He said to me that this week would be full of blessings. I thought, yeah ok. If that's anything like it's been in the past, what You are calling a blessing will probably not feel that way.

But lo and behold, this week has been full of blessings. Started Saturday and has continued from there.

It would seem that the restoring process is starting slowly but surely...

I used to wonder why when God was speaking to people in Scripture He'd say 'the God of your fathers' and stuff like that instead of calling Himself 'your God' when He was in direct communication... WhatI have concluded is that God knows that until we go thru something that truly allows us to know Him for ourselves, He is not really our God.

I can say now that He is my God.

I can say how very loving and kind and just and faithful He is.

Even in waiting on some things to come to pass, I can say now that He IS faithful.

And now, I can also say that I want Him to keep His promises for no reason other than that others need to see Him be glorified in extravagant ways. I want to see these things come to pass because people need to know how very real He is.

How very real He's always been.

Job and His God had something special, and God was glorified in Job's testing.

And I hope that my God can say the same about what we have. I hope that He has been glorified in this season. And I KNOW that He'll be glorified in His promise keeping.

... I guess maybe it's not so bad bein' a 'show me' girl after all.

It's been well worth the pain to experience the mountaintop.

Love ya'll & I'll be back.

Ro

A Blessing In Disguise Indeed

I sat for some of my favorite kids yesterday, which always gives me a little bit of free time. Because they are still young enough to nap. So during that time, I sat down and really just started talking to God, telling Him the truth of the things in my heart and of my desires.

I had gone to bed the night before, talkin to God, trying to give Him my fears, doubts, and failures like He asked of me. Woke up still feeling like I hadn't quite finished that task, but feeling better than I had in many  many days.Got dressed to go keep the kiddos and ... there began some real transparency with me and God...

One of the things God has been saying to me since this started is that He calls me friend. But I had no idea how that tied in here. Because I have felt like what He's requiring is more Master that Friend. But He has kept calling me friend in all this. And one of my four, the second of the two that I know has my back and supports my obedience, said to me a few days ago, it's ok for you to ask God for what you want. It's fine that you're really working to be selfless and put the best interests of others ahead of your own heart and desires, but this is not meant to be one-sided. It's ok to say to God that you need to see H give back the same thing you are being and have been required to give to him. Which was so significant for me, because during our conversation God had also impressed on me to speak my heart to Him and to do it with boldness and fearlessness - which has also been the prayer of my other ride-or-die chick in all this. And never mind that God has told me the same thing since this started: "pray boldly and honestly. dont worry about perfect words. Just give Me your heart. I will do with it what I mean to be done in this situation."

FINALLY, as I talked with Debs and we prayed together, I started to get the boldness thing. Then the posts from Tuesday and Wednesday emerged and God started showing me what He was doing in ME in all this. And I started to get the honesty thing. And then the fullness of what God is REALLY asking me to do here hit me, and with it, the realization that it is perfectly fine for me to expect an awful lot more than just H's faithfulness in all this. It is perfectly fine for me to expect him to be every bit the man I've been asking God for since I first started learning what it is to obey Him and to talk with Him and make my requests known. And it doesn't make me selfish or immature or any of that - which I wouldn't have thought of others in this situation. I just have thought it of myself.... yes i know how ridiculous it is, THANKYOU VERY MUCH. =)

Because let's be honest here for a minute. God has asked me to sacrifice a SIGNIFICANT set of desires to walk in this relationship. He has asked quite a bit in many many ways. And I have done it because I love Him and because I fear Him. But I have NOT done it to be some sort of martyr for the cause. Not at all. I have not been so obedient and so faithful and so prayerful and so meek and so ... any of what I've been ... to reap only a man who manages to be faithful. I have been all those things because a) pleasing God matters to me and  b) I want God's best for my life and my children; I want the promises He makes for generations to come. Faithful is NOT enough. Because it's not what I asked and it's not what God's promised. He's promised EXCELLENCE. Anything less is unacceptable.

But up until yesterday, I had not been bold enough to say that. I had been too shaken and too rattled to speak up and hold both God and H accountable in all this. Too tired and too hurt and too unsure. But real talk, i'd rather be alone than take back a man who doesn't have the gumption to get himself together and chase the life he wants and is called to live. Because I fully intend to have mine. I fully intend to keep on runnin this race. H is more than welcome to join me. I want it more than anything else, aside from salvation for our children and intimacy with God. But that's between him and God, and I cannot force him to do not one blessed thing. I CAN however call to account what God has promised. And I CAN remind Him of the years I spent praying specifically for things in a husband and father - because I have never desired to submit myself to a man who would  not be good to me and who would not lead me spiritually.

DUH!!! This is where I get to choose!

I have some power in this! I have some authority here! I can speak God's word. I can remind Him of His promises to me. I can ask Him to remember the prayers he put on my tongue at 21 years old for a husband I had yet to even know. I can ask Him to remember the promises He's made to me over the last four years, promises He started speaking to my spirit when He told me to go back to our relationship. I do NOT have to take the position of a foreigner here. I am not supposed to abdicate my position. And that has nothing to do with H and EVERYTHING to do with God. DUUUUUUH! My position in Him, the relationship that we share, the intimacy and the friendship between us allows me to come to Him in all honesty and basically say 'Hey God! Remember me? I know we're better than this. I know You're not just gonna leave me stuck out here. I did all this on the strength of You, Your word, Your promises. So I need You to make some things happen. I need You to show up. I need You to come through.'

I DO get a say. I am not at anyone's mercy in this. I just need to remember all the stuff that God has taught me through this season and act like I know who I am in Him.

My uncle told me this the day before the floor fell from under my feet. I believe he said, 'Remember that you have been given authority in heaven, on earth, and under the earth. You need to know when to use it and how to walk in it.'

Seems that this would have been the whole point of facing myself and God on His terms... Understanding my relationship with God, really recognizing my position spiritually unlocked the door to walk in the authority He's given to me.

I sat on the sofa as the babies napped yesterday and I talked to my God.  Nothing formal. Nothing eloquent. Just honest and true. I gave Him my heart. I used the privilege of our friendship. Seriously. I said 'God, friend to friend.... I will obey as a daughter and as a slave... but friend to friend, this is what's in my heart. This is how I feel . This is what I've asked and I really expect that as a friend those things will be honored...' And I started to remind Him, as He brought it back to my heart, all of the things I prayed for specifically in a husband and a man. I gave myself permission in those moments to be genuine and true to me. Authenticity took root. And confidence in myself and my desires and God's plans for me along with it.

Lo and behold. This would be the first fruit of the blessing in disguise. Pain has given way to spiritual clarity and a better understanding of the relationshp God has allowed me to share with Him. Every ounce of newness that has been worked in me these last few years has risen to the top, and that new woman - the one who knows and loves herself, the one who expects the best and believes the best - she is awake! She's alive! Far from killing me, this is helping me to live. I'm LIVING. And it is a wonderful wonderful feeling in the midst of an uncomfortable situation. I'm truly learning to live.

And between H and I... what can I say... we're blossoming beautifully. Our friendship is so strong right now and so apparent. After I posted Tuesday and Wednesday, I felt literally in my spirit like the gap between us had been closed. And as we started talking again yesterday, it was the strangest thing... I sense the change in him. He's behaving toward me like a friend and a partner. Playful and easy. No tension and no distance. He's asking things of me that one asks their person. Take care of this for me. Check on that for me. Would you do... ? And it's not out of a sense of entitlement. It's a genuine sense of comraderie and trust between us now. No barriers and no road blocks... Even today. More of the same, but way deeper than just a friendship. I sensed our foundation, how strong and solid it is, how it's all in tact and totally established. And now, FINALLY, how our friendship is being rightly established.

My mind is blown. What satan has meant for evil God really is using for good. Far from pushing us apart, this is bringing us closer together. There is a new trust, a new respect, a sense of oneness between us....

I'm almost in tears. God is establishing us in righteousness just like I've asked. Everything that's gone before is over and done. This is a whole new thing. God is doing a whole new thing. And watching it unfold is just something beyond me.

A blessing in disguise indeed.  INDEED.

I've finally found my long lost bff. And that just makes my heart sing...

Thank you God. A blessing in disguise... I appreciate You. I dont take for granted what You're doing. I'm grateful. Beyond grateful. And thankful. And excited.Finally. I'm excited. You are keeping Your word and I am in awe of You. I dont know what's next. But I do know that what You've done so far is worthy of praise and worship an adoration. Thank you Lord that You call me friend. Thank you for my high position and for teaching me how to use it. Thank you for the collision course H and I are on, the one leading us right to the center of Your will. All I can say is thank you Lord. I love you.We are learning to love You together. Thank you for the truth; Thank you for the fire and the proving. Prepare H's spirit for what's coming and do in his heart as You desire to bring about Your will in his life and his walk with You. Pleae keep remembering me. Please keep calling me friend.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

God on Risk Taking

"The risk is always worth it when it is taken in obedience to ME."

The End of The Road

Ok. I am deleting this blog.

I'm gonna leave this post up for a while but all else will be erased. My new blog address is:

http://www.abeautifulsubmission.wordpress.com/

I took some time off and the Lord asked me to let go of all that has emotionally held me hostage the last few months. So. All seurity blankets have been destroyed. And this blog is the last to go.

I started it to help me make my way thru this season of my life. That season is now past and a new one is starting. If moving forward is gonna be successful, then all that would let me dwell in the difficulty of how things have been needs to be done away.

So I'm starting fresh. :) I want my new blog to reflect where I'm going and who I've become. I want it to display just what the url says - a beautiful submission.

My title:

BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL... life out loud

 None of my old posts will go over. We're starting fresh!

See ya there!

Ro

Learning as I Teach

I am finding myself in a position more and more to teach other women about walking with the Lord. I've worked with youth for a long time, but I'm finding now that I'm being used more and more in the world of grown-ups.

For so long I asked the Lord 'why me?'. I asked why MY journey has had to be so freaking hard (and seemingly never-ending) when all these people around me seem to have so much of an easier time of things. (And please notice I said 'SEEM' to have.) What I have come to learn is that the difficulties and challenges of my path have been to allow me to understand from an experiential perspective, so that I could be effective in my witness...

Come to find out, in my daily interactions, there is almost always an opportunity to share something with someone from a mentoring perspective. And as cool as that is, that is really not the coolest part.

The coolest part is that in the teaching, the Lord is refining me more. Like I've aked of Him. I have so worried that I would forget all the lessons and that I would regress in my conduct after all the madness had died down, so I have been praying that I would not forget Him and that I would not fall into rebellion or disobedience. I have also asked that if I will not honor Him with what He gives, that He not give it... In this whole mentoring & teaching thing, I'm finding that I am being constantly and consistently challenged to step my game up. My words, my attitude, my thoughts, patience, pride (rollin' my eyes REAL REAL EXTRA HARD), all those things that nobody would know about but me. Those are the things that are being worked on right now.

And I'm so grateful. Because those are the things that I like least about my own character. They are the areas I want to see refined the most. Because I want to be genuine and I want to never forget the hard places in my own life. Iwant to be teachable, even as I teach.

The Lord is just so amazing that He does things the way He does. I have built in accountability these days and as much as I resist it sometimes, I really am thankful for it.

Go see Iris, guys. There is just so much good stuff over there!

April 1, 2006 - Truly A New Beginning

I was sitting thinking. Having some alone time with Jesus. And it came to mind that I began this leg of my journey 2 years ago on April 1st. I quit my job, and left my life to God's Whim.

Jenn and I were just getting close. We had been spending MAJOR time together since the middle of 2005, planning her wedding. We had become prayer partners. We had become truly friends. We were praying for eachother then. Almost every morning. We'd call eachother up and we'd pray over our lives on the way in to work. And I had been asking the Lord to make work better or move me from where I was. He told me to wait. To trust Him. And on the last work day in the month of March, He gave me my answer. I left my job and my life hasn't been the same since. In that early stretch I wasn't sure how it would work. It was tough, but that first year or so I suffered what I now know were small inconveniences. But it was ok. That second year it got TOUGH and even more personal than the first. And now, going into the third year, things are beginning to come full circle.

I am so different now. Much stronger. More mature. More confident. More secure in who I am. Willing to take hard knocks so that I can truly live for the Lord. I am new.

Every relationship in my life has been affected. Some have stood and some have fallen apart. Some are still in tact and some were discarded. But all have been sifted and refined.

God is so faithful.Even when I'm not. When I doubt and struggle, He does not change. And I love Him in a way I never knew I could.

So, happy anniversary to me. And to my Love. Because 2 years ago on April 1st I stopped seeing You the way religion dictated and started getting to know You in the way that makes You truly LIVE, for me. Two years ago on that day, we became intimate and the new life that is now ready to be born is a result of the love we now share.

I praise You oh God because You chose me. You have impregnated me with visions of greatness and a heart that longs for You. As the first of these many children is born, I look to You with love-filled eyes - and even in the midst of the pain of this last set of contractions - I can tell You that You are simply a wonder. I adore You. I worship You. I cherish You. You are my Love. The greatest Love of my heart. And I can't wait to build more history with You in the days, weeks, months, years ahead.

I love You, Lord. I give to You my life.

In Jesus' Name, because he gave his life so that I could love You this way. Amen.

Rosheeda

Last Night...

Thank you Lord for letting me see change. Thank you God for growth in him and me. Thank you God for restoration and new relationship.

Just...

Thank you, God.

Prayer Request

I need some help you guys. I need as many people as possible praying with me this afternoon.

My office has agreed to fast lunch - which would that we will not eat until dinner time this evening. We are needing to see the Lord move in a very swift specific way for the transaction we are trying to finalize. Please pray with us that God's Will be done, that His Provision be made, that every heart is obedient to His Will alone and that He deals with each of us personally regarding our conduct and our attitudes.

If you want, you can email me: rclee@swbell.net .

Thanks,
Rosheeda

Change Is The Only Constant We Really Have

"The only thing that is normal is change."

Those are words I have yet to truly accept.

As much as I have experienced and endured change, I gotta admit, this concept is one of the hardest for me to grasp.

I do not like change. I never have.

Because it means that I am no longer 'comfortable'. And that just messes me all up.

But I have to admit, as I go, I realize that the dislike of change is really just fear in a very clever disguise. Fear of the cost, fear of loss, fear of the unknown. It's just fear. And it's not at all of the Lord. Because that isn't a spirit that He gives to us.

One thing that has dawned on me fresh and new, again and again lately, is that God is sovereign. Absolutely sovereign. So there is no reason to be afraid or unsure, if you are walking in His Will. He's gonna do what He says. If He speaks it, He has to honor it. And not only does He have to, He wants to. He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts. And then to top all that off, He is powerful enough to do anything He chooses. So the promises that He makes, He's not making them based on IF He can do it. He's making them BECAUSE He can do it.

Cling to that, and just rest in it the next time you start to think a situation, cirucmstance, or person is too big for God.

Love ya'll.

Who Am I?

This is a really interesting question. It was posed to me on yesterday and I stared blankly at the man who asked.

And proceeded to give him my first name.

Again, he asks me 'who ARE you?'

So I gave him my LAST name.

Once again, 'But Rosheeda, who ARE you?'

And once again. He gets no answer.

So he decides to explain to me what he means:
"My name is Mr. X. I am a brother, son, father, teacher. I do x, y, z thing. Yadda yadda. Whoop-tee-woo..."

And again, I'm looking at him like, whatever man.

Now, I understood the question he was asking. I just wasn't sure he was due the privilege of an answer. Because after all, who I am, is a pretty personal question.

In all his talking, Mr. X did make one very good point: Most people can't answer the question, because they don't really know who they were made to be. They don't really know themselves, to give a true response.

He's right. We work so hard to become who people expect us to be, or who we THINK we should be. Very rarely do most people discover who they were really CREATED to be. And even more rarely, do most people walk in that revelation.

I've been allowed to unlock the doors that reveal to me who I am. And who I was created to be. And I've been given the privilege of working to get to the place where the two are now the same.

So.

If someone asked you "Who are you?", what would you tell them?

Would you even know the answer yourself?

Something to think about...

Ro

Today

is better than Saturday.

Significantly.

It's really kinda eerie,actually. lately I've been up early, and God has had lots to say. But today, right now. He's silent.

Which is strange.

The conclusion to all my ranting is this: God is still God. Grace is due because grace has been given. Forgiveness and grace. These things are two cornerstones for us. And although that could seem sad, it really isn't. Every trial and every test does more to show us that we have the foundation it takes to last a lifetime.

This moment's pain does not have to be tomorrow's regret.

The mistakes we make as people do not have to categorize our lives.

My foundation with Christ.. the cornerstones are forgiveness and grace, love and commitment.

If we're gonna reflect Him in us, then it would only be fitting that our cornerstones are the same. Forgiveness, grace, love and commitment.

I dont know what's next. Not how it looks or how I will feel. Not what it will cost either of us. But I do know this: God is faithful and just to keep His promises. What we see is not always what truly is, and how we feel is often-times not a reflection of God's perspective.

My feelings, they're real. My frustration and all that. It's legitimate.

But the fact is this: God says 'get over it'. He says look at it and see past it. See with My heart and My eyes. Love him anyway. Forgive because I have forgiven you.

To take a stand against what God calls right is to negate my claim that God is my everything. To disobey now is to forfeit all that I've worked for and stood for.

To turn my back now costs too much. His life matters more than my pride. God's work in my man is significantly more important than my right to ... anything.

And lemme just keep it real. He's not the only flawed one. I have my own foolishness too. And even though I'm the one dolin' out significant grace right now, there will be a day before it's all said and done when HE will be the one having to forgive me a transgression that leaves him wounded and vulnerable to something that can only be fixed by God's direct intervention. Not because I plan to do something silly, but because I'm human. Extremely human. It's almost inevitable that he's gonna pay a cost for me too.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. It does not envy or boast. It always hopes, always trusts,always perseveres. Love never fails... When I was a child I spoke as a child, reasoned as a child. When I became a man I put away childish things.

Lord,
That we may be characterized by grace. May we each forgive as You have forgiven us. May we keep no record of wrongs. May we each count the other as better than ourselves. May we walk in love and respect. Father, that we would find favor in eachother's sight. That Love would prevail and that pain would not rob us of the promise. I am my beloved's and he is mine. You wouldn't have brought us here if we couldn't get past this pain. This I believe with all my heart. For my poor sight, forgive me. For where I've missed his need. Forgive me. Release us Father into our promised land. Utterly destroy any attempt to put asunder what You have put together. Forgiveness,grace, love, commitment, humility, honesty, integrity,dignity, faithfulness, uncommon friendship. Lord let these words be the words of our story. Time i get past the 'why me' and enjoy the privilege of a front-row seat and a backstage pass to such a wonderful work of Your hands. Give us the answer we need God. Show us how to walk in wisdom for sweet boy and how to give our best to him. Show us how to love our enemy. Help us to look with compassion and usher them into Your intimacy through our prayers and our love. God help us as a couple to stand united and to present a clear picture of God at work in all things for our good and Your glory. I have failed to respect. He has failed to love. And together that makes us perfect candidates for restoration and redemption. We need you. Help me to take my right position and to do the things that are becoming of a woman who's banner is You. Help him to do the same as a man, entrusted with a gift of Your heart. We are flawed and imperfect. Often times we fail. But God, at the end of the day, all we want is abundant life. Life full of You. This unorthodox road... it would be enough to frighten anyone. But Father, let it not be a thing of fear, but an invitation to know You for real for real. Deeply and truly and in such a way that noone can shake the faith that You want so deeply to bestow. Let it not be a wedge between us, but a bond. Father, that we may be one.

for us both, and in Jesus' name.
Amen.

Really?! Yeah. Not So Much.

Finally.

The phone rings.

And of course, because he is who he is, he acts like he always does.

Bad move.

Combine this emotinoal wall, a tired me - as in have had no real sleep in two weeks, and a me who is just over this situation...

Talkin to me out the side of his head.

Bad move.

My words were few.

We will call that Jesus.

He backed off the conversation.

We will call that grace (to me).

He has now decided he wants some attention.

I call that ridiculous. God calls it my responsibility.

Guess that means I have to go. But uh... I'm not really even in the mood.

Maybe he thought the phone call made it better. I dunno.

Hope he didn't really believe that...

If he did, he's wrong.

Let's hope i can fake it for a few hours.

I'm so checked outta this thing...

I mean really.

So checked out that to tease with him just causes me physical discomfort.

Iwant him to go away.

But I think we covered that in my last post, right? This isn't about my want... It's about what God says is necessary...

So... well... let's hope need trumps want in my attitude real real soon.

that is all.

Choose Your Shame

This is what the Holy Spirit gave to me this morning, just as I was thinking He was just gonna stay silent today...

'Choose your shame... '

Again with this...

God, what does that mean?

'You have a choice to make. '

But Lord, we've talked about this. I already chose.

'A conversation is coming with H. He will ask you to choose. He will tell you what he wants, but he will ask you if you really can handle all that comes with choosing him... it's time for you to choose your shame.'

Ok. So. Again. What's that mean?

'No matter what choice you make, there will be some level of shame. Choosing to walk away will bring 'i told you so' and 'you were wrong about him' and all those things that have been spoken to you for so long. Choosing to stay will bring more scorn from your family. It will open the door to more judgement and criticism of H and your relationship. And of you, for choosing to stay.'

Well of course it will. Because anything else would be far too easy. *raised eyebrow, and rolling of the eyes*

And ya know. I guess maybe I should feel something more than the blah-ness I feel right now. But seriously. As far as my fam goes, this is really just only one more thing in a long line of all the things they've found objectionable so far. There's nothing new or surprising in that. Though I suppose for H, there is something terribly unsettling about all this. And I'm also sure that his heart hurts at the idea that i'll be 'bashed' some more for being with him (his words, not mine.)

Except that in my world, stay meant stay. And it meant that the decision to stay was made having considered all that it would bring. I know how it will look. I know that the peanut gallery will have more than enough 'wise counsel' to choke a mule. I know that it will all be in the name of 'my best interests' and such. Ain't nuthin' new about that conversation or line of reasoning.

And ain't nuthin new about God's instruction to me.

Don't get me wrong. I say this with the utmost respect. I love my people and they love me. I know they have my best interests at heart and I know that they dont want to see me hurt. Totally get that. And totally appreciate it.

But somewhere around month 5 or 6 of this ride, God told me plainly that I'll serve Him or my fam, but that I can't do both. And at this point, I'm just really too tired to even TRY to please everybody. I really am.

My poor baby. I feel bad for him. Cuz my fam is brutal. He knows how much it matters to me that they love him and that they see what I see. He won't even allow the words 'it doesn't matter' to leave my mouth at this point.

And he's right. It DOES matter. But not enough to change my mind. It doesn't matter enough for me to forfeit the very thing I've worked so hard to enjoy w/him. Not at all. There are worse things than this. I mean... it's pretty uncomfortable. And it's pretty inconvenient. But it is certainly not the worst thing that could've happened.

And amazingly, we are being made 'right' because of it. We are being made better for it all. This situation has been and Im sure will keep being a blessing to us both, separately and as a couple. It really is a blessing.

I dunno. Maybe the fact that I have seen from the start the way God is answering my prayers in this has some bearing on the relative 'ease' (for lack of a better word) of this choice. The more things unfold, the more I see God doing the work I've asked for in him and me and us. I know how badly we needed to be broken as a couple. And i know how completely this situation is doing that for us.We really genuinely are being given beauty for ashes. And that makes this worth the cost. The fact that, at the end of the day, the brokenness and pain leads to all the uncommon relationship characteristics I've asked that we be characterized by... that's enough for me. That's enough to make dealing with the peanut gallery worth it.

So this choice. It's already made. This choice is a given.

The answer is that I'll stay. Fully there. Fully engaged. Fully committed. Hard or not. I'll stay. We'll bear it together. And they'll all come around. They will see God's work and they will recognize God's hand in God's time. We can't force that. God has to open that door. And I'm sure it's gonna hurt. And I'm sure I'mma cry about it. And I"m sure i'mma wanna beat H with a wet noodle when they get ridiculous - cuz they will; i'm sure this will smart a little bit.

But I'm sure that God is bigger than their opinions, misgivings, and displeasure. And I'm sure that I can't live or love for them. Those choices are choices that are between me and my God.

I want their support, love, and respect. But I'll wait on God's timing for it. I have finally grown to a place of recognition in my own heart that I dont have to fit anybody's mold; nor am I responbile for their heart-condition as it relates to being willing to accept the Lord's plan for me - for us. Im only responsible - we're only responsible - to live life on God's terms.

My uncle's words come back as I type this: this is not about me or H or even our families so much. It's about the legacy of faith that God wants to establish in our children and their children and their children after them. Generations to come. Just like I've prayed.... and in light of that... their eternity is worth far more than my temporal rights.

What the Lord does, how He does what He does... that's His business... who is the clay to tell the Potter how it should be made or to dictate that for which it should be purposed?

I'm choosing with all clarity and in full awareness to remain faithful and committed to the man that the Lord has chosen for me to spend my life with. God has called him worthy and right, worth the work. I refuse to choose contrary to that...

I just wanna love my husband and children. I DO want our life and family. I absolutely need them in my life. Especially H. He makes me better. He challenges me to grow and to stretch - to step outside my box and to really live life. Loving him and trusting him may be a risk. But it's one I'm willing to take.

It's taken me a while but I want to live life on my own terms... do what brings me joy inside and what gives me rest and peace in my spirit.... I can't make anybody else undestand. But I surely can allow myself the pleasure of  the freedom to love my man without limits and without walls. Without fear or doubt or condemnation or shame.

And maybe that's the point. Maybe that's the whole key. To recognize that there really is no shame. I might be choosing persecution. There might be some shame, in the sense that we are gonna catch a lotta flak. But there is absolutely NO SHAME in loving H, believing in him, trusting him, working hard with him for something strong and lasting and good and worthwhile.There is not a lick of shame in that. None at all.

All that can come of such a choice is life. Abundant life. The life that God has promised in His word.

I'm not choosing shame. I'm choosing life. And freedom.

Absolute freedom.

God, You asked me to choose my shame. But I dont choose shame. I will accept the persecution that's bound to come. But i dont choose shame. I am NOT choosing shame. I'm choosing life. Full and free. God I choose life. Father thank you for the eternal work. Thank you for the legacy of faith you have established in us. Thank you for establishing us in righteousness. Thank you that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Remove the guilt from H and the sting of the consequence. Allow him to see that there is no shame and no judgement in the hearts that truly count. Thank you for freedom and for beauty instead of ashes. I love You Lord and I chooose freedom over comfort or convenience.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Angry girl...

has left the building.

And in her place is this chick who doesn't have much to say.

The feelings. They are not as strong as they have been. But they're just ... what they are... the willingness to obey. It's all still in-tact. But ... well... that's about it.

I am acutely aware that this is God's party, not mine. And that I am not the guest of honor; He is.

So I'm just kinda sitting back, observing and trying my best to just enjoy what God is doin in another area of my life, maybe even a couple areas.

I was convicted in service yesterday.... I couldn't take communion until I at least started the process of forgiving. So I did. And then we had special music and she mentioned Job 38. Where God tells Job to brace himself and then proceeds to remind Job that no matter what, exactly, he's goin thru, he is NOT God and has no right to question the ways of God. I read that and got told pretty much the same thing immediately upon finishing the chapter.

We then got into the sermon and our pastor ended up talking about Joseph and all that he was taken through in his pursuit of God. How at the end of it all, he was the one to feed the very ones who sold him off in the first place.How he told them 'what you meant for evil God used for good.' How he gave them an out , w/something along the lines of all is well...

And that weighs heavy on my heart. Because on the one hand, I can do that and I am working to do it and mean it. But on the other hand. I dunno about that one. That sorta maturity. Do I really possess it? Can I really look them in the face and say dont' worry about it. No matter what has happened, it's all good. Let's move on and make friends. Do I really have that  in me? ...

I'm guessin' so. Otherwise God wouldn't have allowed the situation to present itself in the first place.

The sad part of it all, is that what I'm being asked to give now - the thing that is so hard for me to genuinely surrender to now, in light of this whole situation... I was more than willing to extend that invitation before all this was revealed. I had decided in my heart a long time ago to give that SAME embrace. But now... I just dont know... now it's a trust thing. I didnt trust in full before, but I did at least in part and that allowed me a different confidence in this. Now. I dont trust at all. And that makes me leary of this whole next step. Because I am accepting that I am not judge and jury here. But, um... where is the protection in this - for me and for our relationship?

Anger is subsiding.

Hurt is living. And fear is wanting to jump on the bandwagon.

But I dont want to live in fear and I dont want to let this hurt turn to hard-heartedness and bitterness. I'd much prefer it dissipate and that what God is establishing in us truly live.

I WANT to do this. And I want to do it with class and with confidence. And with dignity. None of this forgiving, but forever accusing and snooping and doubting. I WANT to do it God's way. I really do...

I sensed it in my words yesterday as I prayed. I kept speaking forgivness, asking God to help me get there. And then that Joseph thing and I felt the resistance try and rise up, but I feel God's heavy hand of authority in me and I know that He isn't giving me a choice here. He's not asking me to consider it. He is instructing me to give as He has given to me. He is instructing me to trust.

And ya'll, that's a tough pill for me to swallow on a good day, when everything is everything - much less right now, when I'm climbing outta this deep hole in the ground.

I dunno. It feels soon. Real soon. Too soon. Maybe if I had more time to deal w/the hurt of this before God started asking me to forgive in all this... maybe then it wouldn't seem like so much. Maybe if there had been some real solid VISIBLE changing of things, I'd be less daunted by what God's asking of me right now.

Or maybe not.

He told me this wouldn't last long. That we'd be restored very swiftly.  I guess part of that is this. Because I can't really say I've accepted anything I need to accept if I haven't forgiven the betrayal I feel in my heart or the rejection and disrespect that's come along with it.

But ... this is what love looks like, right? Trusting, forgiving, forgetting, moving on beyond and into something new... and I'd dare say, something better, if we're brave enough.

I want to be brave enough. I want that something new, that something better. I want this full restoration and redemption God keeps saying He's workin' in this situation; I dont want us to be marred by my inability to accept that life is messy sometimes and unexpected things happen. I don't want to be unable to embrace the growth God has in this for us both.

Pastor reminded me yesterday that God is taking us BOTH to a new level in Him. We are at an intersection and we both have a choice to make. And really, it's the same choice. God's will or our own... And after all this time, I dont want to choose my own will over God's. Cuz that would mean that all that has come before this very moment in time has been in vain.

So. I guess forgiveness it is. Trust. And Release.

God, help me please. Amen.

A Conversation

Him...

'One thing I know that you don't know is that you are strong...'

'You know what you need to do?... dont try to fix it. you cant fix everything. Take some time just for you.'

'You're my best friend. I'm not talking to anybody but you and Cousin about this.'

'I was overwhelmed. Still am overwhelmed.'

'I asked God for a sign. I'm in the middle of the ocen in a lifeboat, waiting to see which way the wind will blow.'

'What did He tell you to do?'

'One thing about you, you're unorthodox but you make me see things in a way i wouldna ever seen 'em before'

'I dont want anyone to have reason to say anything to you about this. I dont want you to have to deal with more than you already have to deal with; do what I ask. Dont tell me it doesn't matter. Will you do what I asked?'

Me

'I may be strong. But I'm tired of everything hurting so bad. I'm at the end of me. There's nothing else...'

'I not trynna fix it. I cant fix it. I just dont want to feel this pain anymore.'

'I know you dont believe you're my best friend, but you are. The things I dont say, i havent said cuz  i wasnt sure you would see me the same; i didnt think you'd understand and i needed you to understand. i couldnt take you not understanding so i just didnt talk.'

'You can tell me anything. No matter what. You can tell me anything'

'I know what God's told me. I know what He's shown me. But I cant make you see or know. He has to tell you that in His own time.'

'He told me to stay'

'Taking care of  your children is right, no matter whate else happens or how anything else works out. Takin care of them is right. They need their father.'

'I would never ask you to sacrifice your kids. Not ever.'

'It DOES matter. But the choice is mine. Nobody's but mine. I am very clear on the risk i'm taking. Very aware. I know that this is something I cant even begin to contemplate...I'll do what you ask.'

'No matter what, I wont let anybody judge you. The only judgement in this is mine. And I'm not judging you. There is no judgement. The same commitment I've always had to you, is the same commitment I have now. Nothing will change that.'

'Remember when i left and you fought so hard for us. you told me 'we're what that is. this is what that is.' I'm telling you the same thing now. we're what that it. this is what that is. but i'll let you figure that out on your own.'

'Im praying for the kids - all of 'em. I'm praying for you and for her too. I'm praying for me. Praying for all of us. All the time, up late, not sleeping so that I can pray...'

....

So much more was said between us.

Best friends. It took us goin thru this to figure that out...

Transparency - spiritual transparency at that. Took all this to get there...

Emotional transparency. No She-ra tendency. Took all this to give him that...

He listened. He watched. He took it all in. I told him things about this journey that I've never told him. How and why I started seeking God so hard and so fully. When I decided to obey and stop living on my own terms. How scared I am that I've sacrificed my life - how much that statement was about so much more than just our relationship. How hard it was for ME to leave the first time, how long it took. How I didnt know God would send me back, i just knew i needed to 'tie loose ends', that I needed to get my self together. How when God sent me back, I was scared. Cuz i knew that giving in fully would mean he could break me apart... How, even though I dont have all the answers now, i dont believe in my heart that God would tell me to give him my heart, that He would allow me to give my heart to him and love him the way that I do only to leave me hurting at the end of it all...

and that statement was the end of our afternoon together.

laid in his arms talking like this for almost an hour. moved to get more comfortable, closer actually. He grabbed me and held on tight - didnt want to let me go. 'I'm not goin anywhere baby.' ... 'oh ok'...

his voice. his face. his heart. his touch.

greeted me hello. laid my head on his chest and just stayed there. too unsure to do anything much more. he kissed my forehead. And it felt... wierd... like he was trying to say something but didnt know what or how. That gesture, it's always tender, always an 'i love you' but from a different place than romantic. Yesterday, it was full of brokeness. The disconnect between us, but the desire and the hope that somehow out of all this, it will work itself out... genuine affection and 'i still love you'...

my heart is heavy. my spirit is so burdened. yesteday makes it easier to forgive. and easier to really love him. but it hurts so very much.

i know this place. i know that feeling. i know the conflict in his heart - because it was mine 4 years ago...

Oh Lord. Give him his sign. Make it plain. Let him do what IS right, not what LOOKS right. Call his name and give him the grace to obey...

I love you Lord. Thank you for the bittersweetness of yesterday. I see the start... and i'm begging for the end...  You reminded me that at the height of Christ's pain, where it looked like an end. That the moment of death was NOT the end. It was the beginning. And that the beginning was beyond the pain and the loss and the shame.... You keep impressing me that this is the same.. help me to hold on to that. You are doing an eternal work in us both. We are going to be so much stronger for this and so much closer. And I have begged for that change. Now just help me to endure this process. Because my heart is hurting and broken. My spirit is weary and empty. He sees strength in me, but he has so much in himself, if he'd just allow it to rise to the top. SILENCE every voice in his heart, mind. spirit, life that isn't a voice for You. Shut down the darkness and bring forth Your light. Show him what You've shown me. Tell him what You've told me. Call his name in this like You called mine that morning in that cell . And give him the courage to answer. What satan means for evil God use it for good. What You have ordained, let nothing separate or destroy. Forgive me for anythign in me that isn't in line with You and change that thing in my heart. Show me how to pray. And how to love. In Jesus' Name . Amen.

TOO BAD I FORGOT

... I've been so busy WORKING, I have been real lax in just ENJOYING my relationship with the Lord.

I am a worker. I am a servant. And because of that part of my DNA, I dont know how to be served or how just to take it all in. For me, it becomes a concentrated effort to relax and just be still enough to enjoy.

One of the most special things of all this journeying I've been doing is knowing the Lord as intimately as I do. As Father, Friend, Master, Saviour, Lover. I never imagined something so sweet. And sometimes, I take our friendship for granted.

And even more sad, I turn it into me WORKING to have His love, favor, grace, mercy, whatever.

It dawned on me last night, in my frustration with my imperfection, that maybe I just need to relax and come back to the heart of the matter, which really is just to enjoy Him.Just to LOVE Him.

*sigh* It is so hard to remember to rest in Him, rather than to do so much work FOR Him that I forget He's my Ace.

What a sweet day today, just realizing how great He is and how much He loves me. Nice to know that knowing God for real isn't something you only see in a movie or read in a book, or something that existed only during the life and times of MOSES.

Glad God is real - and glad I got a chance to relax and remember and bask in...

later!

It Finally Happened...

... tears finally came...

I wondered when I'd cry. Because I hadn't really cried yet.

Oh I've had a couple of brief little moments, but the flood that I knew was down inside. That hadn't surfaced yet...

But this morning. At the most inopportune time. It came.

I cried.

Been crying since I got up.

Only stopped so that I could keep my niece for a little while.

The floodgate is open and it doesnt feel like it will ever close.

All it takes is the thought of this. The reality of what H told me on Monday. THAT reality is finally settling fully in, in my emotions. And all I want to do is cry.

'This will be a blessing to your relationship.' And while I'm sure I believe that somewhere inside me, right now it doesnt feel like 'this' will be a blessing. It feels like 'this' is another way I'm being cheated here.

Cuz, ultimately, I get his heart back in full and w/no other hinderance... but realistically... there is fall-out from this thing that is a forever reminder of why exactly this situation even exists right now.

'I will redeem the years you have lost.' And because God is God, I'm sure somewhere deep inside I believe that.

But right now, right now I just want back all the years I'm feeling like I've wasted w/all this believing and what-not.

'My ways are not your ways.' I got all that. But why does it have to hurt so bad.

'Your heart will not be broken much longer.' Yeah. Ok.

'He will be a better man for having gone through this going forward.' Beautiful. For real. But in the mean time...

'A promise made is a promise kept.' Nice. Real nice.

But these tears today. They just wont stop. And I just dont think I'll keep trying to hold them at bay.

Not at all.

I dreamed about him last night. He's in prison. But he's not behind bars. He can come and go as he pleases. His guests they dont have to talk to him through glass. He sits in the visitors room to receive them. I'm there too. In the visitors' room. Just watching. Watching him receive his guests. He doesn't see me. None of them see me. No one knows I'm there. I'm just observing. And all I can think is 'why is he doing this, when clearly he doesn't want to?' He never sees me. But I see him. I saw them as they released him from behind the bars. I saw him come into the visitor's room and sit at a table on the far wall and wait. And I watched him as he met w/his guests. The visit wasn't long. Not long at all. He walked them out and just stood looking lost. I just sat and watched and tried to hold my own emotions at bay. All the while thinking, 'you dont even want this. you dont have to do this' . Then I woke up.

I get it. I understand what I saw. I know what God was showing me. And that makes this hurt worse. Because he doesn't even WANT this to be this way. He's free and he doesn't even know it. God, I want him to know he's free. I just want him to know he's free. Of all that. Once and for all. I just want him to know he's free...

Guess that's my prayer for today. Thanks that he's been set free and serious begging that he would be allowed to recognize his freedom. That he's no longer slave to his past or the choices he made then. That he is free, even in the place where he has to take responsibility. He is still free to live the promise and to enjoy abundant life. I hope God chooses to show mercy to him. And compassion. That he would be allowed to see with clear sight the two roads before him and that he would choose the one that leads to life. Real true free life.

In Jesus' Name amen.

I'm gone for a while. Me and my heart have a date. I'm sure I'll be back. Thanks for praying.

ro

If We'd Only Seek To Follow Christ...

then maybe we wouldn't need all these movements and such...

All these movements and what-not. All this talk of  'Godly Womanhood' and 'keepers at home' and all the other fancy words we use to describe what REALLY all boils down to one thing:  a growing, intimate, personal, unique, intentional, maturing relationship with God.

People write all these books and have all these opinions and do all these differnt things in the name of  'educating' others and 'encouraging' their peers and such. And in and of itself, that is a GREAT thing - a beautiful ministry. But it seems that we lose sight as Believers of the fact that any position that we endorse or espouse should not be a 'movement', but should be as a result of a Holy Spirit guided conviction in our hearts that God would have us move in xyz way...

I  really have a hard time with this one ya'll... I dunno. I just think that we pigeon-hole eachother and we lose sight of the marvelously unique way God has created each of us and the intensely  pesonal journey He desires that we each take to discover His truth and His unique plan for our lives.

When I think of the way we critique and judge others' lives by things that may or may NOT be indicators of truth, it disheartens me. Scripture says that God does not look at the things we do, but at the heart of a man. We really should do the same...

We look at so many things that make us 'obviously' set apart - physically. But I believe that what REALLY matters to God is whether or not we are set apart in our hearts, in our thoughts, in our conduct. I believe that He cares far more WHY we live as we live than that we APPEAR to be seeking Him or proclaiming Him before men.

Are we searching our heart for truth as we embrace the 'movements' of Christianity or are we simply following a path that makes us FEEL righteous and holy and somehow more Godly than our brothers or sisters who choose - or have been called - to walk a different path?

Especially for women, all this can be so misleading. So confusing. And really. So demeaning. God created us in such an amazing way, with various different gifts and talents and many many personal quirks and idiocyncrasies. Where, exactly, do we get off setting ourselves up to be the  moral compass of others? How, exactly, do we justify making fellow Christ-followers feel inadequate in their journeys?

Conformity as Believers should not be our goal. A passionate ever-evolving,maturing relationship with Yah should what we seek.

That and that alone should be the heart from which we study, internalize, espouse and otherwise exhort ourselves and others in the Faith.  Because really. If we will make a relationship - a genuine, true, authentic relationship with Him who sits on the Throne - our focus and our mission in life, if that becomes our goal, we can rest assured that He will reveal to us the truths of His word that He desires us to embrace and live before men. And that includes whether or not women should wear pants or whether or not the cutting of one's hair is acceptable. Whether we should cover our heads or homeschool our children. Whether we should wear jewelry or make-up. All the details. Right down to what is an acceptable dietary standard.

If we ask Him, He'll show us. It's His pleasure to do so.

It is not our job to be the conscious or God to another sister. It is our job to live our lives in such a way that no matter how we 'Christiany' we look (or not), there is SOMETHING about us that shines from the inside out.

Our societal constructs and rigid boxes are more often than not, not a result of God driving us, but a result of us being too afraid to let God have free reign. Whether we want to admit it or not, we LIKE the boxes and societal constructs. Because we can control them, we can explain them, and we can understand them in our finite way of processing data.

Passionate pursuit of Christ almost always calls us to give up all three of those safety nets in large part, if not in full.

We dishonor God when we ascribe to Him ways of life driven by our finite minds instead of seeking Him for supernatural understanding of the way of life He desires to train us to internalize and live out as aliens in this foreign land.

If we'd all simply embrace righteousness and pursue it, if we'd just embark on the journey to live the unique plan of our personal Savior for our individual lives, we'd be better off and we'd be far better equipped to encourage and exhort. Becaue then we'd understand that what God has called ME to do may not be what He will EVER ask of another sister. We would know that the way God works is not boxable or pigeon-holeable. We would be humble enough to recognize that we've no right to judge as 'wrong' what is not in any way a 'sin', except in our own estimation.

It is pride pure and simple that leads us to speak what MUST NOT be God, because that not how He's led us. Or what can't be right, because it doesn't make sense.

No Believer needs a movement to discover God. What we need is a BIBLE and a relationship.

When we choose to exhort and encourage eachother in that pursuit, then we will be living life worthy of the call...