I've been pretty quiet since last week. I have SO much to say, but not really the words to say it all. There are so many things coming my way. Things I can't even begin to wrap my mind around just yet. I am excited beyond anything I can express.
The way God moves to answer His children just astonishes me every day, at every turn. I dont know what to think or how to take hold of all that is happening around me. I'm just at a total loss for words.
Just thought I'd pop in and share a little bit.
blessings.
ro
Friday, November 12, 2010
Transitions
It seems that there is always some sort of transition happening in us or around us...
It seems that I have been in that same season for the longest time now. Always a change, always an adjustment to be made. Just when I get comfortable and think things are settling down nicely they get shaken up again.
I never quite get used to it.
It seems that what used to be 'home' is really not any more. Where I used to feel like I fit, where I used to be comfortable, not so much now. And the one place I've been dying to get free from - THAT place has managed to become home to me.
It is such a wierd thing - knowing that more than anybody else, I should feel a sense of belonging but I really don't. I do, however, feel a sense of duty and of responsiblity. I know that I have a responsiblity here and I have reluctantly accepted that responsiblity, but I also know that ultimately this role isn't mine to fill.
And really, I'm ok with that.
It just isn't what I expected it would be....
It seems that in my life the only constant really IS change...
It seems that I have been in that same season for the longest time now. Always a change, always an adjustment to be made. Just when I get comfortable and think things are settling down nicely they get shaken up again.
I never quite get used to it.
It seems that what used to be 'home' is really not any more. Where I used to feel like I fit, where I used to be comfortable, not so much now. And the one place I've been dying to get free from - THAT place has managed to become home to me.
It is such a wierd thing - knowing that more than anybody else, I should feel a sense of belonging but I really don't. I do, however, feel a sense of duty and of responsiblity. I know that I have a responsiblity here and I have reluctantly accepted that responsiblity, but I also know that ultimately this role isn't mine to fill.
And really, I'm ok with that.
It just isn't what I expected it would be....
It seems that in my life the only constant really IS change...
Love Is...
1 Corinthians 13
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
This has been on my heart for a few days now. I guess that means I need to read it and study it and commit it to my heart in a fresh way...
Don't be surprised if I flesh it out here.
May as well share the knowledge, huh?!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
CELEBRATE WITH ME!
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Sunday, November 7, 2010
All This From a Book
Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.
I've read it 3 times already. Now I'm on number 4.
Every time I read this book, it's different than the first or the last time There is some new insight or some new thought-provoking point of view. This time is no different. I've been reading all day long today and I've never paused so much to let a thought fully materialize or to take in what the Lord is saying to me in that moment.
Today has been full of that.
And amazingly this time, the focus is not on what Hosea is feeling - although I gotta say, I fully get the range of emotions goin on in his heart; this time the focus is on his wife.
How she feels is so real to me. Her fears, her past, her wants and dreams, her needs. All the reasons why the old way seems to be the easier way. All that is leaping off the page at me today. It's forcing me to think about H's heart in all this. Making me consider the things that I don't see - but that I do SENSE - and that I find it easy to discount because in my sight there is no outward visible change in the condition of his heart.
It's really irritating. And humbling. Oh, and did I mention that it's convicting too? No?Well. It is. Convicting, that is.
Not because my feelings are wrong. Not because this betrayal of my trust or the pain that it has dumped in my lap isn't real. But beause, due to the personal nature of all this, I am failing to do in this situation what I am able to do in virtually every other one in my life: I am not looking beyond the symptom to get to the root. I'm not seeing clearly because I'm not looking in the right place.
My pain might be at his hands; but I have not given the courtesy or respect of recognizing that what is driving him internally had to originate from someone or something. And THAT is the thing that needs to be addressed. All the rest will come as that is worked out of him. I know this. This is what I lead other women to dig into when I am walking with them through a behavioral transition. I KNOW this stuff.
So why can I do it everybody but H?
I would say it's fear, and I'm sure on some level it is - right now fear that this will keep on going and that it will drive me to be someone I don't know or like, but more than fear, there's the pain and shame of it. Because no matter what anybody says or doesn't say to me, what I FEEL is total humiliation that if I were to lay this bare in real life, this is the stuff that makes Jerry Springer and Maury episodes. It's embarrassing as all get-out that he's put me in such a postion. And other stuff too.
And the pain of it. Well. No matter what anybody says or how anybody tells me to cope or how I should be coping or how ok it is for me to cope my own way, there is a place in this where the pain just simply will NOT go away as long as God allows things to stay at this present impasse - because the behavior is cyclical, which means the emotional impact is also, the only difference from one time to the next being the depth of the pain as I try to deal w/it so that it doesnt take root and wreak more havoc in my spirit...
It's really an awkward place to be.
I discovered Thursday that having put away grieving for my plans, I have no choice but to face myself and let God peel back the scab. It has not been my pleasure, just lemme tell ya.... But I've been doin it. Talkin' to God all honest and what-not. Really gettin it in.
And listening as He reveals my own heart to me.
I have not been impressed with what's really inside me. If I were God, looking at my heart, I think I might feel a twinge of sadness at my internal response to this. But God, in His usual amazing way, has spent today clarifying to me how even the 'sad' part of my feelings is working to train me to love H well. It all goes back to the direction to love past my pain. If I can love God beyond what I know plainly is only taking place in my life because He's allowed it, I can love H in-kind.
Except for H is not perfect like God. And i know that no matter what my heart feels, any stress on my relationship with God is due to MY OWN carnality - not God's failure to love me well or honor my love for Him.
But God told me long ago to love H as I love Him - not in worship but in absoluteness. And that means loving him enough to do what I dont want to do - for him or for God, in spite of how little natural sense it makes to me - on the strength that I somehow trust God enough to trust H's true heart toward me.
And somehow that realization and conversation brought me to something I told God about H long ago: It took me a minute to give in to my heart for him because I knew in my spirit from the start that he was the only man I had ever met who had the power to destroy me emotionally. He awakes things in me that I didn't even know existed. Things that were kept under lock and key, he easily and very unexpectedly possessed. I've always known that I'd know emotional life or destruction at his hands.
In all the times I've read this book, it never dawned on me that there was reference to the fact that the woman Hosea took as his wife felt the same way. She was scared because Hosea's relentless, active love broke down her barriers and she really never saw it coming. She ran because she knew she wasn't at all in control of what was goin on in her heart. She was changing. She just wasn't sure she could openly show the shift and the desire to fully rest and fully trust....
She didn't want her old life. She was just scared as hell of the new one.
Just like H.
I have terribly discounted him in all this. And however counter-intuitive it is to care how he feels, I need to be willing to invest that way. I need to deal with my pain with God; but I need to do what God told me to do long ago: give H access to me and love beyond my pain. I need to see him with God's eyes.
And that's only gonna happen if i look and listen with my love and not my feelings.
Good grief. This is a tall order.
I checked out a couple weeks ago but I haven't been ok with that. I've tried to make myself be. But I'm not. Because love doesn't do that. I can speak my heart. I can do the things that create a new dynamic between us. I can honor my truth. But I can do all those things and love him too. I dont need to sacrifice one for the other. That's been a huge part of our problem. We need to learn that for one to thrive the other has to exist and be honored - on both his part and mine.
Letting go doesn't mean giving up. It just means I dont have to figure it out.
God said to me a few weeks ago that working in me is His way of working on him. If I don't submit to this and start viewing this the right way, we're gonna live in this circle forever.
It's time to submit, because I can't afford for this to linger. Neither of us can. We need to see God work in our favor and if any part of that is contingent on me, I need to get my act together.
I take back what I've said numerous times...Gomer doesn't need her butt kicked. She needs to be loved beyond her failure, by someone who understands how profoundly changed they are because God loved them that same way.
Oy vey.
All this from a book.
I'm getting it now God... I think I'm starting to understand... Your love has done a profound work in me. For today, for right now in this moment, I'm choosing to believe that that same love, expressed toward H through me will have the same profound effect. Please help me to be strong enough to see past what people say and the advice that comes, to truly look for understanding of Your instruction and to apply what You reveal, no matter how un-myself it may be. I love You enough to do what I dont want to do. Please don't be sad at my lack of desire; please find pleasure in my willingness to endure.... I do love You. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Thank God I'm Off Tomorrow!
Seriously, what I am more than thankful for today is that tomorrow is a HOLIDAY. Which would mean that I am off work. As much as I love my job, I have not had a day off in almost a year (except holidays). This is a much needed rest.
THANK GOD! :-)
Enjoy your 4th! And go see Iris to read some more thankfuls.
Biblical Empowerment
The one thing people can do that will empower them beyond anything else is to accept the gift of salvation from our God. It's free and it's His Will. (It is not His will that any should perish.)
Then, as Believers, they should buy and study (again and again) the best self-help book ever written: the Holy Bible.
In these two steps we have found the keys to life. And the best part is that all this free. Doesn't cost a dime. Just some time and a willingness to change.
In exchange for just accpeting the gift and surrendering to the instructions you're given, you get healing, wholeness, and freedom.
What could be better? It is certainly not a fair deal. God gets gipped. We get all the benefit of it. Christ dies. And we get life.
And when you think about it, it's no different than drinking in our culutre's current self-empowerment bent - except that this authority is ... well... a REAL Authority and a true expert. You know He's never gonna mis-lead you or mis-diagnose your issue. HE's not gonna misunderstand or give biased advice, based on His own experience. And what He does in you, what He enables you to do, doesn't depend on your own will power. Only on your obedience. It's HIS Will & Power that makes it all work.
Seriously. You just show up and go along for the ride. He does the rest.
I'll take Jesus & His Daddy anyday.
Everybody else has it all wrong.
Then, as Believers, they should buy and study (again and again) the best self-help book ever written: the Holy Bible.
In these two steps we have found the keys to life. And the best part is that all this free. Doesn't cost a dime. Just some time and a willingness to change.
In exchange for just accpeting the gift and surrendering to the instructions you're given, you get healing, wholeness, and freedom.
What could be better? It is certainly not a fair deal. God gets gipped. We get all the benefit of it. Christ dies. And we get life.
And when you think about it, it's no different than drinking in our culutre's current self-empowerment bent - except that this authority is ... well... a REAL Authority and a true expert. You know He's never gonna mis-lead you or mis-diagnose your issue. HE's not gonna misunderstand or give biased advice, based on His own experience. And what He does in you, what He enables you to do, doesn't depend on your own will power. Only on your obedience. It's HIS Will & Power that makes it all work.
Seriously. You just show up and go along for the ride. He does the rest.
I'll take Jesus & His Daddy anyday.
Everybody else has it all wrong.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I TOLD You What to Think, but ANSWER ME!!! What Do You Think?
It has been a while since I have posted anything really worth reading...
And this post just may not be worth reading either, but here goes.
So. The whole critical, controlling thing?
Over it.
So Over It.
Are you sure you want to eat that.
Don't watch that.
TV geared solely toward women is un-godly.
It's too dark in here.
20-somethings this. Young people that.
That's not clean enough.
I dont like it like that. I DON'T EAT IT THAT WAY.
No dirty dishes in MY sink - wash them the second you use them. But don't make me wait on you to come outside; I'm ready go right now. Because I can't be kept waiting for something as tedious as washing that cup you just used.
The dog. PUT THE DOG UP. Because she is barking. And playing. And well... Acting like a dog. But let her out. She's a dog. That's what they do.
Go get the grandkid. But don't let me see anything that would say there is a baby in this house. But put her in her bouncer. Feed her. Keep her quiet.
And yes I'm serious.
And yes this list could go on and on and on.
There are actual phone calls made for these sorts of things. Actual conversations had (if you can call one person speaking and the others looking at said person and not being allowed an opinion, a conversation).
Nothing is ok. Nothing is enough. To do what you are asked is still to fail.
And let's go there. Even voluntary things are subject to the opinion the resident dictator allows. Politics? Nah. Fa-get about it. Not TheDictator's opinion? RUBBISH! BAH! You're just foolish. Silly. Shallow. But I'm not being insulting. I'm just stating my opinion. And only my opinion is acceptable in this camp. But baby what do you think?
I have a lot of feelings best left un-said about this whole topic, but I will say this:
It is a beautiful blessing - one of the best the Lord has ever given - that man is NOT God.
Because if we were, we would all be sent to hell. No grace, no mercy, no compassion. Just jugdement, criticism, and a buncha self-righteousness.
It is indeed a blessing that God is God all by Himself.
And this post just may not be worth reading either, but here goes.
So. The whole critical, controlling thing?
Over it.
So Over It.
Are you sure you want to eat that.
Don't watch that.
TV geared solely toward women is un-godly.
It's too dark in here.
20-somethings this. Young people that.
That's not clean enough.
I dont like it like that. I DON'T EAT IT THAT WAY.
No dirty dishes in MY sink - wash them the second you use them. But don't make me wait on you to come outside; I'm ready go right now. Because I can't be kept waiting for something as tedious as washing that cup you just used.
The dog. PUT THE DOG UP. Because she is barking. And playing. And well... Acting like a dog. But let her out. She's a dog. That's what they do.
Go get the grandkid. But don't let me see anything that would say there is a baby in this house. But put her in her bouncer. Feed her. Keep her quiet.
And yes I'm serious.
And yes this list could go on and on and on.
There are actual phone calls made for these sorts of things. Actual conversations had (if you can call one person speaking and the others looking at said person and not being allowed an opinion, a conversation).
Nothing is ok. Nothing is enough. To do what you are asked is still to fail.
And let's go there. Even voluntary things are subject to the opinion the resident dictator allows. Politics? Nah. Fa-get about it. Not TheDictator's opinion? RUBBISH! BAH! You're just foolish. Silly. Shallow. But I'm not being insulting. I'm just stating my opinion. And only my opinion is acceptable in this camp. But baby what do you think?
I have a lot of feelings best left un-said about this whole topic, but I will say this:
It is a beautiful blessing - one of the best the Lord has ever given - that man is NOT God.
Because if we were, we would all be sent to hell. No grace, no mercy, no compassion. Just jugdement, criticism, and a buncha self-righteousness.
It is indeed a blessing that God is God all by Himself.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
2008: A Year of Amazing Grace
I've really been thinking the last few days about this year and what my life looks like these days, how it's changed. I have been contemplating how I would sum up this year.
And finally I came up with an answer.
Looking back at this year, I've got to tell you that this year has been a year of Amazing Grace in my life.
There is always the amazing grace of God's forgiveness, but this year I've come to understand that His grace applies to so much more than just forgiveness for my sins and my failures and my shortcomings.
Grace is looking at people you love and wondering how it will ever be right between you again. And then one day you realize that things are right between you.
Grace is saying Lord I just cant keep waking up this way and going to bed this way. And then one day you realize that you haven't made that statement in ... well... you can't remember how long it's been.
Grace is loving someone so much more than you ever could've imagined loving another person, not sure if they will ever grow into the person you know they are. Praying for them, begging for their repentance. And one day you realize that when you look at him, now you see Christ.
Grace is looking at an unworkable situation, despairing and not sure what to do to make it thru. And you realize that a year has passed and that all things have worked together for your good.
Grace is carrying a burden so deep inside and not knowing how you can continue to serve a God who seems so far from you. You don't know if He really is as trustworthy as you have believed and as He has said. Yet you trust Him. Your mouth opens and worship pours forth. Praises fly off your lips and music flows from your soul because, somehow, you just know that He IS who He says He is.
Grace is being a poor, but living as though you are wealthy.
Grace is facing deep pain and being afraid you will drown, only to discover that you were never alone and that drowning wasn't in the cards for you.
Grace is looking back at a past riddled with mistakes and realizing that the road you have begun to walk has been a road of redemption - giving an opportunity to 're-do' what you didn't do (or do right) the first time around.
Grace is a love so deep that not even your own filth can keep your Lover away.
Grace is God become Life to you.
Grace is His Word becoming your breath.
Grace is His Touch soothing your soul.
Grace is God.
And God is amazing.
This has been my year. The year of Amazing Grace.
Merry Christmas, All.
Blessings.
And finally I came up with an answer.
Looking back at this year, I've got to tell you that this year has been a year of Amazing Grace in my life.
There is always the amazing grace of God's forgiveness, but this year I've come to understand that His grace applies to so much more than just forgiveness for my sins and my failures and my shortcomings.
Grace is looking at people you love and wondering how it will ever be right between you again. And then one day you realize that things are right between you.
Grace is saying Lord I just cant keep waking up this way and going to bed this way. And then one day you realize that you haven't made that statement in ... well... you can't remember how long it's been.
Grace is loving someone so much more than you ever could've imagined loving another person, not sure if they will ever grow into the person you know they are. Praying for them, begging for their repentance. And one day you realize that when you look at him, now you see Christ.
Grace is looking at an unworkable situation, despairing and not sure what to do to make it thru. And you realize that a year has passed and that all things have worked together for your good.
Grace is carrying a burden so deep inside and not knowing how you can continue to serve a God who seems so far from you. You don't know if He really is as trustworthy as you have believed and as He has said. Yet you trust Him. Your mouth opens and worship pours forth. Praises fly off your lips and music flows from your soul because, somehow, you just know that He IS who He says He is.
Grace is being a poor, but living as though you are wealthy.
Grace is facing deep pain and being afraid you will drown, only to discover that you were never alone and that drowning wasn't in the cards for you.
Grace is looking back at a past riddled with mistakes and realizing that the road you have begun to walk has been a road of redemption - giving an opportunity to 're-do' what you didn't do (or do right) the first time around.
Grace is a love so deep that not even your own filth can keep your Lover away.
Grace is God become Life to you.
Grace is His Word becoming your breath.
Grace is His Touch soothing your soul.
Grace is God.
And God is amazing.
This has been my year. The year of Amazing Grace.
Merry Christmas, All.
Blessings.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
... And I Am Changed
Ok I keep starting this post and stopping this post.Typing and deleting. And then considering closing it out, but really wanting to share. So. I'll just let my fingers do their thing.
There is just something extra-special and marvelous about the way God works. Limbo has been my spot. Not so long ago, the Lord told me that all He's promised would come all at once. And it appears that this is true. I'm seeing some amazing things come to pass. All special and all BEYOND exciting. Truly, this is the end of the valley.
I thought I'd be more outwardly excited to be almost at the top of the mountain, but not really. This excited is an internal sort of excited. It is rooted way deep down and when it erupts, I just know it's gonna take me (and everybody else) by storm. This place is not one where the things are what's exciting. The rewards are great, don't get me wrong. But the real excitement is that I can see a truly new person in me. I truly can see the growth. The freedoms I once took so for granted? I view it all now as a privilege. I view it all as a gift that needs to be cared for and used in line with the convictions of the Giver. God's favor and His hand on my life is something I took for granted. Not anymore.
With every passing day, my life reflects more and more God's heart. The joy is that truly He is making me beautiful in His time - and His way. For the first time in my adult life, I believe in who I am created to be. I believe in God's plan for me. I was studying this morning in Exodus. Chapters 3 - 6. At the very end of chapter six, a reference is made to the promise that the Lord made to Abraham,Isaac,and Jacob - saying that in calling Moses (& Aaron), He is remembering that promise. Then it goes on to give the family tree for Israel (Jacob, after his name changed) and his descendants. There were so many names that I recall are seen later in scripture. But Moses and Aaron stuck out for me. There was nothing so special that made them great. Only that the Lord had made a promise that He was bound to fulfill. And He chose two ordinary people to walk in extraordinary relationship with Him. They were just regular men, living their lives, raising their families.
But the Lord called. And they were the two who answered. Moses, doubtful and unsure, but willing. Excuse after excuse. Afraid. But willing. He bore such a large responsibilty. He was GOD to Aaron, for crying out loud. WHO DOES THAT????
Scripture says specifically: 26 It was this same Aaron and Moses to whom the LORD said, "Bring the Israelites out of Egypt by their divisions." 27 They were the ones who spoke to Pharaoh king of Egypt about bringing the Israelites out of Egypt. It was the same Moses and Aaron.
I cannot describe how blown away I was. I am Moses. Ordinary and non-descript. There is nothing so special about me, but that I'm willing. Doubtful, afraid, excuses and all. I'm willing. Questioning the whole time. But I'm willing. Totally uncertain of my ability to weather the storms and the hard-hearted Pharaoh. But willing to serve my Master.
Total change of direction, total re-alignment. Totally new path to walk in shoes that were way too big at first.Tripping over my own feet, and feelin' awful inadequate and unequipped. BUT GOD, just like He did with Moses, made those shoes fit. He equipped me and He has led me in the same way He did Moses. I haven't had another person to guide me. I've only had the Lord. And I have been the one to guide others. Learning and growing the whole time. The Lord of Heaven and Earth has seen fit to use me.
And finally, I believe in the greatness for which He's purposed me. I believe in the plan He has for my life and my family. I believe in the ability (in Him) to do what He's called me to do.
That is the real mountaintop. The deliciousness of walking in such amazing intimacy that 3 years later, I can look at myself and know that I am changed. I am matured. I am unique and special and capable and equipped to live this plan out.
As things move forward, I have a clear vision and a heart that beats to see the unfathomable things of the Lord come to pass. He picked me. I'm that same girl who ran and hid her head in the sand for so long, who's grandmother looked at and saw that I would be the one the Lord would use to fulfill His promise to her. And still, He chose me.
How overwhelming. How absolutely, utterly overwhelming.
The fruit is ripe and fragrant and ready to be plucked from it's branches. It's harvest time you guys, and the best fruit of the harvest is, well, ME.
Because I am changed.
Really and truly be blessed, guys.
Ro
There is just something extra-special and marvelous about the way God works. Limbo has been my spot. Not so long ago, the Lord told me that all He's promised would come all at once. And it appears that this is true. I'm seeing some amazing things come to pass. All special and all BEYOND exciting. Truly, this is the end of the valley.
I thought I'd be more outwardly excited to be almost at the top of the mountain, but not really. This excited is an internal sort of excited. It is rooted way deep down and when it erupts, I just know it's gonna take me (and everybody else) by storm. This place is not one where the things are what's exciting. The rewards are great, don't get me wrong. But the real excitement is that I can see a truly new person in me. I truly can see the growth. The freedoms I once took so for granted? I view it all now as a privilege. I view it all as a gift that needs to be cared for and used in line with the convictions of the Giver. God's favor and His hand on my life is something I took for granted. Not anymore.
With every passing day, my life reflects more and more God's heart. The joy is that truly He is making me beautiful in His time - and His way. For the first time in my adult life, I believe in who I am created to be. I believe in God's plan for me. I was studying this morning in Exodus. Chapters 3 - 6. At the very end of chapter six, a reference is made to the promise that the Lord made to Abraham,Isaac,and Jacob - saying that in calling Moses (& Aaron), He is remembering that promise. Then it goes on to give the family tree for Israel (Jacob, after his name changed) and his descendants. There were so many names that I recall are seen later in scripture. But Moses and Aaron stuck out for me. There was nothing so special that made them great. Only that the Lord had made a promise that He was bound to fulfill. And He chose two ordinary people to walk in extraordinary relationship with Him. They were just regular men, living their lives, raising their families.
But the Lord called. And they were the two who answered. Moses, doubtful and unsure, but willing. Excuse after excuse. Afraid. But willing. He bore such a large responsibilty. He was GOD to Aaron, for crying out loud. WHO DOES THAT????
Scripture says specifically: 26 It was this same Aaron and Moses to whom the LORD said, "Bring the Israelites out of Egypt by their divisions." 27 They were the ones who spoke to Pharaoh king of Egypt about bringing the Israelites out of Egypt. It was the same Moses and Aaron.
I cannot describe how blown away I was. I am Moses. Ordinary and non-descript. There is nothing so special about me, but that I'm willing. Doubtful, afraid, excuses and all. I'm willing. Questioning the whole time. But I'm willing. Totally uncertain of my ability to weather the storms and the hard-hearted Pharaoh. But willing to serve my Master.
Total change of direction, total re-alignment. Totally new path to walk in shoes that were way too big at first.Tripping over my own feet, and feelin' awful inadequate and unequipped. BUT GOD, just like He did with Moses, made those shoes fit. He equipped me and He has led me in the same way He did Moses. I haven't had another person to guide me. I've only had the Lord. And I have been the one to guide others. Learning and growing the whole time. The Lord of Heaven and Earth has seen fit to use me.
And finally, I believe in the greatness for which He's purposed me. I believe in the plan He has for my life and my family. I believe in the ability (in Him) to do what He's called me to do.
That is the real mountaintop. The deliciousness of walking in such amazing intimacy that 3 years later, I can look at myself and know that I am changed. I am matured. I am unique and special and capable and equipped to live this plan out.
As things move forward, I have a clear vision and a heart that beats to see the unfathomable things of the Lord come to pass. He picked me. I'm that same girl who ran and hid her head in the sand for so long, who's grandmother looked at and saw that I would be the one the Lord would use to fulfill His promise to her. And still, He chose me.
How overwhelming. How absolutely, utterly overwhelming.
The fruit is ripe and fragrant and ready to be plucked from it's branches. It's harvest time you guys, and the best fruit of the harvest is, well, ME.
Because I am changed.
Really and truly be blessed, guys.
Ro
Monday, October 4, 2010
Oh The Conviction of It All!
"Love your husband as you love Me. Not in worship, but in absoluteness.'
And then to make that statement even more interesting, the verse that follows immediately is the one Job spoke 'though He slay me yet will I trust Him'.
FOR REAL GOD?!
how tha... ?!
what tha... ?!
who tha... ?!
HUH?!
I'm sorry. I don't understand. *blank stare*
That's all I got on that one.
As I say 'Yes Sir'
*sigh*
==========> THIS is me... kickin' rocks...
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Some Fresh Perspective on God
I have mentioned the study I'm sort of facilitating and the object lessons that I seem to be receiving as a result.
What I did not mention is that I am actually the one who is responsible for creating this study. And it has been an undertaking like nothing I've done before. I'm finding that by virtue of the position of 'teacher', I'm being held to a higher standard and to a much different level of accountability. It's pretty intense.
I've always been a 'teacher', but more in line with mentoring than actual teaching. And I've always taught things that are based on prior experience, never things that I know on the surface, but that I am learning on a deeper level, even as I teach others the same lessons.
This is a really strange place for me to be, because it is compounded by the great game of hurry-up-and-wait me and the Lord seem to be enjoyin' right now. He told me a few weeks ago that as trying as so much of what's happenin' around me is right now, it's all designed to draw me closer to Him. He wants me to know Him in a different way. In a way I've never known Him before.
I actually thought this study would be how He does that, and in some ways it is, but really what's bringing that to pass is that I'm having to change how I see Him as a whole. I have known His grace in so far as Him being a protector. I have known His favor in so far as the positions He's always allowed me to enjoy. I have known His friendship because He tells me lots and lots of stuff. I know Him as a Father because, well, it's how He makes the most sense to me.
Now, I am learning His grace because I am not perfect. And that imperfection allows me to recognize just how often He gives to me more than I could ever deserve on my own. I am coming to know His favor and His love beause He protects me. I am in a position of vulnerability and it leaves me uneasy, but every step of the way, He's keepin' me safe. I know His friendship differently because even though things are wierd right now and I'm all outta wack lots of the time, He sits with me. Lets me confide and vent and just get it all out. And then He tells me to get back up and keep on goin - just like I'd expect from a friend. And I know Him as a Father, because I have had the distinct impression that He hurts with me.
When I was a little girl, my dad used to cry if he had to discipline me or if I had to face something that was difficult. He would hurt because he knew I didn't understand it all just yet, but he knew that it had to be that way because I had to learn the lesson of the challenge. He knew that he could fix it, but he understood a much greater truth: fixing it would hurt me in the long run. But enduring it and standing under the pressure and the pain would build character and confidence in me, the likes of which I'd never know otherwise.
This is the sort of Father the Lord is to me now. I feel His heart when I weep because it's just so tough and I'm just so ready to be done. I know that He wants to take my pain, but He won't because I need to get thru the rest of the process. He's knows better than I do right now that if I don't do this now, I will suffer later. He loves me enough to allow the perfecting of this season to be completed, EVEN THOUGH I don't really get why it has to be this way. Not really. Not completely. But just like the lessons I learned at 15 that I didn't understand then, but understand all too well now, I will come to understand all too well the lessons of this season in my spiritual life as well.
I was feeling like I had hit a wall, and I was purposely trying NOT to break thru that wall because 'to whom much is given, much is required.' And I'm not really feelin' that requirement. But as I walk in obedience to prepare this study and teach it, I'm finding that the only choice I have is to break thru that wall. Because on the other side is the bounty for which I've fought and worked. And more than that, the other side is where I will find the Lord in a fresh new way.
It is in the breaking thru that I will dive deeper and deeper into an infinite God. I will learn His heart and His love in a way that adversity will never teach. There is a level of relationship that is only born of walking in the responsibility of our calls. I haven't been real sure about truly embracing this new thing, but He's been working on that.
In a lot of ways, it seems that this place is HARDER than a season of adversity. Because here is where you want to say 'nope. I paid my dues. I've walked out all that hard stuff and I'm entitled to a break. I'm not doing anymore, at least not right now. Let somebody else do this part. I'mma rest for a bit and I'll hook up with u later.' That tempation is so real for me right now. But my Daddy is so good that He isn't allowing me to fall prey to that. He's giving me the grace to look at this next step and say 'Ok. We both know I'm not really feeling this. We both know I'm tired and not sure just how much more I can take, but I've come too far to quit now. If You've gotten me here, You'll get me the rest of the way - whatever that way is. So I'm gonna trust You. I'm gonna accept this responsibility, even as it overlaps the end of the adversity because there is work to do. Doesn't matter how I feel or if I understand. Only matters that YOU understand. Because in Your time I'll know all I need to know. So let's do this.'
Thru this whole teaching thing, He's making me dig deeper. He's revealing a new side of His character and of His heart. And He's teaching me more than I'll ever be able to teach anyone else.
Time for a new season of transformation, different than any I've experienced before.
His question to me, even as I type this is 'Will you surrender to Me again, or will you take your life back and follow your own ways.'
And as hard as it is, with tears threatening to fall, my answer is fully forming in my spirit, beginning to rest on my heart, almost ready to flow from my lips. 'Yes. Yes Lord. I will surrender to You again. I will choose Your way and not my own. I will follow You no matter what. I will walk in obedience to You now, just as I have before and I will trust You with my life. Your ways are not my ways, nor Your thoughts my thoughts, but Your love is perfect and Your way is best. So, yes Lord. I will follow You.'
And so I guesss a new phase of this journey has begun.
If He asked you the same question, how would you answer?
blessings, ya'll.
What I did not mention is that I am actually the one who is responsible for creating this study. And it has been an undertaking like nothing I've done before. I'm finding that by virtue of the position of 'teacher', I'm being held to a higher standard and to a much different level of accountability. It's pretty intense.
I've always been a 'teacher', but more in line with mentoring than actual teaching. And I've always taught things that are based on prior experience, never things that I know on the surface, but that I am learning on a deeper level, even as I teach others the same lessons.
This is a really strange place for me to be, because it is compounded by the great game of hurry-up-and-wait me and the Lord seem to be enjoyin' right now. He told me a few weeks ago that as trying as so much of what's happenin' around me is right now, it's all designed to draw me closer to Him. He wants me to know Him in a different way. In a way I've never known Him before.
I actually thought this study would be how He does that, and in some ways it is, but really what's bringing that to pass is that I'm having to change how I see Him as a whole. I have known His grace in so far as Him being a protector. I have known His favor in so far as the positions He's always allowed me to enjoy. I have known His friendship because He tells me lots and lots of stuff. I know Him as a Father because, well, it's how He makes the most sense to me.
Now, I am learning His grace because I am not perfect. And that imperfection allows me to recognize just how often He gives to me more than I could ever deserve on my own. I am coming to know His favor and His love beause He protects me. I am in a position of vulnerability and it leaves me uneasy, but every step of the way, He's keepin' me safe. I know His friendship differently because even though things are wierd right now and I'm all outta wack lots of the time, He sits with me. Lets me confide and vent and just get it all out. And then He tells me to get back up and keep on goin - just like I'd expect from a friend. And I know Him as a Father, because I have had the distinct impression that He hurts with me.
When I was a little girl, my dad used to cry if he had to discipline me or if I had to face something that was difficult. He would hurt because he knew I didn't understand it all just yet, but he knew that it had to be that way because I had to learn the lesson of the challenge. He knew that he could fix it, but he understood a much greater truth: fixing it would hurt me in the long run. But enduring it and standing under the pressure and the pain would build character and confidence in me, the likes of which I'd never know otherwise.
This is the sort of Father the Lord is to me now. I feel His heart when I weep because it's just so tough and I'm just so ready to be done. I know that He wants to take my pain, but He won't because I need to get thru the rest of the process. He's knows better than I do right now that if I don't do this now, I will suffer later. He loves me enough to allow the perfecting of this season to be completed, EVEN THOUGH I don't really get why it has to be this way. Not really. Not completely. But just like the lessons I learned at 15 that I didn't understand then, but understand all too well now, I will come to understand all too well the lessons of this season in my spiritual life as well.
I was feeling like I had hit a wall, and I was purposely trying NOT to break thru that wall because 'to whom much is given, much is required.' And I'm not really feelin' that requirement. But as I walk in obedience to prepare this study and teach it, I'm finding that the only choice I have is to break thru that wall. Because on the other side is the bounty for which I've fought and worked. And more than that, the other side is where I will find the Lord in a fresh new way.
It is in the breaking thru that I will dive deeper and deeper into an infinite God. I will learn His heart and His love in a way that adversity will never teach. There is a level of relationship that is only born of walking in the responsibility of our calls. I haven't been real sure about truly embracing this new thing, but He's been working on that.
In a lot of ways, it seems that this place is HARDER than a season of adversity. Because here is where you want to say 'nope. I paid my dues. I've walked out all that hard stuff and I'm entitled to a break. I'm not doing anymore, at least not right now. Let somebody else do this part. I'mma rest for a bit and I'll hook up with u later.' That tempation is so real for me right now. But my Daddy is so good that He isn't allowing me to fall prey to that. He's giving me the grace to look at this next step and say 'Ok. We both know I'm not really feeling this. We both know I'm tired and not sure just how much more I can take, but I've come too far to quit now. If You've gotten me here, You'll get me the rest of the way - whatever that way is. So I'm gonna trust You. I'm gonna accept this responsibility, even as it overlaps the end of the adversity because there is work to do. Doesn't matter how I feel or if I understand. Only matters that YOU understand. Because in Your time I'll know all I need to know. So let's do this.'
Thru this whole teaching thing, He's making me dig deeper. He's revealing a new side of His character and of His heart. And He's teaching me more than I'll ever be able to teach anyone else.
Time for a new season of transformation, different than any I've experienced before.
His question to me, even as I type this is 'Will you surrender to Me again, or will you take your life back and follow your own ways.'
And as hard as it is, with tears threatening to fall, my answer is fully forming in my spirit, beginning to rest on my heart, almost ready to flow from my lips. 'Yes. Yes Lord. I will surrender to You again. I will choose Your way and not my own. I will follow You no matter what. I will walk in obedience to You now, just as I have before and I will trust You with my life. Your ways are not my ways, nor Your thoughts my thoughts, but Your love is perfect and Your way is best. So, yes Lord. I will follow You.'
And so I guesss a new phase of this journey has begun.
If He asked you the same question, how would you answer?
blessings, ya'll.
Once Again... Thanks God...
'The conversation wont be one either of you plans or expects. But resist not the words in your mouth. Talk to him honestly.'
I start tentatively ... i stop...
'Speak your heart, Love.'
I start again... and then... one statement leads to another one that leads to a poor attitude on the part of H. That leads me to say 'Are we friends enough to have this conversation?'
That leads to the conversation that has been held at bay for a long time but that needed to happen if I was to be alright ever ever ever in life with us being together permanently, after all this.
If we weren't dead before. I'm sure we are now. And I guess that God is gonna revive it.
Because, if He doesn't. It's just gonna stay like it is. He made a choice when he left Friday. And I made one when I started talking.
I'm not even gonna recount the words we exchanged. None of em were nice. All of em were honest. And necessary.
I'm good with obeying. I'm not good with being taken for granted for the sake of his convenience or comfort.
I'm learning to be good with staying. I'm not ever gonna be good with staying at the cost of respect and a real future.
If he loves me, he needs to act like it. Bottom line.
And because I love him, nothin' less than his best is good enough. Real talk.
I'm tired.
Anger has given way to hurt.
Again.
And now that hurt is giving way to the warrior chick that I am on the inside.
It's just how I roll in this season of life. Once i get mad. Once I finally stand back up from the blow and really get hot, then I fight. Because I promise I'm not doin all this just to lose. Please believe.
And I know I've said I wanna quit. I know I said I'm willin to forfeit the promises at this point.
I LIED.
I've worked too hard and fought WAY TOO LONG for me to take this one for the team. I'm not handing my life over to satan or any of his minions. Nor am I handing my family over.
H may piss me off. And I might wanna beat him down. But I'm NOT gonna give up my life. Nor am I gonna give up his.
The other grown-butt in all this. I told him friday, that's not even an issue. An inconvenience and a pain in the butt. But not an issue... But i got them too. Thinkin' they won... I got a news-flash. NOT SO MUCH.
The little people that BOTH their triflin' butts have put in the middle - especially the one that I already love, who's heart is gonna be hurt because of the grown-ups? That's a problem. He deserves better than what they're given. And the small one that I'mma learn to love? He deserves a fighting chance at not being plagued by grown-up foolishness.
God has called this mangy pack my family. So I have too. For a long time now. If there was a hope that satan had of me throwin H away, it all faded when the realization hit me squarely in the face that a) that act would prove satan right, and b) children - INNOCENT children - are affected by the choices we all make.
I might be the grown-up who's been wronged in all this. But that doesnt give me the freedom to not take the spiritual responsibilty for all our well-being that God has given me seriously. I dont have to like anything. God never asked me to. But I do have to obey.
And because that's just who I am at this point, I'm gonna obey. God knows my heart. He knows every pain and every bit of frustration and anger that still lingers. But. He's bigger than that. And quite frankly, if He can work in me like He has, He can work in H and that other clown too.
I might feel like transparency is overrated, right now. But I'm not willing to live with defeat or hopelessness. Not at all. And I'm certainly not willin to take one for the team because it'll make me feel better right now.
I'm not givin' anybody the satisfaction of giving up the things I've come to long for because they make it damned inconvenient to cross the finish line. And I'm certainly not giving a THEIF the pleasure of punking me like it's trynna punk my man.
Not even.
Friday night was a wake-up call. He wants She-Ra. He talked all that yack about how he's knows I'm strong - hopin in his head that would mean I'm strong enough to let him hurt me while he bull-corns around and tries to tarry on some decision-making, all the while taking for granted that cuz I've said the Lord has told me to stay committed to us, I'mma do that and not require somethin of him. BLESS HIS HEART. REAL LIFE hit him square in his mug. He got She-Ra alright.
Since both him and God seem to believe - with two totally different motives in mind - that I'm so strong and stuff, I guess I'll just walk it out. And I guess they'll both be proved right. In all humility and in all honesty. Cuz the very strength H takes for granted is the very strength that REQUIRES me to hold him accountable for my heart, our relationship, and our future. And the very strength God keeps tellin' me I have is the very strength He always restores and calls me to draw from when it's time to stand up and fight.
I guess they're both gonna get to see me rise to the occassion.
I hope I please God.
And I hope H finds some of the same character that he loves so much about me, inside himself.
He's not a sorry man. But he's behavin like one. And it's time that ends.
He thinks he walked away, but he RAN right on into a face-to-face come to Jesus meetin. And I'm gon' do my part to make sure I usher him there.
If you know my heart, you know this isnt said in pride. I know that he's gonna hurt. And I know that God is gonna do some tremendous shaking in him and in all of us. I know that in the choice to accept this foolishness and receive him back as God rattles his cage is to choose my shame.
I'm choosin. I'm choosing the same shame Christ chose when He chose to die, hoping that I'd accept the gift of life... The shame of God's way. The shame of sacrifice and crucifixtion that leads to someone else's redemption. The shame that leads to something beautiful when the stone is rolled away.
So... I'm gonna accept the lessons about love. I'm gonna take all that and I'm gonna walk in it. Starting now. It's a fight they want... It's a fight they're gonna get. And since my commander-in-chief is God, it's a fight I fully intend to win.
Song of Solomon 8:6... Lord, may my love for H be as strong as death. May its jealousy be as unyielding as the grave. You conquered the grave before Christ faced the cross. I cant say I believe You and then not stand up and do my part. It's Your job to fix this, not mine. But it's my job to obey and move like You say, to open the door and invite You in. So. Finally. I'll accept the strength You've given me. I'll accept the fact that my heart is not too hard to love H. I'll accept that my heart is not too bitter to love our newest sweetheart. I'll even accept the fact that I'm not too hurt to fight for the best interest of the Intruder. Anything less negates the work You've done in me. So. I'm choosing. Not my way. Your way. Not what's easy. What's right. Not what's natural. What's wise. And not what feels good. But what IS good. Prove Yourself. You spoke to me that You are proving something in my surrender. I will accept that and I will stand and watch as You revive and restore. The enemies I see today, I know in my heart, I will never see them again. Part the Red Sea, God. I'm taking the authority You've given to me and I'm gonna fight. Because it's either fight or die. And death is not an option. I'm gonna fight. Lord please... Part the Red Sea. Take us safely across on dry land and drown the Egyptians that follow. The conviction that rang out in our conversation, use it to accomplish Your purpose and to draw hearts to You, rather than away from You. Show me what to do, how to love. Show me how to pray and how to stand. And show those who are praying with and for us, exactly what we need as You give us our life back. Heal my sweet son's heart; use the pain that he will feel in this for Your purpose in his life. Open my little one's heart to You, as he enjoys the sweet privilege of seeing his father walk in Godly manhood. Thank You for their lives and thank You for an opportunity to love them beyond my natural ability - as if they were my very own. I'm trusting You God. In Jesus Name. Amen.
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