I Need To Be Reminded

"True Love Lives...."

"You need to allow him past your pain."

"Disobedience is not an option. There is too much at stake spiritually for Me to allow you to disobey this time. You are not free to leave."

"You havent walked away naturally, but you've written things off in your heart."

"It's called being engaged...."

It Was a Set-Up

*warning... VERY ANGRY POST... don't say I didn't warn you*

All this giving up of my right to be obnoxiously hurt and offended by all this mess. It was a set-up.

All this giving up my will. It was a set-up.

Because now all i feel is a brokenness in the depths of my spirit that I am lost to process.

But there has to be something... some way to do this... cuz this CANNOT continue this way.

The depth of this hurt is more than I care to deal with for any prolonged period of time.

The sheer control it is taking not to just sit and cry and wail is ridiculous.

I'm tired of crying behind other people's foolishness. I'm tired of being the example. I'm tired of being the brave one, the one who does what's right, the one who sacrifices on behalf of the masses at this point in my life.

Had I known 'yes' would look like this, I woulda kept on doin my own thing.

Because really.

I am flatly PISSED OFF and UNINTERESTED in what anybody else needs right now. FORGET what he needs. HE did this. I did not.

He gets to break me inside and I get to stay and put up w/this foolishness? I'm not diggin' that. Not even a little bit.

THIS is the very reason that when this all started with me and him I wouldnt' let him get close. I give in and let him, and this is where we end up?

I am SO PISSED.

I dont have words for this. Not at all.

And what pisses me off the most is that I'm this angry and this hurt inside, KNOWING that we're gonna be fine. I wasn't lying when I said there is real freedom in this. Because there is. A ton of it. I know full well that at the end of the day things are going to be fine...

What I DON'T know is how alright with that fact, I really am.

Sounds dumb right? I should be happy, right? Becauase I love him he loves me and God will have done an amazing thing. I'm sure I should be happy about that.

But I'm not. Because this feels like he gets a frikkin'' REWARD for what his selfishness and foolishness has brought to the table. He gets to ..... AND keep me?! WHAT is that?!

He gets to be 'not brave', but when he needs me... when he finds the courage to talk to me, to be with me, I'm supposed to go with that? No resistance... No hesitation... no change in my disposition or demeanor.

WHAT?!

When exactly did I become She-ra? When exactly did it become a reasonable expectation to ask me to exhibit this RIDICULOUS amount of grace toward him AND the intruders? When exactly did I become some emotional Hercules?!

You gotta be kiddin' me.

I am so OVER THIS. Let 'em have it.

If he thinks the other option is the better one, let 'em have it. Let him figure this stupidness out on his own. Let him fall flat on his blasted face when he figures out that what he's callin loyal is a buncha foolishness rooted in the same selfishness that has landed us in this very unfortunate moment in time.

LET HIM HAVE THIS TRASH.

And then when he figures it out, lemme be so far gone and over this that this whole scene is not even a second thought.

That's what the absolutely 'Rosheeda' side of me is saying... Because the me that he has never properly met -  THAT version of myself would not have dealt with most of what came before this. But she certainly... MOST CERTAINLY... would not accept this at all. Not on any level. And if she did, she would be punishin' the devil outa him. Cuz the ONLY interaction would be on her terms. And that good ole vanishing act? It would be his reality. He would look up one day and realize that he hasnt spoke to or seen or even had a whiff of my existence and when he came  lookin, he'd have no idea where to find me. Cuz i'd be out.

But then God came along and put this version of me to sleep. She's dead and gone. And that really pisses me off in moments like this one when people have gone one step too far in taking advantage of what they see as a sweet gentle patient spirit. Because really. Maybe if I was just a raving WITCH he wouldn't have had the nerve to pull this stunt.

BLAH.

God was right (like He's ever NOT right). This is not anger.This is flat-out rage. And it has GOT to go. Cuz if my mind & heart keep on trynna travel this road, that old girl is gonna rise up and act like herself. And it's gon' be bad. Real bad.

&^%$!

I really wish it was somebody else's turn to grow the &^%$ up and get over themselves.

Really I do.

I've Half a Mind....

... to call him and tell him to come get me so we can talk.

And then I've half a mind to tell him to tell her that he's done so that we can get on with life, that even though he doesn't think he's capable of more or deserving of more I do. And that my thoughts on the matter, my confidence in who he REALLY is - because this foolishness is so not that - is enough to carry us both until he finds it in himself to see himself thru God's eyes.

I just want to take him and hold his face between my hands and pour my heart for him into him until he believes that my thoughts of him are his own thoughts of him. I want to kiss his face, his eyes and share with him the tenderness that exists for him even outside my hurt.

I want to make it better for him. I want make him feel like he's Superman in my eyes. Because even though I'm strugglin' right now, I haven't forgotten what's beautiful about him.

I want to sit with his head in my lap, my hand stroking his hair. And I want to tell him all the ways I see God in him.

I want to build him up.

I want so desperately for him to look at himself in a mirror and not see his past or even his present. I want him to see the wonder of what God is doing and will do in him.

I want him to know my Jesus intimately.

He's saved.

But that's not enough.

I want him to be in love with my Jesus.

I want his life to speak of God's goodness and life-ttransforming power.

I want so much for him... so much...

My spirit just grieves right now. The ache is so deep for him to see Jesus for himself. Not just thru the traditions of a church full of corrupt and falliable man. But thru the eyes of the Father. I want God to be his Teacher, his Comforter, his Confidant, his Master.

I want God to be his Everything.

I want God's word to come alive. I want His Voice to drive the most intimate of details of my H's heart and plan.

I want H's whole life to be an act of worship.

So help me, in spite of everything else that I feel and all the emotion that pervades my OWN corrupt heart, the part of me that is ever aware of the magnitude of what God wants from and for my H wants desperately to see that work complete in him and would do anything to make sure it comes to pass.

The one thought that has been trying to rest on me all day is that he doesn't know his own worth. He doesn't see himself properly, so he cannot see anyone else in the same way. He doesnt have any idea why I'd choose to stay. And if he's honest w/himself, he's too afraid to ask. He's just waiting on me to tell him I cant do this. Just waiting on me to tell him to go ahead build that life and I'll lick my wounds and move on.

And that just makes my spirit want to hold him close and soothe his fear and his worry. Because the fact is, I'm here because of love. Im staying because of love....

I prayed long ago, my life for his. I asked God to accept my sacrfice and give him new life, real life, abundant life. I didn't know how it'd look. But here we are.

And what's rising up in me today is... my life for his... He needs life more than I need comfort. He needs Jesus far more than I need not to be ashamed. He needs freedom from bondage - of his own making and of that from generation foolishness - far more than I need to feel like he's sufficiently contrite towards me.

This is a stretch, to be sure. But this is not a game, it's not a joke. This is about his life. His children. Our children. They cannot be sacrificed at the altar of my entitlement and the idol of my own comfort.

The price is too high to walk away.

So I guess that means it's worth it to stay....

Lord, I dunno what You're doin in me.I dunno who's praying for me. But thank you for that,God. I need it. I needed today to see with a surrendered heart. I needed the grace of understanding on a deeper level. Thank you Lord. And I praise You for what has already been finished in heaven. Thank you God. Draw H close to you and whisper sweet love songs. Woo him into the desert so that together we can find the promised land. My life for his. Our life for You. Not our will be done, Lord, but Your will be done. No man can make straight what You have made crooked. So prove to them that YOU made it crooked and lead him back to the path that You made straight just for him. I love You Lord and I'm grateful. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Today is Tuesday - Here Are My Ten Things!!!

Jill, I'm on time this week (well, almost)!!! YAY!!!

Ok, now for my ten things. (lemme see if I can pull this off. I've had all day to get it right... Let's see what I got):

1. I'm not who I was. I'm able to handle the same sorts of situations now in a way that I couldn't one year ago. And to my joy and amazement, I've discovered that much of it just doesn't matter anymore. So freeing.
2. I have had a challenge to face this last few weeks - a huge sacrifice (huge to me but maybe not to anyone else) and I've done it. Today is day 23 without breaking my commitment. God has made His Grace real to me in this 'habit reformation' process. Gotta love it.
3. My life is where it should be, however akward it seems sometimes. And that's plenty of cause to be grateful.
4. Rain. I love it.
5. Spring. I love it as much as I love rain.
6. I/M. It is the best invention ever, next to cell phones.
7. Today is Tuesday. That means tomorrow is Wednesday. And that would mean this week is 1/2 over.
8. For a hide-away. Sometimes a person just needs to rest.
9. The colors of new life. It reminds me that just like nature is entering into a new season of birth and growth, so am I - and it's a season I've longed for.
10. That although it took me 20 minutes I could come up with 9 other things to be thankful for, in the midst of a stressful week.

Go to Jill's Spot and make this happen people!

A Beautiful Journey

It seems to me that the changes I most want to see are the ones I'm afraid I will never see.

I spend so much time worrying, praying, and crying over 'em and then out of nowhere they manifest.

Like a ton of bricks they fall and they do it as quietly as if they had fallen in a forest made of cotton.

They sneak up on you and they are so smooth with it, you don't realize they've even come until the time to acknowledge them has past.

You know how they do - like that smooth suave debonair sexy man with the sultry voice and bedroom eyes. He slides in, seduces you with his all his suave - leaving you breathless - and then as quickly as he came, he's gone.

I'm learning that these are the building blocks of faith. These moments are the ones on which trust is established.

You know, He told me things would happen in leaps and bounds. I thought 'ok. it'll be another year or two then before I see any of this so let me not just get my hopes up and let me just ride it out and be easy w/this current place. Let a sista just relax and settle in for the ride.'

So I did.

Then out of nowhere, I start having all these deep moments - like the one mentioned above - and my mind is just blown.

LOL, I think I vaguely remember praying something like this: 'Lord let me just enjoy the journey. Let me not be so intent on getting to the end that I miss the beauty in the process. I want all the sweetness along the way. Please just let me enjoy the journey.'

And as my ton of bricks finally made an impact on my heart Wednesday, I had the distinct impression of the glint of laughter in a Father's eyes and deep joy that His daughter is so taken with how He's orchestrated this thing.

I told Jenn that I feel like Sarah when she laughed at the Messenger who told her she would convcieve a child with her husband - even though she was 50 Million and 1/2 years old (taken from another friend), and then actually wound up pregnant. Cuz He told me two years ago that it would all come together and that I would not be shamed in my choice to obey. I all but laughed in His face - but I obeyed. And come to find out, He told the truth. I am not being shamed. I'm being proven wise on this deal.

So, in that moment I rejoiced - and am still rejoicing now. Because I didn't earn this moment. He just gave it to me. I could never in all my years earn this sort of sweetness. That God loves me enough to just give them to me tells me that I'm loved.

Truly, Madly, Deeply Loved.


Baby-
Thank you. I love you and I am so proud of the man you're becoming. God did a good thing giving you to me. I cherish you. I cherish this journey. You make God's grace and His love real to me. You're weathering this season like a pro and you will reap one-hundred fold from this sowing. Ride or Die, Love.

My Mind Just Won't Be Quiet...

It is extremely early and I'm up... because I have to actually work today.

imagine that...

anyway. I'm certainly not sitting down at 6 a.m. to blog about the fact that I'm going to work.

My mind is just 'on'... and shutting it down doesn't seem to be happening. So I thought that maybe if I blog some of the thoughts in my brain might decide to take a break - at least for a little while.

So, I did make an attempt to hide out this weekend. And well... an attempt it was... And it ended with a new desire to go back under a rock and just not re-emerge - not anytime soon. But no worries. I was forced to show my face - which was probably a good thing in hindsight.

Honestly, it felt like Friday opened Pandora's box emotionally. I mean... to this point, the lid has come off for a while but then it goes back on when it gets to be too much. But this time. It came off and it STAYED off. And I'm not comfortable with that.

Because well, there are those who thrive on anger and hurt. The rush of all that emotion and the passion and surge of ... whatever it is.... that comes with it... As crazy as I think it is, there really are those who get off on this sort of thing. But... that's not me. And it's not that i'm not comfortable w/the feelings... not entirely. It's more that I simply dont LIKE them. I dont like what it produces in my heart or my spirit. I dont like the thoughts that come or the powerlessness that I feel knowing that I'm being attakced and not being sure that I'm strong enough to stand under the assault.

This weekend... It just took me there. And in the middle of all that showed up, i felt God saying 'move forward'. Days later, I'm still grasping that. I get it. I got it when He said it. I just don't really know how to prepare for it... I know that some things you just have to do; there is no preparing. And I guess maybe I should be ok with that. But I'm not sure I am.

I mean... Sunday night when I got home and settled down and allowed myself to take in what the Lord was saying to me, I was able to genuinely commit to moving forward. With H. (Because this weekend, it wasnt the moving forward that was problematic. It was the moving forward TOGETHER that I wasn't so into.) But I digress... Anyway...

Having surrendered myself to that instruction, now comes the tricky part... accepting the Word the Lord has been speaking. Accepting what I can see is really gonna be a challenge when it comes to my people. Being ok with the fact that I'm not gonna be spared the headache or the heartache of other people's tactless, thoughtless, judgemental, critcal whateverness. And really. For a buncha strangers. It's not a big deal. But for people who I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. It's a big deal. It matters to me. And somehow, I've gotta shut that down.

Because if there is any hope of us being in-tact at the end of this road, then I've gotta accept that they are, in fact, NOT going to be gracious to us. And that I will, in fact, need to steel myself to face the criticism and the crucifixtion that's comin.

Somehow that needs to happen...

It just has to.

Laughter... And The Lord

There is so much amazingness happening around me that everytime something new happens, all I know to do is sit back and laugh. It really really is breathtaking and mindblowing.

So... over the next couple of days, expect lots of giggly goofy hilarity from me.

STARTING TODAY! :-D

HA!!!!! God is just so BEYOND GOOD! OH MY GOODNESS!!!

I'll be back, people. Not to worry. I want to contaminate all ya'll with my special brand of giddy.

Blessings,

Ro

Today...

... has been emotionally taxing.

One of the partners of my company passed away early this morning. And add to that an already frustrated me because of some other work-related things and I'm just WORN OUT.

Can ya pray for 3 things for me?

1) AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT - I'm sweet as punch, but once I'm frustrated or not sure I can trust you, you can pretty much kiss any hope of not knowing how I feel good-bye. I need to use some self-control and let the Lord handle this one; Cuz if not, I"ll pull THEIR hair out. (I need mine; I have to look good. *grins*)

2) The parnter who passed: his son. He is taking his father's place. He has worked all day today and taking on the position of partner in this company is going to be a major upheaval in his life. Pray that he has the strength and heart to do the necessary things and to realign his life in the way that God has for him.

and

3) FATHER!!!!! PLEASE pray that this thing with my work is resolved soon. I need this project to finish up already. Doggoneit. Then maybe the two of the partners who I am considering giving new hairstyles to will be a bit easier to handle - or at least BLOCK.

What??? A sista can't be all loveable all the time. Least I didn't pull one of my daddy's move and threaten to take em to the country and leave em in all that red dirt, never to be seen again. (What can I say; some things call for drastic measures, people!)

Seriously, please pray.

Thanks and I love ya'll.

Ro

The Mind of Christ Experiment - 30 Days... Let's See What God Does

Hey All -

I'm not sure who all reads my blog, but if you do, please check out this post at SUM.

Good stuff, people. Good stuff.

I'm doing it. Just get a journal. We start today. I will send the letter Lynn sent out to everyone who wanted to participate.

Email me if you want to be part (or go to SUM and e-mail Lynn).

Love ya'll and I can't wait to see what God does with this.

Ro

It's Been A Minute

It's early Sunday morning. I'm up and I'm goin to church. And not only am I going, I am also singing in the choir today for the first time in a very long time....

This hasn't happened for months (me going to church) and it's been even longer since I sang at church.

Wonder what it'll feel like...

Have a great day!

ro

On Purpose

The last few days I've been thinking of intentional living. What does it mean? How does it look? What does it entail? Is it even a possibility?

I've heard so many people say that life just happens. I watch so many people live life like it's just a series of unconnected disjointed events and like their only option is to forever react to the life that just seems to leap out at them. They are forever in clean-up mode - so busy picking up pieces at every turn that they never get around to stepping back, taking inventory and making deliberate choices to get to the sort of life that is lived not free of surprises, but full of purpose and the preparedness that comes from purposely choosing to live well.

No praying. No seeking God. No searching His word. No inviting Him in to search your heart or show you a new way. Just forever flitting from what sounds good, feels good, and looks good at the time - hoping all the while that in the end the fallout wont be too great.

But i get it. I totally get why this way of life would be more appealing on the surface. It's totally fleshly. No repsonsiblity rests with you and all the banal little cliches make it easy to discount your laziness and lack of discipline as 'just life'. Who doesn't want, at some point or another, to just throw caution to the wind and feel good for the moment? I totally get it.

I just dont think it makes much sense.

Intentional life, life full of purpose, life filled with thoughtful consideration of decisions in light of the bigger picture  - the effects long term of our choices and how other people will be impacted by the way we choose to live - it is HARD. Beyond hard. It requires a level of self-awareness, control and spiritual maturity that it takes a literal lifetime to develop.

It is not for the faint of heart.

But for the Believer, it is exactly what we are called to do and how we are calle to live. Every choice has reaching lasting lingering effects. Every thought we espouse, every word we speak, every action we take. It all impacts something or someone, and we will all be called to answer for choosing to live well or not.

Intentional life is the difference in making a good choice and making the BESTchoice. It is knowing what is alright and what is exquisite. It is knowing that even though you hae a right, that for which you have been given RESPONSIBILITY needs to prevail.

Everyone and everything has a set of rights; the clearest sign that we are seeking God and learning to live life with deliberate purpose is consistent conduct that says that we know that our rights must always take a back seat to what IS right.

Exercising our rights gives us license to act in our flesh. Walking in righteousness requires us to act in the manner becoming a co-heir with Christ.

A life that is not lived intentionally is a life that is not well-lived.

I hope that I model for those around me purposed, deliberate, calculated, thoughtfully considered life. Because I want them to live that way for me. That's where love shines and that's how I want to love, be loved.

That's how I want to be remembered. Not because I'm a nice girl. Not because I'm sweet or smart or charming or a good teacher or writer. But that I lived well and that I loved well. That my whole purpose was an intentional display of righteousness and that flaws and all, my life was a composite reflection of that desire and commitment.

Intentional living.

It is hard. But it is worth it... it is most definitely worth it....

You're Free. Now Choose Again.

Ugh.

I feel like God is testing me. And He probably is.

This authenticity thing. 

oh boy.

It's almost like God has allowed this door to open so that He can prove to me who I really am at this point. Which is all good, except... I dunno the answer.

I mean. I know that I needed to get to the place inside me where I could really be honest w/myself and God and even H about all this. That's not a bad thing at all.

But now, I'm faced with this unexpected turn of events. The more I've surrendered myself to this process this week, the more I see the freedom that I can take right now. I mean really. It is what it is, right? The instruction was to stay.... I'm still here....

But uh... cant that be on my terms?When it's convenient for me? Can't I still be here and even be checked in - only I do what I want outside the time we spend together? I mean... I'm strong enough to not compromise us in any real way, right? I deserve the time to breathe, right? Some 'me' time. Even H says I need it, right?

This authenticity thing... It apparently has the potential to go terribly wrong.

God told me a week or two ago that I would need to be making some choices as to whether or not I would keep on following Him. I would have the opporutnity to choose my road again.

So like, really. In light of the stronghold being broken and the new sense of freedom in my spirit, I am getting a literal do-over here. This is pretty much all the way back to the place where God called me to choose Him or me the first time. And I did it partially. H was the place where God gave me an opportunity to choose Him. H was the right choice, made with the wrong heart, attitude and perspective. God kept showing me, and I kept rejecting it out of hand because it didnt fit MY desires and MY idea of waht was best.

We're back here again. Who can really be shocked?!

And I can very literally do the same thing all over again: make the right choice with the wrong heart, attitude and perspective. I can take advantage of the bond between us and the fact that he'll work hard enough for the both of us to hold on to what we have. Just like I did then.

Or I can make the right choice on every level and choose God fully, instead of a little bit of God with a LOTTA BIT of me.

The glaring difference is that then, I didn't do the things I did with the knowledge that I have now.

But now. Now I know better. And now I'm being called to choose from a place of freedom, rather than of bondage.

The question on the table is this: do you get your freedom, only to squander it and go back to living with a worldly mentatlity? Or do you get your freedom and choose the slavery of righteousness?

"Will you put Me away now and live your own life, or will you follow Me still and fully commit to the life I have for you?"

I mean. Since you put it that way, Lord...

Out of all that I'm tempted with right now, this has been the most appealing. And I need to give it up before I ruin my own life.

A wise woman builds her house but a foolish one tears it down with her hands.

In all the pleasure of self-discovery and freedom, the reality is that I was not set free to do my own thing. God hasn't released me from my fears and bad choices only to have me live life on my own terms.

... God has such a way of making things plain....

H just called me. We talked for a second. He said 'I called you last night, about x number of times.'  I responded saying that I saw the last couple of calls, but that my battery had died and I didnt have my charger to call back. Which, was kinda true. My battery was NEARLY dead and it would've died pretty much as soon as I answered. But... I didnt answer the phone because I really just didnt want to be bothered...

His response to my response was to start to say something, but then catch himself and just say 'ok'. Meaning he doesnt believe me. Meaning that he feels like whatever I was doing, I just blew him off...

As we hung up, God gave me an image of him. He's tired. Sweaty and worn out like he just finished the race of his life. And he's broken.

"He's trying to make his way back... "

And the only thought I had was, don't hurt him on purpose. Don't mistreat him.

"Dont reject his efforts."

I'm wrong. This whole set of feelings I've had the last couple of days. They're wrong. It is NOT what it is.

"You cannot on be partially vested. You are committed in full or not at all, but to only check-in partially is to hurt him. You cannot expect him to walk in maturity if you are unwilling to fully engage."

In that moment, I made my decision.

I wont hurt him. We've done way too much of that. We've been waay too careless with eachother - for whatever the reason. And what God is doing is much too precious to throw it away for something as foolish as an unanswered phone call.

Alright God. Your way. And Your way alone. Not a little bit of You and a lotta bit of me. No partial check-in. I'm here. Present and fully engaged. I'm sorry.

Oh boy. The irony of it all....

oh boy...

Trust*Submission*My Wierdness

Chu is the first and only man that I have ever had in my life that has allowed me to find the courage enough to see him as trustworthy. He has endured my distance and my coldness and my total lack of expectation - at least of anything worth having. And even in the times where he has met my expectation of UTTERLY failing, he has gotten up, dug his feet in and gotten back to the business at hand... And all of this proves to me that he is trustworthy. My heart is safe with him. And this, I have worked really hard to grow into...

Just when I get comfortable... BAM ... here comes some more growth. *rollin' my eyes waaaaaaaaaay too hard*

I gotta learn how to submit? Not really feelin' that. We won't even go there with the conversation between me and the Lord on this one. Just know: HE WON.

I followed the direction and let Chu dictate the flow of things over the weekend. And considering that this is in direct relationship to my miffed-ness with him last week, we all know this did not taste sweet going down for me. HOWEVER, for him it seems to have unlocked some door internally. That man started speaking like he intends to be the head of somebody's household *coughcough* and I sat and listened in sheer amazement at the fact that he seemed to grow like FIFTY FEET TALL in 30 seconds flat. And it was in that moment that I realized what I am being called to do is not just to do what he tells me to do, or to let him have the last say because that's really his right position, but I am being instructed (and please note, I did not say 'asked' or 'encouraged') to trust that man with my life.

Now, I have always known that submission is just a matter of whether or not I trust him and more than that, whether or not I trust Him with my life. It has been all good to learn all that in theory. I have sat thru marriage classes plenty of times and all this has been drilled into my head countless times - but seriously it was all good, LONG AS IT DIDN'T APPLY TO ME. Now that I am having to begin applying all this head-knowledge, I'm finding that my heart is a very reluctant student.

More and more we are talking about building a life together and as exciting as that prospect is for me, it is overwhelmingly nerve-inducing. Seriously. I break out in a cold-sweat (not really, just being dramatic). The very idea of that sort of one-on-one all up in my business all the time-ness is jus a BIT much for my not very public,unaccustomed to sharing or having to do what somebody tells me to, loner self.

I discovered this weekend that submission is about so much more than just accpeting his authority &/or input; it really is about trust. It is a matter of whether or not I trust him to care for me fully, whether or not I trust him to know me - really know me - intimately and still like me, let alone still love me, whether or not I trust him to see me in all of my un-pretty glory and still think I'm sexy. (He's seen ugly clothes and even seen ugly hair, but tied up hair? DO RAGS and satin caps people, and other 'before I'm semi-puttogether' mess? NOT EVEN.) And we will not even discuss the idea of goin to the bathroom with him in the same house. SO SERIOUS. *tmi, maybe?* Wondering if he will be so grossed out at the un-ladylike things that he has so far been spared, that it'll send him packin', and trusting that none of that foolishness really matters to him and all that DOES matter is the life we share.

Some of this is silly I know, but it's real and honest and in the course of the time we spent together this weekend and last night, all of it dawned on me in a very fresh, real, new way...

But I guess I'd rather tackle this mountain of trusting him fully than live a life that does not include him at all... So it's on to conquer the beast, people!

bye,

PS - Don't be surprised if you see more and more of this mess. *Rolling my eyes* I have to work thru it somehow and it doesn't sound as babyish if I blog it, as it would if I were to oh... i dunno... tell Chu how I'm feelin. *sheesh. I liked it better when I didn't care what a man thought.*

Ten Thing Tuesday

So. Mrs. Brownstone, over at XBox Wife, is hosting this meme.

The way it works is this: you list ten things that are a blessing to you today, already. No matter what time. (Head over to Jill's spot and read the whole post.) Click the link to X-Box Wife in this post and leave your link in the comments on her post, the Hostess with the Mostest. And be sure to read the other people's comments too!

My Ten Things Today:

1. This morning I woke up ready to face this day head on.
2. I was able to tackle some really big things in my life before it got too busy today.
3. I realize today that I WANT- truly want - what the Lord has for me.
4. I realized this morning that love doesn't have to look any one way to be right. It just has to be real and rooted in the Lord.
5. Today I got a sweet good morning i/m from a sweet friend.
6. I gave myself license to just RELAX and be...
7. I got a chocolate twist and chocolate milk for breakfast! Yum!
8. I managed to uncover my inner 'ride-or-die' chick!
9. Today I found my voice. ( to sing, to speak, to pray)
10. I have warm, comfy clothes on because I can dress however I wanna, for my work. YAY, me!

This is a great me-me, Jill!

Today was sorta serious, but it won't always be that way.

For more, head over to Jill's spot. (And by the way, glad you're back girl!)

Wrestle With The Angel

The question He has not answered: God, why would you let this happen? Why would you do this to me?

The question He HAS answered: God, there must be something more than just him drawing close to You and surrendering his will to Yours. What do You want from me in all this? What are You trying to teach me? What lesson do I need to learn here?

His answer: You need to know that I AM bigger than people and their choices. You need to know My power even in the most difficult of circumstances. You need to know that I Am faithful to keep My word.

"God I'm tired. I'm hurting and I'm tired."

"Wrestle with the angel, love."

"But how? I don't understand? How do I do that?"

"Fight for your family."

"DUDE! What does that mean? Am I just slow or am I purposely not getting this?What's with all these hidden answers?"

"My answers are always direct."

"But I dont have anymore fight left in me. I'm over this. I'm done. I'm not doin this God."

"Wrestle with the angel."

...

So. We wrestled.

All day. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth we went.

'God, I can't do this. I just... I cant do this. I dont want to do this. I love you God but You've asked too much. I just ... no. Just no. I can't. .... but God, I love you. I want to serve You. I want so much to please You. I want to be able to do this. ... But this is just too much. Too much sacrifice. Too much to give up. Too much pain. I can't face this. I cant' do this. ... Everything. Everything God. I've given You everything. And now You require this too? Everything God... I want so much to honor You. My life, I want so much to live it for You... '

And so it went. Until finally all I could say was... 'I'm broken inside. I know that You're  holding the linch-pin in place and that if You pull it out, i'm gonna sink to the bottom of this pit and just lay there and die inside. Because I'm not strong enough for anymore. I don't have anymore. I am at the end of me. There is nothing left. No more fight. Nothing. God. I love you.You gotta do something because I can't do it on my own. I need You to do something in this. Because I dont wanna be in that pit. I dont want to die. I want to live, God. I am at the end of my sanity. Please don't let me fall.'

His answer: "Well done. Breakdown brings healing. No lie of satan will bear fruit in your spirit... life will overwhelm you and not death... love fails not.... you have resisted the enemy and I will give you rest ...'

So again... Yes Lord. Because at the end of the day, that's the only choice there really is. Yes is the only option. At least for me, anyway.

I'm Singing...

'Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your name.
'Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your glorious name.
'You give and take away. You give and take away.
'My heart will choose to say Lord blessed be Your name.'

Is all I hear in my head right now.

...

God You've been good to us. Thankyou Father for Your grace and Your mercy. You do give and take away and no matter what, we will bless Your name. Make us ready. Give us peace.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Can I Just Run Away?

I wanna hide out. I NEED to hide out.

Wow.

I just had this conversation I had NO BUSINESS having.

I need a time out.

Lord, please let me take a time out soon?

Now I see why I cant just vanish. I would so not respect what God's asked of me. I wouldn't even try.

I'm having this conversation KNOWING i'm wrong and KNOWING i dont even want it. I just want to not hurt.

This stupid ish is how stuff gets all  messed up even worse.

DUDE.

I need to take a step back. It has been a long time since I hurt so badly that all I want is a way to make it stop.

A very long time.

Woooow. God's grace. He just made that real.

Very real.

Ok. I'm gonna be quiet now and do some serious talking to Jesus. Cuz this.... I obviously need it.

Job & His God

I am one of those people who prays boldly. And I ask for difficult things, not really knowing what I'm asking until well after I've asked.

One day, quite a while ago, after quitting my job , I prayed something like 'Lord, if you want me to be a modern day Job, so be it. I'll do it because I love you enough to endure it.' All I was really TRYING to say was that I would endure the hardship I saw very clearly headed my way. I was certainly not really begging God to allow Satan a hand at everything BUT my life.

As it turns out, God took me literally. And with the exception of my health (well... in any severe way), He allowed access to my whole life, except... well... the living part.

I'm not exaggerating. It may not have been taken in as dramatic a way (freak accidents like houses caving in on ALL his kids and such), but literally everything I had worked so hard for I lost. And I do mean everything - except what I took when I moved back home, which amounted to a very few pieces of clothes, a couple pair of shoes, and a basket of stuffed animals.

Some would have called this my wilderness, but it hasn't been. My wilderness had happened years prior, and had really come to an end just before this current ride got wild. I left the wilderness and found my way to God's heart. And THEN He proceeded to take me on the ride of my life. It has been amazing.

When I prayed that day, in honesty, I had an idea what I was doing - what I was asking Him to allow. But I could no more have stopped myself asking than I could stop breathing...

I am a 'show me' kinda girl. I need to see. I need to experience. I want to know first hand. I'd heard so long how Scripture can live and how God is the Living Word and all that. I wanted to find out for myself. So I asked. And I continued to ask, even when the asking didn't always seem to be advantageous. And He showed me...

To say this has been a hard season is an understatement. And to say that I would do it all over again would be a bold-faced lie. Because if I had it to do again, I would ask God to PLEASE find a less painful way of coming to know Him.

Now. That being said... I wouldn't trade this season for anything. I have never experienced such a rich awareness of His presence in my life and I have never enjoyed such a deep intimacy at any other time.

In this season I have come to know God for myself. I have come to know that He speaks, if we care to listen. I have to come to understand that His ways aren't mine; nor are His time or His thoughts. In fact His ways, time and thoughts are higher than mine. Just like He said.

I have come to know that wisdom to God is truly foolishness before man. I've lived that scripture again and again.

I've come to learn to be content with little, just like I was content with much.

I've begun to accept that God isn't always to be understood, but He IS always to be obeyed.

And more than any of that, I've come to know how very deeply He loves me. I've come to see myself in a new light, because He loves me like I've never grieved His heart. And on top of all that, He's been taking me down the marvelous path of learning to love others.

Wow.

He's made me some promises. Made them pretty early in this journey. And at first I wanted Him to keep them because I obeyed. Then I wanted Him to keep them because I was tired. Then I wanted Him to keep them because He made them. Then I wanted Him to keep them RIGHT NOW. Because really. This has been a long road.

And then. Maybe a week or two or so ago, things start happening. I started seeing prayers being answered little by little. More and more each week. Then this weekend He said to me that this week would be full of blessings. I thought, yeah ok. If that's anything like it's been in the past, what You are calling a blessing will probably not feel that way.

But lo and behold, this week has been full of blessings. Started Saturday and has continued from there.

It would seem that the restoring process is starting slowly but surely...

I used to wonder why when God was speaking to people in Scripture He'd say 'the God of your fathers' and stuff like that instead of calling Himself 'your God' when He was in direct communication... WhatI have concluded is that God knows that until we go thru something that truly allows us to know Him for ourselves, He is not really our God.

I can say now that He is my God.

I can say how very loving and kind and just and faithful He is.

Even in waiting on some things to come to pass, I can say now that He IS faithful.

And now, I can also say that I want Him to keep His promises for no reason other than that others need to see Him be glorified in extravagant ways. I want to see these things come to pass because people need to know how very real He is.

How very real He's always been.

Job and His God had something special, and God was glorified in Job's testing.

And I hope that my God can say the same about what we have. I hope that He has been glorified in this season. And I KNOW that He'll be glorified in His promise keeping.

... I guess maybe it's not so bad bein' a 'show me' girl after all.

It's been well worth the pain to experience the mountaintop.

Love ya'll & I'll be back.

Ro

A Blessing In Disguise Indeed

I sat for some of my favorite kids yesterday, which always gives me a little bit of free time. Because they are still young enough to nap. So during that time, I sat down and really just started talking to God, telling Him the truth of the things in my heart and of my desires.

I had gone to bed the night before, talkin to God, trying to give Him my fears, doubts, and failures like He asked of me. Woke up still feeling like I hadn't quite finished that task, but feeling better than I had in many  many days.Got dressed to go keep the kiddos and ... there began some real transparency with me and God...

One of the things God has been saying to me since this started is that He calls me friend. But I had no idea how that tied in here. Because I have felt like what He's requiring is more Master that Friend. But He has kept calling me friend in all this. And one of my four, the second of the two that I know has my back and supports my obedience, said to me a few days ago, it's ok for you to ask God for what you want. It's fine that you're really working to be selfless and put the best interests of others ahead of your own heart and desires, but this is not meant to be one-sided. It's ok to say to God that you need to see H give back the same thing you are being and have been required to give to him. Which was so significant for me, because during our conversation God had also impressed on me to speak my heart to Him and to do it with boldness and fearlessness - which has also been the prayer of my other ride-or-die chick in all this. And never mind that God has told me the same thing since this started: "pray boldly and honestly. dont worry about perfect words. Just give Me your heart. I will do with it what I mean to be done in this situation."

FINALLY, as I talked with Debs and we prayed together, I started to get the boldness thing. Then the posts from Tuesday and Wednesday emerged and God started showing me what He was doing in ME in all this. And I started to get the honesty thing. And then the fullness of what God is REALLY asking me to do here hit me, and with it, the realization that it is perfectly fine for me to expect an awful lot more than just H's faithfulness in all this. It is perfectly fine for me to expect him to be every bit the man I've been asking God for since I first started learning what it is to obey Him and to talk with Him and make my requests known. And it doesn't make me selfish or immature or any of that - which I wouldn't have thought of others in this situation. I just have thought it of myself.... yes i know how ridiculous it is, THANKYOU VERY MUCH. =)

Because let's be honest here for a minute. God has asked me to sacrifice a SIGNIFICANT set of desires to walk in this relationship. He has asked quite a bit in many many ways. And I have done it because I love Him and because I fear Him. But I have NOT done it to be some sort of martyr for the cause. Not at all. I have not been so obedient and so faithful and so prayerful and so meek and so ... any of what I've been ... to reap only a man who manages to be faithful. I have been all those things because a) pleasing God matters to me and  b) I want God's best for my life and my children; I want the promises He makes for generations to come. Faithful is NOT enough. Because it's not what I asked and it's not what God's promised. He's promised EXCELLENCE. Anything less is unacceptable.

But up until yesterday, I had not been bold enough to say that. I had been too shaken and too rattled to speak up and hold both God and H accountable in all this. Too tired and too hurt and too unsure. But real talk, i'd rather be alone than take back a man who doesn't have the gumption to get himself together and chase the life he wants and is called to live. Because I fully intend to have mine. I fully intend to keep on runnin this race. H is more than welcome to join me. I want it more than anything else, aside from salvation for our children and intimacy with God. But that's between him and God, and I cannot force him to do not one blessed thing. I CAN however call to account what God has promised. And I CAN remind Him of the years I spent praying specifically for things in a husband and father - because I have never desired to submit myself to a man who would  not be good to me and who would not lead me spiritually.

DUH!!! This is where I get to choose!

I have some power in this! I have some authority here! I can speak God's word. I can remind Him of His promises to me. I can ask Him to remember the prayers he put on my tongue at 21 years old for a husband I had yet to even know. I can ask Him to remember the promises He's made to me over the last four years, promises He started speaking to my spirit when He told me to go back to our relationship. I do NOT have to take the position of a foreigner here. I am not supposed to abdicate my position. And that has nothing to do with H and EVERYTHING to do with God. DUUUUUUH! My position in Him, the relationship that we share, the intimacy and the friendship between us allows me to come to Him in all honesty and basically say 'Hey God! Remember me? I know we're better than this. I know You're not just gonna leave me stuck out here. I did all this on the strength of You, Your word, Your promises. So I need You to make some things happen. I need You to show up. I need You to come through.'

I DO get a say. I am not at anyone's mercy in this. I just need to remember all the stuff that God has taught me through this season and act like I know who I am in Him.

My uncle told me this the day before the floor fell from under my feet. I believe he said, 'Remember that you have been given authority in heaven, on earth, and under the earth. You need to know when to use it and how to walk in it.'

Seems that this would have been the whole point of facing myself and God on His terms... Understanding my relationship with God, really recognizing my position spiritually unlocked the door to walk in the authority He's given to me.

I sat on the sofa as the babies napped yesterday and I talked to my God.  Nothing formal. Nothing eloquent. Just honest and true. I gave Him my heart. I used the privilege of our friendship. Seriously. I said 'God, friend to friend.... I will obey as a daughter and as a slave... but friend to friend, this is what's in my heart. This is how I feel . This is what I've asked and I really expect that as a friend those things will be honored...' And I started to remind Him, as He brought it back to my heart, all of the things I prayed for specifically in a husband and a man. I gave myself permission in those moments to be genuine and true to me. Authenticity took root. And confidence in myself and my desires and God's plans for me along with it.

Lo and behold. This would be the first fruit of the blessing in disguise. Pain has given way to spiritual clarity and a better understanding of the relationshp God has allowed me to share with Him. Every ounce of newness that has been worked in me these last few years has risen to the top, and that new woman - the one who knows and loves herself, the one who expects the best and believes the best - she is awake! She's alive! Far from killing me, this is helping me to live. I'm LIVING. And it is a wonderful wonderful feeling in the midst of an uncomfortable situation. I'm truly learning to live.

And between H and I... what can I say... we're blossoming beautifully. Our friendship is so strong right now and so apparent. After I posted Tuesday and Wednesday, I felt literally in my spirit like the gap between us had been closed. And as we started talking again yesterday, it was the strangest thing... I sense the change in him. He's behaving toward me like a friend and a partner. Playful and easy. No tension and no distance. He's asking things of me that one asks their person. Take care of this for me. Check on that for me. Would you do... ? And it's not out of a sense of entitlement. It's a genuine sense of comraderie and trust between us now. No barriers and no road blocks... Even today. More of the same, but way deeper than just a friendship. I sensed our foundation, how strong and solid it is, how it's all in tact and totally established. And now, FINALLY, how our friendship is being rightly established.

My mind is blown. What satan has meant for evil God really is using for good. Far from pushing us apart, this is bringing us closer together. There is a new trust, a new respect, a sense of oneness between us....

I'm almost in tears. God is establishing us in righteousness just like I've asked. Everything that's gone before is over and done. This is a whole new thing. God is doing a whole new thing. And watching it unfold is just something beyond me.

A blessing in disguise indeed.  INDEED.

I've finally found my long lost bff. And that just makes my heart sing...

Thank you God. A blessing in disguise... I appreciate You. I dont take for granted what You're doing. I'm grateful. Beyond grateful. And thankful. And excited.Finally. I'm excited. You are keeping Your word and I am in awe of You. I dont know what's next. But I do know that what You've done so far is worthy of praise and worship an adoration. Thank you Lord that You call me friend. Thank you for my high position and for teaching me how to use it. Thank you for the collision course H and I are on, the one leading us right to the center of Your will. All I can say is thank you Lord. I love you.We are learning to love You together. Thank you for the truth; Thank you for the fire and the proving. Prepare H's spirit for what's coming and do in his heart as You desire to bring about Your will in his life and his walk with You. Pleae keep remembering me. Please keep calling me friend.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

God on Risk Taking

"The risk is always worth it when it is taken in obedience to ME."

The End of The Road

Ok. I am deleting this blog.

I'm gonna leave this post up for a while but all else will be erased. My new blog address is:

http://www.abeautifulsubmission.wordpress.com/

I took some time off and the Lord asked me to let go of all that has emotionally held me hostage the last few months. So. All seurity blankets have been destroyed. And this blog is the last to go.

I started it to help me make my way thru this season of my life. That season is now past and a new one is starting. If moving forward is gonna be successful, then all that would let me dwell in the difficulty of how things have been needs to be done away.

So I'm starting fresh. :) I want my new blog to reflect where I'm going and who I've become. I want it to display just what the url says - a beautiful submission.

My title:

BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL... life out loud

 None of my old posts will go over. We're starting fresh!

See ya there!

Ro

Learning as I Teach

I am finding myself in a position more and more to teach other women about walking with the Lord. I've worked with youth for a long time, but I'm finding now that I'm being used more and more in the world of grown-ups.

For so long I asked the Lord 'why me?'. I asked why MY journey has had to be so freaking hard (and seemingly never-ending) when all these people around me seem to have so much of an easier time of things. (And please notice I said 'SEEM' to have.) What I have come to learn is that the difficulties and challenges of my path have been to allow me to understand from an experiential perspective, so that I could be effective in my witness...

Come to find out, in my daily interactions, there is almost always an opportunity to share something with someone from a mentoring perspective. And as cool as that is, that is really not the coolest part.

The coolest part is that in the teaching, the Lord is refining me more. Like I've aked of Him. I have so worried that I would forget all the lessons and that I would regress in my conduct after all the madness had died down, so I have been praying that I would not forget Him and that I would not fall into rebellion or disobedience. I have also asked that if I will not honor Him with what He gives, that He not give it... In this whole mentoring & teaching thing, I'm finding that I am being constantly and consistently challenged to step my game up. My words, my attitude, my thoughts, patience, pride (rollin' my eyes REAL REAL EXTRA HARD), all those things that nobody would know about but me. Those are the things that are being worked on right now.

And I'm so grateful. Because those are the things that I like least about my own character. They are the areas I want to see refined the most. Because I want to be genuine and I want to never forget the hard places in my own life. Iwant to be teachable, even as I teach.

The Lord is just so amazing that He does things the way He does. I have built in accountability these days and as much as I resist it sometimes, I really am thankful for it.

Go see Iris, guys. There is just so much good stuff over there!

April 1, 2006 - Truly A New Beginning

I was sitting thinking. Having some alone time with Jesus. And it came to mind that I began this leg of my journey 2 years ago on April 1st. I quit my job, and left my life to God's Whim.

Jenn and I were just getting close. We had been spending MAJOR time together since the middle of 2005, planning her wedding. We had become prayer partners. We had become truly friends. We were praying for eachother then. Almost every morning. We'd call eachother up and we'd pray over our lives on the way in to work. And I had been asking the Lord to make work better or move me from where I was. He told me to wait. To trust Him. And on the last work day in the month of March, He gave me my answer. I left my job and my life hasn't been the same since. In that early stretch I wasn't sure how it would work. It was tough, but that first year or so I suffered what I now know were small inconveniences. But it was ok. That second year it got TOUGH and even more personal than the first. And now, going into the third year, things are beginning to come full circle.

I am so different now. Much stronger. More mature. More confident. More secure in who I am. Willing to take hard knocks so that I can truly live for the Lord. I am new.

Every relationship in my life has been affected. Some have stood and some have fallen apart. Some are still in tact and some were discarded. But all have been sifted and refined.

God is so faithful.Even when I'm not. When I doubt and struggle, He does not change. And I love Him in a way I never knew I could.

So, happy anniversary to me. And to my Love. Because 2 years ago on April 1st I stopped seeing You the way religion dictated and started getting to know You in the way that makes You truly LIVE, for me. Two years ago on that day, we became intimate and the new life that is now ready to be born is a result of the love we now share.

I praise You oh God because You chose me. You have impregnated me with visions of greatness and a heart that longs for You. As the first of these many children is born, I look to You with love-filled eyes - and even in the midst of the pain of this last set of contractions - I can tell You that You are simply a wonder. I adore You. I worship You. I cherish You. You are my Love. The greatest Love of my heart. And I can't wait to build more history with You in the days, weeks, months, years ahead.

I love You, Lord. I give to You my life.

In Jesus' Name, because he gave his life so that I could love You this way. Amen.

Rosheeda

Last Night...

Thank you Lord for letting me see change. Thank you God for growth in him and me. Thank you God for restoration and new relationship.

Just...

Thank you, God.